The Course of True Love
by lyubov
Summary: AO Femslash, Conviction Crossover: Alex has returned to New York City and been promoted to bureau chief. Will she keep her promises to Olivia or will she decide that her career is more important?
1. Alien

_Title_: **The Course of True Love**  
_ Pairing_: Alex/Olivia  
_ Fandom_: Conviction/Law and Order SVU  
_ Rating_: G to NC-17, depending on the chapter  
_ Disclaimer_: All characters are the property of Dick Wolf and NBC (except for the few I created).  
_ Author's Notes_: This story is meant to fill in the gaps for what wasn't shown on Conviction but very well could have happened; however, it begins before Conviction premiered in 2006 and will end after the finale.

_The course of true love never did run smooth.—William Shakespeare_

**Chapter 1: Alien**

_May 2005_

After two long, emotionally exhausting years, Alexandra Cabot had finally been released from Witness Protection when the DEA informed her that Cesar Velez and several members of his drug cartel had been assassinated. She had been back in New York City for two weeks and was still trying to reclaim the pieces of her old life and transfer everything back in her name—her real name. The amount of paperwork was tremendous. Not only did she have to take care of her own financial and legal matters, but she also had to take care of her mother's matters, which included estates, accounts, securities, and various other assets.

It was all pretty alien to her at first. For the past two years, she had gotten so used to being other people at different points in time that she wasn't sure if she could be Alexandra Cabot again. She wondered if this was how prisoners felt when they were released, if it took them some time to acclimate to their old surroundings again. However, she decided that her experience was worse. After years of prosecuting criminals and making sure victims received justice, she knew that the criminals' sentences were rightly justified. Her sentence, however, was not. She had been forced to be a prisoner inside her own body, had her life and everything she valued taken from her, and she had committed no crime. Most of all, she had had the love of her life ripped from her just when they were taking their relationship to a deeper level. That caused her to suffer the greatest pain of all. She had felt so lonely and empty during her time in Witness Protection that she had started a few meaningless relationships just to numb some of the pain. However, she had always longed for Olivia. Olivia was the first thought on her mind when she woke up and the last thought on her mind before she fell asleep at night.

The most aberrant thing about all this is that she should have been ecstatic to be allowed to return to New York City and reclaim not only her old life and friends but Olivia as well. However, she had a mounting sense of trepidation. What her time in Witness Protection had taught her was that nothing was certain; the things one valued the most could easily be taken away in the blink of an eye. She had already lost Olivia once and the immense pain she felt as a result left a huge hole in her heart. It was as if a part of her soul had been lesioned. But if something happened that forced her to lose Olivia again, it would completely debilitate her emotionally; she felt that she could literally die from the heartache. She had begun to think that it may be better to decide not to have Olivia this time than to deal with the agony that would result if she lost her again.

The other predominant reason she was wary of regaining her relationship with Olivia had to do with her political aspirations. On top of everything, District Attorney Arthur Branch had informed her that she had been appointed the position of Bureau Chief to a group of young ADAs. Of course, she had always had excellent prosecutorial skills, which was why she had been assigned to adjudicate SVU cases in the first place five years prior, but she was certainly the youngest ADA to ever become a bureau chief. She was excited about her promotion, since it would have taken her several years to reach this position if she had not been shot and ushered into Witness Protection, but it also brought about certain dilemmas.

She had always been an ambitious, politically motivated person. One of her biggest aspirations was to be DA one day or to receive a position in the United States Attorneys Office. She was strong, extremely intelligent, and came from a well-connected affluent family. Her dreams were very much well within her grasp since she had a considerable advantage over other similarly-aspiring candidates, and she was determined to accomplish them one day. However, there was one big obstacle in her path—her sexuality. Even with the background and ambition that she had, politics could be very difficult for a woman who was a lesbian. Over the years, she had learned to repress the majority of her emotional and sexual desires to achieve the things she'd valued most in life.

This had proven to be no easy task, but it was manageable. She had had female sexual dalliances during college and law school, but they were far and few between, and she usually avoided them afterwards for fear of being outed. Once she had graduated law school, she thought about what was best for her pending political career. She opted for meaningless flings or relationships with the opposite sex because they were safer for her and much less complicated. She knew the role she was expected to play, and over time she had become quite good at it. However, all these social restrictions she had woven into her life began to unravel when she met Detective Olivia Benson of the NYPD. She could no longer just run from her sexuality. From the moment she set eyes on her the first day she walked into the Special Victims Unit squad room, she began to fall for her and couldn't have stopped herself even if she'd wanted. She knew it was dangerous territory, but part of her derived satisfaction from giving into her heart's desires for a change.

They had established a flirtatious game of cat and mouse—throwing lingering, sometimes sexually charged gazes, letting their hands lightly brush as they exchanged files or walked down the hall, and standing or sitting so closely together that they completely invaded the other's personal space. They continued tap dancing around each other until Alex invited Olivia over one night after a particularly draining case for both of them. From their first electrifying kiss, they knew that they were meant to be together. Of course, they encountered a few stumbling blocks along the way because neither was particularly easy to be with, and thus they sometimes clashed. But they always returned to each other after the dust had settled.

That's why the hardest part about being forced into Witness Protection was leaving Olivia. She had begged and pleaded with the U.S. marshals to let her tell Olivia goodbye. Of course, she had requested that Olivia's partner, Elliot Stabler, be there as well, but his presence was just a formality. It was Olivia whom she focused on during the few short moments they had together. Now the hardest part about being home could be not having Olivia due to another force beyond her control. This time around, she was determined to maintain control over every aspect of her life. It took some deliberation, but she had come to a decision. Now all she had to do was tell Olivia.

A few days later, she concluded that she had put off seeing Olivia long enough. Summoning up all the courage she could muster, she picked up the phone.


	2. Phoenix

**Chapter 2: Phoenix**

"Benson," Olivia answered, holding the phone between her ear and shoulder and flipping through some crime scene photos.

At first, Alex did not say anything. Although she had never forgotten the sound of Olivia's voice, hearing it again so soon sent chills through her. She momentarily was at a loss for words.

"NYPD, Special Victims Unit. How may I help you?" Olivia asked impatiently.

"Hi," Alex answered cautiously. She nervously rapped a pen against her legal pad.

Olivia's heart started racing. The world seemed to reach a standstill around her. Her throat became parched and the hand with the photo began shaking uncontrollably. "Al-Alex? Is it really you?"

"Yes, Liv. It's really me. How have you been?"

Olivia had been waiting for this phone call ever since Alex had been moved to a new identity after testifying at Liam Connors' trial a few months before. She had been overjoyed at Alex's brief return, which proved to be a bittersweet reunion for them both. Even though the stress of the trial had been hanging over their heads, the night they had spent together was beautiful. They had made love, caught up on each other's lives, and talked of their future when Alex returned for good. Now that this day had become a reality, it was a little overwhelming. It was much sooner than she had ever expected. She had been ecstatic when she received the news that Velez was dead, but she didn't know exactly when Alex would be allowed to return. "I-I've been ok. But now that you're back, I'm so much better."

Alex smiled slightly. "That's good to hear."

"How long have you been back?"

"A little over two weeks," Alex responded. She was afraid of what Olivia's reaction would be because she had not immediately called upon her return.

Olivia was clearly shocked and also a little hurt that Alex hadn't called sooner. "Oh." There was a brief pause. She swallowed hard. "Why didn't you call?"

"I just had a lot I had to take care of," Alex replied. She couldn't bear to tell Olivia the true reason over the phone. "I'd like to see you," she said more softly.

Olivia smiled on her end of the line. "I'd like to see you, too."

"When do you get off?" Alex asked.

Olivia looked at her watch. At that moment, she didn't care how many open rape cases there were, she would drop anything and everything to see her beloved Alex. "Um…I have a couple DD5's to type up and then I plan to get outta here. Hopefully the perps will take a break while I'm getting that done so I don't have to go out on a scene. If things go as planned, I should be done around 8, maybe 8:30, but definitely no later than 8:45."

Alex smiled at Olivia's determination to see her. "That sounds good. You still live in the same apartment, don't you?"

"Yes. Unfortunately," Olivia joked.

"Well, that's good. Listen, I won't keep you. Just give me a call when you get off, ok?"

"I will do just that," Olivia answered. "See you soon."

"Bye," Alex replied, hanging up the phone.

Elliot returned to his desk and placed a cup of coffee on hers. He watched Olivia somewhat shakily hang up the phone and regarded her with concern. "Everything ok?"

Olivia took a deep breath. Letting it out slowly, she looked into his eyes and answered, "Alex is back."

* * *

Grabbing her coat and bag, Alex locked up her apartment and caught the elevator down to the lobby of her building. She was in such a rush to get to Olivia's place that she almost didn't even acknowledge the ever-friendly doorman.

"Good evening, Ms. Cabot," Jeffrey said.

Alex offered him a quick smile and simple greeting while he graciously opened the waiting taxi cab door for her. "Thank you, Jeffrey."

"It was my pleasure," Jeffrey replied, closing the door when her other foot was safely inside.

"203 West 89th Street," Alex told the driver. She sat back and anxiously awaited the moment she would see Olivia again.

Luckily for her, traffic wasn't as bad as she had anticipated. She arrived at Olivia's sooner than she expected. Paying the driver, she hopped out and scanned the buzzer directory for Olivia's name.

Olivia rushed to answer it. "Is that you, sweetie?"

Hearing Olivia's familiar term of endearment for her made her heart jump a little. "Yes."

Olivia quickly buzzed her in. She excitedly waited for Alex to make her way up to her apartment. What seemed like hours was actually less than a minute. Alex tapped lightly on the door.

Olivia took a deep breath. Exhaling, she opened the door. Alex smiled brightly at her. To Olivia, she was still as beautiful as ever. Not much had changed about the regal blonde since they had last seen each other in February, but Olivia saw that a few lines of worry now furrowed her brow. She wondered what was going on to make Alex so tense but then chalked it up to anxiety and stress over the life-altering events of the past few weeks.

As soon as Alex set eyes on Olivia, every emotion she felt for her came flooding forward. She realized at that moment that it would be harder to break the news to Olivia than she had ever expected. She wasn't even sure now if that's what she wanted. Olivia stepped aside to let her in and then shut the door.

For a few moments, they just stared at each other. It was as if it was only a mere vision that brought them together again and if either of them moved or spoke, the vision would evanesce. Olivia was the one who finally broke the silence. "I can't believe it's really you…" She reached out to lightly brush Alex's cheek.

Smiling and closing her eyes momentarily, Alex turned her head and kissed Olivia's hand. "It's me. You don't know how many times I've dreamt about this very moment."

Olivia smiled. "Probably just as many as I have." She took Alex's hand and led her over to the couch. Alex placed her hands in her lap and stared down at them for several seconds. Olivia frowned. "Sweetie, what's wrong?"

Alex took a deep breath. Letting it out, she explained, "Liv…Branch promoted me to Bureau Chief."

Olivia was clearly shocked. "What? Wow! That's great!"

Alex smiled politely. "Thanks. I-I wanted to talk to you about that."

Olivia's enthusiasm quickly drained when she realized exactly what that meant—Alex's new position of power made it even more difficult for her to be involved in a lesbian relationship. The higher she moved up the political ladder, the more she would be in the spotlight and the less she would be able to keep her private life private. "So where does that leave us?"

Alex's heart began to ache when she saw the pain etched into Olivia's face. She began to falter even more in what she had previously thought was a final decision. "I…I don't know, Liv." She picked up Olivia's hand both for her own strength and to comfort Olivia. "It's risky if someone finds out. Perhaps too risky."

Olivia sighed and tried to keep her voice from shaking. "Alex, you can't live your life based on 'what ifs.' If we all chose not to do things because there's a possibility that something bad could happen, then no one would ever get anything done. As a cop, I know there's a chance I could go into work and not come home one day."

"Liv," Alex interrupted. "No, don't say stuff like that. I can't even begin to entertain thoughts of anything happening to you."

Olivia patted her hand. "I didn't say it to scare you, sweetie. All I'm saying is that despite the risks, I still choose to be a cop because I want to help and protect people. You have to take risks in life to get what you want, Alex."

Alex realized Olivia was right. They had been successful thus far in masking their relationship, so why was she paranoid about anyone finding out now? The only ones who knew about them were Elliot and her best friend Serena Southerlyn, and neither of them would ever tell a soul. It would be unfair of her to make such a rash decision not to date again based on mere speculation. She offered her a bright smile. "You're right, Liv. I guess I just freaked out a little, that's all."

"That's understandable. So how about we pick up where we left off?" Olivia asked, rubbing her hand back and forth with her thumb.

"That's a great idea," Alex said, closing her eyes and leaning in to meet Olivia's lips. It had only been a few months since they last kissed, but at times it felt like an eternity. As soon as their lips touched, the same familiar spark ignited once again. As she parted her lips slightly to grant Olivia's tongue passage, she remembered just how easily she could lose herself in their kisses. Just one kiss with Olivia felt more intimate than sexual intercourse with anyone else she'd ever been with.

Olivia slowly let her tongue explore Alex's mouth. She wanted to trace every intricate nook and cranny. As their tongues intertwined, Olivia felt as if a part of her soul was resurrected. She had shut down emotionally when Alex was shot, and their brief time together in February gave her new hope for Alex's return, but it only allowed her a short reprieve from her pain. She had known all along that she would never be quite the same again until Alex returned for good. At this moment, she had finally risen from the ashes of her despair like the ancient phoenix, and her life was renewed through Alex. By the same token, Alex was experiencing this recrudescence of spirit as well.

Alex tilted her head to the side and pushed her tongue harder against Olivia's. She didn't want to appear to dominate the kiss, but it was as if she had a ravenous hunger that absolutely needed to be fulfilled. She had missed the velvety texture of her tongue and the familiar taste. Tangling a hand loosely in Olivia's hair, she let the tip of her tongue brush against the roof of her mouth as Olivia traced the bottom of her tongue with her own.

When they broke the kiss several minutes later, both of them felt satiated. "That was beautiful," they said in unison.

Olivia laughed. "Sorry about that."

Alex laughed, too. "No, it's ok. I think it's cute how we think alike sometimes."

"So how does it feel to be back?"

Alex sighed. "Well…a little strange. I'm glad to be back, but it's slightly weird being _me_ again. Identity is something that a lot of us take for granted. I haven't been back that long, but part of it still seems so unreal—like I'm out of my element. I keep waiting to hear that my life is in danger again and that I'm going to be shipped back into Witness Protection. I'm afraid to get too comfortable again."

Olivia placed her hand on the back of Alex's head and leaned in to kiss her forehead. "Alex, you're back for good this time. Velez is dead. He no longer poses a threat. It's time for you to take your life back with a vengeance."

Alex smiled. "Thank you. It just seems as if there's just a latent level of uncertainty."

Olivia stroked her face. "That's life." She looked at her wall clock. "Have you had dinner yet?"

Alex shook her head. "No. Have you?"

Olivia smirked. "Not unless the stale coffee that Munch made at the crack of dawn counts."

Alex chuckled and looked down. She looked back up at her with the confident demeanor that made Olivia's heart skip a beat. "Well, I have a proposal for you. I'll make you dinner if you agree to do the dishes."

Olivia held out her hand, which Alex firmly shook. "You have yourself a deal, Counselor. Just one thing."

"What's that?" Alex asked curiously.

"Promise me you won't set my stove on fire."

Alex laughed and shoved her shoulder playfully. "That was one little accident. I assure you that my culinary skills have improved substantially over the years. I actually had quite a bit of free time to practice cooking while I was in the program."

Olivia stood up and Alex followed suit. They walked into the kitchen and Alex opened the cabinets under the sink to look for pots and pans. "Liv, these pots and pans don't look like they've been used in _years_." She took the top off a pot and scratched the bottom. Wrinkling her nose, she said, "Oh gosh. They even have cobwebs!"

Olivia laughed. "Well, I have no use for them. I'm hardly ever here and when I am, I just order out or pick something up on the way home."

"So I bet you haven't had a home-cooked meal in ages, huh?" Alex asked. She had meant it as a light-hearted question, but now she almost didn't want to know the answer because she feared the worst. Olivia hadn't been dating anyone when she saw her in February and she doubted she was seeing anyone now, but she still couldn't help but frown at the thought of someone else coming over and cooking for her.

Olivia noticed Alex's sudden change of expression. "No, I haven't. What's wrong?"

Alex set the pot in the sink and looked down, suddenly embarrassed. "Um…I was just thinking about how I waltzed in here this evening without even considering the fact that you may have been dating someone in the first place."

"Alex, I'm not dating anyone." She knew it was silly to ask but did so anyway. "Are you?"

Alex smiled. "No. Well, there is someone I have in mind."

Olivia grinned. "And may I ask whom?"

"Well, she's about 5'8", athletic, strong, toned, and drop dead gorgeous. She's truly one of New York's finest. She's also a brunette and has the most amazing brown eyes I've ever seen."

Olivia grinned. "Well, I'll be damned, Alex. This chick sounds like quite a catch."

"She is," Alex said. Feeling impulsive, she pushed her into the refrigerator and began passionately kissing her.

The kiss left both their chests heaving. "Wow, Alex. I didn't know that was part of the deal, too."

Alex grinned. "If you're good, that's not all you'll get tonight."

Olivia waggled her eyebrows. "Sounds tempting, Counselor. Almost as tempting as that scrumptious meal you promised me."

Alex laughed. "Ok, ok. I can take a hint. You clean out those pots and pans and I'll get started." She opened the refrigerator and frowned. Its contents were half a pack of beer, some old Chinese, some bagels, a container of cream cheese, a few pieces of fruit, and a container of orange juice. "Liv, what exactly am I supposed to make dinner with?"

Olivia chuckled. "I'll make a run to the grocery store just for you. Just tell me what you need."

"Well, I plan on making stuffed chicken fontina with fettucine alfredo. So I'll need some chicken breasts, fontina cheese, mushrooms, fettucine, garlic, butter, milk, and Parmesan cheese. Oh, and pick up some parsley. I plan to use it for decoration."

"Mmm…that sounds divine. You can make all that from scratch?"

Alex nodded. "Yep. Oh, and you may want to pick up some fresh cream cheese."

"Will do," Olivia said, picking up her keys and purse off the kitchen table. "I'll be back in a few." She placed a quick kiss on her lips and headed out the door.

Since Olivia had taken on the task of grocery shopping, Alex decided to wash the dishes herself. She couldn't keep her mind from drifting to the future she and Olivia could have. She wondered about what it would be like to stand in this very kitchen preparing meals for Olivia, waking up beside her every morning, cuddling on the sofa in front of some sappy romantic comedy, giving Olivia massages after a hard day at work, and jogging together in Central Park every morning before going into work. A big smile even crossed her face when she thought about the day they might get their own apartment together. Even though she knew she was jumping the gun a bit, she had never envisioned any of these things with anyone else and it was a nice feeling.

After she was done with the dishes, she walked into the living room. She took a good look around admirably. Olivia had always had impeccably good taste. Not much had changed since she'd last seen her apartment. Her interior decor was not anything flashy or extravagant, but it certainly felt like home. It was simple with a touch of Bohemian flair here and there. It almost had an enigmatic air, which mirrored elements of Olivia's persona. She often felt more at home at Olivia's place than at her own apartment. She walked over and looked at the familiar painting by Cy Twombly titled "A Retrospective" on Olivia's wall. Olivia had always loved art, and Alex decided that they would go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art one weekend when Olivia was free.

After examining the painting, she walked over to the couch. Olivia always kept a simple flower centerpiece on the table behind it for decoration. This week the centerpiece was composed of peach roses, Bells of Ireland, and pygmy torch. Smiling, she thought about picking up a little white bouvardia in the next few days to add to the arrangement. She ran a hand over the back of the cream-colored couch and thought about how many nights they'd shared, how they'd sometimes talked until the break of dawn. When it would get too chilly, Olivia would place a wool throw over them both and they'd cuddle together and bask in each other's warmth.

Everywhere Alex walked in the apartment held some familiar, sweet memory that she yearned to experience again. Their moments together in prior years seemed to have been embedded into the walls, captured for all time. Alex placed a hand on the wall and pressed her face beside it. In the dead silence of the apartment, she thought she could almost hear Olivia's faint whispers to her or the hearty laughter they'd shared. She picked up the yellow sapphire and diamond necklace and ran her fingers over the small jewels. After all these years, she still wore it. Olivia had a matching one; they had exchanged them one evening once they'd gotten back together after a temporary split. The necklaces were a symbol of their everlasting love and devotion to each other. Olivia still wore it as well, and that was one of the first things she had noticed when she had seen Olivia for the first time that evening. She was relieved that she hadn't let her paranoia come between their love and happiness. She walked over to the large living room window and looked down at the street. After a few minutes of being lost in her own thoughts, she spotted Olivia walking on the sidewalk with a bag full of groceries. Sighing happily, she walked over to the door and patiently awaited her return.


	3. Retrospect

**Chapter 3: Retrospect**

Alex took the bag of groceries out of Olivia's arms and carried it into the kitchen. Olivia helped her take items out and set them on the table. "So did you miss me while I was gone?" she teased.

"Of course," Alex said with a smile. "We've had some really great times here, you know."

Olivia smiled. "I know." She pulled out a strawberry cheesecake. "I know how much you love cheesecake, so I picked one up from the bakery."

"Thank you," Alex replied, taking the cheesecake from her and placing it on the table. Next, she pulled out a baguette and held it to her nose. "Mmm…I love the smell of fresh bread."

"Yeah, Paolo had just taken them out the oven. He told me it was his last batch for the night."

"Paolo? Oh gosh, I haven't seen him in _ages_. I'll have to stop by and say hello," Alex responded.

Olivia put the things they wouldn't be using right away in the refrigerator. "So do you have a busy weekend ahead?"

Alex shrugged a shoulder. "Oh…nothing too big." She grinned at her. "Well, unless a certain NYPD detective can take a little time off from crushing skulls."

"Cabot, you're really lucky I have the weekend off," Olivia said, opening the package of chicken and rinsing it in the sink.

Alex's face lit up. She tried to quell her excitement because she didn't know if Olivia already had plans. "That's great, Liv. Anything special planned?"

"Well, I actually was looking forward to a hot date with my laundry and the gym. However, I can reschedule if I have a better offer," Olivia teased.

Alex grinned wider. "I think I can give you a better offer."

"Is that so now?" Olivia asked.

"Well, there's this little Tibetan antique shop I've been meaning to go to. Then I thought that maybe we could go to Hello Dalai. It's—"

"—a little Tibetan restaurant in the Village," Olivia finished for her. Alex raised an eyebrow. Olivia laughed and explained, "I've been there."

Alex suddenly flushed red. "Oh…well, if you've already been, we can go someplace else."

Olivia shook her head. "No, it's all right," she reassured her. "I love it. Some of the best food I've ever had. I had planned to take you there one evening but never got around to it."

Alex smiled and began to slice open and season the chicken breasts on the cutting board. "Good to know. So I guess we're set?"

"I guess so," Olivia replied. She picked up the package of baby Portabella mushrooms. "Is there anything I can help with?"

"Um…you can slice those mushrooms for me. I'll cut up the fontina."

Olivia picked up a knife and began slicing the mushrooms. "Is this small enough?"

Alex looked over to examine her work. "Yeah, that's perfect." She began stuffing pieces of mushroom and cheese into the chicken.

"That easy, huh?" Olivia asked.

"Pretty much, yeah," Alex responded. She went to the microwave and melted some butter. "Do you have a pastry brush?"

Olivia hurriedly opened drawers to search. "Uh…somewhere around here. I bought one a couple years ago."

Alex laughed. "Figures."

A couple minutes later Olivia finally located the brush. "Ah. Here ya go."

"Thanks," Alex said, dipping it into the butter and brushing it on top of the chicken. She finely chopped some of the parsley and sprinkled it on top. "Ok, time to put them in the oven."

Olivia opened the oven door for her. "That looks wonderful." Walking over to her cabinets, she took out a bottle of Schlossgut Diel Scheurebe Spätlese and put it on some ice to chill. "Hey, Alex?"

"Yes, Liv?"

"Welcome back," Olivia said, smiling and patting her on the shoulder.

Alex smiled in return. "It's good to be home."

They went back into the living room and sat down on the sofa. "So how is everything over at the station?" Alex asked.

"Hectic as usual. I'm so glad to have a break from the madness. There are 10 open rapes and 3 child abuse cases. Minimal leads on half the rapes. Don't these perps ever take a vacation?"

Alex chuckled. "I suppose not. Some of those will probably be transferred to my bureau once you guys get more evidence. I know Casey won't be able to prosecute them all. I guess it's time to see just how resourceful and competent my ADAs are."

"Probably not nearly as much as you," Olivia said, stroking Alex's arm. "And Casey's good, but she's not you."

"Thanks," Alex said humbly.

"I think Casey's jealous of you at times. It has to be hard living in your shadow."

"What makes you think she's jealous of me?" Alex asked curiously.

"Well, for one, all the praise you get. Someone's always talking about how high your conviction rate was or how brave you were. I was pretty tough on Casey when she first came to SVU because she hindered our every move. She would interrupt interrogations, try to take over our jobs at crime scenes, and was all in all overbearing. She didn't know how to handle victims either, but she redeemed herself later. And it's pretty much common knowledge that you won the Connors trial for us."

Alex smiled. "Well, I wouldn't have had the ammunition to bait him with if you hadn't put your neck out on the line by giving me his file."

"Sweetie, I will gladly put my neck out anytime for you. You know…Cragen questioned me later about that."

"When?"

"We were whipping out the champagne and getting ready to celebrate the big win because we thought you were going to walk in at any minute. And Cragen said, 'Alex knew just how to push Connors' buttons.' I told him you were a great prosecutor and he responded, 'And you gave her the ammunition.' Then Hammond came in to tell us you and Antonio had been moved to new identities and that you asked him to say goodbye."

Alex heard Olivia's voice crack on the last words and reached out to gently stroke her face. "I wanted to tell you goodbye in person but the marshals wouldn't go for it a second time. Besides, maybe it was good that they wouldn't because I don't even know if I could have dealt with telling you goodbye again. The first time was almost unbearable; it ripped my heart out to see you in such harrowing pain and to know I couldn't be with you. My body had survived but I didn't know if my heart could. This last time I probably would have just grabbed onto you and never let go."

Olivia felt tears pricking the back of her eyes. "I understand. It took everything in me not to break down after you were shot and beg the marshals to let you stay—or to take me with you."

Alex noticed Olivia's eyes tearing up and tried hard to fight back her own tears. "But enough talk of past heartache. It's all over now."

Olivia smiled. "You're right. You're here to stay." She leaned back against the pillows and Alex lay back against her chest.

"You know something, Liv?" Alex asked, getting comfortable.

"What?"

"From the first moment I saw you, I was completely enamored with you," Alex told her softly.

Olivia smiled warmly. "I felt the same way about you—despite how stubborn you were at times."

Alex turned around and looked up at her. "Me? I seem to recall a certain detective who couldn't be stopped by even a restraining order against her and the entire unit! Remember little Ashley Black? You convinced me to go through with an Article 10 proceeding and remove her from her parents' home. That went over really well with the press," she said sarcastically.

Olivia sighed. "Yeah, but if we hadn't helped her, no one would have."

"You're right. That was one of the first things that drew me to you—your passion and how you took cases so personally. Before I met you, I had only been interested in winning from a political standpoint and I'd been determined not to let anything compromise reaching a broader constituency. But after seeing your dedication and experiencing some of the toughest cases of my life, I could no longer just easily detach myself. I wanted to get justice for the victims at all costs—no matter how much I had to push the envelope. I became an advocate, not just a prosecutor. I have you to thank for that."

Olivia beamed with pride. "Thank you, sweetie. I don't know if I've ever received such a nice compliment before. I do remember how hard you pushed. Like that one time when Petrovsky threw you behind bars because you refused to charge Claire Rinato as a co-conspirator to her sister's murder. I cannot believe you called Petrovsky a hypocrite in open court and threatened to file a grievance. I almost fell out of my seat when I got the news."

Alex laughed. "I was so livid when Petrovsky charged me with contempt. The whole time I was sitting in lockup I was thinking about how I could get her censured or thrown off the bench."

Olivia laughed, too. "And let's not forget about Sam Cavanaugh! You didn't sleep for days and then tricked Linda into believing you had a search warrant. Donnelly suspended you for a whole month without pay."

"You didn't seem to have any objections about all that time off I had," Alex quipped.

"No. We certainly put it to good use," Olivia replied with a wicked grin. She let her fingers sift through Alex's blonde locks.

"We sure did," Alex agreed. She turned around again and softly began kissing her lips.

After a few minutes, Olivia teased, "Alex, are you gonna kiss me all night or am I actually gonna get to eat something, too?"

Alex grinned slyly. "Well…"

Olivia's mouth dropped open. "Alex Cabot! What has gotten into you?" she wondered.

"I never said anything, Detective."

"Just shut up and kiss me," Olivia demanded, letting her lips brush across Alex's. Alex brought a hand forward to caress her side and pressed her chest against Olivia's. Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and let her hands glide up and down her back.

They were still deeply entrenched in their kiss when the oven timer started going off. "Shit!" Alex exclaimed, scrambling to untangle herself from Olivia's arms and get off the couch. "I need to make the fettucine!"

"How long does it take to cook?" Olivia asked, following her into the kitchen.

"Oh, only about 8 minutes. And the sauce is really quick to make." After taking the chicken out, she filled a pot with water and set it on the stove to boil. "Will you hand me a saucepan?"

"Sure," Olivia responded.

Alex cut up the cream cheese and then placed it, the Parmesan, milk, and butter into the saucepan while Olivia poured the fettucine into the pot of water. Once the fettucine was tender, Alex drained it and transferred it to the saucepan to combine with the alfredo sauce. She then cut off a sprig of parsley to garnish the pasta with.

"That looks beautiful," Olivia said appreciatively, her mouth watering.

"I hope it tastes just as beautiful," Alex murmured.

Olivia got two wine glasses out of the cabinet. She then took the bottle of wine off the ice, uncorked it, and filled the glasses.

Alex began piling food on the plates and then brought them over to the table. They sat down across from each other and Olivia lifted her glass to Alex. "I'd like to make a toast to your safe return—back to New York and back in my arms."

Alex smiled gratefully and clinked her glass against Olivia's. "To many glorious days ahead." She took a sip of her wine. "This is an excellent white wine, Liv."

"I aim to please," Olivia replied with a twinkle in her eye.

Alex raised an eyebrow. "I'm holding you to that."

Olivia cut into her chicken fontina and took a bite. "Oh my god, Alex," she said, wiping her mouth with her napkin. "This is really good."

Alex smiled. "Glad you like it."

Olivia took a bite of the fettucine and closed her eyes. "And I've never had such delicious fettucine in my life!"

Alex blushed lightly and pulled off a piece of her bread. "Oh, Liv. You don't have to flatter me."

Olivia smiled. "But I mean every word of it. Trust me, I won't be making anymore jokes about your stove catching on fire after this delectable meal."

"So I've earned my keep, huh?" Alex asked, twirling some fettucine around a piece of chicken on her fork.

"You certainly have," Olivia replied.

Once they were finished with their meal, Olivia collected the dishes, rinsed them, and put them in the dishwasher. Alex walked over beside her and teased, "So I see you did keep your end of the bargain, after all."

Olivia turned to her and smiled. "After all your hard work tonight, I wouldn't have dreamed of copping out. Witness Protection must have really domesticated you."

Alex chuckled. "In some ways, it did. You know…this sounds so weird coming from me now, but there were times when I really did enjoy the small town charm. It was peaceful and quiet. I still missed the city, but it was nice to have a change of venue for a little while. Sometimes I imagined that all I was on was just a really long vacation."

Olivia placed a hand gently on her back. "Was it easier that way?"

Alex paused for a few seconds before answering. "Sometimes it was—especially when I would get really homesick and my heart would ache for you."

Olivia softly kissed her cheek. "Not a day went by that I didn't long for you." She took her hand and led her back into the living room. It would have been completely dark if it wasn't for the dim glow provided by two lamps. Olivia stood in front of the window and looked down at the street. "Do you remember when we would just stand here and look out for what seemed like hours?"

Alex stood behind Olivia and wrapped her arms around her waist. "You mean like we're doing now?"

"Exactly," Olivia responded.

Alex deeply inhaled the scent of Olivia's hair. "Gosh, how I've missed the way you smell." She played with a few locks. "Your hair has really started to grow out."

"Do you like it?" Olivia asked, turning around to face her.

"Well, it's different. But it's a nice change. Besides, there will now be more hair to grab onto when we're in bed," she joked.

Olivia grinned. "I can see that your libido is still just as high as I remembered."

Alex laughed. "As if you're one to talk! There were times when I never thought you'd let me go to sleep at night."

"Or in the morning," Olivia said slyly.

"Don't remind me. Sometimes I'd just barely make it to arraignments."

"All for a good cause, though, Counselor."

"It certainly was." Alex tilted Olivia's chin and met her lips. She pressed her body into Olivia's and gently pushed her up against the window. She teased Olivia's bottom lip with her teeth and flicked her tongue out to trace it over her top lip.

Olivia loved it when Alex took control. Her strength coupled with femininity always enticed her. She stuck her tongue out to meet Alex's and relaxed against the window as Alex placed a hand on her stomach. The simple gesture sent a shiver of arousal through her body. "God, Alex…"

Alex chuckled softly. "You know, Olivia, I've been called many things in my life but if you wanna add a supreme being to that list, I can't say I'd be opposed."

Olivia moaned as Alex moved her lips to the special spot on her neck. "Confident in your abilities, huh?"

"You've never had any complaints before," Alex murmured. She let her breath tickle her neck. The spot against the glass where she had breathed fogged up instantly. Slipping a hand underneath her shirt, she walked her fingers up to the curve of Olivia's breast. Her nipples tightened immediately. Alex was pleased that she was not wearing a bra. Tracing under her breast with a finger, she teased, "I hope you don't think this attire is acceptable for chasing down perps."

Olivia laughed. "No, I only use it to chase down horny lawyers." Alex nipped an earlobe in response, trailed her lips down her jaw, and then recaptured her mouth.

When the kiss ended, Alex smiled and rested her forehead against Olivia's. "You know…we forgot about dessert," she said.

Olivia grinned. "I'll go cut some slices for us." She went into the kitchen. A couple minutes later, she returned to the living room and handed Alex a plate.

"Thank you," Alex responded softly.

"You're very welcome," Olivia said. They took their plates over to the sofa. Olivia cut off a piece of her cheesecake and held it out to Alex. Smiling, Alex opened her mouth and took it off the fork.

"Feeding me now?" Alex joked.

"It may be a special treat every now and then," Olivia replied.

Alex reciprocated by feeding Olivia some of her own cheesecake. She then put her plate down and stood up. "I'll go pour us some more wine."

"Thanks," Olivia responded.

Alex returned and handed Olivia her glass. She picked up her plate and continued eating. "How is Elliot?"

Olivia took a sip of her wine and sighed. She really didn't like sharing details about her partner's life with others, but Alex was different. "He's doing ok, but he and Kathy are still separated. He really misses his kids."

"That's unfortunate," Alex empathized. "I know how much he loves his family."

"Yeah," Olivia agreed. "I'm a little worried about him. There have been times as of late when his rage really has gotten out of control."

Alex became a little worried at that statement. She didn't want Elliot snapping and taking his anger out on her. "He doesn't take it out on you, does he?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, only perps. There was this one bastard, Gordon Rickett, who got off 14 years ago for the abduction, rape, and murder of an 11-year-old girl. Luckily, we got another shot at him when the idiot came back to New York and we found the body of another girl. Elliot tried to use pretty much every interrogation trick in the book to crack this guy and stayed there the entire 24 hours, but he wouldn't budge. He kept taunting him about his rage the whole time he was in interrogation. We ended up having to let him go but got a new lead when we found his aunt's house and discovered he'd kidnapped another girl. Elliot would've killed him if I hadn't fired first."

"He really needs to be careful. If he can't control his rage, it could land him in serious trouble," Alex replied. "But enough about Elliot, rapists, and murderers. Let's just focus on ourselves and enjoy good wine and dessert."

"I agree," Olivia responded, toasting Alex's glass again.

Once they had finished, they placed their empty plates and glasses on the coffee table. Olivia pulled Alex into her arms and kissed the top of her head. "I'm so glad you're with me now."

Alex sighed happily. "I am, too. I couldn't ask for more."

Olivia grinned. "Well, there is one more thing I could ask for…"

Alex smiled. "You read my mind."


	4. Eros

**Chapter 4: Eros**

Olivia stood up and reached for Alex's hand. "Try not to wake my neighbors this time. Poor old Mrs. Cavalini down the hall thought I was being attacked."

Alex laughed. "Oh please! I was not _that_ loud."

"I had to throw on a robe and rush to the door or she would've called the police, Alex. So yes, you really were _that_ loud."

Alex shook her head. "Stop flattering yourself, Benson."

"Oh, come on, sweetie. You're a screamer. Just admit it."

Alex smiled slyly. "Well, I wasn't always one. You changed that."

Olivia grinned proudly. "I guess I'm just that good."

Alex rolled her eyes. "And you call _me_ cocky."

"Oh, come on," Olivia said, running a finger down the side of Alex's breast. She smiled at Alex's slight jump. "You know you love every second of it."

"Do that again," Alex murmured.

"This?" Olivia teased, running a finger down the other breast and leaning in lick the spot right behind her left ear. She knew that always drove Alex crazy.

Alex bit her lip and shivered. "Shit, Liv…"

Olivia pushed more of Alex's hair back so she had better access. Sucking the spot gently, she squeezed a breast and began backing Alex up toward the bedroom.

"Liv, I don't know if I can walk backwards and do this at the same time."

"Do what?" Olivia asked huskily, running a hand down her back and over a hip.

"Mmm…foreplay."

Olivia chuckled softly. "You thought this was foreplay? Oh no, Alex. You haven't _seen _foreplay yet."

Alex could feel her wetness spreading. Her body became hot and she suddenly felt as though her clothes were suffocating her. "You better keep good on your promise."

"I always do," Olivia said. She pressed her against the doorframe and ravaged her mouth. Unzipping her pants, she slid a hand inside her underwear to let her fingers traverse her dampened thatch of blonde hair. She was intoxicated by the musky scent of Alex's arousal. "I can't wait to taste you."

Alex moaned loudly in response and threw one leg around Olivia's waist. She slid her hands under Olivia's shirt and freely let them roam over her soft breasts as she invaded her mouth again. Breaking away temporarily, she quickly unzipped Olivia's jeans and slid them off her hips. Olivia pushed them down the rest of the way, stepped out of them, and kicked them away. Alex knelt down in front of Olivia, whose panties were soaked with her own arousal. Letting her fingers trace the length of her slit, she replaced them with her tongue. The soft cotton barrier between her tongue and Olivia's center was as tantalizing as the wrapping paper on a gift Christmas morning. She loved the taste of Olivia and could never get enough.

"Ah, fuck!" Olivia exclaimed, shuddering against the wall. Swallowing hard, she pulled Alex up and quickly pushed her into the bedroom.

Feeling the edge of the bed hit the back of her legs, Alex sat down and lay back as Olivia settled on top of her. She had always been amazed at how perfectly their bodies fit together. Every hollow, every soft curve connected like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. When she felt Olivia's sex against her own, she gasped loudly and dug her nails into her back.

Olivia moved back a little to unzip Alex's pants and slide them down her legs. Alex groaned at the loss of contact. "Liv, please…"

"Soon, sweetie. Soon," Olivia promised, removing her own underwear and shirt so that she was completely naked. She removed Alex's panties as well. Alex started to unbutton her shirt, but Olivia whispered, "No. Let me," and removed it from her shoulders. Kissing the deliciously exposed cleavage, she reached around Alex's back and unclasped her bra with a quick flick of her wrist before adding it to their pile of discarded clothes on the floor.

Alex threw her head back and let out a long, guttural moan as Olivia lavished her tongue's attention on her breasts. She circled a nipple several times, flicking her tongue against the hardened flesh. When she took the nipple into her mouth and sucked hard, the sensation shot right down to Alex's sex. She moved to the other nipple and bit down gently, eliciting another moan of pleasure from Alex.

"You like that?" Olivia asked, dragging her tongue up the valley of her breasts.

Alex closed her eyes and licked her lips. She loved when Olivia teased her breasts. "Y-yes."

"How 'bout this?" Olivia continued, kneading the creamy flesh with her strong hands.

"Oh godddddddddd," Alex replied.

Olivia moved down her torso, leaving several kisses in her wake. Olivia's kisses on her body always made the hairs on her arms stand up. Alex licked her lips again as she saw her stare at her center with a feral lust in her eyes. Deciding to tease her even more, Olivia passed right over her center and pushed her lithe thighs apart. She then proceeded to place several kisses on her inner thighs before pulling herself back up her body to capture her mouth.

Alex turned her head slightly and murmured, "Liv, I need you to touch me."

Olivia gave a wicked grin as she moved down to bite her neck. "Oh, but I am touching you," she replied, squeezing a breast.

Alex grabbed a handful of the sheets and twisted them tightly. "You know where I mean," she breathed as Olivia bit her collarbone.

Deciding to have mercy on her, Olivia moved back down her body and settled between her legs. "Are you ready?"

Alex nodded excitedly. "Yes."

Olivia dragged her fingertips sensually up and down the length of Alex's swollen sex before dipping her fingers inside her slippery folds and finding her engorged clit. Alex hissed loudly at the contact and her nipples hardened even more. After sucking her arousal off her fingers, Olivia lowered her mouth and bathed her sex with her tongue.

"God! God, yes!" Alex exclaimed as Olivia raked her teeth over the hood of her clit. She teased her with the very tip of her tongue, letting it brush ever so slightly against her clit before circling it several times. Alex dragged her nails up Olivia's finely toned back, almost drawing blood.

"Fuck, Alex!" Olivia gasped as the sting traveled up her body.

"Sorry," Alex apologized quickly.

Olivia ignored the pain and continued her motions. She took the hardened nub into her mouth—licking, sucking, pulling, biting—varying pressure and direction at random.

"Fuck! Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!" Alex yelled, thrashing wildly against the sheets. She felt as if her entire sex was on fire.

"Stop squirming," Olivia demanded, putting her hands on Alex's hips to still her.

"Feels too good," Alex mumbled. Little droplets of sweat fell from the back of her neck onto the pillow.

Olivia grinned up at her. Her face and several strands of her hair were covered with Alex's juices. "It's supposed to." She lowered her mouth to Alex's clit again. She could feel her orgasm building; her clit began pulsating against her tongue and her thighs began trembling fervently. However, she refused to give her release just yet. She moved up and began tracing lazy patterns on her stomach with her tongue.

Alex groaned in frustration. "Olivia, please. I need to…"

"You need to what?" Olivia asked, letting her fingers probe Alex's sex.

Alex's hips rose off the bed at the sensation. "Come…I need you inside me."

"What do you say?" Olivia teased, rolling one of Alex's nipples back and forth between her fingers.

"N-now," Alex demanded, closing her eyes.

Olivia chuckled. "I know your parents taught you better manners than that."

Alex pushed Olivia's face back down to her center. "Liv, please," she begged. "I'll do anything you want, just please let me come."

Olivia smiled. "Is that so now?" She lifted Alex's long legs and threw them over her shoulders. Holding onto her hips, she plunged her tongue deep inside her to explore her inner walls.

Alex moaned loudly while Olivia thrust deeper and deeper. She threw her head back against the pillows and her eyes rolled back. Nothing had ever felt as good inside her as Olivia's smooth, talented tongue. The trembling returned in her thighs again and she knew her orgasm was near the breaking point.

Olivia could feel the vibrations against her face. After a few more hard thrusts, Alex's muscles clenched around her tongue and she screamed Olivia's name. Her entire body shuddered violently as wave after wave of her orgasm overtook her. Olivia pinched her clit hard and Alex screamed again as another wave of shudders hit her hard. When her muscles finally relaxed, Olivia removed her tongue and tenderly stroked her clit with her fingers to bring out the last of her tremors. She began licking the rest of her juices from her center but even that sensation was too much for Alex.

"Liv…oh god, Liv. No more. I can't take it," Alex gasped, desperately trying to catch her breath. Her cheeks and chest were flushed bright red.

Olivia crawled up the bed and stretched out beside Alex, whose chest was still heaving. "So when do you think the police will show up at our door?"

Alex laughed and shoved her shoulder. "The walls are not that thin." She looked over at her and smiled. "That was truly amazing."

Olivia grinned proudly. "Well, from your screams, I imagined it was."

Alex pulled Olivia to her chest and kissed the top of her head. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Olivia replied.

Alex began stroking her back when Olivia flinched. "What's wrong?" she asked, suddenly alarmed.

Olivia turned over on her stomach so Alex could see the welts on her back. "Look at my battle scars," she teased.

"Oh, sweetie," Alex said remorsefully. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." She placed sweet kisses on the welts. "Feel a little better?"

Olivia sighed deeply. "Yes. I love it when you kiss my boo-boos—especially when you inflict them."

Alex laughed and carefully turned her on her back again. "I guess I just got carried away."

"I guess you did," Olivia said. Alex pulled her into her arms and rubbed her side comfortingly.

A few minutes later, her hand crept up to Olivia's breast. Rolling a nipple between her fingers, she pulled gently. Olivia looked up at her and grinned. "You're not worn out for the night?"

"You didn't think I was going to let you off that easy, did you?" Alex asked with a sly smile. "I've wanted to taste you for hours," she confessed in the husky voice that drove Olivia absolutely wild.

"You already had a taste," Olivia teased.

"That was just an appetizer," Alex replied. She reached down and caressed Olivia's center. "Does that feel good?"

"Oh, yes," Olivia moaned.

Alex began using firm, circular strokes to massage her folds. Olivia tilted her face to capture Alex's mouth as she continued her massage. Alex could still taste the remnants of herself on Olivia's tongue.

"I want to feel your clit against mine," Olivia mumbled.

Alex grinned. "Wow, aren't we blunt?" Nonetheless, she flipped her over. Moving down a little, she leaned over her body and drank in every inch of it with an unbridled lust. "My, are you beautiful."

Olivia blushed. "Flattery will get you everywhere, Cabot."

Alex gingerly ran her fingers over Olivia's erect nipples, which hardened more at the touch. She smiled satisfactorily when Olivia shivered in response. She walked her fingers down her stomach and then pushed her strong thighs apart. Olivia bent one knee so Alex could position herself comfortably between her legs. Alex bent her knee on the opposite side of Olivia and rested her center against hers. She slowly began to slide her center back and forth over Olivia's until they had picked up a nice rhythm.

"Ah, fuck!" Olivia screamed, grabbing Alex's hips and grinding her center harder into her own.

Alex leaned down to kiss her, her nipples brushing Olivia's. She continued to grind her clitoris into hers while their tongues briefly battled. A current of electricity rippled through their bodies as their most intimate regions fused together. Sitting up again, Alex pushed her sex harder and faster into Olivia's to intensify the stimulation even more and bring each other to orgasm.

They clung to the other as shudders of pleasure consumed them. Tiny beads of sweat covered both their bodies. Exhausted, Alex collapsed against Olivia's chest. Their hearts beat together rapidly. "I love it when we do that," she murmured.

"Me, too," Olivia agreed, gasping for air. She brushed away a few wisps of Alex's hair that had become matted to her forehead.

"If this is how I'll get thanked for cooking for you, I'll have to do it more often," Alex teased.

Olivia laughed. "So this is what you had in mind the entire time, huh? A wonderful meal in exchange for mind-blowing sex?"

Alex kissed her cheek. "You've got me all figured out."

"I guess so," Olivia replied. "If someone had told me last week that I'd have you here in my arms, I wouldn't have believed it."

"Believe it," Alex said. "God, I haven't been this happy since I last saw you. There was a time when I thought I'd never see your place again. I feel like I'm going to wake up from this wonderful dream and you won't be beside me."

Olivia smiled. "Oh, baby. That's not going to happen. This is real."

"How do you know?" Alex asked, looking up at her with childlike concern in her eyes.

"Have our kisses ever felt this real in your dreams?" Olivia asked, capturing her lips.

Alex eagerly returned the kiss. When it ended, she responded, "No. Neither has our lovemaking."

Olivia laughed. "We had sex even in your dreams, Alex?"

Alex blushed. "Sometimes."

Olivia kissed her again. "My, my, are you naughty."

Alex grinned and stroked her breast. "Naughty is more like this. You have the most beautiful breasts," she whispered, tracing an areola. She placed a soft kiss on the nipple. "And your nipples are perfect."

Olivia grinned and cupped a breast in her hand. "I guess they make me proud."

Alex laughed. "They certainly make _me_ proud." Shifting her position, she took a nipple into her mouth and sucked gently, pleased as it grew against her tongue. Olivia's nipples were extremely sensitive, and Alex teased them mercilessly for several minutes—nibbling, pulling, and sucking to her heart's desire.

Olivia moaned. She could feel her wetness pooling against the sheets. "God, I love it when you suck my breasts."

"Not as much as I love sucking them," Alex mumbled. She let a hand absently caress her firm abs before placing several kisses on them. Continuing her path down her body, she licked some of the wetness from her dark curls before giving her entire sex a passionate tongue bath. Feeling the heat emanating from her opening, she let her tongue escape inside her moist cavern. She liked to take her time exploring Olivia's every nook and cranny, savoring the taste. Each movement, each twist of her tongue was carefully masterminded to give Olivia maximum pleasure. Like the stroke of a quill pen, she delicately and gracefully etched her love and devotion into her tender flesh.

Olivia reached a hand down to massage her scalp. She used her other hand to squeeze her own nipple. The sensations were almost unbearable. "Alex, you feel so good."

"How good?" Alex mumbled, teasingly circling her clit with her tongue.

"Good enough to make me come if you keep that up," Olivia muttered.

"You taste so fucking good," Alex mumbled, massaging her inner sex with her fingers while licking around her opening. "I could do this all night."

Olivia whimpered. She loved when Alex expressed herself so provocatively. "Be my guest."

Alex pressed her tongue hard against her clit and inserted two fingers inside her. As she thrust deeply, she covered her clit with her mouth and sucked hard. Her eyes met Olivia's. With that silent signal, Olivia felt her body get warm all over and knew she could no longer contain her impulses.

"Oh fuck, Alex! I'm gonna come!" Olivia screamed. Alex quickly removed her fingers before Olivia's muscles trapped them inside. Her heart raced as she waited excitedly at her opening. She didn't have to wait for long.

Olivia's orgasm ripped through her pelvis and she wrapped her legs tightly around Alex. Alex let out a satisfied moan as the warm, delectable nectar coated her tongue and flowed down her throat. She swallowed every drop and licked the remnants from her folds. When her tongue swiped her quivering clit, Olivia involuntarily thrust her pelvis forward hard.

"Fuck, baby!" Olivia exclaimed, jerking violently as another wave of pleasure coursed through her sex. "Oh shit, fuckkkkkkkkkkk!"

Alex kissed her sex tenderly but cautiously until the tremors had abated. "It's ok, baby. It's gonna be ok," she assured her.

"Sweetie…please…can't take…anymore," Olivia begged, caressing Alex's face, which glistened with her juices. She pulled Alex to her and kissed her with bruising force. "That was fucking phenomenal."

"That's just what I like to hear," Alex said.

Olivia chuckled lightly. "I guess I won't miss going to the gym after all."

"I certainly gave you a workout, huh?" Alex joked.

"You sure did," Olivia responded. "I don't know what burns more calories—chasing perps or having sex with you."

Alex laughed. "You know…you almost broke my nose down there," she teased.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," Olivia said, kissing her forehead. "But you know how excited I get." She held Alex in her arms and tweaked one of her nipples. "Why are your nipples so hard, baby?"

Alex grinned. "Because I love seeing you in ecstasy and knowing that I am solely responsible for it. Most arousing thing in the world."

"Fair enough," Olivia responded. "I mean…not that I was complaining or anything."

"Good. You know, Liv…" Alex began.

Olivia looked down at her. "Yes, sweetie?"

Alex sat up against the pillows and let out a short laugh. "I can remember being absolutely terrified the first time we made love."

Olivia smiled curiously. "Why is that?"

"Well…it had been so long since I'd made love to a woman and I was just wondering—"

"If you still had it?" Olivia finished for her.

"Yes. Exactly," Alex confessed.

"Well, it was the best sex I'd ever had, if that's any indication," Olivia replied. "It was the first time making love ever felt natural."

Alex smiled widely. "Good to know. I never wanna disappoint you." She cuddled back up in Olivia's arms.

"I love snuggling with you," Olivia said.

"I do, too," Alex said. Olivia's bedroom window was open and a cool breeze passed over them. Alex shivered and pulled the comforter up.

"Do you want me to close the window?" Olivia asked.

Alex shook her head. "Not right now. I just got a little chilled, that's all."

"I'll keep you warm," Olivia promised, rubbing her shoulder comfortingly.

A few minutes passed. Olivia sighed deeply and pulled Alex closer to her. Alex tucked her arm securely around Olivia's waist. "Liv, if I tell you something, do you promise you won't be freaked out by it?" she asked somewhat apprehensively.

"I promise," Olivia answered. "What is it?"

"Well…I used to save all the newspaper articles you were featured in," Alex confessed quietly. "I wasn't allowed to take pictures when I left, so that's the only way I had pictures of you. I'd scour the Ledger website and then print out clippings pertaining to you since I couldn't have a subscription sent to my house."

Olivia grinned. "Well, well. Nice to have a stalker I actually wanted."

Alex chuckled. "Good to know I'm appreciated."

"You're always appreciated," Olivia said, kissing her on the top of the head.

"I just realized that I didn't even bring an overnight bag. I have nothing to wear tomorrow," Alex said.

"We can stop by your place tomorrow morning so you can get some things," Olivia suggested.

Alex smiled up at her and then laid her head on her chest again. "Sounds good." She took comfort in the gentle rise and fall of Olivia's chest. "I always feel so safe in your arms."

Olivia played with a few strands of Alex's hair. "I'll always protect you," she vowed, though with slight hesitation. _Can I really protect you? I couldn't even protect you from getting shot and I was standing right there._

Alex noticed the hesitation in Olivia's voice and the troubled look on her face. She knew what Olivia was thinking. "Sweetie…don't beat yourself up about this again. It is _not_ your fault that I was shot. The shots came out of nowhere. But you are the reason I'm still alive today because you saved my life. You kept pressure on the wound and kept talking to me the whole time so I didn't lose consciousness at such a critical point. Even though I couldn't speak, I could still hear you. I could feel you pushing my blood—pushing my life—back into me. And I could hear you crying; I tried even harder to hold on just for you."

Olivia smiled but a tear fell down her cheek nevertheless. "I was so scared," she said, her voice breaking. She remembered Alex's blood pouring out, seeping into the concrete and staining her hands. Several more tears followed.

Alex sat up and brushed her tears away. "No, sweetie," she said, kissing her cheek softly. "No more tears. It's all over now. I survived, baby."

"At the hospital, when I…when they said…you were…gone," Olivia gasped. "I wanted to—"

"No. Don't you dare think about that anymore," Alex said, holding her tightly in her arms. "That's why I had to see you before they shipped me away. I couldn't go on letting you think I was dead. The guilt alone would have killed me." By this time, Alex was crying, too despite herself.

Olivia wiped away Alex's tears and pressed her lips against hers. She turned on her side to face Alex. "I'm so lucky to have you in my life."

"Not as lucky as I am to have you in mine," Alex said.

"Has it been hard adjusting back?" Olivia asked.

"Somewhat," Alex confessed. "I…I've been seeing a therapist."

"That's good," Olivia said, patting her hand. "You've been through more in two years than most people will face in a lifetime. It's a lot to handle."

"Tell me about it," Alex muttered. She threw back the sheets and got out of bed. "I'm going to get some peroxide for those…wounds," she said with a grin. "I'll be back in a sec."

Alex returned shortly with cotton balls and a bottle of peroxide. Pouring a little on the cotton, she turned Olivia over onto her stomach and gently dabbed at the scratches and welts. "There. You're good to go."

Olivia turned her head toward her and said, "Thank you, Nurse Alex." She cautiously ran her fingers over the puckered, raised flesh of the small scar under Alex's right collarbone. Turning Alex on her side a little, she ran her fingers over a similar scar where the bullet had exited her shoulder in back.

Alex shifted uncomfortably and removed Olivia's hand. She felt so self-conscious when Olivia wanted to give special attention to her scars. "Liv…please. Don't do that."

Olivia gave her a hurt look. "Sweetie, why don't you like it when I touch—"

Alex brushed away a tear. "I just don't."

Olivia kissed the tears that had started to fall again on her cheeks. "Baby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. But you have nothing to feel ashamed of. These scars are your badges of honor."

"They're a reminder of everything I lost," Alex said solemnly.

"They're also a reminder of everything you got back," Olivia said reassuringly, brushing some hair back behind Alex's ear.

Alex looked at Olivia and blushed furiously. "It's just…they're so…" She stopped to find the right words but couldn't. "…_there_. So out of place. So hideous."

Olivia stroked her face. "No, baby. No! They're so beautiful." She kissed Alex's lips and looked into her eyes again.

"You really think so?" Alex asked quietly.

"I know so," Olivia swore. She lowered her lips to Alex's shoulder and placed several kisses on the scars. "Beautiful…" she uttered between kisses, her voice full of love and admiration.

Tears continued to stream down Alex's face. She was overwhelmed with emotion at the sincerity of Olivia's overt appreciation of her scars. She captured Olivia's lips and asked, "Why do you care about them so much?"

"Alex, I love these scars because they are proof of your survival, your bravery, and your tenacity. You've always fought for what you believed in, no matter what the consequences. There's no one on Earth whom I respect more."

Alex pulled Olivia to her and sobbed against her shoulder. This time they were tears of sheer happiness. It was an incredible feeling to have a woman whom she loved and had always looked up to believe in her so much. "You're my hero," she told Olivia.

Olivia smiled with pride and wiped her own tears away. "Oh, sweetie. I love you."

"I love you, too, Olivia," Alex responded.

They held hands and gazed into the other's eyes until their eyelids grew heavy. A few hours later, Alex awakened to find Olivia sleeping peacefully. She had always loved watching Olivia sleep. Olivia often slept facedown with one hand tucked behind her at the small of her back. After pulling the sheets back so she could get a better view, Alex let her fingers trail down her spine, marveling at the smooth feel of her skin. Unbeknownst to her, Olivia had awakened.

"I see you still steal the covers, Cabot," Olivia teased, slowly opening her eyes. The light from the street poured through the window and danced across her face, giving her an almost ethereal glow.

Alex smiled. "Old habits die hard, I guess. I just wanted to watch you sleep. You look so beautiful, so serene."

"Come here, you," Olivia said, tucking her arm around Alex and pulling her in close.

Alex sighed deeply and closed her eyes. She didn't know what the future had in store for her, but she knew that as long as Olivia was in her life, everything would be okay.


	5. Catharsis

**Chapter 5: Catharsis**

Alex gently shook Olivia's shoulder the next morning. "Hey, sweetie. I'm going to go pick up some things from my place then I'm going for a jog. I'll be back in a couple hours."

Olivia sat straight up. "No!"

Alex looked at her with slight irritation on her face. "Is there a problem?"

"I…I just don't want you jogging alone. I'll go with you," she said quickly, jumping out of bed. She could hear the threats being made against Alex by an inmate and assassin for Velez on the recording the night Agent Donovan was killed: _"She's living at 235 West 78__th__, Apartment C like Charlie. Gets home around 8." _

"_What are her mornings like?" _

"_Jogs at six…You could go jogging with her. Central Park." _

Alex put a hand on Olivia's shoulder and turned her to face her. "Liv, I don't need you to be my bodyguard. Remember? You said yourself that I'm out of danger now."

Olivia sighed deeply. She knew Alex could be just as stubborn as she was, but she wasn't going to let Alex's stubbornness override her determination to keep her safe. "I'm not trying to be your bodyguard, Alex. It's just…I want to spend every spare second I can with you."

Alex just stared at her for a moment. _Right_, she thought as she watched Olivia throw on some jeans and reach for her Glock. "Do you always carry your piece when you just want to go for a casual jog, Olivia?"

Olivia looked at the gun in her hand and put it and her belt down. "You can't blame me for wanting to be careful."

Alex groaned. "Liv, I just want to live a normal life! I spent the past two years looking over my shoulder. Every time a stranger glanced at me, I thought, 'Has he found me? Is he going to kill me?' I can't tell you how smothered I felt with the agents checking up on me, following me around, showing up at my work and house whenever they damn well pleased. I refuse to be smothered by my own girlfriend!"

"Alex, I'm not trying to smother you! I just want to make sure you're safe."

"Do you really believe I'm still in danger, Olivia?" Alex asked pointedly.

"No, Alex. I'm just scared."

Alex rubbed Olivia's back. "Sweetie, I have enough irrational fears of my own. Please don't reinforce them. I don't want to live my life in constant fear anymore."

Olivia smiled weakly. "Ok, baby. I'm sorry."

"I'd like for you to go with me. I really would," Alex assured her. "But can we please not take the weapon?"

"Sure, sweetie. Whatever makes you feel comfortable." She picked her Glock up again to tuck it away in her drawer.

Alex jumped when she heard the hard metal hit the wood. "Geez, Liv! Is the safety on that thing?"

Olivia gave her a look. "Of course it is, Alex."

"I just wish you wouldn't wave it around like that!" Alex yelled. She hadn't even realized that she had started to shake uncontrollably.

Olivia quickly closed her drawer and took Alex's trembling body into her arms. She silently scolded herself for not taking into consideration that Alex would be uncomfortable around guns after being shot. Something that seemed so second nature to her, such as handling her weapon, could be traumatizing for the woman she loved. The last thing she wanted to do was trigger a post-traumatic episode for Alex. "Oh god, baby. I'm so, so sorry. Shh, it's ok. You're all right." She felt Alex's hot tears fall on her chest.

"I…it's just…I saw his gun aimed at my heart!" Alex sobbed, clinging to Olivia.

"I know, baby. I know," Olivia said, rocking Alex back and forth and kissing her forehead. She grabbed some tissues off her nightstand to wipe Alex's face.

Several minutes later, Alex had calmed down. She untangled herself from Olivia's arms and took several deep breaths. "I-I just need to run. It helps me clear my head."

Olivia nodded. "Ok, let's go to your place."

Alex slowly rose to her feet. She suddenly felt lightheaded. "I'm going to get a glass of water," she said, walking to the kitchen.

Olivia followed her. Alex started to reach for the cabinet knob to open it when Olivia beat her to it. Alex gave her an annoyed look. "Liv, this really isn't necessary."

"No, I got it," Olivia insisted, pulling a glass out and filling it with water. "Do you need an aspirin or anything?"

Alex took the glass from her and shook her head. "No. Water's just fine." She emptied the glass and set it down on the counter. "Come on. We need to get going."

They returned to the bedroom and started to get dressed. "Is it ok if I shower at your place?" Olivia asked, throwing on a t-shirt.

Alex nodded distractedly. "Yeah. Sure."

"Thanks," Olivia replied. She grabbed a small bag and threw a tank top, some jogging pants, and a fresh change of clothes inside.

In the cab on the way to Alex's apartment, Alex had hardly spoken two words. "Are you ok, sweetie?" Olivia asked, reaching over to hold her hand.

Alex turned to look at Olivia and forced a smile. She squeezed her hand. "I'm fine."

When they arrived at her apartment, Alex motioned for Olivia to follow her upstairs and said, "You can take the bathroom down the hall. I'll take my bedroom."

Olivia frowned. "Alex, don't you wanna shower together?"

Alex had to suppress a groan. "Liv, no. We need to leave soon and I need my space. Being in a relationship doesn't constitute being joined at the hip."

"I wasn't implying that it did," Olivia snapped.

Alex looked at her for a moment. "There are towels in the hall closet." She turned on her heel and walked to the master bedroom. The sound of the door closing made Olivia flinch slightly. She felt as if Alex was shutting her out of part of her life.

Alex stood against her door and let out a deep breath. She hadn't wanted to be rude to Olivia, but she just needed to be alone at the moment. She needed to process the emotions she had gone through at Olivia's apartment. She replayed the incident several times in her head. Even though she knew she had no reason to be, she felt discomfited by her reaction to Olivia's gun, nonetheless. She liked when Olivia took care of her, but she didn't want to seem so vulnerable and unhinged in front of her. Part of her was angry at herself for losing such control. She had seen Olivia pick up her gun, even draw her weapon, countless times and it had never bothered her before. She felt like a fool.

She walked into her bathroom and stripped off her clothes. Pulling open the shower door and stepping inside, she turned the handles. The hot spray poured over her body, washing away the tension in her muscles and calming her frayed nerves. She tilted her face and let the water rush over it before grabbing the container of body wash.

In the bathroom down the hall, Olivia soaped her body and tried to make sense of Alex's behavior. She knew Alex had suffered from anxiety and insomnia before being shot, and she imagined that those conditions had only become more prominent. She certainly didn't want to do anything to exacerbate either of them. But she felt as though there were others that had arisen after the shooting that Alex had not properly dealt with yet, as had been evidenced by the past hour's events. She didn't want to feel as if she were walking on eggshells around her and sought to help Alex through whatever problems she was facing. She made a mental note to ask Dr. Huang about post-traumatic stress disorder when she returned to work. She wasn't sure if Alex had been diagnosed with it and knew that not everyone who experienced a traumatic event developed PTSD, but she didn't want to rule it out as a possibility.

Fifteen minutes later, Alex stepped out of the shower and stood in front of the mirror. As the rivulets of water raced down her body and made a puddle on the floor, she stared at her reflection. She certainly looked the same as she always had, but something about her seemed different, almost _loose_. Her steely cerulean eyes had always reflected a clear sense of direction, but now it seemed as if that was missing. She wasn't quite sure if this was freedom or instability. Perhaps it was a little bit of both.

Wrapping a towel around her body, she walked into her bedroom to get dressed. She wondered if Olivia was done with her shower. She wasn't comfortable with the barrier she had placed between them and wanted to eliminate it as soon as possible.

After she finished getting dressed, she walked to the hall bathroom. Olivia was brushing her teeth and saw Alex enter through the mirror. Droplets of water dripped off her full breasts and ran down her olive stomach. Her body radiated the familiar warmth that Alex yearned to envelop herself in.

Alex silently picked up a toothbrush and began brushing hers beside Olivia. Olivia spit out her toothpaste and started to exit the bathroom when Alex turned around and asked, "Did you have a good shower?"

"Yeah," Olivia answered, forcing a quick smile.

She started to leave again when Alex called out, "Liv?"

Olivia turned back around and asked, "Yes?"

"Would you like for me to sit with you while you get ready?"

"No. I'm a big girl," Olivia responded tersely. She shut the door behind her and went into the bedroom across the hall.

_Good job, Alex. That went well, _Alex thought bitterly. She wiped her mouth with a towel and returned to her bedroom to pack some things for the rest of the weekend.

Olivia was waiting for her downstairs in the living room. Alex took a seat beside her on the loveseat and began to massage the back of Olivia's neck with one hand. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah," Olivia said, staring down at the Persian kashan rug in front of her.

Alex leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "We're gonna have a wonderful time today," she said, smiling warmly.

Olivia looked up and replied, "Good." Standing up, she stretched and then picked up her bag.

Alex pointed her thumb in the direction of the kitchen. "I'm going to get a few things from the kitchen. I'll only be a minute."

Olivia nodded. She crossed the room to look out the windows. Alex's penthouse had spectacular thermal floor-to-ceiling windows that provided an excellent view of the city. It was her first time being in Alex's new place and she wondered what one person could do with so much space. In addition to a living room that could hold about five of Olivia's own, the two-story loft had four bedrooms, four bathrooms, a formal dining room, den, stainless steel chef's kitchen, office, and three private terraces. _It must be so lonely for Alex here_, she thought.

Alex came up behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder, startling her out of her thoughts. "Enjoying the view?"

Olivia smiled and reached back to pat Alex's hand. "It's gorgeous. When did you get this place?"

"When I came back. This loft was part of my mother's estates. She and my father bought it several years ago for their stays in the city. I've done some redecorating."

Olivia nodded in understanding. "I see. It's…" She paused to look around. "…big."

Alex chuckled softly. "Yeah, it is." She leaned in to tenderly kiss her lips. "I want you to know that you're welcome here anytime—day or night."

Olivia smiled. "Thanks." She looked up at the ceiling. "I hope you aren't afraid of heights because you're going to need a ladder to change the light bulbs. Exactly how tall are these ceilings?"

"14 feet," Alex answered. "But I won't need one. I have my fearless detective who will do that for me."

Olivia smirked. "Right."

"Come on, let's get outta here. We'll drop our stuff off at your place before heading to the park."

"Sounds good," Olivia said, following Alex out.

* * *

When they finally reached Central Park, it was around 7:30 a.m. They began a steady jog around the Reservoir. The cool gusts of wind that occasionally breezed past them felt good against their exposed skin. Alex pushed herself harder and harder in an attempt to flush out unsettling thoughts that had invaded her brain. She could feel her lungs begin to burn. Jogging had always been cathartic for her, and now she needed it more than ever.

Olivia noticed the intensity on Alex's face. She wanted to talk to her, but she didn't want to break her concentration. When Alex sped up, she silently followed her lead. As the sun rose higher in the sky, more people joined them in the park. Even though she didn't intend to, Olivia kept throwing wary glances at certain individuals they passed.

"Liv, will you stop that?" Alex asked, stopping abruptly.

"Stop what?" Olivia asked.

"Stop checking people out!"

"Alex, I just want—"

"To make sure I'm safe. Yes, I get it, Liv. But none of these people pose a threat."

"I never said they did. It's always good to be aware of your surroundings," Olivia responded.

"Stop sounding like a cop. I'm not stupid, Liv. Besides, my therapist suggested that I take some self-defense classes and I'm starting next week. I'll be more than capable of defending myself when you aren't around."

"That's good," Olivia replied.

The bushes rustled beside them and Alex startled slightly. A large white cat came out and trotted past their feet. Alex let out a sigh of relief. Olivia placed a hand gently on her back. "It's ok, Alex. Just a cat."

Alex flushed red with embarrassment. _You've got to get a grip, Alexandra! _she scolded herself. "Let's just keep running," she muttered. She took off without Olivia.

"Thanks for waiting!" Olivia said sarcastically once she'd caught up to Alex again.

Alex pumped her legs harder as they ran under Gothic Bridge. "Oh, come on! I wasn't that far ahead of you!"

They ran for several more minutes and then Alex stopped and bent over. "Are you ok?" Olivia asked, stopping as well.

"I'm fine," Alex insisted, trying to catch her breath. She stood upright again and began rotating her arm. She suddenly winced in pain and grabbed her shoulder.

"Baby, what is it? Are you all right?" Olivia asked in alarm.

"It's just my shoulder. It's not a big deal," Alex said quickly. "Let's just keep going."

"No, sweetie. Just let me see," Olivia insisted, removing Alex's hand and rubbing her shoulder gently.

"Liv, stop fussing over me!" Alex snapped.

"Alex, you don't need to overexert—"

Alex brushed Olivia's hand away. "Liv, I'm not fragile."

"I never said you were," Olivia retorted.

"Then stop acting like it!"

"Come on, let's sit down for awhile," Olivia said, placing an arm around Alex's shoulders and leading her over to a nearby bench.

Alex noticed Olivia's hurt expression and felt guilty. "Liv, I'm all right. I swear. Sometimes it just gets a little stiff, is all."

"Ok," Olivia said softly.

"It did feel good when you rubbed it, though," Alex said, trying to lighten the mood. She gently lifted Olivia's hand and placed it back on her shoulder.

Olivia smirked. "You're not gonna bite it off, are you?"

Alex smiled slyly at her. "No. I happen to like these hands."

"Good to know." She began to massage Alex's shoulder. "Let me know if I'm hurting you, ok?"

"Ok."

When she was done, she placed a kiss on the shoulder and leaned back against the bench to wipe her brow. "Man, it's hot out here."

Alex offered her a Powerade. "Thanks," Olivia stated, taking the bottle from her and unscrewing the cap.

"You're welcome," Alex said, taking a sip of her own. "You wanna head back in a few?"

Olivia nodded. "Sounds like a good idea. I'd like to get a little more sleep before we embark on our adventures for the day."

Alex laughed. "Tired already, huh Benson? I thought you'd be good for at least half a day."

Olivia grinned. "Hey, thanks to a certain bureau chief I only got a few hours of sleep."

"You're the one who wanted to come with me, Detective."

Olivia shook her head. "You're a piece of work, Alex."

Alex smirked and drank some more of her Powerade. "What's new?"

Olivia smiled. "Glad to have the old Alex back."

"And I'm proud to be back," Alex responded, laying her head on her shoulder.

* * *

Olivia followed Alex out of the bathroom and joined her in bed. "Ok, nap time," she stated, falling against the pillows.

Alex snuggled up to her and ran her fingers through Olivia's wet locks. "I love it when we shower together."

Olivia smirked. "You didn't seem to like it earlier when we were at your place," she said with a hint of bitterness in her voice.

Alex sighed. "Listen, Liv. I'm sorry about earlier today. I wasn't being fair to you," she apologized. "Usually when I lose it like that or wake up screaming from a nightmare, I'm alone. I felt so embarrassed earlier because I didn't want you to see me break down like that."

Olivia tucked an arm snugly around Alex and kissed her nose. "Oh, sweetie…you have nothing to be ashamed of. You no longer have to go through this alone. I'm glad I was there for you this morning and I want you to know I always will be. When I said I would protect you, I didn't just mean from physical danger. I'll protect you from whatever mental demons plague you as well."

Alex was touched by Olivia's words. "Liv, I like it when you're protective of me. But I don't want to be totally dependent on you. I don't want you to think I'm weak."

"Alex, I do not think you are weak. But you're human. You're allowed to make mistakes; you're allowed to have faults. I need for you to trust me. I won't judge you for being who you are. There's no reason for you to ever have your defenses up around me."

"Ok," Alex said. She wasn't comfortable sharing these things with anyone but her therapist, but she trusted Olivia. If anyone could help her overcome her troubles, she knew it would be her. Olivia had always had a way with victims, and even though she didn't want to think of herself as one, she knew that essentially she had been.

"So tell me about it," Olivia prodded softly. "What happens when you have these nightmares?"

Alex took a deep breath. Letting it out, she started to explain. "Well…sometimes I wake up and I can barely breathe. I'll be covered in sweat and my heart beats so loud that I can hear my blood throbbing in my ears. In my nightmares I'm always running away, fighting for my life. Sometimes I make it, and other times I can feel the bullet enter me just like it happened in real life. My whole body feels like lead; it's like almost every muscle is completely immobilized. I can feel my life draining away. I scream but no one can hear me because I can't make my vocal cords work. I see you reach out to help me, but something always takes you away. Sometimes this dense black mist covers your entire body, blocking you from my view. I don't know how many times I've actually woken up screaming for you." By the time she finished, tears were rolling down her cheeks again.

Olivia pulled her into her arms for the second time that day and brushed her hair. "It's ok, baby. I'm here. Nothing and no one can take you away from me this time. Whenever you need me, I want you to call me. I don't care what time it is."

Alex quickly brushed her tears away. "I just don't understand why these nightmares keep recurring. It was two years ago. How much longer will they torment me?"

"I don't know, sweetie," Olivia said, kissing her forehead softly. "Maybe what you need is closure."

"How do I get it?" Alex asked.

Olivia sighed. She didn't want to incite more fear in Alex, but she also wanted Alex to no longer be a prisoner to her mind. "Well…they say the only way to overcome your fears is to face them. Perhaps we could go to a firing range."

A flash of panic crossed Alex's eyes. Her heart started to pound in her chest. "Um Liv…I don't know about that."

"It may help you heal."

"I-I would have to run it by my therapist."

"Well…how about we go to the spot where it happened?" Olivia suggested.

"I…I don't know," Alex repeated nervously. "I don't think I'm ready yet."

Olivia nodded. "That's fine, sweetie. I don't want you to do anything you're uncomfortable with. How often do you have nightmares?"

"It varies. Sometimes I can go weeks, even a few months without them and then they'll start again, and I'll have them back to back for a few nights. Then they disappear just as quickly as they appeared."

Olivia nodded again. "How are your brother and sister?" she asked, opting for a lighter change of subject.

Alex sighed. "They were doing fine last I talked to them. Victor and his wife are thinking of starting a family soon. He's still CEO of his company, which is one of the Fortune 500s. Katherine was accepted as a cardiology resident at Harvard. I wish Victor had handled our mother's affairs right after she died, but he didn't and the responsibility now falls on me. He said he wanted to wait until I was released from the program to settle matters, but he's so caught up in some new project that he hasn't done much at all. I've done the bulk of it by myself, but there are still a few loose ends to tie up and things to be split among us. We all have to meet with Mom's lawyers pretty soon. It will be the first time I've seen either of them since 2003. But it's not like we saw each other that often. All of us attended boarding school and we only saw each other on holidays and vacations anyway. So we just kind of went our separate ways once we grew up."

"Are you not close?"

Alex shook her head. "Not really, no. There were times when it certainly felt as if I were an only child. But I'm closer to Katherine than Victor."

Olivia sighed. "I wish I had a brother or sister."

"You have Elliot."

"Yeah, I guess that's true. He's always been like a brother to me."

"What did he say when you told him I was back?" Alex queried.

"He looked pretty shocked. Then he told me I better hurry up and type so I could leave."

Alex laughed. "Just like him."

"Are you hungry?" Olivia asked.

"A little," Alex admitted.

"How about I make you some pancakes when we wake up?"

Alex smiled. "That sounds nice."

"Ok, so it's settled," Olivia said, burying her face deeper into her pillow and closing her eyes. "Now the sooner I get to sleep, the sooner we can eat and get outta here."

Alex moved over to Olivia's pillow and kissed her cheek. "You're precious."

Olivia smiled. "You sure know how to make a girl swoon."

"I took a couple classes in college," Alex joked.

"Good to know," Olivia mumbled.

Alex stroked the fine hairs at the back of Olivia's neck. She turned the clasp of her necklace so that it rested at the very center. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too, Alex."


	6. Dorje

**Chapter 6: Dorje**

"Are you sure we gave him the right address?" Olivia asked Alex.

"Yeah," Alex said.

"How come we don't see it yet?"

"It's coming up. It's on the right."

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked.

"Positive," Alex insisted. "Ooh, see! There it is!"

They paid the driver and hopped out. Olivia held the door open for her as they walked into the antique shop. "Wow, this place is fascinating," Olivia mused, looking around.

"Isn't it, though?" Alex agreed. "These statues are so beautiful. I could really use a couple to liven up my apartment." She picked up a statue of the standing Tara, a female Buddha representing compassion, protection, and the virtues of success in work and accomplishments. "Do you like her?" she asked Olivia.

"She's very beautiful," Olivia said. "Where do you plan on putting her?"

Alex shrugged. "Oh, she could go in the living room, I guess." Suddenly, her eye caught a statue a few feet away of Sarasvati, the goddess of knowledge, music, and the arts. She read the description under her out loud: "The literal translation of her name is 'the one who flows.' She represents fluidity and creativity in literary and verbal skills."

Olivia grinned. "She will be great for you in court. But it's not like you need any help. You've always been a great orator."

Alex beamed proudly. "Why, thank you, Liv." She looked at the two statues thoughtfully. "So I'll put Tara in my living room and Sarasvati in my home office."

"Sounds good," Olivia said. "Let's check out the other side of the shop."

"Ok," Alex agreed, following her lead.

Olivia walked over to a display table and picked up a bronze object, which was about five and a half inches long and resembled a figure eight. In the center was a sphere, and on each end of the sphere was an eight-petalled lotus flower. A central prong emerged from each of the lotus flowers and was surrounded by four outer prongs which curved inward.

"What is this object?" Olivia asked the proprietor. "It's beautiful."

The proprietor walked over to them. "That's the dorje. Dorje is the Tibetan word for vajra," he explained. "It means 'indestructible.' It embodies a hardness and brilliance like that of the diamond, which is the hardest substance known to man. The dorje represents that which is powerful, indomitable, irresistible, and everlasting. In human nature, it represents the genuine and indestructible elements in man instead of the fallacies an individual creates about him or herself."

Olivia smiled and thought, _Perfect_. She picked up the statue and added it to her basket.

Alex picked up some incense and held the sticks to her nose. "Mmm…these smell lovely." She held them out for Olivia to smell.

Olivia nodded and added a few sticks to her own basket. "I agree."

"Ooh, Liv. These rugs are really nice. I think this one would look great in your apartment," Alex said, pointing to one in particular hanging on the wall. The navy rug contained a colorful combination of a phoenix and dragon design. She leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Especially in your bedroom."

Olivia smirked. "I knew you'd say that." She pulled down the rug, rolled it, and tucked it into her basket.

After perusing the shop for a few more minutes, they paid for their items. "So what made you get the dorje?" Alex asked as they exited the shop.

Olivia smiled. "It reminds me of you. You represent all the qualities it exudes. You're resilient, irresistible, brilliant, and invincible. Even a bullet couldn't destroy your life."

Alex let Olivia's words of reverence echo in her mind for a moment. "It also represents our love," she stated softly. "Nothing can destroy it, either."

"Exactly. I want you to have this," Olivia said, holding it out to her.

Alex felt tears prick the back of her eyes as she accepted the dorje. "Thank you so much."

"You're very welcome." She placed her hand at the small of Alex's back as they waited to cross the street.

"Hello Dalai is a couple blocks over. Hopefully it won't be too busy," Alex said.

"I hope not either. I'm starting to get hungry again," Olivia responded.

After being seated a few minutes later, they picked up their menus. "This all looks so scrumptious," Alex said.

"The Chasha momo is delicious," Olivia replied. "We can order it as an appetizer and share."

"That's a chicken dumpling, right?" Alex asked.

Olivia nodded. "It's my favorite."

The waitress arrived shortly with their dumplings. Olivia dipped a dumpling into the sauce with her chopsticks and held it out to Alex. Smiling, Alex gladly took a bite and licked her lips afterwards. "You're right, Liv. This is really good."

"Maybe we should start coming on a regular basis," Olivia suggested.

"Perhaps we should."

"Are you ready to order?" the waitress asked.

"Yes. I'll have the shamdeh," Alex decided.

"Beef, chicken, or lamb?"

"Lamb," Alex answered.

"Jasmine rice or tingmo?"

"Rice," Alex confirmed.

"And what will you have, ma'am?" the waitress asked Olivia.

"Uh...I'll have the chicken sha logopatsel with jasmine rice," Olivia answered.

After the waitress left, Olivia reached across the table to stroke Alex's hand and was taken aback when Alex quickly jerked away. Alex was embarrassed over being so paranoid, especially when she saw the hurt flash in Olivia's eyes. "Liv…"

Olivia's expression hardened instantly. "Don't."

_It's just like her to not even let me explain_, Alex thought bitterly. She sighed and looked out the window. They finished the rest of the momo in relative silence.

Conversation had only gotten slightly better by the time their entrées arrived several minutes later. "Would you like some of my lamb?" Alex asked.

"Sure," Olivia replied, holding her plate out to Alex.

Alex chewed her food and stared at Olivia pensively. Olivia pretended to be engaged in her meal, but Alex knew that she was purposely avoiding the issue. She hated when Olivia closed herself off like this.

Olivia could feel Alex's eyes on her. Sighing, she finally looked up to meet them. "Are you enjoying your meal?"

Alex held her gaze. "Olivia, you don't have to pretend what I did didn't bother you. I know it did."

Olivia's expression hardened slightly again. "You don't have to pretend we're something we're not."

Alex stared at her a moment before answering. "Liv…it was a stupid reflex. I just want to be discreet, that's all."

"I just wish you wouldn't act like every little drop of affection is going to make people think Alexandra Cabot is a lesbian," Olivia hissed.

Alex turned red. "I do not act like that," she hissed back. "I'm not opposed to your affection in public as long as it's subtle."

"All I wanted to do was hold your hand, not grab you and kiss you," Olivia retorted. "But don't worry. It won't happen again."

Anger flashed in Alex's eyes. "Let's just drop this before the rest of our day is ruined."

When the meal was finished, Alex gave the waitress her credit card. After she had taken it and their check away, Olivia asked, "You don't think we should've discussed the bill?"

Alex had to stifle a groan. "Must you argue about everything, Liv? I thought I would treat you. I didn't think that doing something nice for my…" She looked around self-consciously and lowered her voice. "…_girlfriend_ required discussion—or permission for that matter."

Olivia gritted her teeth. She hated the way that Alex wanted to try to control every aspect of their relationship like she controlled her cases, but she didn't want to get into another pointless argument. "Forget I said anything, Alex."

Once they were outside the restaurant, Alex said, "Look. I don't want us to argue constantly about this. If you think that this is more than you can handle, then maybe we should just end things now."

Olivia looked at her in shock. "Is that what you want, Alex?"

Alex sighed. "No. But it's what I'm prepared to live with if you plan on berating me every time I want to exercise caution in our relationship."

"Alex, I don't like arguing with you anymore than you like arguing with me. But what I dislike even more is feeling that you're ashamed of us."

"Olivia, I am not ashamed of us. I want both of us to be able to live our lives without fear of ridicule or prejudice."

_You mean you want to be able to have your political career without lesbian rumors giving you bad press_, Olivia thought dejectedly. "I understand," she replied dryly. She turned away from her and hailed a cab.

* * *

For the second time that day, Alex knew that she should try to patch things up to relieve tension between them. She took a seat beside Olivia on the sofa and gently turned her face toward her. Brushing her lips across hers, she placed a hand on her neck and leaned in closer. Olivia's lips were soft and warm but at first, less than inviting. She pressed her lips harder against hers, trying her best to convey with a simple kiss just how much she cared for Olivia. The candid intimacy they shared was unlike that she'd ever had with anyone else, and the last thing she wanted was for Olivia to withhold it because she mistakenly feared it would be unwelcome.

Olivia eventually relaxed into the kiss, but she was still upset about what had happened earlier. She wished more than anything that they could behave like a real couple around others, but there was no use pushing the issue. It was just something that she would have to deal with to keep the love of her life a part of her life. She didn't like it, but she liked being in Alex's arms, kissing her lips, making love to her, knowing she could have what no one else could. Most of all, she loved the feeling of being loved by her. And she wanted none of that to change, so it was a sacrifice she was willing to make.

"Can we make a pact?" Alex asked.

Olivia smiled. "Sure."

"Ok. Let's not fight anymore this weekend," Alex stated, taking Olivia's hands into her own.

"I'd like that very much," Olivia said, embracing Alex. Alex smoothed her hair and kissed her cheek.

"Would you like me to make you some tea?" Olivia asked.

Alex smiled. "That'd be great."

As Olivia left, Alex regarded her with concern. While she was still the same person, there were a few things different about her. The hardness and the edge that made her unique seemed to have mellowed. She had noticed it when she came back for the Connors trial, but too much was going on for her to decide if it was because of the trial or something more permanent. While at times there were glimpses of the fire she knew and loved, her eyes were now tired, and her appearance had become haggard. Even the confident swagger she was used to seeing had become slightly less pronounced. Alex hadn't expected her time in witness protection to take such a toll on Olivia. It made her even more thankful that she had gotten a chance to tell her goodbye. She felt that knowing she was alive, safe, and would return someday was probably all that kept Olivia from completely burning out. Of course, she knew how dedicated Olivia was to the Special Victims Unit, but there was only so much a body and mind could take, especially when such a personal tragedy had occurred. Olivia didn't allow herself to get close to many people, and Alex knew that she had opened herself up and been much closer to her than anyone else, including Elliot. Even her mother's death didn't have such a _numbing _effect on Olivia.

When Olivia returned, Alex took her cup of tea and nodded her thanks. As she inhaled the rich aromas of the vanilla chai and took a sip, she smiled at Olivia appreciatively. "You made my favorite."

"After you first left for the program, I started to keep it around regularly. There are only a couple places in the Village that carry your favorite brand, so I made sure to stock up. It's a relaxing blend, and it made me somehow feel close to you."

Alex smiled and placed a hand on her knee. "Oh, Liv. How I wish I could've been here with you."

Olivia sighed deeply. "I know."

After a few more sips, Alex carefully set her cup of tea down on the coffee table and turned to face Olivia. "Sweetie, have you been taking care of yourself?"

Alex's question caught Olivia a little bit off guard. "What do you mean?"

Rubbing her knee gently, Alex explained, "I've noticed that you seem so tired lately. Have you been using your vacation time?"

Olivia scoffed. "For what? The unit keeps me sane and it's not like I have anyone to visit anyway."

"You need a break, Liv. I don't want you wearing yourself out." She knew the way Olivia put her heart, mind, and soul into a case because it was always personal to her. She had been known to work nonstop for several days straight until she picked up a new lead. She blamed herself when victims died. She did not need the added pressure of heartbreak and despair weighing on her conscience as well. However, in her own time at SVU, Alex was usually able to compartmentalize her personal and professional dilemmas better than Olivia was able to, unless of course the professional reinforced the personal or vice versa. But that still didn't make personal issues any less prevalent for either of them and it still didn't change the fact that Olivia was very deeply emotionally connected to her job because of her mother's rape. She was afraid that sooner or later, Olivia would suffer emotional overload.

"Alex, I just need to work. It keeps me focused and grounded. When I'm helping others with much bigger problems in life, I have less time to wallow in my own sorrows. If I didn't have Special Victims, I'd have nothing."

Alex leaned in close and tilted Olivia's chin. "You have my heart, Liv. You always have, and that's never going to change—no matter what happens," she told her sincerely.

"It's not the same as having you, though."

"Liv, would you rather have my body or my heart?" Alex asked.

"Your heart," Olivia answered. "But I'd prefer to have both."

"It's the intangibles in life that matter the most," Alex said solemnly, holding her gaze.

It suddenly started pouring outside. They could see the sheets of rain cascading down the window behind them. A flash of lightning illuminated the dark sky. Alex stood up and put the statue of Tara on Olivia's end table. "You know…I think she'll look much better in your place than mine."

Olivia walked over and placed a hand on Alex's shoulder. "Why do you say that?"

"Well…she's like you. She's compassionate and protective. You've spent your whole life protecting others, so now I think you deserve someone who can return the favor. I want to be able to protect you just as much as you protect me. Maybe you'll look at her and think of me."

"I will," Olivia said, kissing Alex's cheek. She gingerly ran her fingers over the statue. "The funniest thing about all this is that neither of us are Buddhist," she continued.

"True, but Buddhism is more of a philosophy, so anyone can find meaning even if they don't practice it," Alex replied.

"Well, I blame religion for a lot of things because of the fanaticism of it, but I guess each religion has its strengths and weaknesses," Olivia remarked.

Alex turned to Olivia and draped her arms over her shoulders. "Listen…how about we sync our vacation time together and just go someplace?"

Olivia smiled. "I'd like that."

Alex ran a hand through Olivia's tousled locks. "We can go anywhere you want." With a wicked grin, she added, "And we can even stay in bed _all_ day if you want."

Olivia chuckled. "You mean if _you_ want."

Alex looked at the center rug lying on the floor. "Do you remember that time I made love to you on the rug?"

Olivia looked at the rug and grinned. "How could I forget?"

With a twinkle in her eye, Alex said, "Let's remake history."

"You're not gonna violate my new rug, too, are you?" Olivia asked with a grin.

"Oh, it's second on the agenda," Alex replied, grinning widely and pulling her in for a kiss.

* * *

Olivia woke up sometime later to the feeling of a warm, gifted tongue caressing her sex. She smiled and reached a hand down to investigate. Her hand met the crisp, white linen that covered her lover's slightly bobbing head.

"Mmm…what are you doing, baby?" Olivia queried, opening her eyes.

"I'm busy getting a midnight snack," Alex said, her voice muffled by the sheets.

"Well, in that case, help yourself. Ooh…a little to the left," Olivia moaned.

"You like that?" Alex asked, swiping her tongue against her inner folds.

Olivia chuckled. "You ask it like I'm going to complain."

Alex laughed softly and shook the sheet off her so it wouldn't restrict her range. She partially bent Olivia's leg and began stroking the back of her knee.

Olivia moaned while Alex let her fingers glide over her calf. "That feels so good."

"I can't get enough of the way you taste," Alex mumbled, probing her center again.

"And I can't get enough of the way you…ooh, mmm…there," Olivia breathed. "Ahh…fuck, baby."

Alex plunged her tongue as far as it could go inside. Moving her thumb in circular motions against her clit, she brought her other hand up to massage a breast.

Olivia placed a hand over Alex's on her breast. Her whole body was on fire as Alex expertly whipped her tongue around inside her. Trying not to squirm, she gripped the sheets until her knuckles were white. _I wouldn't mind waking up to this all the time_, she thought as she let herself get lost in pure ecstasy.

Just before Alex gave her release, she left her throbbing sex to lick a line up to her breasts. As Alex pulled a rock-hard nipple with her teeth, Olivia arched her back to push more of her breast into her mouth.

"Oh, shit, Alex!" Olivia gasped.

Moving to the other nipple, Alex looked up into Olivia's eyes with a smile. _As if I need any encouragement_, she thought. She reached down and roughly shoved three fingers into Olivia's dripping sex. When her middle finger hit her G-spot, she curved it and stroked the fleshy mass relentlessly until Olivia was quaking violently under her. Alex swooped down to gently lick the juices from her sex and then came up her body to capture her mouth in a passionate kiss.

It took Olivia several minutes to recover from all her orgasms completely. Her heart still threatened to thud right out of her chest and she had to force her mind to form coherent thoughts. The sheets were drenched with sweat underneath her. However, neither she nor Alex seemed to mind.

Alex tucked her head in the crook of Olivia's neck and softly stroked her stomach. "You complete me."

Olivia smiled down at Alex, whose alabaster skin seemed to glow in the moonlight. "And you complete me, too."


	7. Vertigo

**Chapter 7: Vertigo**

Alex and Olivia had been dating a little over a month and things had been going well so far. Both of them had been happier in that short expanse of time than they'd been in two years. Olivia had regained her vitality and Alex her valor. And even though both their work environments were stressful, things didn't get to them as much as they used to. Alex was more pleasant around the bureau and Olivia smiled more at the unit. They even traveled to the other's workplace to meet for lunch when they could. Alex's ADAs were young, but Olivia liked the passion she saw in them and how well Alex motivated them. She always had a lot more to offer than the average prosecutor, and it was good to see Alex taking charge of her innate leadership skills and passing off some of her technique to her subordinates. This seemed like the perfect position for her.

Everyone at SVU was glad to have Alex back, even if she wasn't really theirs anymore, and her usually reserved nature had lightened up quite a bit. Although she was often at the brunt of Munch's jokes, she managed to turn the tables and give him a run for his money, causing the squad room to erupt with laughter. Even Casey enjoyed having Alex around, and she was happy that Alex had such a positive influence on Olivia's temperament. Alex was good for Olivia in a way no one else was, and she wondered at times if there was something more between them than just good friendship.

"So I'll see you tomorrow?" Alex asked after they returned from dinner.

"Sure," Olivia said, reaching out to grasp Alex's hands.

"Good. Then until tomorrow," Alex replied, leaning in to tenderly capture Olivia's lips.

Olivia happily returned the kiss and then pulled back. "Until tomorrow," she responded. She noticed that the taxi driver was getting impatient, so she continued, "Well, I guess I better go before this guy drives off without me."

Alex chuckled. "Ok." She opened the door for Olivia to get in. Olivia waved as the driver pulled off. When she was out of sight, Alex turned to go inside her building. What she didn't notice was Elizabeth Donnelly, the current bureau chief for SVU, watching her intently from the opposite side of the street.

Donnelly was in a state of awe at what she had just witnessed. _Well, well, well. Who would have ever guessed that Alexandra Cabot was a lesbian?_

* * *

The next morning Alex was at her desk sifting through case files when she heard a knock at her door. "Come in!" she shouted without looking up.

Liz Donnelly came in and shut the door. "Hello, Alex."

Alex looked up. "Liz! What a surprise!" She stood up and walked over to give her a quick hug. She looked her over. "How have you been?"

"Just dandy," Liz said, taking a seat. "What about yourself?"

Alex returned to her desk. "Well, I'm buried in cases for the next 10 years and have three meetings this afternoon alone, but other than that, pretty good." She took off her glasses and placed them beside her pen. "So what brings you here?"

Liz folded her hands over her stomach and leaned back in the chair. "Well, now that you're bureau chief I thought I could just share a few words of wisdom with you."

Alex wrinkled her brow and narrowed her eyes. "Words of wisdom? Liz, I know how—"

Liz held her hand up for silence. "Hold on a second, Alex. Let me finish. As I'm sure you know, your personal life is your business. However, being in charge of an entire bureau comes with certain responsibilities and expectations."

Alex frowned. "What exactly are you saying, Liz?"

Liz sighed. "I saw you and Detective Benson kissing last night outside your apartment building."

All the color drained from Alex's face. She swallowed hard. Her blood began to pound in her temples. She had a sudden sense of vertigo, even though she was sitting down. She looked down at her glasses and stared for several seconds, silently willing the dizzying sensation to pass. _This cannot be happening to me!_ When she looked into Liz's eyes again, a flash of panic crossed her face that was quickly replaced by anger. "You were spying on me?" she accused.

"I wasn't spying, Alex. I was in the neighborhood visiting an old friend. When I turned my head, the two of you caught my attention. I did a double take when I realized it was you and Detective Benson."

Alex stared at Liz. "Did you tell Arthur?"

"No, Alex. I haven't told anyone and I don't plan on it. It's none of my business. I just wanted to inform you of what I saw. Chances are that if I saw you, then it's very possible that someone else has seen you as well. If no one has and you continue to be public with your affection for Detective Benson, then there's a good chance that will happen soon. Ever since I've known you, you've always been very politically oriented. You have to decide what is best for the bureau. You don't want a photo of the two of you locking lips ending up in the Ledger. You represent this office and can't afford a scandal. You know how conservative Arthur is."

Alex stood up. "Are you telling me whom I can and cannot date?"

Liz stood up as well. "No, Alex. I'm merely telling you to be more careful and begin making judicious decisions since you are responsible for the integrity of this entire bureau. That's all. Not everyone is as liberal or understanding as I am." She regarded Alex for a few more seconds before turning around and exiting her office.

"Shit," Alex muttered under her breath. She could not believe that fate had chosen to rip away her joy again in such a short amount of time. Feeling cornered, she decided that she really would have to end things with Olivia.

While she loved politics, being a sycophant was something she had always hated. She once thought she could have a political future without compromising her personal ethics, but now she thought this was just a pipe dream. As distressing as it was, she knew firsthand that making decisions based on her emotions could land her in hot water. In the past when she had gone against the status quo and defied the law or her superiors' authority, she'd suffered serious repercussions—she had been suspended, threatened with the disciplinary committee, found in contempt of court and thrown in lockup, and worst of all, she had been shot and almost killed. After being reprimanded several times during her time in SVU, she was lucky she was never disbarred. While she sometimes got away with being overzealous and righteous about the cases she prosecuted, she couldn't afford to be so audacious now when she was actually in command of a bureau and had such a bright political light illuminating her every move and utterance. She wanted to shake her reputation for bending the law and manipulating the court to suit her needs, and she knew that some of the people she'd crossed in the past would be more than eager to use whatever they could against her. If she wanted to remain bureau chief, she was going to have to give up a lot.

Because of all this, she thought that perhaps breaking things off with Olivia would be best after all. She knew that they would eventually have conflicts about her political persona conflicting with her passion for advocacy. She could remember what Liz had told her when she was handling Katie Tolliver's case a few years ago: "You wanna be a crusader for victims' rights, go work for social services. Your job is to prosecute crime." Olivia had never been a fan of politics and would not support or understand when she would have to make decisions to suit her superiors that may leave some victims getting the short end of the stick. So if the sexuality issue didn't drive them apart, politics would.

Nonetheless, it still pained her to know that the one thing that mattered the most to her was the most forbidden. As Cragen had told her, the law wasn't always about justice, but sadly, neither was real life.

For the rest of the day, she battled with herself on how she would break things to Olivia. It would certainly be no easy task, but she hoped she had enough strength this time to remain steadfast in her convictions. What she had previously thought of as mere paranoia was in fact very real at this point, and she refused to let heart rule over head again.


	8. The Road Not Taken

**Chapter 8: The Road Not Taken**

Olivia opened up her door to let Alex in. "Hey, sweetie," she said, greeting her with a quick kiss on the lips.

"Hey," Alex replied, looking away quickly and folding her arms nervously.

Olivia immediately noticed that something was bothering her. "Is everything ok?"

"Liv, something's happened," Alex declared, trying to keep the panic out of her voice.

"What's wrong, baby?"

"Donnelly saw us kissing last night," Alex replied, trying to fight back tears.

Olivia felt her heart drop into her stomach. Her throat suddenly became dry. "H-how do you know?"

Alex sighed and brushed past Olivia to take a seat on the sofa. "She came to my office today and told me."

Olivia took a seat beside Alex and forced her to face her. "Did she also tell you to stop seeing me?"

Alex paused for a few seconds before answering, "No…not exactly. She just gave me this spiel about how I'm in charge of an entire bureau and I'm expected to maintain its integrity. She said if she's seen us together, then someone else could have as well. She was telling me about the scandal it would create if word spread about us or a picture of us kissing ended up in the Ledger."

Olivia's mouth dropped open. "But Alex, we were hardly in public! We were outside your apartment building!"

Alex looked down at her hands in her lap. "I know, Liv. But if Liz could be in the neighborhood totally by coincidence and see us in a spot that was relatively private, then that means anyone could catch us."

Olivia shook her head. "This is bullshit. We'll just have to completely cut off any type of affection unless we're actually inside our apartments."

Alex ran a hand through her hair nervously and propped her elbow against the arm of the sofa. Her heart pounded in her chest as she tried to garner the strength to tell Olivia her decision. "Liv…it's just…I don't know if it's such a good idea for us to continue dating."

Olivia couldn't believe her ears. "Alex, you can't be serious. You're going to give up so easily after everything we've been through?"

Alex bit her lip and looked off to the side. "I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but—"

"Why are you doing this to me, Alex?" Olivia interrupted, her lower lip trembling. "Do you know what hurt even more than knowing you weren't dead? Knowing you were alive and I couldn't have you. To me, that was crueler than death. At least if you had really died, I would have known that it was over and you were taken from me for good and there would be no chance of us ever being together again. But it hurt like hell to know that you were alive, and I couldn't know where you were nor could I be with you. It was like a sick joke was being played on us. And now we have this beautiful chance where you're safe and sound again, where you've been completely given your life back, and you choose not to include me in it because of one minor slight. How could you be so cruel?"

Olivia's gut-wrenching words flagellated Alex's insides. "Liv…when we were together before I left, we tried so hard to keep our love a secret. It was easier then because I wasn't in the position I am now—"

Olivia tried to fight back tears. "So you'd rather pretend you're straight just because you're afraid of losing some title?" she asked, her voice breaking.

The word "terrible" couldn't even begin to describe how Alex felt. "Liv, I'm sorry. It's just that… the New York District Attorney's office isn't ready for a gay or lesbian bureau chief. Despite anti-discrimination laws, there are still some bigots who can manipulate the law to their advantage. The DA's office isn't going to be dragged through the mud just to support a lesbian. A few people are still up in arms that I got the position instead of Selinksi. If I had never come back, she would have been a shoo-in. I don't want to come in one day to find out I've suddenly been demoted or reassigned."

"So let me get this straight. You're choosing your career over me? Over our love?" Olivia asked glaringly.

Alex felt her heart breaking. "I don't want to, Liv. I really don't. But I don't want my life and yours pulled through the ringer just because someone leaked that we were together. When I came back I never imagined I'd receive a title like this in a million years. Donnelly had my job _10 years_, Olivia, before she ever had a shot at bureau chief. I mean…I would've been lucky to get a spot as a new Homicide ADA."

Olivia scoffed. "And you think you're going to be happy?"

Alex sighed. "Olivia, what you have to understand is that prosecuting is what I love. This job is one of my dreams. I planned to move up from ADA to Bureau Chief to judge to DA." She sighed again. "It just would have taken longer than expected if I hadn't…" She paused to collect herself at the painful memory. "…been shot."

Olivia placed her hand on Alex's thigh and scooted closer to her. "Alex, you could still be DA! What about that lesbian judge who was elected DA a few years ago in San Diego?"

"Liv, she was the first in the country so that was a rare occurrence. Besides, San Diego has an extremely large gay demographic—"

Olivia threw her hands up exasperatedly. "Um, so does New York City, Alex!"

"Yes, but New York City still has a lot of conservatives or so-called liberals with conservative thinking. It's common knowledge that out gays and lesbians are pretty much rare in New York politics. What makes you think that I'm suddenly going to be elected the first lesbian DA here if we can't even get legally married in this state? Hell, we don't even have civil unions. At least California has those."

Olivia grabbed one of Alex's hands. "Alex, you could be the one to change all that! Since when have you ever been one not to take a stand?"

Alex couldn't help but get frustrated. "Olivia, you don't understand how politics work! Things aren't that simple!"

The tears freely rolled down Olivia's cheeks and she abruptly let go of Alex's hand. "Wow. I never took you for a coward, Cabot."

Alex quickly brushed away the tears that she could no longer hold in. Her skin felt unnaturally cold when Olivia withdrew contact. Having Olivia call her something like that really hurt her. She had always complimented her for her bravery, and to hear her retract such praise stung beyond belief. Swallowing hard, she looked down and said quietly, "This is a lucky break for me, Liv. I thought you'd be happy for me."

Olivia sighed. "Alex, I am happy for you. But I'd be even happier for us. That night in the safe house you told me you dreamed about the day you could return to me for good."

Alex gazed into her chocolate eyes and reached out to touch her hand. "That's all true. Olivia, there was not a day that went by that I didn't think about you. It's just…there are some things you cannot foresee. This is one of them." She declined to tell her that what scared her even more than losing her career was the possibility of losing her again due to some tragedy, so she decided to just stick to the career defense. At least if she made the decision not to have her, forces beyond their control would not be directly responsible for their heartache.

"Alex, there are other closeted politicians and lawyers out there—probably a lot more than you think! Why in the world do you think you would be outed just because Liz saw you?"

"Liv, who knows that Liz is the only one? Maybe she's the only one who decided to tell me personally. How do I know that one of my enemies isn't running straight to the Post or the Ledger right now to leak stuff about me?"

"News travels fast around here! If anyone had, then we'd already be in there!"

"Olivia, I just need you to understand that people are going to be watching me a lot more now that I'm a bureau chief. When Judge Thornburg was suspected of molesting his step-daughter a few years ago, I told Liz that if the light the prosecutors shone on him wasn't brighter than the light shone on the public then the bureau had no integrity. Why do you suddenly think that doesn't apply to me, too?"

"Alex, he _raped_ his 11-year-old step-daughter! You of all people should know that sexual orientation is not in the same boat!"

"Olivia…to some people, it's just as despicable," Alex said, letting another tear fall from her eye.

"Fuck those people! If they are that closed-minded, then why would you even want their support?"

Alex shakily expelled a breath. "There's a lot of good I can do for the people of New York in politics. You have to pick your battles, Liv. If I'm out, there are a lot of people who won't vote for me just because of my orientation regardless of the fact that I'm the better candidate with more effective policies! Burstein lost the election for State Attorney General for the sole reason that Molinari declared her unfit because she was a lesbian."

"So you think you should stay in the closet just to make a bunch of homophobes happy?" Olivia asked incredulously.

"Liv, I'm not trying to make homophobes happy. I'm just trying to do what is best for my career and the people around me."

Olivia jumped up off the sofa. "You're trying to do what is best for yourself, Alex! That's what this is all about! You don't give a damn how many people you hurt as long as your precious secret is kept! Are you going to start sleeping with guys again, too just so you can have people vouch that you like dick? I mean, actions speak louder than words, right?"

Alex jumped up and moved into her face. "You are out of line, Olivia Benson!"

"No, Alex! _You_ are the one who is outta line!" Olivia yelled back. She pressed her index finger against Alex's chest. "No matter how many men you get with, no matter how many façades you put up, you can't change what's on the inside." She felt her hot tears drop onto the carpet. "And because you're afraid of being who you are, you're going to break many more hearts along the way. Men are gonna fall in love with you and will always wonder why you could never love them back. Is that fair?"

By this time, Alex's shoulders were trembling. The tears kept falling and she didn't even care to try to stop them. "Life's not fair, Liv," she said regretfully.

Despite her anger and heartache, Olivia couldn't stand to see Alex in so much pain. She took her into her arms and soothingly rubbed her back. "Shh…everything will be ok."

After taking solace in her arms for a few minutes, Alex pulled back and exclaimed, "I do love you, Liv! I really do! It was never my intention to break your heart! And I want more than anything to be with you. I just…can't. Not this way." Impulsively, she closed her eyes and pressed her lips as hard as she could against Olivia's.

The force of the kiss caused Olivia to almost lose her balance. Alex wrapped her arms around her and held her upright. When Olivia parted her lips to get some air, Alex tilted her head and thrust her tongue inside. Olivia was a bit overwhelmed at the desperation but returned the kiss full-force. If it was going to be their last kiss, she wanted to let Alex know everything she was giving up. She wanted this moment to stand out in her mind when she regretfully thought about the future they could have had. She wanted the taste of her haunting her mind whenever she kissed or made love to someone else, so she would know how no one else could ever compare. And most of all, she wanted her to know that no one else would love her as deeply as she did.

When their lips parted several moments later, Olivia pressed her forehead against Alex's and swore, "Alex…I'd give my life for you. You know that. If it came down to it, I'd give up everything to be with you. I don't like your choice, but I'll never stop loving you."

Fresh tears started to fall as Alex felt her heart breaking all over again. She placed her hand on Olivia's cheek. "I will never care for anyone else the way I do for you. You'll always be the love of my life."

"I know," Olivia whispered.

"Promise me you'll stay strong, ok?" Alex pleaded.

"I'll survive," Olivia replied with a weak smile. She glanced down at the floor before looking back into Alex's eyes. "Can we at least still be friends?" She didn't want to sound like she was begging—begging was something she hated to do—but after all the time they'd spent together, she couldn't fathom having such happiness completely taken from her. Alex as a friend was better than no Alex at all.

Alex wanted to tell her "no" because she thought it would be too hard for the both of them, but at the same time, she just couldn't bear to be without Olivia somehow in her life. Smiling, she confirmed, "Sure." _We__** can**__ just be friends. Right?_ she wondered.

Olivia nodded. "So, um…I guess this is goodbye?"

"How about 'see you later'?" Alex asked, forcing a smile.

Olivia nodded again. "Ok."

They stared into each other's eyes for a few moments longer. After what seemed like an eternity, Alex picked up her purse. "I…I should go."

Olivia saw her to the door. Alex turned around one last time and brushed her lips across hers. "I love you," she vowed, running her fingers down Olivia's jawline.

Olivia smiled and watched Alex walk down the hall. Closing the door, she slumped back against it and let herself slowly slide to the floor as the tears poured from her eyes again.

* * *

Alex curled up on her sofa with her second glass of wine for the night. She thought that since she was the one to break things off, the whole process would be easier. So far, it hadn't been. The pain kept stabbing her heart and no amount of tears or alcohol could wash it away. The sobs that escaped her throat reverberated off the walls. Looking around, she thought about how much larger and emptier her apartment seemed. A place that had once felt tranquil and cozy was now filled with loneliness. She picked up the dorje Olivia had given her. _I don't deserve this_, she thought bitterly. _Olivia was right. I'm nothing but a coward._ She squeezed the dorje with all her might as her sobs grew louder. 

_You've got to pull yourself together, Cabot_. She could barely see the painting on her wall for the film of tears that clouded her vision. The guilt she felt for being so selfish was overwhelming. If Olivia was willing to be so selfless, then why couldn't she? A dream of a political career was something she had wanted ever since she was a little girl. But would it really be worth it all? Was she making the right choice? Or was she making the biggest mistake of her life by not following her heart's deepest desires? Only time would tell. She finished off her glass of wine and dragged her exhausted body upstairs to her bedroom.

* * *

_I shall be telling this with a sigh  
Somewhere ages and ages hence:  
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—  
I took the one less traveled by,  
And that has made all the difference._

—_Robert Frost_


	9. Broken

**Chapter 9: Broken**

Over the next few weeks, Olivia and Alex tried to be friends, but that only complicated matters. They wanted their relationship to be similar to the one they had when they were just getting to know each other several years ago. They used to test the waters by just going out for coffee, lunch, dinner, or an occasional drink at the bar without ever upping the ante to intimacy. However, they couldn't return to that point no matter how hard they tried. Now they would go out to dinner, the opera, cabarets, the theater, art galleries, and other venues, and then they would go back to one or the other's apartment. The sexual tension in the air was so thick that you couldn't even cut it with a knife. They'd sit mere inches apart on the sofa, trying not to invade the other's personal space. For awhile they managed to control themselves, but unfortunately sooner rather than later they no longer had any self-control.

Alex was back in Olivia's arms and back in her bed before she knew it. She felt herself falling deeper and deeper in love with Olivia, if that was possible. She told herself that she had to break this off before she was too weak once again, before she got used to being with her. _What is it about Liv that does this to me? Why does she cause me to lose all self-control? _she wondered. It wasn't passion from lust; she could differentiate that easily. It was pure passion from love. When she and Olivia made love, the physical gratification from sex wasn't her primary interest. She did it because she wanted—needed—all of her. She wanted to feel emotionally and spiritually complete, and she was sure Olivia did as well. She was disappointed at herself for letting things go so far, but there was nothing she could do about it now except make sure it didn't happen again in the future. She was thinking of Olivia already in terms of a girlfriend again, even though that term had not come up.

She sat on her sofa and just stared at her phone beside her. She was supposed to call Olivia to meet for dinner at The Water Club but decided against it. She didn't like taking the easy way out, but she couldn't face Olivia and risk breaking her heart again. She thought back to their breakup a few weeks ago and the memory of the look on Olivia's face made her heart drop each time. Besides, Olivia could always read her like a book, and she'd push until Alex told her what was going on. As shady as it was, she was hoping they would slowly just drift apart and wean themselves off each other. Olivia would eventually get tired of her excuses to avoid making new plans or to cancel on plans they'd already made.

But Olivia wouldn't tire so easily that night. She called five times before Alex finally turned off her phone. Alex hoped Olivia would think that she got caught up at the office or something. However, it turned out that she would have no such luck. Olivia showed up at her door less than an hour later.

"Alex, why didn't you answer my calls? I was worried about you," she said, walking in.

"I-I…just—" Alex stammered, looking down. "I was going to call you and tell you I couldn't make dinner because of the Mancini trial tomorrow, but I fell asleep."

Olivia frowned. "You're not a very good liar."

Alex sighed deeply. "You know how big this trial is. I had some last minute adjustments to my arguments I needed to make and I couldn't afford any distractions."

Olivia took a step closer to Alex. "Oh, so now I'm a distraction?"

Alex massaged her temples and replied, "Liv, you're a pleasant distraction, but a distraction nonetheless. I need to focus tonight."

"You knew this trial started tomorrow before we made dinner plans. So lay off the excuses, Alex."

Alex threw her hands up in the air. "Olivia, cut the umbilical cord already! We don't have to spend every spare minute together and I don't owe you an explanation for everything that goes on in my life!"

"Alex, we're just friends and last time I checked, _friends_ hang out. What's the real reason you've been avoiding me?" Olivia demanded.

"Liv, we're not just friends and you know it!" Alex yelled before she could stop herself.

Olivia crossed her arms. "We're in love. That's not going to change, regardless of whether we call ourselves friends or lovers. So what's your point, Alex?"

"I just think we need a little breather. We've been spending far too much time with each other lately and it's like we're still—"

"So that's what you're worried about?" Olivia interrupted. "You think I'm gonna pressure you to be my girlfriend again? I didn't come over here to jump your bones, Alex."

"Liv, we've already crossed too many boundaries already."

"But, Alex! We were doing fine. Yeah, things went a little further than we expected but we both enjoyed it." She looked down. "At least I did."

Alex moved forward and lifted Olivia's chin. "Liv, that's the problem. I enjoyed it too much." Olivia's chocolate eyes bore into hers and she felt herself drowning. She forced her eyes to look away. It was now or never. _Don't lose your resolve, Alex_, she told herself.

"Alex, well…we don't have to have sex. We can go back to just being friends again."

Alex sighed. She desperately wanted to still be a part of Olivia's life but knew she couldn't do it. She would be breaking her own rules—again. "Olivia, I don't think so. If I am to be around you, then I have to be in a relationship with you. I tried…and I can't settle for just being your friend. I can't stop myself from wanting more from you."

Olivia could not believe Alex was dragging her through this again. "You are unbelievable, Cabot. Here, let me help you with that knife so you can stab it even deeper in my heart!"

"I hope one day you can forgive me," Alex said painfully, not able to meet her eyes.

Olivia took another step toward her. "Forgive you? That's such a copout and you know it! It's too hard for you so you decide you can't even be _my friend_ now?"

Alex looked up. "Olivia, you couldn't control yourself anymore than I could!"

"You're the one who kissed me first and started us down this road again!"

"And you were _quite_ the willing participant!" Alex shouted back.

"You know what, Alex? Fuck this and fuck you!" Olivia said, grabbing her jacket off the back of the armchair. "If you don't want me in your life, then I'm not gonna beg you!"

Alex grabbed her arm. "Liv, wait! It's not that I don't—"

Olivia turned back around and yanked her arm out of her grasp. "Keep your hands off me! You have no right to touch me anymore!"

Alex couldn't stop the tears that had started to roll down her cheeks. "Liv, please! I don't want us to end like this!"

"You mean you want to completely cut me out of your life to make things easier for your ass but you want me to smile and give you a hug? Did you expect a passive little 'Thanks! It's been fun!' from me?" Olivia asked in amazement. "You've got to be shitting me!"

Alex looked down at the carpet. "Liv, it's not so much that I'm trying to cut you out of my life as it is that I'm trying to cut myself out of yours."

"Stop splitting hairs, Alex! It's the same thing! You want to create a life without me!"

Alex's lower lip trembled as she slowly raised her eyes back to Olivia's. "I don't want to, Liv! I have to! Why can't you understand that?"

"Because you're full of shit, Alex!" Olivia screamed. "You're so fucking paranoid that you concoct all these scenarios that might happen if more people find out you're gay! You just wanna take the easy road out!"

Alex's sadness was quickly replaced by anger. "You have no clue what it's like to be in my shoes—what it's like to come from a world with WASP society parents who placed certain expectations on their offspring! Everybody wants me to be successful, but nobody wants me to be gay! This is my life, Liv! Not yours!"

"Save me the pity party, Alex. You can have your damn life. I want nothing more to do with you. Don't ever contact me again," Olivia told her, turning around and marching through the foyer to the door.

Alex quickly followed after her. "Liv, stop! Please!"

"Fuck off, Alex!" Olivia demanded coldly, not bothering to turn back around.

"_Liv_!" Alex screamed desperately as the door slammed in her face. She flinched at the sound, one that would forever be etched into her memory.

It took Alex several minutes to wrap her mind around what had just happened. She couldn't believe things had played out that way. Out of all the fights they'd had, she'd never seen Olivia so angry with her. Olivia had never forbidden her contact. _God, I never expected to lose her like this_, she thought. She hated herself enough for what she did; the last thing she needed was for Olivia to hate her, too. Besides, when she wanted to break things off with Olivia, she only wanted to comfortably distance herself from her; she hadn't planned on actually never seeing or speaking to her again. She wanted the only reason Olivia wasn't in her life to be because she wouldn't let her, not because she absolutely _couldn't_ have her. She liked having the option of calling at some point in the future just to check in on her, but now Olivia had given her no choice. She'd never felt so defeated in her life. She didn't see how she could fix this or why she should even bother. Whether things ended on good or bad terms, she was left with the same result—no Olivia.

Forcing her body to move again, she went upstairs and decided to take out her suit for the next day. As she walked into her closet and began sifting through clothes, her hand suddenly brushed against something. It was Olivia's lavender button-down shirt, which happened to be her favorite because she absolutely loved the way it looked on Olivia. Olivia was more prone to wear her blue or red ones, but it was just something about this one that Alex treasured. She'd even ask her to wear it sometimes. Carefully taking the shirt off the hanger, she held it in her hands for a few seconds before bursting into tears. She crumpled to the floor and sobbed helplessly into the shirt. After a few minutes, she was struggling to breathe and her ribs ached, but none of that mattered.

When she finally pulled herself off the floor, she managed to wash her face, brush her teeth, and change into her gown for bed. Picking up Olivia's shirt off the floor, she climbed into bed and hugged it tightly to her chest as she prayed for sleep to overtake her. But that wouldn't happen anytime soon. With each passing minute, the sting of Olivia's rejection bore a deeper hole into her heart. The coldness in her eyes and her voice was more painful than the bullet that had ripped through her shoulder. Something about it transcended mere flesh and pierced her soul. It was the same coldness Olivia reserved for the most violent and sadistic of perps. She hadn't felt such an incredible loss since the marshals had taken her away after her brief meeting with Olivia two years ago. But what had kept her going besides being in love with Olivia was knowing how much Olivia loved her back and that one day, she would be able to return to her. Now what would keep her going since she wasn't allowed this? Sure, Olivia had said she'd never stop loving her but that was no longer a comfort since she'd told her she wanted nothing more to do with her. She loved this woman more than life itself and now had no receptacle for it, even though she knew it was her own fault. The tears descended down her cheeks again and drenched her pillowcase. She angrily threw the pillow across the room and grabbed another.

She tossed and turned for another half hour before giving up on sleep. Pulling herself out of bed, she walked out onto her terrace. She shivered as the cool night air whipped around her body. _I should've put on Liv's shirt. _She lifted her arm and slowly began rotating her shoulder, which had become stiff. But this just reminded her of the times Olivia would massage the pain out of her shoulder. Olivia's touch was gentler than her doctor's and much more welcome. As she looked out over the city, she wondered how many others were alone and desolate because of choices they'd made. A part of her was broken and she wasn't sure she could ever fix it. She didn't know how she'd find the strength to go into the office the next morning, but she would just have to swallow her pain and guilt and move forward. _Being with Olivia was the first time I'd lived in two years_, she thought. She knew she would go back to being a shell of her former self, just as she did when she was in the program. _Maybe I should've been an actress._

Over the years, she had been commonly dubbed an "ice princess" because to many, her cold exterior was very off-putting and made her hard to decipher. She didn't see her true self as cold, though—just level-headed and confident. Her stoic mask of professionalism had been perfected during her former years, and it was what made her an excellent lawyer. Sometimes it leaked into her personal interactions with people, but it was solely a means of self-preservation in order to stay on top, accomplish her goals in life, and avoid being side-tracked or swindled. Beyond her mask was a warm and caring person, and it was up to her discretion which side one saw.

However, whenever she tried to suppress her deepest emotions, she lost a part of her identity. This was something she was used to compromising her entire life, and she didn't know if she could ever put it to rest. But Olivia was a part of her identity, a part of her reality, so where would she be without her—someone who stripped her of her façades and laid her soul bare? Olivia was responsible for a lot of her progression, and now she felt like she was back at square one. Taking a deep breath, she turned around and walked back inside. As she lay down again, she picked up Olivia's shirt and deeply inhaled her scent. She didn't know how she was going to return any of Olivia's clothes, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to try. She liked having something so personal of hers and she knew deep down that her heart would never let go of Olivia, even if Olivia managed to let go of her.

* * *

"Fuck her, Elliot! I don't ever wanna see her again!" Olivia shouted, picking up her glass of scotch again. She felt a certain satisfaction as the liquid burned a path down her throat.

Elliot gently pried the glass out of her fingers. "Liv, calm down," he said, putting his hands on her shoulders and guiding her over to the sofa.

"I don't want to hear Alex's name again. I want to forget she ever existed," Olivia grumbled.

"You know you don't really mean that, Liv," Elliot said, sitting down beside her.

"Try me," Olivia barked. She clumsily reached for her glass but Elliot kept it out of her reach. "Give it back, Elliot!"

"No, Liv. I think you've had enough for the night. We do have to be at the bullpen bright and early tomorrow morning."

Olivia slumped against the back of the sofa. "Don't remind me." She tried reaching for her glass again but to no avail. "Knock it off, El. I'm not Kathleen. I'm not gonna get behind the wheel wasted, I just wanna finish my fucking drink!"

That comment stung, but Elliot decided to ignore it since Olivia wasn't herself at the moment. "You're not getting this glass back. Drinking yourself into oblivion is not going to erase your problems."

"Maybe it'll erase Alex from my memory."

"You can't erase your heart, Liv."

"_I have no heart_!" Olivia screamed, jumping to her feet and almost stumbling over a leg of the coffee table. She felt her head begin to swim from standing up too quickly. "Alex took a sledgehammer and smashed it to pieces tonight."

Elliot quickly rose and helped Olivia steady herself. "It won't always hurt this much."

"Why'd I ever have to fall in love with her?" Olivia yelled.

"Can't help who you fall in love with. She'll eventually come back to you, Liv."

"I don't fucking want her! I'll never forgive her for what she did!"

"Yeah, you will," Elliot insisted, pushing her back down on the sofa. "Listen, I'm gonna go get you some water. Promise me you'll stay put?"

Olivia grumbled something unintelligible as Elliot took her glass into the kitchen. She didn't really want booze or water, she simply wanted to do nothing, see nothing, hear nothing, and feel nothing. She wanted to pass out on her bed and not wake up until sometime the next morning.

Elliot returned a couple minutes later with a bottle of water. Olivia mumbled her thanks and took a few gulps. Setting the water on the coffee table, she sighed and brought her knees up to her chest. A tear rolled down her cheek and she asked, "What am I gonna do, Elliot?"

Elliot turned to the side to face her and rubbed her knee. "Well, nothing worth having is ever easy. I believe that one day Alex will get her priorities straight and realize she's miserable without you, but you can't put your life on hold waiting for it to happen. Go out and meet people. Play the field awhile if you want. You don't have to commit to anyone, but I'm not gonna let my best friend sit around moping and drinking."

"Forgive me, El if I don't feel like partying. I feel so stupid! Getting all excited to see her tonight like some stupid schoolgirl while she was planning to tell me she didn't want me to be a part of her life!"

Elliot sighed. "Just keep yourself busy and your mind occupied with thoughts other than Alex. You'll be ok. You're one tough cookie. Look at all you've overcome already."

Olivia forced a small smile. "Thanks, El. It's just…I wish things were different. We see enough depravity in our lives everyday. How someone like Alex who is so familiar with the deepest and darkest parts of human nature could do something so cruel…I'll just never understand."

"I doubt she understands things herself, Liv. Love is complicated. But you know she didn't do it on purpose. She loves you too much. She's being selfish, no doubt, but she'd never intentionally try to destroy you."

"Love is only complicated because people put other shit before it."

Elliot looked down and thought about his own problems with his family. Before Kathy left him, she'd frequently complained about how he put SVU before her and their kids. He'd give anything to have his family back. "Yeah. Love's everything. Family's everything."

Olivia looked at him and gave a sympathetic smile. "You miss 'em, don't you?"

"Yeah. I really do."

"I hope things work out for you guys."

Elliot took a deep breath. Letting it out, he responded, "Yeah…me, too." He looked at his watch. "Well, I should get some shuteye. Think you'll be ok?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah. Thanks for coming over and putting up with my whining."

Elliot leaned over and gave her a hug. "That's what partners are for."

After Elliot left, Olivia picked up the necklace Alex had given her and slid it back and forth against her neck. She wanted to rip it off, throw it out the window, flush it down the toilet—but she just didn't have the heart. As much as she hated what Alex was doing, she couldn't bring herself to hate her. That necklace was a symbol of something she'd never felt with anyone else—a love so powerful, so real, so consuming that it had torn down the walls she'd placed around herself and her heart. While she had loved before, it had been for all the wrong reasons, and she'd never been _in love _or experienced love that was pure, natural, and unconditional. When she dated the guy twice her age in high school, she was subconsciously looking for someone who had all the characteristics of a model father figure as well as a lover, and when she dated her mother's 21-year-old student when she was 16, she was looking for someone to rescue her from her mother's drinking and abuse. But she didn't have a reason for loving Alex, especially not after how she'd broken her heart. She just did and for the life of her, she couldn't understand why. She knew that time would numb the pain, but that thought wasn't too comforting at that moment.

She picked up her cell phone and scrolled through her contacts. Of course, Alex was the first name on her list. She thought about deleting the contact but decided against it at the last minute. _What's the point? I have all her numbers memorized anyway_, she thought dejectedly. Despite everything, a small part of her wanted to hold onto Alex. She knew it was useless, but she had to face it—Alex was cemented into her mind and her heart. She'd never completely forget her, but she could try to work around the memory of her.

She pulled herself up from the sofa and got ready for bed. Alex had just spent the night a couple days earlier and her scent was still on her pillow, so were a few strands of her hair. Choking back tears, Olivia pulled Alex's pillow close and placed her head on it. She wondered if she'd been too cruel to Alex. _Nah. She deserved it_, she decided. Still, she couldn't help feeling guilty for the harsh things she'd said. _Why does love have to hurt so much?_ She turned over and looked out her window. The moonlight poured in and washed over a framed photo of the two of them on a hiking trip a few weekends before. They had still been a couple then. Turning the photo away from herself, she tried to forget about how beautiful Alex looked, how happy and relaxed they were with their arms wrapped tightly around each other. Finally, she could hold her tears in no longer and sobbed until she fell into a deep, restless sleep.


	10. Time Goes By

**Chapter 10: Time Goes By**

Four weeks had passed, and Alex hadn't seen hide nor hair of Olivia. Thankfully, she had the bureau to keep her mind occupied both at the office and at home, so it was becoming easier to divert her attention from thoughts of Olivia.

But it wouldn't be so easy that day. She was coming out of her office to give her secretary some arrest reports to copy when the dark-haired detective caught her eye. She was standing at ADA Jessica Rossi's door and pointing her finger at something in a manila folder. Alex froze on the spot.

"How many copies did you say you needed?" Cheryl asked impatiently.

Alex shook her head quickly and returned her attention to Cheryl. "Uh…just make 8 of each," she ordered distractedly.

Taking the reports from her, Cheryl rolled her eyes and walked off. Alex turned back to Olivia. _Stop staring, Cabot_, she told herself. But for some reason, she just couldn't take her eyes off her.

As Olivia was leaving, she caught Alex staring at her. Even from the distance she was at, Alex could see a flash of pain and anger cross her eyes. Alex's mouth fell open, but no words came out. Olivia tore her eyes away and continued walking.

Alex knew she had absolutely no influence over Olivia since the SVU detectives no longer worked for her, but she couldn't just let Olivia walk out like that. "Detective Benson!" she called. "May I see you for a moment?"

Olivia's facial expression immediately hardened. She stopped in her tracks and gritted her teeth at Alex's boldness. _How dare she try to use her position of authority to boss me around in her office?_ she thought. Groaning and letting out the breath she had been holding, she slowly turned to face, or rather, glare at Alex.

From her position at her door, Jessica carefully watched the interaction between Olivia and Alex. From the expression on Olivia's face and Alex's equally shocked and pained expression, she knew that there was tension between them for some reason. She wondered what Alex had done that was so offensive that her mere presence made Olivia uncomfortable. _I guess Alex just has an uncanny way of making enemies everywhere she goes_, Jessica thought._ Perhaps Alex antagonized her detectives at SVU and that's why Detective Benson dislikes her? _Alex's take-no-prisoners attitude and authoritarian demeanor rubbed several people the wrong way, so she wouldn't be surprised if she had often clashed with people at her former unit.

Alex glanced around uncomfortably to temporarily avoid Olivia's piercing stare. _Is she just going to stand there and stare me down?_ she wondered. _I don't want her making a scene. _She was already less than pleased with the rather amused expression on Jessica's face; she didn't want to draw more attention from nosey parkers. She returned her gaze to Olivia. "Detective Benson, would you please step into my office?" she rephrased.

Muttering something unintelligible under her breath, Olivia headed in the direction of Alex's office. Shutting the door behind her, she folded her arms and demanded coldly, "What do you want, Alex?"

Alex leaned back against the front of her desk and swallowed hard. She nervously entwined her fingers and placed her hands on her stomach. "I just wanted to see if you're ok."

Olivia let out a sardonic laugh. "Oh, like you give a damn, right?"

"Olivia, can we please just be civil with each other?" Alex begged. "We are professionals and it's inevitable that we will still see each other sometimes. We all work to put the same criminals away."

"It's too bad that didn't occur to you when you told me you wanted me out of your life!" Olivia snapped.

_We all say things we don't mean_, Alex thought dejectedly. "I'm sorry, Liv! Gosh, what more do you want me to say?"

"I want you to explain the logic of wanting someone in your office that you never wished to see again. I think that's the 8th wonder of the world."

Alex decided to let Olivia's biting sarcasm roll off her shoulders. "I never actually said I never wanted to see you again. You're the one who forbade me to ever contact you again."

"So what you mean is that _you _wanted to call all the shots and be in control!" Olivia barked, pointing a finger at her. "Typical!"

Alex frowned and folded her arms. "Olivia, we are both adults here. Let's be mature."

Olivia took a few steps toward her. "Don't you dare condescend to me like I'm some child or one of your little ADAs you're just breaking in, Alex!"

"Olivia, lower your voice!" Alex ordered, gesturing toward the door with one hand. Her own temper was starting to flare. "I know you have every right to be angry with me, but at least keep it out of work."

"You're the one who called me in here for a chit chat," Olivia retorted. "What did you expect?"

Alex took a deep breath. She couldn't let Olivia ruin her whole day. "It was a shock to see you, that's all. I've been concerned about you."

Olivia was pleased that Alex still thought about her, but she would never let her know it. She was determined to never show Alex any signs of her vulnerability again; that way she couldn't be hurt by her anymore. "I'm fine, Alex, although your concern is not needed. I just stopped by to drop off a case file to ADA Rossi and bring her up to speed on the particulars. As you know, Casey's workload is full and you already gave the ok for her to pass the case along to this bureau. But Casey had arraignments and couldn't deliver it, so she asked me to. Oh, and while I'm here, I just remembered that you still have some clothes of mine," she said a bit quieter. She took careful note of Alex's reaction when she said it.

Alex's face immediately fell. She hadn't expected Olivia to ask for her clothes back. _Did you really think you could keep her stuff forever, Alex?_ she berated herself. _But maybe this is for the best. It's time to let go. _"Um…I'll swing by your place tonight and drop them off," she said disappointedly, her eyes downcast. Mentally kicking herself, she realized that she couldn't just stop by without Olivia giving her the ok. "I mean…if that's ok with you," she quickly amended, hesitantly meeting her eyes.

Olivia studied Alex's forlorn expression for a few more seconds before responding. She wanted to say something snide, but she couldn't bear to inflict more pain upon Alex. Asking for her clothes had obviously been an unexpected blow to her gut. "Uh…sure. I'll call you when I get off."

Alex smiled weakly. "Ok. Well…I'll let you get back to the bullpen."

"Actually, I'm meeting Warner at the lab. But uh…yeah. See you tonight," Olivia responded. She didn't feel quite right saying the last line. It no longer had the same meaning attached to it. It was just another goodbye that she wasn't looking forward to saying.

Alex felt the same regrets. Nodding quickly, she answered simply, "Ok."

Olivia gave her a quick wave and walked out. Alex went over to her refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water. After taking some long gulps, she sat down at her desk and rubbed her forehead. Before seeing Olivia, she'd thought the hardest task she would have to deal with that day would be bringing the monthly bureau reports to the 8th floor and explaining the drop in drug-related and domestic violence indictments. Now she was actually looking forward to it. She picked up her stress ball and gave it a firm squeeze before turning to her computer.

In a few minutes, there was a loud knock at her door. "Come in!" she shouted without looking away from her monitor.

Cheryl came in and dropped the copies on her desk. "Do you need anything else while I'm here?" _I sure as hell hope not_, she thought.

Alex waved her off in slight annoyance. "No. Thank you."

"Mmm hmm," Cheryl murmured, walking out gratefully.

Alex continued compiling the reports and double checked the data she'd entered with that of the arrest reports. _God, I need a vacation_, she thought.

* * *

Meanwhile, Jessica walked to the break room to get a cup of water. ADA Christina Finn looked up from making her cup of tea and greeted her with a warm smile. "Hey Jess." 

"Hey Christina."

"What's up?" Christina asked.

"So it looks like Detective Benson wasn't too happy when she left Alex's office," Jessica began. She picked up a granola bar and tore open the wrapper.

Christina laughed. "Let me guess. You just happened to have a pressing matter that required you to stand at your door until you saw Alex's open."

Jessica laughed, too. "I just thought that would be too good to miss."

"Maybe you were reading too much into it. It may not have been a big deal at all."

"No, trust me. From the looks on their faces, it was."

Christina sighed. "So do you think Alex gave her the 3rd degree then?"

"I dunno. I think Alex's finally met her match with Detective Benson. She's tough. Even I wouldn't wanna get on her bad side. So it was probably the other way around."

Christina grinned and rolled her eyes. "You know…Alex's really not that bad."

Jessica gave her an annoyed look. "She can be kind of a bitch, Chris, and you know it."

"Well…she's our chief and she's been nice to me. You have to respect her. I just think the two of you have such strong personalities. You're both alpha females and that's not going to change, regardless of who is in charge. The problem is that you both think you're always right…and you can't always be right because she's the boss. And as hard as it is for you to believe, she's not out to get you. She just wants what's best for the bureau. Just give her a chance."

"Ok, ok. I'll _try_ to give her a chance," Jessica conceded, downing her water and starting to leave. She suddenly looked back over her shoulder and said, "But I'm not making any promises."

Christina just shook her head and followed her out.

* * *

"So you won't believe who I had a run-in with today," Olivia said to Elliot as they sat in the squad car across the street from the bodega. 

Elliot took a sip from his cup of coffee and kept watching the street for a glimpse of their rapist. "That's not a hard one. Alex."

"Yep," Olivia answered, taking a sip from her own cup.

"How'd it go?" Elliot wanted to know.

"Eh…it went," Olivia began. She recounted the details of their meeting for him.

Elliot nodded when she was done. "Well, that wasn't too bad. And it's not like she was just gonna stop caring about you, Liv. How do you think it'll go tonight?"

"Hopefully, she'll give me my clothes and be on her merry way," Olivia replied. She pointed her coffee cup in the direction of a scruffy-looking guy wearing a brown hoodie. "Hey, do you think that's our guy?"

Elliot shook his head. "Nah. Our guy's a little shorter. The vic said he was about 5'11". That guy looks like he's 6'1"."

"It was dark when he attacked her, so maybe she was off a little. But she did say he had a large mole outside his left eye," Olivia replied. She picked up her binoculars and looked through them. "I'm just waiting on this guy to turn his head so I can make sure…"

"Things might turn out better than you think tonight," Elliot interjected.

"Alex and I are done, Elliot," Olivia responded tersely. She put down her binoculars. "You're right. That's not our guy. No mole."

"You can keep pretending you're over her for as long as you want," Elliot said.

Olivia gave him an annoyed look. "Don't start, El."

"Hey…I just think you should never give up on love," Elliot said.

"Well, Alex made the bed we both have to lie in," Olivia retorted, looking out the window again. "If she doesn't give a shit about us, then I'm not going to either. All she cares about is politics. How pathetic would I look begging _her _to let me back in her life? Besides, aren't you the one who told me to start dating again?"

"Dating other people doesn't mean you give up on the love of your life," Elliot replied. "A hot date comes a dime a dozen, but you only get one special someone."

Olivia turned to look at him. "So is Kathy seeing anyone else? Is this really what it's all about? Your own hopes that she'll return to you?"

Elliot frowned. "No…she's not—at least not to my knowledge. And don't turn this around on me."

Olivia sighed. "I'm sorry, El…I know you're just trying to help. But seeing Alex again today reopened wounds that had just barely started to heal in the first place."

Elliot reached out and squeezed her shoulder. "I know. I just want you to be happy."

Olivia smirked. "The one thing that will make me happy right now is catching this bastard and getting home to take a long, hot bath."

Elliot smiled at her. "Ah, the simple things in life."

"Yep. From now on, that's the way I'm gonna try to keep my personal life—simple."

Elliot bit into his donut. "Good luck."

Olivia snorted. "Yeah. I'll definitely need it."

* * *

Olivia was in her kitchen when she heard a knock. "Coming!" she yelled, wiping her hands on a towel. When she got to the door, she took a deep breath to slow her racing heart. She then unlocked it and swung it open. 

Alex stood before her with a shopping bag. She didn't expect Olivia to invite her in, but she couldn't drive the hopes out of her mind anyway. "Um…here are your clothes," she said softly. She gave Olivia a good once-over. Even in her tank top and drawstring pants, she looked as gorgeous as ever.

Olivia reached out and took the bag from her, her fingers lightly brushing against Alex's and causing both women to flush warmly despite the tension between them. Olivia looked inside the bag; Alex had folded everything neatly inside tissue paper. She looked up to meet her eyes and said, "Thanks."

Alex held her gaze. "You're welcome."

A few seconds of silence passed that seemed like an eternity. They could almost hear the other breathing. Olivia finally looked away and focused her attention on the contents of the bag again. "Well, uh…I'm gonna turn in early tonight. It's been a long day."

Alex nodded. Her eye suddenly caught Olivia's necklace. Gulping, she turned to leave but on impulse, she turned back around and picked up the necklace. Olivia gasped sharply as Alex pressed her lips hard against the jewels. Several seconds later, she let go. Looking into Olivia's eyes one last time, she forced herself to take her leave.

Olivia was quite a bit taken aback by the action. She had planned to finally take the necklace off that night and put it up to never wear again, but after that tender gesture, she decided against it. Gently rubbing her fingers where Alex's lips had just been, she watched as Alex ran down the stairs. She shut the door and quickly crossed her living room to the window. Alex appeared on the sidewalk and hailed a cab. When it stopped in front of her, she turned around one last time and looked up at the window. Olivia's breath caught in her chest as their eyes found each other's once more. She thought about how similar it was to the gaze Alex had given her right before the marshals cut their last moments together short. Alex sadly turned back around to step inside the cab and Olivia watched her drive off into the night.

Olivia took the shopping bag into her bedroom and placed it on her dresser. She started to unfold her clothes and hang them in her closet when a piece of stationery suddenly fell out of her lavender button-down shirt. Bending down, she picked it up and took a seat on her bed. Unfolding it, she recognized Alex's fine handwriting right off the bat.

_Liv,_

_ I know things didn't end well between us. I take full responsibility for that. But one thing will always remain true, even if you no longer believe it. I love you with all my heart and I'll never stop. I do hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day. I still think about you everyday; I can't stop myself. I'm not going to add insult to injury by making further excuses for my actions. But I'll hate myself forever if I never completely tell you how I feel. _

_ I think back to the night I saw you before the marshals took me away. I'd learned from a young age to bury my emotions to keep them from rising to the surface, but with you I absolutely couldn't. My heart was breaking—I wanted so badly to be with you and it was destroying me that I couldn't. I wanted to kiss your tears away. Hell, part of me wanted to throw caution to the wind and refuse to leave—or at least take you with me. If the marshal hadn't said we were leaving, I would have been tempted to stand there forever in our own little cosmos. I wanted every muscle in my face, every tear in my eye, to convey just how deeply in love with you I was. _

_ And now I want every word in this letter to convey the same. Regardless of how I appear to everyone on the outside, inside I'm a mess. That's why I called you into my office today. As much as I wanted to just act like you weren't there, my heart wouldn't let me. There's a void inside me without you. Seeing you today and hearing your voice shaved a fraction of my pain away. If only I had as much courage as you do, we'd still be together._

_ I know I've caused you tremendous pain. You'll never know how sorry I am. But I want you to be happy. I hope you'll find someone who will love you and treat you like you deserve. You're the most beautiful soul I've ever met and God knows I'm not worthy of you. But no matter who comes into your life after me, all I ask is that you never forget me. A selfish part of me also wishes you'll always have a place for me in your heart—despite what I've done. I love you. Forever.  
_

_Yours,  
Alex_

Olivia found herself crying when she reached the end of the letter. With shaking hands, she put the letter down on the comforter so her tears wouldn't smear the ink. She grabbed some tissues to wipe her face but the tears quickly soaked through them. Her brain was awash with so many emotions at that moment—shock, despair, disappointment, happiness, love, comfort, humility. After what happened between them, she hadn't expected Alex to pour her heart out like that. Now half of her wanted to shake her for throwing away what they had and the other half wanted to take her into her arms and kiss her. Maybe Elliot was right; perhaps Alex would get her priorities straight and request to be back in her life, but Olivia still wanted to leave the ball in her court. And she didn't want to get her hopes up.

She carefully folded the letter and put it in the top drawer of her nightstand. She hung up the rest of her clothes and put the shopping bag on the closet floor. She thought about calling Elliot and telling him about the letter, but she wanted more time to process everything. Pulling back the covers, she climbed into bed and settled against her pillow. She stared at her bedside clock as Alex's words repeated in her mind like a mantra. It was all almost too good to be true. She didn't know the exact reason behind the letter. Did Alex write it because she hoped for a reconciliation at some point or because she needed closure before moving on? Olivia did know one thing, though—she had to protect her heart. She couldn't allow herself to be tangled up in Alex's web again. She decided that she needed to move on with her life and as for things with Alex, let the chips fall where they may. If they were meant to be together again, then fate would bring them back to each other. Letting out an exasperated sigh, she turned off the lamp and hoped that slumber would soon rescue her from her thoughts.

* * *

In her own apartment, Alex was lying in her bed staring at a picture of Olivia. _Did Olivia read the letter?_ she wondered. _How did she react? Did she laugh in scorn or did she cry? Did she rip it up? Does she believe me? And most importantly, does she forgive me? Or does she hate me? _She didn't know how much time had passed when a loud horn blowing in the distance startled her out of her thoughts. 

_You've got to get a grip, Alex_, she told herself. She put the frame down and decided to turn on the radio. She had only been listening a few minutes when Carrie Skipper's "Time Goes By" began playing. As the soft, melodic beats and Carrie's smooth, haunting vocals drifted over the airwaves, she picked the framed photo of Olivia up again. Each poignant stroke of the violin bow struck chords of despair and longing in her heart. As she listened to the lyrics, stinging tears poured from her eyes and fell onto the glass.

_Found your home somewhere  
Now you've reached the end  
The game seems so unkind  
When this moment ends  
You'll look back to see  
The love you left behind_

_The closer the feeling  
The more you recognize  
Familiar, the faces  
Reflected in your eyes  
I'm with you, I know you  
If only in my head  
I always remember  
(I always remember)_

_No more holding on  
To a fading memory  
Of how things used to be  
Life will carry on  
Love will always be your guide  
If you just set me free  
_

_The closer the feeling  
The more you recognize  
Familiar, the faces  
Reflected in your eyes  
I'm with you, I know you  
If only in my head  
I always remember  
You looked at me and said_

_Time goes by  
From the point of no return  
You've gotta be strong enough to learn  
Time goes by  
The love you leave behind  
Builds a temple in your mind_

As soon as the song ended, Alex quickly turned off the radio and returned the photo to the nightstand. It was like fate was laughing at her, taunting her from every turn. As if being shot and almost killed, forced twice into new identities in Witness Protection, and losing her mother and being forbidden to attend her funeral weren't enough, she now had the heartbreak of losing the love of her life again and the stress of trying to run an entire bureau to add to her long list of problems. She wanted—needed—an escape from the demons of her mind. Now all she had to do was find it.


	11. Coldblooded

**Chapter 11: Coldblooded**

"I'm thinking that I should start seeing men again. You know, to keep up appearances," Alex said cautiously. 

Serena rolled her eyes as she pulled her hair back into a ponytail. "You mean like when you went out on a date with Trevor Langan?"

"God, don't remind me," Alex groaned.

"And you really want to go through that again?"

"Maybe I'll go out with men who aren't as insufferable this time," Alex muttered in annoyance.

Serena leaned forward and clasped her hands on Alex's desk. "Why would you want to be a puppet for society's ideal of normalcy? When I first became an ADA, I chose to be with men because I thought it was safer. But I could never be happy—no matter how nice the guy was or how much we seemed to click because of similar interests. Sex became boring and I would always long for women. There came a time when I decided enough was enough. I didn't flaunt my sexuality and try to become the poster child for lesbians, but I didn't go out of my way anymore to hide it. I realize that it was a risk, but at least I didn't lose my soul for the sake of politics."

"You were brave, Serena. But is outing yourself really worth losing everything you've worked so hard at getting?"

"To me, it's worth it. And I asked Branch when he fired me if it was because I was a lesbian and he told me, 'No, of course not.'"

Alex gave her a look. "What did you expect him to say, Serena? 'Yes, that's exactly it,' so you could sue him? Come on…do you _really_ believe that being a lesbian had nothing to do with you getting fired? Anti-discrimination laws don't change people's personal beliefs. Olivia told me about a case she caught last year. If the DA's office was so open, why do you think Jeff York wasn't out? Why do you think that Andy Abbott was closeted, married, and having a secret affair with him? I don't think it's a coincidence that you were the only out ADA who was ever fired."

Serena sighed and shook her head. "There have been _straight_ ADAs who were fired, for that matter. Don't get me wrong. I do think that both Jack and Branch have shades of thinly veiled homophobia, but I don't think it had anything to do with me getting fired. I didn't like how Jack threatened to out a high school girl if she didn't take a guilty plea because she accidentally killed her girlfriend in fear of being outed. And another time Jack argued that privilege only applied to heterosexual relationships so he could put a murderer behind bars, asked for a declaratory judgment invalidating all gay marriages, and got his way. I told him I wasn't going to be much help to him up in Albany because I wasn't going to stand for him setting back gay rights 20 years. Branch didn't fire me then, even though he agreed with Jack. But you have to stand up for what you believe in, regardless of the consequences. As for those two men you mentioned, I remember hearing about that. They were closeted for the same reason you are—fear. The closet isn't about reality."

Alex's mouth dropped open. "Not about reality? Do you know how many people have been ostracized for being gay and have lost their jobs? Have lost their lives? Those cases you mentioned are living proof that people can manipulate the law to use sexual orientation against gays and lesbians!"

"Alex, you're not going to lose your job or your life. Regardless, I'm much happier now doing advocacy work with my firm than I ever was dealing with Jack and Branch. The only regret I have is ever trying to cover up who I was in the first place."

"Sexuality really is only a small part of who we are," Alex replied softly. She didn't really believe that, but if she was going to succeed in politics, she felt she was going to have to at least act like it was true.

Serena leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs. "I disagree, Alex. You would still be gay whether you had a political career or not. Besides, I know how you feel about Olivia. You live her, you breathe her. You've been sulking for the past month. If you start compromising one set of values, Alex, others will follow. First you're compromising your sexuality, but soon your integrity, your passion, and your advocacy will go as well. Do you wanna know what Branch told me when he fired me? He said, 'A prosecutor can be zealous, but not passionate. Advocacy is warm-blooded. Enforcement's gotta be cold-blooded…and blind and even-handed.' If you want to be cold-blooded, then that's your choice. But one day you'll wake up and regret it." 

Alex took off her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose. Serena was telling her things she had already spent quite some time contemplating. What Branch had told Serena was nothing unique; Alex had known as much before she became a prosecutor. She also already knew that she was going to have to make decisions as bureau chief directly opposite to ones she'd made while in a lower position at SVU. The only thing she had never contemplated was falling in love with a woman who would shake up some of her previous beliefs. "Serena, it just hurts so much to be without her. I need something to take my mind off things. I feel like I'm going crazy."

"So you're going to use sex to self-medicate?"

Alex rolled her eyes. "Serena, what are you? My psychiatrist?"

"Just a rational friend, Alex. It's not that uncommon."

Alex smirked. "Maybe you should've gone into medicine after all."

"Nah. My cousin's kid had pneumonia. I went and visited her at the children's hospital. That's the day that I crossed med school off my list."

"In all seriousness, though, I don't think it will be that bad," Alex said, trying to convince herself as much as Serena.

Serena got up and took her blazer off the rack. She then walked over to the door and turned back around. "Whatever you choose to do, just make sure you can sleep at night. I have to get home. I'll call you later." And with that, she exited Alex's office. 

* * *

"Thanks again for dinner," Alex said, transferring her purse to her other arm so she could unlock her apartment door.

Deputy Bureau Chief Jim Steele smiled. "You're welcome. It's too bad we spent most of the time talking about trial."

Alex chuckled. "Would you like to come in?"

Jim shrugged. "Sure." He walked through the foyer and looked around in astonishment. "Wow, Alexandra. Is this an apartment or a house?"

Alex took his coat and put it in the closet for him. "A little bit of both."

"You could rent out rooms," he muttered. "I bet you can't wait to leave the office and get back here."

Alex shook her head and grinned. "It does have a much pleasanter atmosphere, doesn't it?"

"I'd say so," he replied.

They took a seat on the sofa in the living room. "Would you like anything to drink?" Alex asked.

"Water's fine," Jim responded.

Alex went into the kitchen and returned with a bottle of San Pellegrino and a small glass. He nodded his thanks and poured his water. Alex sat down beside him again and said, "Jim, I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciate how much time and effort you've put into the Zaharenko case."

"No problem. I want to win this just as much as you do," he replied, taking a sip.

Alex nodded. "I know."

"Do you think Rebecca will be able to get through cross?"

"I sure hope so. You prepped the hell out of her, but who knows? I can tell you from personal experience—Kressler is one slimy bastard."

Jim chuckled. "Most defense attorneys are."

"I can't tell you how many times I wanted to knock his teeth down his throat," Alex stated with a roll of her eyes.

"Now that…that would be a sight to see," Jim replied with an amused grin.

After a few more minutes of discussing trial strategy, Jim put his arm on the back of the sofa around Alex. "Alexandra…you know you are absolutely beautiful."

Alex smiled and took off her glasses. "I'm flattered."

Jim gave her a curious look. "Just…flattered?"

"Well, not just flattered," Alex said, giving him a cunning smile.

Jim gave a short laugh. "I'm not really sure what you—"

Alex closed her eyes and boldly leaned in to kiss his lips before he could finish his sentence. "Did that better articulate my point?" she asked.

Jim was a bit stunned but nonetheless pleased. "I think you made your point very well. Now let me make mine," he said, putting his hand on her neck and bringing her in for another kiss.

Alex tried to get lost in the kiss, but images of Olivia kept flashing through her mind. The more she thought about her, the harder she kissed Jim in efforts to squash her guilt. She wasn't particularly enjoying the kiss. She missed the fullness and softness of Olivia's lips, the way she tasted, the way she seemed to make love to her just by a kiss, but for now, Jim would do. She was doing it because she felt it was just something that came with the territory of sex, not for the sheer joy of kissing. To her, it was just another method that allowed her an escape. But she would never get that escape if all that flooded her brain was a hurting Olivia. _This isn't about Olivia. This is about you, _she told herself.

"God, you don't know how long I've wanted to do this," Jim whispered, tangling a hand in her hair.

"Mmm hmm," Alex murmured, running a hand through his hair as he settled on top of her. She took a quick breath of air before he started to kiss her again. Her lips were starting to hurt from the repeated pressure, but she felt she should continue. She shifted herself awkwardly under him so her back wouldn't start to ache. Once again, her mind drifted back to how kissing Olivia felt as natural as breathing, how well their bodies fit together, the ease of which they gave themselves to each other. She knew the position of every fine line of Olivia's lips by heart and longed for the way they would fuse with her own when they kissed.

Jim moved down a little to kiss her neck and unbutton her shirt. As his lips grazed her cleavage, she cursed her body for failing to respond like it did when Olivia's smooth, warm lips were on her skin. As he trailed his fingers across her breasts and down her stomach, she thought about how rough his touch seemed in comparison to Olivia's tender one. Olivia's words to her in February echoed in her mind: _It's hard to be someone that you're not_.Before she knew it, she had let out a slight grunt of frustration. _You're psyching yourself out_, she scolded herself. Her mind was getting in the way of what was supposed to be pleasure. In all actuality, he was better than some other men she'd been with, but incessantly comparing him to Olivia was clouding her perception. She told herself that in order to enjoy it, she was just going to have to detach and force her mind to go along with her body. She'd done it before with every other man she'd been with, so Jim would be no different.

Jim noticed that she was distracted. Pulling back, he asked, "Did I do something wrong, Alexandra?"

Alex shook her head quickly. "No, no. You didn't. It's just—"

"Just what?" he questioned, brushing some hair back from her face. "Am I going too fast?"

Alex gave a short laugh and gently pushed him off her so she could sit up. "No, not at all. Listen, Jim…uh, I feel I should be upfront with you. I'm not looking for anything serious."

Jim smiled and reached out to rub her arm. "That's ok. We can just take things slow and see where this goes."

Alex gave him an awkward smile and turned away. _How do I break this gently? _she wondered. She turned to face him again and put her hand on his knee. "No…what I mean is that I want this to be completely casual. No commitments, no rules—just good old-fashioned fun."

_So she means just sex,_ Jim thought. "So 'friends with benefits'?"

Alex straightened out her skirt. "Something like that, yeah. But hey, if that's not what you're looking for—"

"No…it's ok. I understand." He slid his hand under her skirt and caressed her thigh reassuringly, as if to convince himself as much as Alex that he would be completely fine with just sex from her. "And whatever you want, I'm fine with that."

Alex put a hand on his chest to stop him. "Are you sure?"

Jim nodded. "Yeah…I'm totally cool with the no-strings-attached thing, but I was wondering something. Did you just get out of a relationship?"

Alex let her hand drop to her lap. She looked down briefly before responding. "No," she lied. "But I'm still trying to readjust to life after the program and there's just so much going on with the bureau—"

"So a relationship is too stressful right now?" Jim interrupted.

She nodded. "Precisely."

"That's understandable. You've gone through some pretty horrific stuff in the past couple years. If I was in your shoes, I probably wouldn't be looking for a relationship either," he sympathized. "I bet you actually look forward to the workload." 

Alex sighed. "I'll be honest. The bureau helps me cope, stay focused. It takes my mind off a lot of stuff that would normally bother me. But it's both a blessing and a curse. Things are always so hectic with all the cases. And there's so much pressure to get convictions. Sometimes I think the 8th floor is going to drive me insane."

"Well, Mike and I will do whatever we can to keep things running smoothly," Jim assured her.

"I know. I really appreciate all your hard work, even if I don't always act like it," Alex replied.

Jim grinned and started to stroke her side. "Well, you know…work is not the only area of life I work hard in. I happen to know some pretty effective ways to relieve stress."

Alex smiled and watched the movement of his hand. "Do you now?" She looked back into his eyes and continued in a sultry voice, "How about you show me?"

"Gladly," Jim said, closing the distance between them. 

"Mmm," Alex moaned, closing her eyes again. She started to undo his tie and unbutton his shirt as he captured her lips.

As soon as things started to get more heated, Jim pulled back again and suggested, "How about we take things to a more appropriate setting?"

Alex nodded and stood up. "I agree."

"Lead the way," Jim ordered. "Or else I'll probably get lost."

Smiling, Alex took his hand and led him up to her bedroom. _Fake it 'til you make it,_ she thought.

After Jim left an hour later, Alex pulled the covers up over her. It wasn't cold in her apartment, but she felt unusually cold nonetheless. She had turned the picture of Olivia around before she and Jim started to have sex, but now that he was gone, she turned it to face her again. She was met with Olivia's bright, smiling face and laughing eyes. The very flood of guilt that she had tried to purge came rushing back with a vengeance. The expanse of the void inside her felt as deep as ever. She felt so ashamed…so _dirty_. She instinctively picked up the picture to bring it to her heart but stopped before it made contact with her skin. It was as if she didn't want Olivia to touch or see her in such a state. She felt as if she had betrayed Olivia by allowing her body to feel pleasure from someone else. She quickly set the picture back on her nightstand and threw her legs over the edge of the bed. She needed to shower to wash the remnants of Jim off her. 

She went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. After she was done, she turned the handles of the shower so that the water was burning hot. She scrubbed and scrubbed until she felt she was thoroughly clean again. Forty minutes later, she stepped out of the shower. She looked in the mirror and noticed that her skin was red and blotchy. Her ocean blue eyes blankly stared back at her, reflecting the bottomless pools of despair from the depths of her soul. Not being able to stand it any longer, she quickly grabbed a towel and wrapped it around herself.

Returning to her bedroom, she picked out a satin nightgown and slipped into it. After comfortably getting under the covers again, she brought the picture of Olivia to her chest. She knew that if she wanted to move on, it would be best to remove all reminders of Olivia, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. It hurt so much to not be able to hear her voice or see her in person anytime she wanted, so the material reminders were pleasant substitutes. She reached into the top drawer of her nightstand and pulled out her necklace that matched Olivia's and put it around her neck. Ever since the last time she'd seen Olivia, she had worn it at night and taken it off after she finished her morning jog before going into work. When she ran alone, she felt protected by the necklace, as if Olivia was there to watch her and keep her safe. Now that she was alone again, she felt the same. 

She wondered how Olivia was. She knew that the anniversary of her mother's death was the next day. She didn't exactly know where she and Olivia stood because they hadn't spoken since the week before, but she remembered how painful it was when her own mother died. When she'd woken up crying in the past months because of the grief, Olivia had been there to hold and console her. So now she wanted to reciprocate in some way to alleviate some of Olivia's pain—both from her mother's death and a broken heart.

She turned to look out the window. The rain was still pouring down as hard as it had been earlier. Sighing, she picked up the remote and turned on the TV. She flipped through the channels for a few minutes before deciding that there was nothing on she wanted to watch. Taking one last look at Olivia's face, she clutched the picture to her chest again, closed her eyes, and tried to let the sounds of the rushing water lull her to sleep. 

* * *

After leaving the courthouse the next day, Alex stopped and purchased a single, long-stemmed light pink rose from a florist shop. She then took a cab to Olivia's apartment building. After following a tenant in, she walked upstairs to Olivia's floor and rapped loudly on her door. When no one came to the door after a couple minutes, she pressed her ear against it to see if she could hear any noise. After knocking again and then waiting another minute, she decided that Olivia must still be at the precinct. As much as she had hoped to see her and express her condolences in person, she thought it would be out of place to give her a rose in front of everyone else. Opening up her briefcase, she pulled out a piece of paper. Pressing the paper up against the door, she bit her lip as she tried to think of a message. Once she had written it, she folded the note, wrapped it around the stem, and left the rose at her door.

When Olivia got home a few hours later, she was surprised to see the rose. Bending down, she picked it up and unfolded the note. 

_Lao-Tzu said, "The softest things in the world overcome the hardest things in the world." So here is a little something soft to get you through this day. You're in my thoughts._

_Yours,  
Alex. _

A smile spread across Olivia's lips in spite of herself. While she and her mother sometimes had a rocky relationship because of Serena's drinking and pleas for her to leave SVU, it still didn't make September 7 any less painful for her. She was surprised that Alex would still remember her mother's death and wish to offer condolences after five years. Alex had only been at SVU a short time when she died. It was a simple yet heartfelt gesture that meant more to her than the condolences she'd received when her mother actually died. It showed sympathy without being saccharine. After deeply inhaling the rose's sweet scent, she brought the soft, silken petals to her lips. The texture of the delicate petals reminded her of Alex's full lips. She closed her eyes to savor the moment.

Mrs. Cavalini came out of her apartment. She saw Olivia holding the rose and asked, "A gift from your special someone?"

Startled, Olivia pulled the rose away from her lips and turned around. "Uh, no. Just an old colleague."

Mrs. Cavalini shifted her maltese in her arms and patted Olivia's shoulder. "Well, whoever it is really must care about you a great deal."

Olivia smiled. "Yeah," she answered softly, reaching out to pet the dog.

Mrs. Cavalini gave a quick wave and continued on her way to the elevator. Olivia took one more sniff of the rose before going into her apartment. She took a slim vase, filled it with water, and placed the stem of the rose in it. _This will look perfect in the bedroom_, she thought. 

She went into her bedroom and set the vase beside the picture of herself and Alex on her nightstand. She debated whether she should call Alex and thank her. Of course, she could always relay her thanks through Alex's personal assistant or secretary, but what was the harm of letting Alex know her appreciation directly? That was a tricky one. Alex had obviously come by earlier hoping to see her, but did she want to see Alex? If she called her would she want to come over? She desperately wanted to protect her heart, and the last thing she needed was for them to end up sleeping together. _Whoa, take it easy, _she scolded herself. _Just because she wanted to express condolences in person doesn't mean she wanted to fuck your pain away._

After a few more minutes of debating with herself, she took a deep breath and picked up the phone. 

A goofy grin spread across Alex's face as soon as she saw Olivia's name on the caller ID. She picked up on the second ring and tried to say as smoothly as possible, "Hello?"

"Hi," Olivia said softly.

"Hey, Liv," Alex said warmly.

Olivia could hear the smile in her voice. "Thanks for the rose. It's beautiful."

"You're very welcome," Alex replied.

There was a brief pause on the line as they both waited anxiously for the other to say something. Alex spoke up again first. "So…how are you holding up?" she asked.

"I'm ok," Olivia answered. "How have you been?"

_It's been hell_, Alex thought. "The same."

Something about the drop in intonation of Alex's voice told Olivia that she hadn't been ok at all. "Is everything ok at the bureau?"

"Yeah. Things are good," Alex responded. All of a sudden she got a beep on her line. It was Jim. She decided to ignore it.

Olivia could hear the line click. "Are you gonna answer that?"

"No. It's not important," Alex said quickly. "So what's the rest of the night look like?"

_Uh oh_, Olivia thought. "Uh…I'm just gonna order some Chinese and maybe watch a movie."

"Sounds yummy," Alex responded. She'd love nothing more than to share some boxes of Chinese with Olivia and to cuddle up to enjoy a good movie. Her heart wanted so badly to ask if she could come over, but she didn't know if Olivia would want it and she didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

"What are your plans?" Olivia asked her.

"Just trial stuff. Then I'll probably heat up a TV dinner and curl up on the sofa to watch CNN."

"No gourmet meals tonight?" Olivia teased.

Alex chuckled softly. "Not tonight." _Then again, if I had someone I wanted to cook for…_

"Well, I just wanted to call to let you know how much I appreciated what you did. I don't want to keep you."

_You're not keeping me! _Alex wanted to interrupt. She hated that their phone call was about to end. "It was no problem. I was glad to do it."

_And I was glad you did it_, Olivia thought. "Have a good night."

"You, too," Alex said. "I lo—I mean, bye."

Olivia couldn't help but smile at Alex's slipup. "Bye," she said, hanging up.

Alex hung up the phone and blushed furiously. _I can't believe I just did that. What if I freaked her out? I don't want her to think I'm playing with her emotions. _Writing the letter the week before was one thing, but she didn't want to keep voicing her feelings like they were still dating. She felt it would just cause deeper wounds for Olivia and she'd hate that.

After she got over her embarrassment, she smiled widely. It was the first time in weeks that they'd had a pleasant, lighthearted conversation. A warm rush swept through her torso. She went up to her bedroom and picked up the dorje off her dresser. She weighed it in her hand. She still wasn't pleased with her decision to break things off with Olivia or to start sleeping with Jim, but she was grateful that she still had the one part of her that was real and indestructible, even if she kept it to herself.

After several minutes of basking in their phone conversation, a sour taste suddenly hit the back of her throat. A voice in the back of her head told her, _Come on, Alex. Just because she called to thank you for the sentiment doesn't mean she's forgiven you. What if she just felt obligated? Or vulnerable because of her mother's death? That's no reason to get all warm and fuzzy and start planning out dinners and movies with her!_ _Besides, you're still the one who told her it was too risky to be together and too hard to be friends. She may not speak to you again unless she has to._

She put the dorje down and walked over to the doors that led out to the terrace. As she looked out through the glass, she fought back tears as the sorrow returned. She felt foolish for getting so excited just over hearing Olivia's voice. If her words and actions seemed contradictory to herself, then she knew how much they would seem that way to Olivia. Then again, as Lao-Tzu had said, _The words of truth are always paradoxical_.She brought both hands to her hair and pulled it in frustration. Would she ever be truly happy again? 

* * *

Night after night over the next few weeks, Alex and Jim emptied all their frustrations into the other. Like an analgesic, he temporarily soothed, or more appropriately, masked her pain. The loneliness she felt without Olivia was overwhelming, so it was nice to have a warm body next to hers. Instead of comfort food, she had comfort sex. But after the effects of the sex wore off, she was left as vulnerable and empty as she had been before. It was a continuing cycle. She knew deep down that sex wouldn't make the pain go away forever because the tangible could not fill the intangible, but she decided that temporary relief was better than none at all. 

With men, it had always been about the physical stimulation—the carnal, primal drive to achieve sexual gratification. But with women, it was so much more. The times in her life that she had engaged in sex with women were the most fulfilling sexual experiences she ever had. Women tapped into her most erogenous zones. They knew where to touch, how to touch, and most importantly of all, how _not _to touch. 

With Olivia, the sex had been beyond incredible. There was a physical, emotional, and spiritual level that had never been reached with any other human being. There was also an artistic element to their lovemaking. The way Olivia marveled at her body was the way a painter looks at a blank canvas before delicately delivering the first stroke of the brush. Just the thought of Olivia kissing and caressing her was enough to make her become aroused. Even when Jim caressed her, whispered in her ear, and held her tightly, she never felt the level of arousal she did when she was with her. With Olivia, she loved doing everything she could to please her—she actually _craved_ it—but with him, she was more interested in being the recipient of the pleasure than the giver.

She needed to exorcise the demons inside her and her passion for wanting to do so drove the spark between Jim and herself for awhile. Because of the void inside her, she liked the feeling of actually being filled with something solid, thus everything revolved around physicality. She felt pleasure but not ecstasy, passion but not romance, closeness but not intimacy, connection but not chemistry. What really would end her pain—being with Olivia—was not an option, so she had to go for the things she deemed second best, which were pleasing her body, being successful in her career, and protecting her social image. All of those added up to be a greater quantity than only having Olivia, but the added quality didn't even come close. _Ah well, I'll live_, she decided. _I have to._ But she wasn't really living. She was merely existing.

Jim had noticed that Alex's mind often seemed preoccupied. He didn't know if she was just lost in the moment or if her mind really was elsewhere. He certainly hoped it was the former. After the first night, he was usually the one to initiate their kisses and she was the first to pull away. It was more of the sexual body contact she craved. She just seemed to want to get his clothes off and get right down to business. 

While they had been friends for years, he had the sense that there was much about Alex that she kept private. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but something was up. When they had sex, she would be physically naked with him, but not mentally or emotionally. She never bared her soul or told him everything that seemed to be troubling her. She would tell him as much as she thought he needed to know about a situation in her life and no more. He thought that maybe he could convince her to let her guard completely down over time. 

Sometimes she was a pain in his ass at work and they would end up arguing over how to run cases, but that tension made for some good sex later on. And despite her despotic temperament, he felt himself falling for her and would have liked nothing more than to have a relationship with her and do everything he could to make her feel special. He would wait for her every morning before they entered the courthouse; just seeing her brightened his day. Overall, she seemed to enjoy his attention and his company. But whenever he brought up being more, even in jest, she would just rebuff him and remind him of their arrangement. Even though he knew differently, he couldn't help but imagine in his head that she was his, that they really were more. 

* * *

"How are you and Jim getting along?" Serena asked, sitting down on the loveseat.

Alex sighed and paced back and forth across her den. "Serena, we get along great when he's not driving me up the fucking wall. It's my bureau, I call the shots, and he plays by my book, not the other way around. Sometimes I think he forgets that I'm the chief."

Serena smiled. "You never did like it when anyone challenged you. So how does he feel about your…arrangement?"

Alex laughed and rolled her eyes as she poured two glasses of scotch. "Gosh, Serena. I feel like I'm on the witness stand." She sat down beside Serena and gave her a glass. "Ok, I like Jim's company. We have a good rapport. I trust and feel comfortable around him. And I care about him, just not romantically. I don't want to date him and I don't get a tingly feeling when I'm around him or feel that certain _pull_ towards him. The problem is that he's started to feel something romantically for me. He's asking for more—and I can't give it to him."

"Have you told him?"

"Yeah, I have. But it's like he just keeps hoping I'll change my mind. I mean…it's not like he constantly brings it up. But he doesn't have to. It's all in the way he looks at me."

"Sounds like you've got him whipped, Alex," Serena said with a grin.

Alex laughed and swirled her ice cubes around in the glass. "Well, it certainly wasn't intentional but I do like the flattery. How are things in your love life?"

"Nonexistent right now. You know I was dating Abbie, but things just didn't work out."

Alex smiled sympathetically and put a hand on Serena's knee. "I'm sorry. How's she doing at the U.S. Attorney's Office?"

"Really well," Serena responded, sighing deeply. "As for my love life, better luck next time, though, right?" she asked, trying to put on a brave face.

Alex gave her knee a supportive squeeze. "You'll find someone else."

Serena forced a smile. "I know. So what are you gonna do about Jim?"

Alex sighed. "I dunno. He assured me that he would be fine with just sex. I feel guilty sometimes because of my sexuality, but the sad thing is that even if I were straight, I don't see myself having romantic feelings for him. There are times when he treats women completely different in his professional and personal life. At the office he can be so arrogant. He constantly berates Christina, one of my ADAs, and she's a total sweetheart. He acts like he's this big, tough, no-nonsense guy who will stop at nothing to get a conviction, but he's such a pushover with women he's interested in dating. Don't get me wrong, I like that sensitive side about him, but it's too much sometimes. It's almost like he's on a leash. I'd always feel like I was the guy in the relationship and that's just not attractive."

Laughing, Serena replied, "Your personality is pretty powerful. I think Olivia is the only one who can handle you."

Alex let out a throaty laugh. "Am I that bad?"

"I plead the fifth," Serena said with a sly grin. "But you have been known to emasculate men."

"When men are rejected by women they are pursuing or encounter women stronger than they are, it's a blow to their ego as much as it is a turn-on. And Liv's done her fair share of rejecting men. In fact, she slept with a guy just like Jim before I came to SVU—Detective Brian Cassidy. She said he'd play the whole macho cop routine at work, but when they slept together, he was the one who wanted to be more when she'd just wanted sex. He still hadn't let it go months later and was bitter about it right up until the day he left SVU. Contrary to popular belief, I don't want to date someone I can walk all over, especially not a guy. Aside from the sex, I've always thought of Jim as more of a friend than a lover anyway."

Serena nodded and took a sip of her drink. "That's the problem with 'friends with benefits.' You can almost count on one person starting to feel something more and it ruins everything."

Alex sighed. "Liv and I mesh so well. We both have masculine and feminine parts to our personalities that don't overpower the other's. And we both understand women because we _are_ women."

"Admit it. At SVU, you got off on seeing Olivia knock around men everyday," Serena teased.

A dreamy look crossed Alex's face. "There's nothing sexier than a woman with authority who also has a nurturing side. Her special way with victims warms my heart. I learned so much from her. She's selfless, but she's not a pushover. She's the classic heroine. How many women do you know who have been punched in the face by violent perps without blinking an eye and then can turn around and convince a rape victim to testify?"

"Careful, Cabot. You're drooling."

Alex grinned. "Is it that obvious?"

"Yep. Did you kiss it and make it better?"

"If we hadn't been in public, I would have."

Serena gave her a serious look. "Olivia's not going to be happy if she finds out about Jim."

Alex rolled her eyes. "If it's up to me, she won't."

"Maybe you should call things off before Jim falls too hard."

"Hopefully he won't. Sometimes I get angry because he shouldn't have agreed to just sex if he couldn't handle it. He knew exactly what he was getting himself into. Then I remember that we're also friends and coworkers and I start to feel kinda bad."

"You know you can't keep using Jim as a crutch for everything you've been through in the past couple years, Alex."

Alex sighed. "Until he tells me he can't be with me anymore…"

"Alex…"

Alex started to get annoyed. "Serena, he has free will. It's not like it's unbearable for him. Besides, we're not even dating. I'm not obligated to have feelings for him, and he knows it."

Serena set her scotch down on the glass coffee table. "You're being selfish."

"Well, so is he. He's just as much to blame as I am. I'm not some cold person who preyed upon him. I'm not forcing him to continue and I didn't force him to start. In fact, I told him the first night that I'd understand if he couldn't do it, so I'm not keeping him in this under false pretenses."

"Now who's sounding like a lawyer?" Serena asked with a coy smile. "And a defense attorney to boot."

"Well, it's a Catch 22 situation. If I tell him we should stop, he's going to be hurt and demand to know why I called things off if it was just supposed to be sex anyway. If I keep sleeping with him, he's going to be hurt because I don't want more. Everyone knows that the whole 'friends with benefits' thing doesn't last forever. You're just having fun until a better opportunity comes along or you're ready for a commitment. So what am I supposed to do?"

Serena shrugged. "Whatever weighs less on your conscience."

Alex swallowed hard. "Without Olivia, I just feel so…_lost_. I just want someone to numb the pain. Right now, sleeping with Jim seems the best way. It's not illegal, it's not addictive, it doesn't harm my body, and it doesn't prevent me from executing my duties at the bureau. And I've known him for almost seven years. I like that he's convenient, familiar, and safe."

"Alex, Jim is not the first guy you've done this with. Remember the claims adjuster? Alan Messinger? Guys in law school? College? And this was before you even met Olivia. The feeling you have is only more apparent now because you've actually met the one you can't let go of. So while you may be lost now, you were just as lost then. Trust me, I know. I've walked in your shoes. I felt suffocated in the closet. You will never shake that empty feeling until you stop fighting who you are and come out."

"By your own admission, Serena, you know that sexual orientation doesn't always match sexual behavior. When I sleep with men, it's only my body and I wouldn't do it if I felt I had any other choice. If someone had told you several years ago what you're telling me now, would you have just come out the next day? No. It's easier said than done. Maybe one day I will reach the point you are. But it will have to happen at my own pace."

"Life doesn't wait for you, Alex. You either grab it by the reins and go along for the ride, or it bucks you off onto the ground."

Alex sighed and took a long drink. "I haven't heard from Liv since the night I left her the rose. I want to eliminate this tension between us once and for all. But I don't want to cross the line and push her farther away."

Serena crossed her leg under her. "So let me get this straight. You told her you couldn't be in her life and now you want to retract that statement?"

"I wanted to retract it as soon as I said it," Alex confessed quietly. "I have to face it. She's never gonna forgive me."

Serena saw Alex tearing up and pulled her into her arms. "Yes, she will. It just takes time."

Alex sniffled and frustratingly wiped the tears from her eyes. "She's going to fall in love with another woman and forget I ever existed."

Serena laughed. "Alex, that's ridiculous. Just because she's not speaking to you doesn't mean the feelings aren't still there."

Alex leaned back and crossed her legs. "There's just so much I miss about her, you know. Her smell, her touch, her laugh…the way she looks at me. I just wanna be near her, if only for a few minutes."

"Well, your paths are bound to cross again. The next time you see her, you could maybe ask her out for coffee." 

"I just don't wanna seem like a hypocrite. If I told her it was too hard to be friends, then what's she gonna think of an invitation for coffee?"

"Well, the good thing about it all is that she wanted to be friends even after you broke up. If you had suggested friendship and she'd refused, then things would be different. So if you tell her you made a mistake and would like to try to be friends again, maybe she'll be up for it."

"But what if she refuses now?"

"I could run damage control," Serena said with a smile.

"And what if that doesn't work?"

"Then let fate run its course."

_I sure hope fate gets a head start soon, _Alex thought gloomily.


	12. Tourniquet

**Chapter 12: Tourniquet**

_September 29, 2005_

_Alex turned her head to see a gun pointed out of a black SUV. She was frozen in place. A blinding light pierced her eyes as the bullet crashed into her shoulder and forced her to the concrete. _

"_Get down!" Alex heard Elliot yell. But it was already too late._

_She felt as if something had exploded inside her shoulder. The acrid scent of gunpowder met her nose as the burning pain consumed her body like wildfire. She tried to force her lungs to breathe, but every breath felt like a knife grinding into her lungs. Her warm blood burst forth, rushing over her shoulder and out her back into a red reservoir on the concrete. _

_Everything was in a haze. She felt something squeezing her shoulder. Somewhere in the back of her mind she realized it was Olivia's hands. She tried to focus on her face, but her vision was becoming spotty. A tingling sensation surged throughout her body until she was numb all over. Her body felt like lead; she had to will her head to move, and it took the last bit of strength inside her to force her head to turn to Olivia ever so slightly. She tried to form words to let her know that she could hear her, but none would come out. She was cold, so cold. As Olivia desperately called out her name, she felt herself fading into black. _

Alex screamed and bolted upright in bed. She was drenched in a cold sweat and shivering uncontrollably. She looked at her bedside clock. _4:05 a.m. _Bringing a hand to her chest, she sucked in several sharp gasps of air but still felt like her lungs were collapsing on her. She could hear her heart pounding in her ears. Swallowing hard, she tried to get the lump out of her throat.

_It's ok. It was just a nightmare, _she consoled herself. Getting out of bed, she rushed into her bathroom and threw open the medicine cabinet doors. She picked up the bottle of Xanax, threw a couple down her throat, and washed them down with a cup of water. She gripped the marble countertop until her knuckles were white as she prayed for the medication to hurry up and take effect. After stripping off her soaked nightgown and panties, she toweled herself off and threw the soiled linen into the hamper.

_Pull yourself together, Alex_, she scolded herself. _You have to go into work in a few hours._

She slowly walked back to her room and changed into a fresh nightgown. Getting in bed and pulling the covers up over her knees, she hugged a pillow tightly to steady her shivers. She knew that it was the two-year anniversary of her shooting, the day her whole world fell apart and everything that meant anything was taken from her. For a few short moments, she sat there in dead silence before bursting into tears. What she wouldn't give to be able to rewind the clock, to take back those two years of her life. What she wouldn't give to be able to see her mother again. She recalled all the times she'd sat in her bedroom in Wisconsin, how it had taken every ounce of self-control she could muster to put the phone down and force herself not to go through with her plans to contact her. Now she wished that she had, caution be damned.

She thought back to the shock she'd felt. When she'd woken up in the hospital and the marshals had told her she was dead officially and that the only way she could remain alive was in Witness Protection, she really was too overwhelmed by everything that had happened to process all the details. Her whole body ached and it all seemed like a horrible nightmare that she just wanted to put behind her. The sadness, anger, fear, and loneliness hit her a little while later after she'd been allowed to see her mother, brother, and sister. She knew her mother hadn't wanted to go along with the U.S. marshals' plans to put her daughter in the program, but they had convinced her that it was the safest thing for everyone involved. Unfortunately, she knew all too well how vengeful the Colombian drug cartels were. If Velez and his cartel had believed they'd gotten their pound of flesh from her murder, they wouldn't go after her mother like they'd originally planned or anyone else close to her.

But seeing her immediate family wasn't enough. While she hoped that she would be allowed to return one day, if there was a chance she'd never return or see those she loved again, she knew she couldn't leave without letting the love of her life know she was alive. There were many other people she cared about—friends, other relatives, colleagues—but the only one she felt she absolutely _needed_ to see was Olivia. Even though she knew it was against federal protocol and it was essentially putting her life and her family's lives at risk again, she pleaded with the marshals to let her tell Olivia and Elliot goodbye. She was stubbornly willing to see Olivia at any cost because she felt as if she would have died if she couldn't. Gratefully, she got her one last wish. Elliot was there as a safety measure more than anything else. She was almost annoyed when he had spoken and broken her concentration on Olivia. But she hadn't wanted Olivia coming alone in case Velez's people were watching her, too. If something went down before or after their meeting, she trusted Elliot to protect her.

After she'd reached her destination, there was so much she had to learn, so many precautions she had to take. She had to stay in a hotel the first few days until the house she would be staying in was completely ready for her to inhabit. During that time, the marshals coached her extensively. She'd been given a completely new identity—a new social security number, name, and background. She had to get used to hearing people call her "Emily." She had to memorize every detail of her manufactured past in Tulsa. She wasn't just role playing, but she actually had to _be_ this new person full time. She was very careful not to slip up. She even had to change her habits to make sure that there would be no small chance of someone mistaking her for Alex Cabot. That meant no more jogging in the mornings, which had been something she'd relied on to clear her mind and release stress. She had to get a new job, make new friends, and learn a completely different way of life. It was hard at first, but she adapted. She kept herself busy so she didn't think about all she'd left behind. But at the end of the day, everything she tried to suppress came creeping back. It was pure agony, but she managed to find ways and people to get around it.

The second identity hadn't been so bad because she was only there for a few months, and after seeing Olivia again and testifying in the Connors trial, she had newfound hope that she'd return; it was just a matter of time. Now she was grateful to be back. The one regret she had was not having Olivia in her life. She thought back to the recent choices she'd made. Even though she was terrified of being outed, perhaps she could resort to discretion again. She didn't know if Olivia would be willing, but she'd never know if she didn't try. What she did know was that she wanted and needed her in her life. But she wanted to take things one step at a time. She wouldn't mind giving friendship a shot again. No matter what it led to this time, it was better than the tension and awkwardness that existed between them now. It was also better than completely being without her, contrary to what she'd first assumed.

A small smile spread to her face. She decided that she would call Olivia sometime during the day and see if she would take her up on her invitation for coffee or lunch.

But she didn't have to do that. Olivia showed up at the bureau a little after 11 and headed straight for room 750, which was Alex's office. She knew exactly what day it was, too, and she'd decided that she would stop by to make sure Alex was ok. Alex had done an extremely kind gesture by remembering her mother's death, so she wanted to return the favor on a day that had almost claimed Alex's life two years prior.

Watching Alex typing vigorously on her computer, she knocked softly at her door. "Got a minute?"

Alex's entire face lit up. Smiling warmly at Olivia, she motioned for her to come in. "Well, for you, I've got much more than a minute." She stood up and went around her desk to greet Olivia.

Olivia closed the door and accepted Alex's warm embrace. She rubbed her back and deeply inhaled the sweet vanilla scent of her hair. _How I've missed this_, Olivia thought. The familiar butterflies danced in her stomach and her heart sped up.

They stepped back and regarded each other for a few seconds. "How are you?" Alex asked, finally breaking the silence.

Olivia smiled. "I'm ok. But what really matters here is how _you_ are."

Alex was comforted by Olivia's concern. "I'm getting through the day."

Olivia sensed that something was wrong. "Did you have a nightmare?"

Alex opened her mouth to answer but before she could, there was a knock at her door. She smiled apologetically at Olivia and opened it. It was Jim. _Oh, what great timing you have_, she thought irritably.

Jim nodded to Olivia and handed Alex a file. "Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt your meeting, Alexandra, but here are the Homicide numbers."

Alex briefly flipped through the pages. "Ok. Thanks." _Now I wish you'd leave._

"You wanna review them later on tonight? I hear The Water Club is a pretty nice restaurant," Jim proposed.

Olivia frowned. She immediately recognized the name of the restaurant. _We were supposed to go there on the night Alex told me she couldn't be in my life anymore_, she thought angrily.

The look on Olivia's face was a swift kick in the gut to Alex. She quickly looked away from Olivia back to Jim. She silently cursed him for bringing the painful memory up. "Uh…I don't know if I can make it. I'll get back to you later."

"Sure thing," he responded.

Olivia caught the gaze they exchanged before he left. _So she's fucking him._ She slammed the door to Alex's office. "You're sleeping with him, aren't you?" she demanded acrimoniously.

Alex stared at Olivia in shock. She wasn't sure how to answer the accusation. "Olivia, I don't think—"

"So it was all an act wasn't it? How you loved me and didn't want to lose me again? How you feared for your career? Well apparently you didn't fear for it too much since you're sleeping with Jim Steele!"

Alex sighed. _I might as well come clean with her. _In a low voice she began, "Liv, the goal is to protect my career from homophobia. It's just sex. He doesn't mean anything to me. If my love for you didn't fade over the time I was in Witness Protection, then why do you think it would have faded over a much shorter span of time? Besides, even in the worst case scenarios, it's much less scandalous for a woman to sleep with a man than another woman. The latter has more serious repercussions."

"Stop trying to rationalize your paranoia, Alex," Olivia retorted.

"Interoffice romance goes on around here and in other bureaus all the time—heterosexual romance, that is. It's not advertised or encouraged because you don't want people gossiping about your private life, but it's not absolutely forbidden either as long as it doesn't interfere with doing your job. Everyone knows that I'd never let anything get in the way of doing what's best for this bureau."

"Exactly. And the same could be said if you were in a same-sex relationship," Olivia responded. "How would your relationship with me prevent you from doing your job, especially when we aren't even in the same profession and you're not the ADA assigned to Special Victims anymore?"

Alex started to pace back and forth. Olivia rolled her eyes; she was amused that Alex would try to use her courtroom techniques on her. "You know the double standard; even infidelity is seen as less immoral than homosexuality as long as it's between a man and a woman since that's within the norm. Homosexuality is the only unforgivable offense in the eyes of so many. Do you really think I'd leave you because I thought our relationship would put my career in jeopardy only to put my career in jeopardy another way? Does that make any sense? I wouldn't be with Jim in the first place if I thought it would land me in hot water."

"Does it make any sense for you to let your paranoia come before our love? Does it make any sense for you to hide who you are?"

Alex threw her hands up. "Fine, Liv. Have it your way. So let's say I didn't think that being gay would harm my political future. Would you rather I replace you with another woman who I could end up having feelings for or a guy I don't have feelings for and never will?"

"Oh, so I'm that easily replaced, huh?" Olivia snarled, ignoring the rest.

Alex groaned. "Liv, that's not what I meant and you know it. No one can ever replace you in my heart. But when something is taken from us, we have to fill ourselves in other ways."

"Alex, I wasn't taken from you. You chose to oust me from your life."

"Liv, it's not that simple and you know it."

"No, Alex. Our love for each other is not complicated at all. In fact, it's one of the simplest, purest things there is. You just choose to complicate matters for the sake of your career and your ego. God forbid a Cabot ever shame herself by dating a woman."

That stab to her background hurt Alex's heart. "You're being unfair, Liv."

"Am I?" Olivia challenged. "I'm not the one too ashamed to be with the woman I love."

Alex gave Olivia another pained look. "Liv, I'm not ashamed of you." _I'm ashamed of myself_, she thought bitterly.

"Too bad I can't say the same about you," Olivia said, giving her one last glare and angrily jerking open the door.

Alex jumped when she heard the door slam. _Well, that went well, _she thought sarcastically. She knew she didn't owe Olivia any explanation about her sex life, but that fact didn't stop her from feeling obligated to pacify her anyway. She had already poured her heart out to Olivia to show her just how much she loved her; she wasn't going to let it all go to waste now because of a misunderstanding.

She walked back over to her desk and sat down. Perhaps she could make it up to Olivia by offering to take her to The Water Club sometime that weekend. There just had to be _something_ she could do. She decided that she would stop by her apartment later on that night and give it another shot.

* * *

It was 10:45 p.m. when Alex walked into the 16th precinct. She was disappointed when she found that Olivia wasn't at her desk. Seeing that Munch was still around, she went over and set her briefcase down on top of his desk. "Hi, Munch," she greeted him with a warm smile.

"Teflon!" Munch said, getting up to hug her. "How have you been? We haven't seen you around here in awhile. Still being the staunch headmistress and keeping the kiddies in line?"

Alex chuckled. "My assistants keep me pretty busy, yeah. But everything is running smoothly."

Munch regarded her with concern. He, too, remembered the significance of what had occurred exactly two years ago to the day. "How are you really, Alex?"

Alex played with the handle of her briefcase. "I'm ok, Munch. Today's much easier to deal with this year since I'm out of the program now."

Munch nodded. "Well, if you need anything, just let me know."

Alex smiled. "Well, now that you mention it, I do need some information. Do you know where—"

Munch grinned. "Liv's in the crib."

"You read my mind," Alex said, picking her briefcase up again. "Have a good night."

"You, too, Alex," Munch said, watching her walk away.

Alex walked up the stairs and apprehensively entered the crib. Olivia's back was to her, so she slowly walked over and made her presence known by touching her shoulder gently. "Liv?"

"Let me guess, Cabot. You came here to offer me your sloppy seconds?" Olivia growled, turning over.

Alex swallowed hard. "No, Liv. I went by your apartment, but you weren't there. And you weren't answering your phone. So I thought there was a chance I'd find you here at the precinct. Munch told me you were catching some sack time."

"Trying to," Olivia snapped.

Alex sighed deeply. She sat on the bunk across from Olivia. "Listen…I know you're upset. But it's not what you think."

"Shouldn't you be out to dinner with your fuck buddy?"

Alex groaned. "I told him later on that I couldn't make it. Why are you getting so upset over this? We aren't even together, Liv."

Olivia glared at her. "You think I need the reminder, Alex?"

Elliot came upstairs with a couple bags of Chinese. "Hey, Liv…I got some moo-shu pork and—" He stopped mid-sentence when he noticed she wasn't alone. "Oh…hi, Alex."

"Hi, Elliot," Alex responded softly.

Olivia got up and took her food and change from Elliot. "Thanks, El."

Elliot held his portion of the food and pointed in the direction of the door. "Uh…I'll just take mine down to my desk."

"Oh, Elliot. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to impose," Alex said quickly.

Elliot held up a hand. "No, it's ok. I'll leave you two alone." He gave Olivia a sympathetic look and then jogged back downstairs.

Olivia began opening up boxes. The steam of the food caught Alex's nostrils. "That smells good," Alex remarked, her mouth watering.

Olivia smirked. She temporarily set aside her anger as hunger took over. She knew how much Alex liked Chinese from that particular restaurant and felt guilty for giving her a hard time on such a painful day. Besides, she wasn't exactly innocent in that area herself. "Would you like some?" she offered.

Alex smiled gratefully. "I'd love some."

Olivia took out the extra plate and chopsticks and handed them to Alex. She then got up, pushed a bench between the bunks, and placed the boxes on it. Alex dipped into the boxes and scooped the steaming food onto her plate. Olivia watched as she wolfed down bite after bite.

"Hungry?" she asked.

Alex nodded. "I haven't eaten since lunch," she said around her mouthful of crab rangoon.

Olivia picked up a piece of tangerine beef and popped it into her mouth. "Same here. And I only had a sandwich."

"You should eat full meals, Liv."

"No time. But don't worry. When I find time, I make up for it with meals like this," she responded.

Alex grinned and said, "I can tell." They ate for several moments in silence.

"Have you talked to your brother or sister today?" Olivia asked, scooping up some lo mein.

Alex finished her bite of sesame chicken before answering. "I talked to Katherine briefly when she called. I haven't heard from Victor in awhile."

Olivia nodded and reached for some more moo-shu pork. She added some to Alex's plate as well. "How is she?"

"She's good. The residency is going well. She had just finished her morning rounds when she called."

Olivia smiled. "Your parents would be so proud that all their children turned out so great."

An immediate shadow fell over Alex's face. "Well, Dad's heart attack really took us all by surprise. Mom wasn't the same after he died. The fire in her eyes just disappeared. It's like she lost some of her zeal for life. But she was proud of all our accomplishments. She doted on us just like Dad did."

"You were very lucky," Olivia responded. "When I met your mother at the hospital," her voice broke, "…that night, she was very kind. She saw me covered in…your blood…and thanked me for trying to save your life. I remember thinking how strong she was and how much you resembled her."

Alex smiled and moved to sit beside Olivia. "Thank you."

Olivia blinked back tears. "I also remember riding in the ambulance with you. I held your hand the entire way. You were so cold and pale. We were almost to the ER when you lost consciousness. God, I'd never been so scared in my life. The wait while you were in surgery was agonizing. Elliot tried to bring me food, coffee…but I refused it all. And then after what seemed like days, the doctor came out and told us you didn't make it. He said that the bullet had hit a major artery and they couldn't repair the damage. I'd never felt so crushed in my life. I started blaming myself for not protecting you. I didn't know how I was going to go on." By the time she finished, the tears were streaming down her cheeks.

Alex moved the plate out of the way and pulled her into her arms. "Shh…don't cry. It's ok. I didn't die. And none of this was your fault."

As Alex soothingly ran her fingers through her shaggy, windblown locks, Olivia continued, "I thought about turning in my badge. I just felt so much guilt over your death. I stayed awake at night wracking my brain for what I might've done wrong when you were lying on that ground. You have no clue how shocked I was when I saw you climb outta the SUV. I didn't know whether to cry in happiness or sadness. At first I thought I was dreaming or having some type of vision. I really thought I'd lost it. But when Agent Hammond said that for the time being you were better off dead because Velez could get to you just like Zapata, there was no doubt in my mind that it was all very real." She looked at Alex and then quickly shook her head. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be making you relive this. I'm being selfish."

"No, no," Alex assured her, softly touching her face. "We both need this. It's cathartic."

"I-I've lost my appetite," Olivia simply responded.

"That's fine," Alex said. She began packing up the boxes. "We can save some for later." She was nervous to make the proposal, but she lunged into it anyway. "How about we go back to my place?"

Olivia wiped away tears and said shakily, "Uh, Alex…I don't think that's—"

Alex grabbed Olivia's hand. "Please? Just for awhile. I didn't get to answer you this morning because Jim walked in, but I did have a nightmare and a panic attack earlier. I was so terrified." She felt uncomfortable appealing to Olivia's emotions, but she absolutely needed her there and deep down she knew that Olivia needed to be with her just as much.

Olivia sighed. _How much harm can a couple hours alone with Alex in such a dire time of need do to me?_ she asked herself. "Ok. But I feel I need to clear the air first since I gave you such a hard time earlier about Jim."

"What is it?" Alex asked, becoming more nervous.

Olivia took a deep breath. Letting it out, she began, "Last Friday, I had a date with a guy. We were gonna go see Spamalot, but I caught a case right when we were about to leave. It was a little girl named Maria who was being held hostage by a guy using her for child porn. No one knew where she was calling from, so I had to stay here until we found her. I called Patrick the next day and told him it wasn't gonna work because my job would always get in the way. He understood."

Alex felt her heart drop into her stomach. She had no right to get upset over Olivia being with a man when she was doing the same thing, but she couldn't help it. "Did you sleep with him?"

Olivia looked down briefly before responding. "Just once. I met him in a bar; he was a pretty nice guy. We ended up going back to my place and sleeping together. Then he asked me out on a date and I accepted. Too bad, though. I really wanted to see Spamalot."

Alex forced a weak smile. "So I guess we're even, huh?"

Olivia rubbed Alex's shoulder. "Alex…I didn't do it outta malice. I was just lonely and wanted someone…unthreatening to take my mind off you." _And I don't have to worry about a guy breaking my heart, _she thought.

Alex frowned, although she was secretly glad that Olivia had slept with a guy instead of another woman. "Did it work?"

"No."

Alex forced a laugh. "What happened to the lecture you gave me about sleeping with men and not being true to myself?"

"Alex, I sleep with guys because I'm trying to protect what's on the inside. You sleep with them because you're trying to protect what's on the _outside_. I haven't had a serious relationship with a guy since college. My relationships with men disintegrated into one-night stands, meaningless flings, or a few short months of dating at the most. I found women intriguing and beautiful, but for the longest time I would just admire from afar. Men would always approach me and it was just easier to go with the status quo. I always knew there was that special something missing with men, but I couldn't put my finger on it until I was with my first chick. Then it was just like a light bulb went on inside me, and I started looking at sex and relationships on a whole new level. I couldn't care less if people see me with women, but I'm not ready to be taken on an emotional rollercoaster again. I see enough desolation everyday; I don't need it in my personal life."

"Liv, I'm sor—"

"It's ok, Alex. I know," Olivia interrupted.

"Well, Elliot is the longest relationship you've ever had with a man," Alex said, trying to lighten the mood.

Olivia smirked. "You're right. But you were the longest relationship I ever had with a woman."

"I was the third woman you dated. You know how they say third time's a charm," Alex said with a smile.

Olivia smiled in return. "We did have some pretty good times together."

_And hopefully we'll have many more, _Alex thought. She placed a hand over hers. "Shall we go?"

"Yeah. I just need to ask El if he'll be all right without me."

Elliot looked up from his food to see Olivia coming down the stairs with Alex. Olivia went over to her locker to get her things and called out, "Hey, El, I'm gonna dip out for the night. You don't mind, do you?"

"No, Liv. You go right on ahead. If we catch a break in the case, I'll call you," Elliot assured her.

"Are you sure, El?" Olivia asked.

"Positive," he said with an encouraging smile.

"All right. See ya later," Olivia said, giving him a thankful smile. Alex waved goodbye and they walked out the precinct.

* * *

Olivia walked into Alex's apartment. "Glad to see this place is just as big as I left it." 

Alex laughed softly. "Yeah. But it doesn't feel empty now that you're here," she replied.

Olivia smiled and shifted the food in her arms. Alex quickly reached out to help her, but Olivia shook her head. "No, you have your briefcase and everything. I'll just go put this in the fridge."

Alex smiled. "Ok." She went into her office and placed her briefcase on the floor. She took her cell phone out of her purse and turned it off for the night before joining Olivia in the kitchen.

"Alex, did you buy out the whole store or what?" Olivia remarked, putting the containers on the shelves of the refrigerator.

Alex walked over and placed a hand on her shoulder. "I just like to keep a variety of items on hand. What would you like for dessert?"

"That depends. What do you have?"

Alex opened up the freezer. "Well, I have ice cream—dark chocolate, vanilla, Rocky Road."

Olivia grinned. "Why so many containers?"

"Let's just say ice cream is one of my guilty pleasures," Alex replied with a grin of her own.

"I'll say," Olivia murmured. She moved the container of dark chocolate to find a pint of Ben & Jerry's. "Well, well, well. Karamel Sutra? You like your ice cream kinky, Counselor?"

Laughing, Alex took the pint out of her hands and grabbed two spoons out of a drawer. "It's one of my favorite Ben & Jerry's flavors."

"I bet," Olivia responded. Alex took the top off the pint and Olivia dug her spoon in.

"I was saving it for a special occasion," Alex said. "This would definitely qualify as one."

"This is really good," Olivia commented.

Alex dipped her spoon into the caramel core and brought it to her mouth. "Careful, it's addictive."

Olivia leaned back against the counter as she ate spoonful after spoonful. "Chocolate and caramel—the best of both worlds."

"I agree."

When they'd finished eating all the ice cream they wanted, Alex put the container back in the freezer and asked, "Do you wanna go in the den and watch a movie?"

"Sure."

"Ok. Just let me change into something more comfortable."

"Don't take too long," Olivia teased as Alex made her exit.

Olivia went into the den and looked at Alex's DVD collection. She had just settled on _Fire _when Alex walked in wearing a white tank top and light blue velour drawstring pants. She had put her long hair up in a messy bun. Olivia looked Alex over appreciatively and then returned her attention to the DVD in her hand. "Well, Alex, I never thought I'd see a lesbian love story in your collection."

Alex took the case from her and opened it. She put the DVD in the changer and said slyly, "You'd be surprised at what movies I have in my...collection."

"Do I get the sense that you have another _collection _stashed somewhere?"

Alex grinned. "Out of sight, out of mind."

Olivia shook her head and sat down on the sofa. "So if I checked your bedroom DVD player, I wouldn't find any _incriminating _evidence?"

"Come on, now, Detective. You know you'd need a warrant," Alex bantered back. She curled up beside her. _Just like old times, _she thought as she pressed the "play" button. "This is one of my favorite films."

"I heard good things about it. I've wanted to see it for awhile now."

"Well, now's your chance," Alex responded softly, brushing a tendril of hair back from Olivia's face.

Several minutes into the movie, Alex moved closer to Olivia and tentatively wrapped her arms around her waist. Olivia immediately tensed up. "Alex, wh-what are you—"

"I...I just wanna hold you, Liv. I've missed you," she confessed.

Olivia smiled. _I've missed you, too, _she thought. "Isn't that how it always starts out? Just holding each other?" she teased.

"It doesn't have to go any further than we both want," Alex replied. Seeing that Olivia was still a little uncomfortable, she started to move back. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have invaded your personal space like that without asking."

Olivia gently took Alex's hands and put them back on her waist. "No. It's fine."

"Are you sure?" Alex asked, although she made no effort to remove them.

"Positive."

Alex smiled and laid her head on Olivia's shoulder. "How I've missed your scent."

Olivia chuckled softly. "Your pickup lines used to be better."

Alex sat up and lightly shoved her shoulder. "Hey!"

"I'm just teasing, sweetie," Olivia said, placing her head back.

Alex smiled. She loved it when Olivia called her that. She reached up to play with her necklace. Olivia felt her body get warm as Alex's nimble fingers brushed against her neck.

A few minutes later, Alex asked, "You want any popcorn or anything?"

Olivia smirked. "What, Cabot? You tryin' to fatten me up or somethin'?"

Alex laughed. "No. I have fat-free."

"Alex, we've had Chinese, ice cream, and now you wanna give me popcorn? I'm not gonna be able to move tomorrow."

"Oh, come on! You can burn off the calories in no time!"

"When did you become such a health slacker?"

"When did you become such a health nut?" Alex teased back.

"I'll make a deal with you. If my stomach starts growling within the next 15 minutes, you can make the popcorn."

"Deal," Alex said, placing a hand lightly on Olivia's stomach. Olivia looked down and gave her a curious look. Alex explained, "What? I'm just making sure I'll feel the vibrations in case the rumbling is too soft to detect audibly."

Olivia laughed heartily. "Don't wanna lose on a technicality. Such a lawyer."

"I'm not afraid to use my powers of persuasion either," Alex responded.

Olivia played with the soft strands of hair at the nape of Alex's neck. Alex closed her eyes. "That feels good," she complimented.

"How good is too good?"

"That information is privileged," Alex replied.

Olivia playfully pinched her arm. "Privilege doesn't apply here."

"Fine, then. It feels really, _really_ good."

Olivia let her hand move down to graze her side. She noticed Alex's nipples hardening through her tank. She tried to avert her eyes from her smooth, creamy cleavage.

Alex purposely shifted her body to allow her a better view. "Why, Liv, are you looking down my shirt?"

"What if I am?" Olivia asked, continuing to let her fingers dance up and down her side.

"I have no objections," Alex responded.

"I can tell," Olivia said, turning her attention back to the movie.

Within a few minutes, Alex's stomach began to growl. Olivia rolled her eyes. "Alex, I thought the deal depended on _my_ stomach growling."

Alex jumped up off the sofa. "You don't want me to be hungry, do you?"

Olivia shook her head. "This is typical."

"So what will it be?" Alex asked, smiling victoriously. "Orville Redenbacher's or Pop Secret?"

"I have a soft spot for ole Orville," Olivia said.

Alex returned a few minutes later with a big bowl and a couple bottles of mineral water. "Ok, it's not 100 percent fat-free, just 94."

Olivia took a bottle from her. "Good to see you're still a loyal San Pellegrino fan."

Alex chuckled. "Yep. I'm not a total 'health slacker' as you say." She cuddled up beside Olivia again and dipped her fingers into the popcorn.

"Well, don't eat it all," Olivia said, reaching into the bowl.

"Better get it while you can," Alex replied, grabbing another handful. She threw a piece of popcorn at Olivia's mouth but it fell into her lap.

"Um, Alex, I think that little trick requires my mouth to be _open _first."

"Ok, well open up this time," Alex ordered. Olivia complied and the next piece sailed effortlessly into her mouth.

Alex grinned. "That wasn't so hard, now was it?"

Olivia took a long gulp of water before answering. "Of course not. Food is always better in my mouth than on my lap."

"I agree," Alex said. She cuddled up to Olivia again and placed her head on her shoulder. Olivia brought a hand up to rub her right shoulder when the strap to Alex's tank top suddenly slipped off and left her scars in open view. Olivia gingerly ran her fingers over both of them before bursting into tears.

Alex immediately sat up and pulled Olivia into her arms. "Shh...it's ok."

"I'm sorry for doing this again, Alex. It's just...the scars, I mean—"

"I know, baby," Alex said softly. "It's hard for you, too. Don't be afraid of letting it out."

Olivia sniffled. "I-I can't describe it. When I saw all your blood...I don't know how I didn't completely lose it. Your life was literally gushing into my hands. I remember how hard I cupped my hands against your shoulder to keep you from losing more blood and to force your life back into you. But as hard as I tried your blood just kept spilling out—so fast, so warm. You were going deeper and deeper into shock. I kept shaking your shoulder and talking to you. I wanted you to say something—anything—to let me know you'd be ok."

"Oh, sweetie," Alex said, her own eyes full of tears. "I heard you and I tried so hard to respond, but I just couldn't."

"I just wanted to keep you alive!" Olivia cried.

Alex wiped Olivia's tears away and pressed her forehead against hers. "And you did. I tried so hard to hold on especially for you. You and I share something that I've never shared with any other lover and never will. As my blood was pouring out and taking my life with it, it seeped into your bare skin, staining your hands and your rings. Your beautiful hands served as my tourniquet. Those moments were more than tangible, they were ethereal. In my eyes, that forever made my life a part of yours. My own mother didn't even have to suffer through that part of my shooting."

"Oh, Alex..." Olivia said simply.

"As a cop, I know you've saved so many people's lives over the years, but that's not the point," Alex continued, holding her hands in her lap. "You weren't in love with them, so the experience of almost losing them was not as painful or scary. I will always treasure that the love of my life saved my life. If anyone else had done it, it still would've been monumental, but it means so much more than that since it was _you_. So we will always have a bond because of our love for each other and that unfortunate event. We've experienced the very essence of true pain together that so many others in love will never have to face. And the greatest thing about it all is that we both survived." By the time she finished, her own tears had begun to blend with Olivia's.

"I love you so much, Alex," Olivia vowed. "If I could've traded places with you at that moment, I would have. You didn't deserve that. All I could think about was how fragile and innocent you were. Your hair was spread out around your head like an angel. Even after taking a bullet, you still looked beautiful."

"You're my hero," Alex said, pressing her lips hard against Olivia's. "No one else can ever compare to what you mean in my life."

Olivia looked down at her hands and began twisting her rings on her finger. "Now when I look at my rings, I think of you," she whispered. "Your blood may no longer be there, but the stamp of your life remains."

Alex picked up Olivia's hands and kissed the rings. "I know, sweetie, I know. But when I look at my scars, I think of you."

Olivia smiled. "You don't have to say that to make me feel better."

"Liv, I said it because it's true." She closed her eyes and leaned in to kiss her lips again. Olivia kissed back, tasting the salt of the popcorn and Alex's tears. Without breaking the kiss, Alex brought Olivia's hand to her heart and then moved it to her bare shoulder.

After the kiss ended, Olivia joked, "Slick, Cabot. I know you just wanted to make me cop a feel on you."

Alex smirked. "Into full detective mode, huh?" She ran her hand over Olivia's badge on her belt.

"I always knew you were a badge bunny at heart," Olivia teased.

"Your badge bunny," Alex said, leaning in to kiss her once more.

Olivia didn't want things to go too far, but her hands seemed to have a mind of their own. As she leaned back and Alex settled on top of her, she let her hands caress the back of her tank and then move under it to meet smooth skin. Alex reached under Olivia's shirt to place her hand on her warm stomach as she flicked her tongue out against her lips, silently begging entry. When Olivia moaned, she had her chance. She held her face in her hands gently as she pressed her tongue against hers, reveling in the taste. _It's been so long, _Alex thought. _Too long._

Olivia desperately tried to slow her racing heart and quell her desire. _God, how I need her, _she thought. Their kiss was full of the fervor of true love, longing, tenderness, intimacy, and healing. They breathed freedom and security into each other. After several minutes of exploring each other's mouths, Olivia forced herself to pull back. "We're missing the movie."

Alex sighed, disappointed at the loss of contact with Olivia's mouth. She wiped the corners of her mouth and said, "I'll rewind."

Olivia tucked her arms around Alex's waist and laid her head on her shoulder. "We can still cuddle, though."

Alex smiled. "I'd like that."

"And just so you know, I've missed your scent, too," Olivia told her, placing a soft kiss on her neck. Alex kissed her on the top of the head in response.

"Who do you identify more with?" Alex asked when the movie ended. "Sita or Radha?"

"Well...I guess Sita because she's such a free spirit. She defies tradition and doesn't always adhere to strict social rules. She lets her heart guide her even in such a male dominated and oppressive culture. Radha is more reserved and reluctant about following her heart's desires because she doesn't want to do anything that could be seen as disrespectful to her culture or elders."

Alex nodded. "I see. But she stands up to her husband in the end and seeks out Sita just as she promised her, even though she's in great pain. The fire cleansed her and made her love for Sita that much more apparent. I respect Radha's journey and her resilience."

Olivia smiled up at her. "I do, too." She looked at her watch. "Well, it's getting late. I should be getting home."

"Liv, please stay," Alex requested, grabbing her hand.

"I don't have any spare clothes," Olivia said.

"You would've if you hadn't—" Alex started. A cloud passed over Olivia's face as she remembered how she'd asked Alex for her clothes back. "I'm sorry, Liv."

"No, it's ok."

Alex placed a hand on Olivia's thigh. "You can leave early tomorrow morning and get some things. But not until after I've made you breakfast."

Olivia sighed. She wanted to stay with Alex, but she didn't know if she should. But she looked into her soft blue eyes and felt herself melting despite everything that had happened between them. In her head, she knew she was losing her resolve, but at the moment, in her heart she didn't care at all.

"Come on, Liv. No obligations. Nothing will happen that you don't want to happen. I promise. But I—" Alex looked down briefly before focusing on Olivia's eyes again, "I need you here with me. You're the only one who can get me through this."

"Ok," Olivia conceded. "To tell you the truth, I don't want to be alone tonight either."

Alex smiled. "In fact, I'd like it if you stayed the whole weekend."

Olivia chuckled. "Gettin' greedy, Counselor?"

"Just a little," Alex replied. "I'll get one of the guest rooms ready to show you that I don't expect anything from you."

"Thanks, Alex."

"We can go up to my room and I'll get some things for you to sleep in," Alex said.

Olivia followed Alex into the foyer. At the landing of the black cantilevered staircase, she stopped and pointed to a painting on the wall. It featured a fiery phoenix rising from a bed of ashes into the night sky. "I noticed this earlier when I came in and meant to ask you about it. Who's the artist?"

"Natalia Goncharova. She was part of the Russian avant-garde movement in the early 1900s," Alex answered.

"When did you get it?"

"A couple weeks ago at an art gallery. It's called _Reaping. The Phoenix._"

"I love it," Olivia responded simply.

"Thanks." She held Olivia's gaze for a few seconds before continuing up the stairs.

Alex opened the door to her bedroom and flipped on the lights. "I've always loved your view. It is so beautiful," Olivia said, walking over and opening the glass doors to the terrace.

Alex walked out with her. "It's peaceful out here. I come out here when I need to clear my head."

"The lights in the city are gorgeous," Olivia mused.

"I can think of something more gorgeous," Alex said, bringing a long, slender finger down her jawline.

Olivia turned to her. "Why are you being so affectionate, Alex? Is it because of the shooting?"

"No, Liv. It's because I realized that the biggest mistake of my life was letting you go. I'm just happy to have you in my life in any way I can."

Olivia swallowed hard. She believed Alex's sincerity, but she was hesitant in getting too close to her again. She was afraid of letting herself be vulnerable and open, but like Alex, she couldn't turn off her feelings and didn't like the wall that had been erected between them. "I...I don't know what to say, Alex."

Alex placed a hand on her back. "You don't have to say anything." She turned forward again and deeply inhaled. "I'm so thankful I can smell the city again."

Olivia smiled. "I'm glad you can, too."

After a few more minutes, they went back inside. "Let me get you a pair of pajamas," Alex told her. She reached into her drawers and pulled out a pair of red satin pajamas and matching panties.

Olivia took the clothes from her and smiled. "Thanks. I'm gonna go take a shower." She walked out of Alex's room to the bathroom down the hall.

Olivia returned about 20 minutes later wrapped in a white fluffy towel. Alex was wearing a big gray t-shirt and drying her hair with a towel. The dampness from her body made several wet spots on the shirt. "You've dressed down for the night, huh?" Olivia asked.

"It's comfortable," Alex said, reaching for her brush. She began brushing the tangles out of her hair.

"Let me help you," Olivia said, climbing onto the bed and taking the brush out of her hands. In gentle long strokes, she brushed Alex's hair until it was smooth.

"It always feels so good when you brush my hair."

"I guess I've got that special touch," Olivia joked.

"Why, yes, you do," Alex agreed.

When Olivia was done, Alex turned around to return the favor. "If your hair keeps growing at this rate, it'll soon be as long as mine."

Olivia laughed. "Well, I had hair this length before you met me."

"I know. But it was much darker."

"Which color do you like better?" Olivia asked.

"Your natural color."

"Oh," Olivia said softly, a bit disappointed.

Alex kissed her on the ear. "Hey, I first remember seeing you as a brunette so you'll always be one in my eyes. You still look great with this color, though."

"Three years ago when I got the dye job, you told me you liked it."

"I do like the lighter brown, just not as much as I like the brunette. I love the brunette so much because it matches your eyes perfectly."

Olivia had to smile at that. "Good save, Cabot."

"I'm being truthful. You're not angry, are you?"

Olivia patted her hand. "Nah. I just wanted to mess with ya."

"Besides, you'll always be a brunette in a certain special area. So I can't complain too much."

Olivia chuckled. "I was waiting for that one."

"You know me too well," Alex said with a grin. She went back to brushing Olivia's hair.

After she'd finished brushing out her hair, she placed her hands on Olivia's damp shoulders and remarked, "Sweetie, you have so much tension."

Olivia smirked. "Well, chasing rapists and murderers all day long will do that to ya."

"Lean forward," Alex ordered.

Olivia did as she was told. Alex put her hands at the base of her neck and made strong, circular motions with her thumbs. She then spread out to the shoulders and started to work out the knots.

"That feels good," Olivia said, dropping her head and letting Alex's slender fingers do their magic.

"I'd hope so," Alex responded softly as she continued kneading out the tension and soothing the taut muscles. In a few minutes, she patted her on the back and said, "Ok. All done."

Olivia turned around and gave Alex a chaste kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, I needed that."

Alex blushed in response. "It was my pleasure."

Olivia got up and let her towel drop to the floor. Alex's breath caught in her chest. Olivia laughed. "We're big girls here," she said. "Besides...it's not like we've never seen each other naked before."

Alex stared at her nipples. She involuntarily licked her lips as she thought about how she would like to take the succulent buds of flesh into her mouth and...

"Earth to Alex," Olivia alerted her, leaning over and waving her hand in front of her face.

Olivia's breasts were now just inches away from her face. _Oh, so close, _Alex thought. It was a few seconds before she was able to shake herself out of her thoughts. "Oh, sorry. What were you saying?"

"Sweetheart, my eyes are up here." She reached for the panties at the foot of Alex's bed and slipped into them. Then she picked up the pajamas and pulled them on. "These are so soft. They fit perfectly."

Alex walked up to her and ran a hand over a sleeve. "I thought you'd like them. I'll tell you a secret."

"What's that?" Olivia asked with a lopsided smile.

"I bought these for you when we were dating. I was going to surprise you on our anniversary. But then...we broke up and I didn't want them to sit and collect dust. So I wore them a couple times. I want you to have them now."

"Well, thank you, Alex."

Alex put a hand on her shoulder. "Come on, if you're good, I'll tuck you into bed."

They entered Olivia's room, which was the second largest bedroom in the penthouse. It had an antique armoire, fireplace, and French doors which led to an en-suite bathroom. Alex had lit a couple scented candles and drawn back the covers to the queen-sized bed.

"You didn't have to go to all this trouble."

"It was no trouble," Alex said. "And you are welcome here anytime. This is your room from now on if you want it."

Olivia went over to admire the armoire. "This is lovely. Is it solid cherry?"

"Yes. It was my grandmother's," Alex told her.

"Your grandmother had very good taste."

Alex nodded. "I'll show you your bathroom."

Olivia followed Alex into the bathroom and looked around. "Wow, and I thought the hall one was nice."

"Well, this one has a separate bath and shower. And the towel rail is heated," Alex told her.

Olivia chuckled. "Who thinks of gadgets like that?"

"I dunno. But they sure do come in handy." She picked up a towel and put it to Olivia's cheek. "Doesn't that feel nice?"

Olivia closed her eyes and smiled. "I have to admit it does. Why didn't I get the full tour all those times I was here before?"

Alex smiled back. "You never asked."

Olivia shook her head and walked back into her room. She stretched her arms above her head and then climbed into bed. "I really appreciate all you've done, Alex."

Alex smiled and pulled the covers up over her. She sat down on the edge of the bed. "You're very welcome. If you need anything or can't sleep and just wanna talk, you can come right in."

"I'll do that," Olivia promised, reaching out to stroke her cheek.

Alex ran a hand lightly through Olivia's hair and let her fingers rest at the nape of her neck. "Goodnight, Liv," she said softly, leaning over and kissing her on the cheek.

"Night, Alex," Olivia replied.

Alex blew out the candles. At the doorway, she gave Olivia one last smile before turning around and leaving. She walked back to her room and snuggled comfortably under the covers. It seemed almost unbelievable that Olivia was just in the room next to her. She looked up at the ceiling and smiled. Her sudden turn of luck left her grateful and replenished. _Things are finally looking up_, she thought as she let out a contented sigh.


	13. Wicked Game

**Chapter 13: Wicked Game**

Alex woke up a couple hours later. It was 4:15 a.m. She got out of bed and walked to Olivia's room. She slowly opened the door to check on her and saw that she wasn't in bed. There was no light coming from the bathroom either. _She must be downstairs, _she decided. 

She made her way downstairs barefoot and padded into the kitchen. Olivia was sitting at the bar eating some leftover Chinese. "Mind if I join you?" Alex asked.

"Not at all," Olivia responded, flashing her a smile.

Alex sat down on the stool beside Olivia. "You couldn't sleep either, huh?" she asked.

Olivia shook her head. "No. And then I got hunger pangs, so go figure."

"And I thought I was the one with the voracious appetite," Alex replied with a grin. "Is there any crab rangoon left?" 

"I saved you a couple," Olivia answered.

Alex picked up one and bit into it. "Thanks." She watched as Olivia scooped up some tangerine beef and lo mein with her chopsticks. "You don't wanna eat too much, though. I'm still making that breakfast."

Olivia chuckled. "I haven't forgotten. I'll be sure to leave plenty of room."

"Olivia...I just wanted to say thank you for helping me get through what would have been an otherwise unbearable night," Alex said gratefully.

Olivia smiled. "No problem."

Alex reached over and grabbed a piece of beef. "Did you get any sleep at all?"

"A little. The bed was really comfortable, but I just kept waking up. I guess I had a lot on my mind."

Alex looked at her. "Anything you wanna talk about?" she asked softly, hopefully.

Olivia hesitated. She didn't know how to explain things without offending Alex. "Uh…it's just that this all seems so sudden. Earlier I was yelling at you and now I'm sitting here in your apartment as if everything's ok."

Alex reached for Olivia's hand. "But we can work on making things ok, can't we?"

Olivia looked down at their hands. She then looked back into Alex's eyes. "Alex, it's just…it's like nothing's changed."

"Our love for each other hasn't changed, has it?" Alex asked.

"No, Alex. But our relationship certainly has. These latest developments are almost unreal."

"Reality changes constantly. Yesterday's reality isn't always today's. One day a few years ago we were just friends, then the next day we became lovers. Listen, I can't help being drawn to you, Liv. My heart aches for you every night. When I'm around you, I feel like everything's ok. You're the only one who can give me a true sense of security. I know I really screwed up, Liv, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things up to you. I mean that. It rips me apart to see you hurting and know that I'm the cause. I just want to mend the precious heart I broke."

Olivia smiled. "Was that your opening or closing argument?"

Alex chuckled. "You love those lawyer jokes, huh?"

"I just couldn't resist." Slowly her smile faded. "But I still feel like it's too soon. I can't act like everything that's happened between us in the past couple months just didn't. It's gonna take time—and one weekend isn't gonna do it."

"I understand, Liv. Like I said before, I'm just grateful to have you in my life in any way I can. I know I don't deserve you."

"Alex..."

"Are you happy here with me now?"

Olivia sighed. "Yes."

"Then let's give burying the hatchet a shot, ok?" Alex said. "The only thing that hurts worse than not having you is thinking you could hate me."

"I never hated you. I was angry, Alex. And I'll be honest with you. In a way, I still am."

"And the only way you're going to stop being angry with me is if I take steps to rectify things myself. I caused the problem. Let me fix it," Alex persuaded, putting her hand over her heart.

"You're relentless, you know that?" Olivia laughed.

"I'll never stop trying," Alex swore.

"Ok. But I want things to move at my own pace."

Alex smiled. "Deal."

"Let me explain something first, though. I'm staying with you because these 4 days 2 years ago were the worst days of both our lives, and I realized you were right about something. Since we experienced your shooting together in a way no one else did, we're the only ones who can help each other effectively heal. I know there are a lot of storm clouds over both our heads, so it's good to let a little sun shine through during this time. So let's just think of this as a necessary milestone. I don't want to give you the impression that this will be a regular thing."

"I know, Liv," Alex responded softly. She understood Olivia's reasoning but was still hurt by her frankness. She decided to change the subject. "How are your cases going?" 

"Ok, I guess. Monday, Fin and I were checking out this gay club called the Green Ballroom Club for one of the cases we're working on right now. Warner noticed that our victim had the stamp on his hand when he was murdered. So we were checking the I.D. list on the club owner's computer and Fin saw his son's name on there."

Alex almost choked on a noodle. "So you're telling me Fin's son is gay?"

"Yep."

"Oh, wow. How did Fin take it?"

"Let's just say he wasn't ecstatic about the news, but he handled it pretty well considering. He was even more worried when we found out our victim had AIDS. It turns out that there's this killer strain of HIV out there that progresses from infection to death in less than a year and is resistant to most drugs. But there is one aspect of the case that will amuse you."

"What's that?"

"Tuesday night we were making a bust at this club called Euphoria and I had to work undercover as a prostitute. Fin was my pimp."

"And what kinda bust were you making that required _that_?"

"There's a violent drug gang called MKS. It stands for Manhattan Killer Squad. They go to circuit parties so they can attack gay men using crystal meth and steal their stash."

"You still have your outfit?" Alex asked with a grin. 

Olivia grinned back. "Why ya wanna know?"

"Well…it may come in handy for a little role-playing one day."

Olivia laughed. "I can see the wheels in your head turning already. Too bad you weren't there because I was quite a sight. I had on these tall black boots, big hoop earrings, and this hot little dress that showed enough cleavage to make your head spin."

Alex's heart started racing. "You're joking, right? Gosh, that sounds like something outta one of my fantasies."

"Oh, I'm quite serious. And you should've seen me chase down and cuff one of the perps in those heels."

"I take it you didn't have any trouble, Ms. Super Cop."

"None at all."

Alex brought a hand to her forehead. "Oh, Liv…you just made my entire brain go mush."

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Your brain or somewhere else?"

Alex blushed furiously all over. "I plead the fifth."

Olivia fought the urge to lick her lips as she noticed Alex's taut nipples straining against the fabric of her shirt. "Alex, I could lose an eye if I get too close," she teased.

"You're one to talk," Alex said, staring at Olivia's own hard nipples. "Oh boy, I need a glass of water."

"A glass of water or a cold shower?"

Alex got up and filled a glass. "Perhaps both. You want anything while I'm up?"

Olivia shook her head. "I'm fine."

"You know…who would've thought that a day of such tragedy could turn out to be one I'll always treasure," Alex said, sitting down and picking up her chopsticks again.

Olivia turned to her and smiled. "I know. It's good that now we can think of this time as something pleasant instead of just a time of misery. So let's just continue to make the best of this weekend and whatever happens in the future happens."

"Hopefully only good things," Alex said, taking a sip of water.

"If only life were that easy." A few minutes later, she looked at her watch. "Perhaps I can catch a few hours sleep."

"Maybe…maybe I can help you fall asleep."

Olivia's eyes grew wide. "Y-you're not suggesting—"

Alex laughed. "No, sweetie. I mean I could keep you company until you drift off to sleep."

Olivia smiled. "No funny stuff."

Alex crossed her heart and raised her right hand. "I swear."

"Ok," Olivia said, throwing the empty cartons in the trash and putting her dirty plate in the dishwasher.

They went back upstairs to Olivia's room. Alex waited for Olivia to settle under the covers and then slipped in bed beside her. As Alex shifted her body, her shirt rose up to her hips.

"Alex...are you not wearing underwear?" Olivia asked.

Alex gave her a sly grin. "What's it to ya?"

Olivia stared at Alex's creamy thighs. She could see her thin triangle of hair peeking out from underneath the shirt. _Cannot give in, cannot give in_, she told herself.

Alex smiled wider as she watched Olivia's intent gaze. "Can I have a goodnight kiss?"

Olivia jerked her head up to meet Alex's eyes. "If it's innocent."

"I promise," Alex said. She pulled Olivia close to her and softly enveloped her mouth. When she pulled back, she asked, "That was innocent enough for ya, wasn't it?" 

"If you say so," Olivia said. She tried to stifle a yawn. "Somehow I don't think I'm gonna have any trouble falling asleep now."

"Turn over," Alex instructed quietly.

Olivia did as she was told and Alex snuggled in and wrapped her arms around her. She slipped a hand under her top and began rubbing her stomach; she knew Olivia had always liked that.

"Keep it above the waist, Cabot," Olivia teased, relaxing into her touch.

"I am," Alex replied. "Although I don't know how I'm managing to do so after your detective-turned-prostitute story."

"Can't blame me for your horniness."

"Can't I? You completely got me worked up!" Alex objected, pushing her shoulder playfully.

"I'm good," Olivia responded.

"Why, yes you are," Alex agreed. "But I'm content to just be able to hold you."

"Thankful for small favors, huh?" Olivia mumbled, fighting to keep her eyes open.

"This isn't small. It means the world to me," Alex said.

Olivia smiled. Although she still had her reservations in the back of her mind, she appreciated that Alex was trying so hard and her heart skipped a beat at hearing her express words brimming with such love. "Good to know."

When Olivia woke up it was a little after 6:30. She turned over and saw that Alex was fast asleep with a smile on her face. She quietly threw back the covers and tried to tiptoe to the bathroom when Alex began to stir. 

Alex yawned loudly and looked at the clock. "Oh shit, I should've started breakfast by now."

"It's ok," Olivia told her. "We have plenty of time."

"We're gonna have to catch up on our sleep tonight," Alex said.

"Fine by me," Olivia said, continuing into the bathroom.

Alex moved over to Olivia's pillow and buried her face deep into it. She let out a long satisfying moan. When Olivia came out, she mumbled, "Your pillow smells so good."

Olivia walked over and smiled. "Hey, what if I wanted to lie back down for a few?" she teased.

Alex smiled without opening her eyes. "You can have mine. Wake me up in 15, ok?"

"Ok," Olivia promised. She got back in beside her.

In 15 minutes, she gently nudged Alex. "Hey, sweetie. Wake up."

Alex stirred comfortably and turned to face her with a bright smile. "Like clockwork, huh?"

"I'm gonna go take a shower."

"We can conserve water if we shower together," Alex said.

Olivia's mouth dropped open. "Whatever happened to taking things slow?"

"We can spend _all_ day in the shower if you want. How's that for slow?"

"Alex!"

"I was just joking!"

While Olivia was in the shower, Alex picked up her badge off the nightstand and ran her fingers over the familiar numbers. _4015_. Without thinking, she brought the badge to her lips.

"So since you can't have me, you make out with my badge instead?" 

Embarrassed, Alex quickly returned her badge to the nightstand. "Uh…I was just—"

"About to masturbate with my badge. I know, Alex."

"Liv! That was an innocent kiss! Besides, I had no idea you'd come out at that moment. I guess I just lost track of time." She threw back the covers and walked over to Olivia, who was wrapped in a white, fluffy towel. "I'd love to continue to stick around and entertain your jokes, but I should go shower, too."

"Go ahead. I left the bathroom nice and steamy."

"I like the sound of that," Alex said, getting warm as she noticed the water dripping from Olivia's soaked strands onto her shoulders. Wanting to make her squirm a little, she pulled off the shirt she had on in one swift motion and threw it on the floor. 

Olivia gasped and exclaimed, "Alex!" 

"Well as you said, it's not like we've never seen each other naked before." She turned around and started walking to the bathroom.

Olivia gave her a firm slap on one of her cheeks. A bright red handprint surfaced. Alex yelped and turned back around. "What was that for?"

Olivia grinned. "You're just gonna leave your shirt on the floor like that?" 

With a sly smile, she turned around and bent over, giving Olivia a full view of her swollen sex from behind. Olivia's heart started racing as she felt her own wetness begin to spread. Alex stood up and threw the shirt into the hamper. "That good enough for ya?"

"Much better. Now what am I gonna wear in the meantime?"

"How about nothing? Let your skin air-dry," Alex teased.

"I still don't have any clothes to change into afterwards," Olivia said. 

"Well, you can wear something of mine until we drop by your place. Just look through my closet."

"And just what am I gonna do about underwear?"

"Well, you could go commando, but if you don't want to, I think I can accommodate you," she said with a smile. "I'll be right back."

Alex returned a couple minutes later with a bra and panties. "These should fit you nicely."

Olivia smirked and let her towel drop. As Alex watched her pull on the underwear, she said, "I thought you had to take a shower."

Alex laughed. "This is worth waiting for."

Olivia turned around for Alex. "You like?"

"Oh, I love. You've always looked nice in lace." She walked over and dragged the tip of her finger down the side of the bra. Olivia smirked as she noticed Alex's nipples becoming more erect.

"Your breasts look amazing in that," Alex breathed. She looked up and put a hand on Olivia's face. "You are so beautiful."

"Well, if I say so myself, this bra does leave little to the imagination," Olivia said, running her hands over her own cleavage.

Alex swallowed hard. "Oh god," she exclaimed, feeling her knees go weak.

Olivia grabbed Alex's arm. "Steady. Do I need to walk you to the shower?"

It took Alex's brain a few seconds to process what Olivia had said. She shook her head quickly and answered, "Shower? Oh um, right. No, I'm fine. I just need to…need to go…um, take a—"

Olivia laughed. "Well, while you stand here stuttering, I'm gonna go through your closet to find something to put over this."

Olivia walked into Alex's closet and chose a button-down shirt and some slacks. She returned to her room and walked into the bathroom. Rolling up the cuffs of the shirt, she yelled over the roar of the shower, "I look like a lawyer!"

Alex opened the door and peeked out. "You look very nice, though."

Olivia smirked as water dripped onto the floor. "Careful, Alex. I don't wanna slip in these boots and fall flat on my ass."

Alex smiled as she shut the door back. "You're lucky I didn't pull you in here with me."

"I'm a cop, so my reflexes are pretty quick, but you'd be welcome to try," Olivia teased, walking out the bathroom.

Several minutes later, Alex came out the bathroom. "Did you miss me?" she asked as she continued to dry off.

Olivia got up off the bed. "Perhaps. But I'm getting kinda hungry. So I'm gonna go downstairs and wait for you."

Alex chuckled. "I know, I know. I'll hurry up so I can make you breakfast." She flicked her towel at Olivia and then retreated into her own room to get dressed.

"What would you like for breakfast?" Alex asked, joining Olivia in the kitchen.

Olivia shrugged. "Surprise me."

Alex smiled. "Ok, then. I make delicious sweet potato pancakes."

"Sounds yummy."

Alex started getting ingredients out of the cabinets and the refrigerator as Olivia pulled utensils out of the drawers. "Alex, you bought a cappuccino thermometer?" she asked, holding it up and scrunching up her nose.

"It's so I don't burn the milk in my cappuccino." 

Olivia shook her head. "Wow."

"You know I'm very cautious in the kitchen now," Alex explained.

"Oh, I can see that."

Alex set a sweet potato in a pot of water to boil and began mixing together the other ingredients. "Liv, will you hand me a little more flour?"

"Sure," Olivia responded. She dumped a little more flour into the sifter and sifted it into the bowl.

Alex smiled and kissed her on the cheek. "Aw, you even sifted it for me."

"Just thought I'd make things a little easier for you."

"You're amazing, you know that?" Alex asked, bringing a flour-laden finger down her cheek.

Olivia smirked and wiped away the flour. "So I've been told."

When the batter was ready a few minutes later, Alex poured some onto the griddle. "Look how perfect those look."

"I'm just worried about the taste," Olivia teased.

"Be nice or I won't make you any fresh orange-banana juice," Alex said. She gave Olivia the spatula and pulled out the juicer.

Olivia looked at the machine. "That looks intense."

"It extracts 8 ounces of juice in five seconds," Alex said with a grin. 

"Don't hurt yourself now," Olivia teased.

"You flip the pancakes and I'll make the juice."

After making the juice, she handed Olivia a glass. "How does it taste?"

Olivia took a sip and said, "This is delicious."

"Happy to oblige," Alex said. "Now how about some eggs benedict?"

"Damn, Alex, you're pulling out all the stops aren't you?" Olivia asked.

"When's the last time you had a full breakfast?"

"Good point."

"Besides, everyone at the station can drool when you tell them what you ate," Alex added.

"Pretty confident, aren't you, Cabot?"

Alex smiled at her and went to get more ingredients out of the refrigerator. "I didn't hear any complaints the last time I cooked for you."

Olivia laughed and took her glass of juice to the bar. "Don't flatter yourself."

A few minutes later, Alex put a plate in front of her that contained eggs benedict, sweet potato pancakes, and fresh strawberries. "Wow, Alex, this looks absolutely wonderful."

"I aim to please. Come on. Let's take our food outside."

Olivia got up and followed Alex out to the terrace outside the living room. "I can't think of a better place to have breakfast."

Alex smiled at her and sat down. "Neither can I." She held up her glass of juice to toast Olivia. "To a wonderful weekend and a spectacular woman."

"Likewise," Olivia said, making the toast. 

"Oh, I'm starving!" Alex exclaimed as she dug into her food.

"The eggs benedict is really good," Olivia said, spearing a piece of Canadian bacon and dipping it into the Hollandaise sauce.

Alex got up to pour some syrup on Olivia's pancakes. "Now try the pancakes."

Olivia cut into her pancakes and took a bite. "Perfect."

Alex grinned. "I just knew you'd love 'em."

"Proud of yourself, huh?"

"I'm always proud when I make you happy," she responded.

Olivia smiled as she noticed the bright sun glinting off Alex's hair. "If you keep feeding me like this, maybe I'll have to come around more often."

"Well, in that case, I'll make eggplant parmesan sometime this weekend," Alex promised her. "And once you've tasted mine, you'll definitely wanna keep coming back."

"You know how much I love that," Olivia said. "It's not fair to bribe me with it."

"All's fair in love and war," Alex said, smiling at her over the rim of her glass. 

* * *

"So how was last night?" Elliot asked, handing Olivia a coffee.

"It was good," Olivia replied, nodding her thanks.

"Did you two get anything resolved?"

"A little bit. We—" Olivia began.

Casey walked into the squadroom at that moment. "Petrovsky is allowing Gabriel Thomason to plead not guilty by reason of self defense."

"Are you serious? That's a bunch of crap," Olivia protested.

"How is a self-defense plea gonna fly in court?" Fin demanded.

"Under the theories of imminent harm and greater danger. Carolyn claims Gabriel was saving the entire gay community from Lydon and Robin's dangerous sexual behavior."

"That's a stretch—even for someone like Carolyn Maddox. How's she getting away with that?" Fin asked.

"I don't know," Casey responded. "This is ludicrous. But Petrovsky said a jury should hear it."

"That's messed up. Sometimes I wonder if that woman has all her marbles," Fin mumbled, walking away.

"You're not the only one," Casey replied. "But I doubt the jury's gonna buy it." She picked up her briefcase and walked toward Cragen's office.

Elliot stood up. "Let's go upstairs so we have a little more privacy."

Olivia followed Elliot upstairs to the crib. She sat down on a bunk and took a sip of her coffee. "So as I was saying before we were interrupted, we started making some headway. We watched a movie, talked about the effects of her shooting on both of us, and went to bed."

"Went to bed?" Elliot asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Not in the way you're thinking. Separate beds. Well, I let her sleep beside me after we woke up in the middle of the night and had another talk. She told me she just wanted to make things right and heal my broken heart. I told her it was gonna take time and I wanted to go along at my own pace. But within moments of being together, we fell back into our old routine. We were joking and cuddling like it was a normal night when we were dating. It just seems too soon."

"So how do you feel about that?"

"I dunno, El. Half of me wants to take her into my arms and kiss her and the other half wants to get as far away from her as is humanly possible," Olivia sighed. "I really did enjoy myself, though, so you can guess which half won out."

"Are you going back over there tonight?" he asked.

"I told her this morning that I'd be back and I'd spend the weekend. And she promised to make my favorite dish."

Elliot laughed. "The way to your heart is through your stomach. So what is it? Smitten parmesan? Whipped a la mode?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Knock it off, El. She did make me a delicious breakfast, though."

"I'm glad you guys are off to a good start again," Elliot told her.

"I don't feel the level of hostility I had towards her anymore, but we're hardly ok."

"Well, work on being friends again."

"You know…Alex broke my heart into a million pieces. But each individual little fragment still loves her just as much as before. I still feel so drawn to her and despite not wanting to get too into this, I feel excited when I'm around her. I don't understand it."

"Well, as Pascal said, 'The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing,'" Elliot responded.

Olivia smirked. "Munch would love to hear you quoting Pascal."

Elliot chuckled. "We can learn something from everybody."

"I am really glad about one thing, though."

"What's that?"

"We're starting to get some closure about her shooting. There were a lot of open wounds left for both of us and I think some healing is long overdue."

"There's a time for everything."

Olivia laughed and rolled her eyes. "Well, aren't you just a regular philosopher today?"

"I've just been doing a lot of thinking lately about Kathy and the kids."

Olivia smiled sympathetically and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Everything will be ok. This is your weekend with the kids, right?"

"Yeah."

"Anything special planned?"

"Maybe we'll watch a couple movies. Then we'll probably play some poker and I'll serve as referee between Elizabeth and Dickie."

Olivia chuckled. "Sounds like good quality time."

"Yeah. You don't realize how much in life you take for granted until you don't have it anymore."

"I guess Alex has been doing a lot of thinking in that area herself. She told me that the greatest mistake she ever made was letting me go and she'd just be happy to have me in her life again in any way she could."

"She's trying to atone."

"You haven't been to confession in awhile, have you?" Olivia asked with a grin.

"No," Elliot responded solemnly. "It's been almost 2 years."

Cragen stuck his head in the door. "If you two are through bonding, there are perps to collar. A vendor just spotted a guy fitting Anderson's description in Central Park. So get a move on it!"

Olivia and Elliot glanced briefly at each other before rushing down the stairs. "So much for quality time," Olivia muttered under her breath. Elliot chuckled and shook his head behind her. 

* * *

Olivia was sitting at her desk later on that afternoon when her cell phone rang. It was Alex. "Hey," she said softly.

"Hey. Listen, when do you think you can get outta there?"

"Well, hopefully within an hour. We caught a perp earlier and DNA's gonna close the case."

"Great," Alex replied. "Well, I have a surprise for you. How about I meet you at the station in 45 minutes?"

Olivia was curious about what the surprise was but decided to wait until she saw Alex in person. "That sounds good."

"Ok. I'll see you soon," Alex said.

"Bye," Olivia replied, hanging up.

"Alex?" Elliot asked across from her.

"Yep. She says she has a surprise for me."

"A surprise? I wonder what she has up her sleeve."

"I guess I'll soon find out," Olivia replied.

About 45 minutes later, she walked outside the precinct to find Alex waiting for her. Alex opened the passenger side door of her car and gestured for Olivia to get in. "Wow, Alex…what made you decide to go home and get your car?"

"Special occasion tonight," Alex said. She went around to the other side and got behind the wheel. 

"So what's this special occasion?" Olivia asked after they were buckled in.

"I got us tickets to Spamalot," Alex replied, waving the tickets in Olivia's face.

Olivia's mouth dropped open. "Alex…you didn't have to—"

"Well, you said you really wanted to see the play, and we both love theater, so…" Alex said with a big grin.

_Oh shit, what am I getting myself into? _Olivia wondered. _What is Alex going to expect for this? _"How the hell did you get front row tickets on such short notice?"

Alex smiled. "I called in a little favor." 

"Alex, these must've cost you a fortune!" Olivia exclaimed.

"Don't sweat it. Now we'll drop by your place so we can shower and get changed. My dress is hanging in back. I made dinner reservations at The Water Club for 5:30. From there, we need to head immediately to the Schubert. Our show is at 8." 

"What would you have done if I'd caught another case and had to stay late?"

"Beg Cragen to let another set of detectives take over."

Olivia shook her head and laughed. "You're somethin' else, Cabot."

Alex glanced over at her and replied, "I try." 

* * *

Olivia walked out of her bathroom and turned around to model her dress for Alex. The jersey halter navy dress stopped a few inches above the knee. "How do I look?"

Alex stood up from Olivia's bed and walked up to her. "_Wow_. I've never seen a more gorgeous woman in my life. That dress hugs your curves perfectly." She licked her lips. "And what nice curves they are."

Olivia blushed. "I guess flattery is one of your strong suits."

"You're breathtaking," Alex breathed, looking her up and down again.

"Thanks," Olivia responded humbly. "By the way, I left the shower running for you."

Alex grabbed her garment bag and walked to the bathroom. "I'll be out in a few."

Alex came out dressed in a black, strapless silk georgette gown with a beaded lace bodice. Olivia admired how the gown flowed down her long body. "You look perfect in that, sweetie. Turn around, let me see the back."

Alex turned around to face the mirror. "How do you think I should wear my hair?"

Olivia went up behind her and swept up her hair. "See how pretty that is? You could pin it up like this or maybe add a little curl and let it down."

Alex grinned. "What do you think will look best?"

"Put it up," Olivia told her.

"Are you sure, Liv?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Olivia asked curiously.

"I…I guess I'm still just a little self-conscious about my scars," Alex confessed quietly.

"Sweetie, I've told you time and time again how beautiful they are."

"I know and I'm fine around you…it's just that I feel uncomfortable with strangers seeing them."

"No one will even notice." She turned Alex around to face her and placed her hands on her upper arms. "Come on. Will you do it for me?"

Alex gazed into those deep chocolate brown eyes and felt herself melting. "Yes," she answered earnestly.

"Thank you," Olivia replied, removing her hands.

"Um…Liv?"

"What's that?"

"Will you put your arms around my neck? I miss the feeling," Alex explained.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex's neck. "Like this?"

"Yes, just like that," Alex replied, closing her eyes in contentment. She loved it when Olivia hugged her neck. The weight of her arms was just right. When she would laugh, she would throw her head back and link her fingers right at the base of her neck. Alex would in turn wrap her arms tighter around Olivia's waist.

After a few minutes, Alex took her hand and went into the bathroom. "So many products to choose from here in your salon," she joked.

Olivia smiled. "Of course."

Alex ran some sculpting lotion through her hair and then swept it up into a chignon. "Can you add some pins for me?"

"Sure," Olivia replied. She stepped aside and smiled at her in the mirror. "You look _so _gorgeous."

Alex picked up a brush and ran it through Olivia's hair. "Your hair is so soft. I'm always amazed that it still looks good at the end of the day after you've been out manhandling perps."

Olivia laughed. "Mousse is the trick." She picked up some and ran it through her hair as Alex continued to brush.

"Let's have one dance before we go," Alex proposed, turning toward her hopefully.

"What are we gonna dance to?" Olivia asked.

"Let's pop one of your CDs in," Alex suggested.

"Ok," Olivia said. She led her into the living room. Then she went over to her entertainment system and picked out a Chris Isaak CD from the shelf. She popped it into the changer and offered a hand to Alex. "Shall we?"

"Yes," Alex said, accepting her hand. 

Olivia pulled her close and wrapped her arms around her neck as "Wicked Game" started playing. She gently swayed them back and forth. "I love this song," she whispered.

"It's beautiful," Alex commented, staring into her eyes and rubbing her hands up and down her back.

_The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.  
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.  
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.  
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you._

_No, I don't wanna fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)  
No, I don't wanna fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)  
With you.  
With you. (This world is only gonna break your heart)_

_What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.  
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.  
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way.  
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you._

_And I wanna fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)  
No, I wanna fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)  
With you._

_The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.  
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.  
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you.  
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you. _

_No, I wanna fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)  
No, I wanna fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)  
With you. (This world is only gonna break your heart)  
With you. (This world is only gonna break your heart)  
No, I... (This world is only gonna break your heart)  
(This world is only gonna break your heart)_

_Nobody loves no one._

"I love you," Alex whispered once the song had ended.

Olivia smiled. "We should get going."

Alex picked up her clutch. "After you, my dear." She followed Olivia out, admiring her finely sculpted legs. "I'm going to have to fight all the men off you tonight," she teased as they walked to the elevator. 

"You better be glad I don't have my cuffs on me or I'd have to arrest ya for assaulting those poor fellas," Olivia teased back.

Alex laughed. "Well, you do look captivating. And in case the play is boring, I can always just stare at those sexy legs."

Olivia wiped a finger against the side of Alex's mouth. "Got it."

"Got what?" Alex asked in confusion.

"That drool that was coming out your mouth," Olivia laughed.

"Good one, Benson," Alex replied with a roll of her eyes. Nevertheless, a smile started to curl at her lips.

As they were in traffic, Alex turned to her and said, "I hear the halibut is to die for."

"I think I'm more in the mood for duck."

"I also hear they have some delicious eggplant fries."

"Spoiling me with eggplant all weekend, Counselor?"

"You deserve to be spoiled." She reached out to rub her knee and got lost in the depths of her eyes again. Horns started blaring behind them.

Olivia chuckled. "Alex, are you gonna continue making goo-goo eyes at me all night or try to move through traffic?"

Alex laughed and put her foot on the gas again. "I'm very good at multi-tasking, so perhaps I'll do both."

"Whatever floats your boat." 

* * *

"So how'd you like it?" Alex asked Olivia when the play was over. 

"It was everything I thought it'd be," Olivia replied. "Thank you so much."

"No problem," Alex said. She looked around her. "Gosh, it's so crowded! God knows when we'll be able to get outta here."

"Yeah, it's a good thing we already ate dinner," Olivia muttered. She turned to her and placed a hand on her back. "But this was all well worth it."

"I agree. Thank you for a wonderful evening," Alex responded. "This is the best night I've had in two months."

"Thank _you_," Olivia replied. "Now let's concentrate on the easiest way to get outta here." She pulled out her badge and held it up. "Excuse me, NYPD. NYPD, coming through."

Alex laughed behind her. "Should I get out my ADA badge as well?"

Olivia turned to her as people started clearing a path for them. "Nah, I think I got it covered."

Once they were outside, Alex smiled and said, "That works every time."

"Yeah, all those years of being a detective certainly has its perks."

When they returned to Alex's apartment, Olivia threw her clutch and wrap on the coffee table and fell back on the sofa. "Boy, am I exhausted."

Alex gently pulled off Olivia's heels and began massaging her feet. "Hey, I'll fix you a hot bath. The jets in my jacuzzi are enough to make you orgasm."

Olivia waggled her eyebrows. "Now that's an offer I can't refuse."

"Trust me, you'll never wanna get out."

"Well, if it feels as good as what you're doing right now, then I'm in for quite a treat," Olivia mumbled, closing her eyes and leaning back against the cushions.

A few minutes later, they went upstairs to Alex's bathroom. Alex handed her a silk robe and said, "Now put this on and let me take care of you tonight."

Olivia watched as Alex started up the jacuzzi. "I definitely won't have any problems sleeping tonight."

Alex turned around and smiled. "Neither will I." She dipped a hand into the water and said, "Just right. Ok, strip down." 

"You just wanna see me naked again, Counselor," Olivia joked. She let her robe drop to the floor.

Alex immediately felt a throbbing in her center as she watched the muscles in Olivia's back ripple with each movement. It was all she could do to keep herself from walking right over to her and rubbing her hands all over her back. She let her eyes drop down to her firm, supple ass. A slight shiver ran through her body. _Oh, the things I'd love to do to her right now, _Alex thought.

Olivia turned her head to look over her shoulder. "Like what you see?"

"Uh, uh...I was j-just..." Alex stuttered. She stood there with her mouth agape as Olivia turned fully around to face her. _Dear god, look at that luscious body!_

Olivia chuckled. "I'm sure you were." She stood there for a couple more seconds to let Alex take in her full body before stepping into the jacuzzi. Leaning back, she moaned, "Oh, Alex, you were right! These jets _are_ orgasmic!"

"Ready for your bubbles?" Alex asked, picking up the bottle and continuing to stare at Olivia's naked body under the water.

"I am," Olivia responded. She slid down farther into the water. "And I thought your shower heads were great, but clearly, they've got nothing on this jacuzzi."

Alex poured a little of the bubble bath in and watched regretfully as the bubbles started covering each inch of Olivia's olive skin.

Olivia noticed that Alex seemed to be lost in her thoughts again. "Alex, the bubbles are overflowing," she alerted her with a shit-eating grin.

Alex shook her head quickly and turned off the jets. "Oh, sorry. I hope those are enough bubbles for you."

"Plenty," Olivia assured her. 

"Do you mind if I sit and read?" Alex asked.

Olivia smirked. "Be my guest."

Alex returned with her novel. Sitting down in a chair across from Olivia, she put on her glasses and opened up her book.

"Whatcha readin'? How to seduce my ex-girlfriend under the false pretense of a hot bath?" she teased.

"If I wanted to do that, then I'd be in there with you," Alex replied with a sly grin. "And just so you know, I'm reading Faulkner."

"Which one?"

"_Sanctuary_."

"Ah, that's a good one. Dark, but good."

"Yeah."

"Shouldn't you be reading something a little happier?" Olivia asked.

"You're my happiness," Alex answered.

"Good to know," Olivia replied. She held out her hand. "Why don't you put Faulkner down and wash my back?"

Alex picked up the sponge and let the water drizzle down Olivia's back. "Does that feel good?"

"Very much so."

"You know…after tonight, I feel sorta like Cinderella. I'm just afraid the clock will strike twelve and this will all be over," Alex said.

Olivia smiled. "Well, aren't you the romantic one."

"I can't help it when I'm around you. Dinner was perfect, the play was perfect…you're perfect."

"Alex, remember what I said about moving at my own pace?"

"I know, I know. But I mean every single word I say. I'm not just trying to butter you up."

Olivia gave a lopsided grin. "Well, it's just hard to stay mad at you when you're being so sweet."

"I'm sorry I wasn't this way all the time."

Olivia laughed. "Ma'am, where have you stashed the real Alex Cabot?"

Alex laughed, too. "This is the real me. Anything else is just...a façade."

Olivia's smile slightly faded. "I know. And that's the sad part, Alex."

Alex swallowed hard. "It hurts to know that you're disappointed in me."

Olivia brought a soapy finger down her cheek. "Well, you still have some redeeming qualities peeking around the corner," she teased.

About 20 minutes later, Olivia stepped out of the tub. Alex presented her with a warm towel. "So did the bath live up to your expectations?"

"Yes," Olivia replied, drying off.

"Well, I'm gonna take a quick shower and then I'll come and keep you company. May I sleep with you again tonight?" 

"You're not gonna steal the covers, are you? Or my pillow?"

Alex grinned. "I promise I'll be good."

Olivia saw the twinkle in her eye. "Oh, I'm sure."

Alex joined Olivia a little while later in a blue satin slip nightgown. Olivia turned to her and smiled. "A little less casual tonight, huh?"

"Well, sometimes I like to go casual, sometimes I like to go sophisticated."

"I like the nightie. Sophisticated sexy suits you well."

Alex pulled the covers up over them. "It's comfortable, too." She cuddled up to Olivia and threw a hand across her stomach. "And so are you."

Olivia looked down at her. "So I've been told."

Alex leaned up on an elbow and said breathlessly, "I'm going to die if I don't get to kiss you tonight."

"Really now?"

Alex blushed. "I mean…I can understand if you'd rather not because—"

"One kiss is ok," Olivia interrupted. "But nothing below the chin."

"Aw, you're no fun," Alex joked, leaning in to nibble on her bottom lip. After holding Olivia's gaze briefly, she closed her eyes, tilted her head, and enveloped her mouth. Olivia shifted her weight and placed a hand at the small of Alex's back as she returned the kiss. She ran her toes over Alex's foot and up her leg. 

A moan escaped Alex's throat. "Oh, Liv." She massaged Olivia's warm scalp as she captured her lips over and over again.

When Olivia threw her head back, Alex's lips made their way to her neck before she could stop herself. She felt Olivia's hot pulse throbbing against her lips. She flicked her tongue out against it to taste her soft skin. Olivia chuckled and opened her eyes. "You said you'd be good."

Alex pretended to pout. "What if I wanna be a little naughty?"

"Then you'll sleep in your own bed," Olivia told her.

Alex laughed. "You know…only you can push me around in my own house."

"Had to let you know who's boss," Olivia teased. She tucked an arm around Alex's waist.

"I don't mind it when you take control."

Olivia smirked. "I'll keep that in mind." She rubbed a hand over Alex's hair. "You know…it's not that I didn't enjoy it, I just didn't want it to go too far."

"I understand," Alex said. "I guess I just got a little carried away."

Olivia played with one of the spaghetti straps to Alex's nightgown. "I guess so." She reached out and turned off the lamp. "Well, time to get some shuteye."

"I agree," Alex said, sighing contently and snuggling up to Olivia again. "Have a good night."

"You, too." 

"I will since I'm with you," Alex whispered with a smile.


	14. Scarred

**Chapter 14: Scarred**

"So what was the big surprise?" Elliot asked Saturday morning.

"She took me to dinner at The Water Club and then to see Spamalot."

"Wow…nice. Spamalot…wasn't that the play you were gonna see with what's his face?"

"Yeah."

"So how was it?"

"Great," Olivia said with a tight smile.

Elliot noticed her reservation. "Did something else happen?"

"We kissed—again," Olivia replied with a strained sigh.

"I thought you said yesterday it seemed too soon."

"Yeah, yeah I know. But it's easier said than done when the woman you love is right in your face and piling on the charm."

Elliot chuckled softly. "Yeah, I know the feeling. But as long as she doesn't get you in bed…"

Olivia scoffed. "The Siren won't get that far, I promise you. I can sleep beside her without sleeping with her."

"I don't know of anyone who could refuse that woman."

Olivia glared at him. Elliot grinned. "Whoops, did I say that out loud?"

"You're looking at her," Olivia snapped.

Elliot held up his hands in surrender. "Whoa there, Liv. I was just making a joke."

Olivia decided to brush his comment off. "She's starting to chip away at the wall around my heart again. I don't like it."

"In a way I think you do."

"I don't need this right now, El. She can't stomp all over my heart and then expect me to fall right back into her arms. She damn well doesn't deserve it," Olivia said bitterly. This battle between her head and her heart wasn't getting any easier, and at the moment she didn't know if she was angrier with herself or Alex for letting things be that way.

"Sometimes I don't know who is more stubborn—you or Alex."

"It's not about being stubborn, Elliot. It's about protecting myself from being hurt again. And every single time I think of a reason to put on the brakes, Alex makes some persuasive argument to keep me sticking around. I don't know why in the world I agreed to stay with her this entire weekend."

"Well, she's a lawyer, what do you expect?" Elliot asked with a smirk.

"And it's not that I don't want to repair things between us. I do—just at a much slower pace. But it's like we went from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds."

"She did do a helluva lot to hurt you, Liv, so maybe she's overcompensating in her efforts to make things right?"

"Yeah, that's probably it. But it doesn't mean I have to accept everything so easily."

"But when you're with her, are you happy?"

Olivia paused for a few moments before answering. It was the same question Alex had asked her the previous morning. "Yes."

Elliot smiled. "Then that's all that matters. Follow your heart and the rest will follow."

* * *

That evening Alex noticed that Olivia was somewhat distant towards her. She turned her attention away from the program they were watching on tv and moved closer to her on the couch. "Is something bothering you, sweetie?" she asked, doing those lazy circles on Olivia's thigh that drove her absolutely wild.

Olivia groaned inwardly. _Here we go, _she thought. "I'm just thinking that we've been too close lately."

Alex swallowed hard. She had feared that was the cause of Olivia's reservation but secretly hoped that it was just a stressful day at work. She moved back. "Liv…I'm sorry for coming on so strong these past couple days. It was not my intention at all to make you uncomfortable."

"I know, Alex. I don't want to seem ungrateful—"

"No, I don't think you are at all. But I should've been more mindful of how this would all affect you before just jumping into things."

"It's all a little hard to swallow, I guess. I'd like to take a step back so I can just process everything."

Alex nodded. "I understand completely. Well, I'll just get started on that dinner I promised you then."

Amidst the acceptance in her voice, Olivia also noticed the pain and disappointment. "Is there anything I can do to help?" she asked.

Alex shook her head. "I think I have everything under control." She went into the kitchen and started pulling out ingredients. She fought back the tears that threatened to surface. She didn't want to cry because Olivia would hear her and she didn't want to make her feel guilty. She couldn't believe she'd been so stupid. In her heart, she had already reclaimed Olivia as her girlfriend, even though in her head she knew that they were nothing of the sort. _Geez, I hope I haven't fucked up everything between us._

Back in the den, Olivia leaned back against the sofa and placed her hands on her forehead. She hadn't wanted to hurt her feelings. Elliot's words echoed in her head. _Follow your heart and the rest will follow. _But was that really the best decision at this point? She didn't want to start following her heart if Alex was going to turn around and begin following her mind again. And although she was now uncomfortable with the closeness they'd exhibited the past couple days, she would have preferred that any day over the tension that had floated between them for almost two months. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to get up from the sofa and join Alex in the kitchen.

Alex turned to her with a look of surprise. "Liv, you didn't have to—"

Olivia held up a hand to stop her. "No, but I wanted to. Listen, I think I should clarify something. I want to be comfortable with you but not _too_ comfortable, ok?"

Alex smiled. "Ok." She finished chopping up her vegetables and pushed them to the side of the cutting board. "So how was your day today?"

"Good, but tiring as usual. How was yours?"

"Hectic as usual."

Olivia chuckled and sat down on a stool. "I hope we're not relegated to small talk now."

Alex stirred more vegetables into her tomato sauce. "That wouldn't be much fun, now would it?"

"I'd think not." She got up to pour a glass of water from the refrigerator dispenser and returned to Alex's side. "You look tired. Why don't you go lie down for a few and finish up later?"

"Nah, I'm fine. We'll sleep well after our stomachs are full. So what do you want to do on your day off tomorrow?"

"Maybe we can go to the Met."

Alex grinned. "Sounds great."

"Yeah, I just hope I don't get called in on a case."

"Let's not jinx ourselves," Alex said, placing her slices of eggplant in a frying pan.

"That smells really good already," Olivia complimented, her mouth watering.

"Taste the sauce," Alex told her, dipping her spoon into it and then holding it out to Olivia.

Olivia tasted the sauce and then licked her lips. "Mmm. That is perfect."

"Does it need anything else?" Alex asked.

Olivia shook her head. "Not at all."

Several minutes later, Alex began layering her eggplant, sauce, and cheeses in a baking dish. Olivia opened the oven door so Alex could slide the dish in. Alex wiped her hands on a towel and dragged the back of one hand across her brow. "Who knew that cooking could work up such a sweat?"

Olivia laughed. "I'm sure it'll all be well worth it in the end."

Alex looked off to the side thoughtfully. "Yeah."

* * *

After they had finished eating dinner, Olivia put her fork down on her plate and said satisfactorily, "Alex, that was absolutely the best eggplant parmesan I've ever had."

Alex blushed lightly. "Why, thank you, Liv." She cleared away their dinner plates and then poured Olivia another glass of red wine. "Let's go into the den."

Olivia stood and silently followed Alex into the den. She set her glass down on the coffee table and leaned back on the sofa. "So what's next on the agenda?"

Alex sat down beside her and curled her legs underneath herself. "Well, we can channel surf or watch a movie if you want."

Olivia took a sip of her wine. "A movie actually sounds better."

Alex stood up and browsed her DVD collection. "Let's watch _Aimée & Jaguar_."

"What's it about?" Olivia asked, putting a pillow behind her to get comfortable.

"Two women fall in love, one a Nazi wife and the other a Jew, in Berlin during World War II."

"Hmm…that sounds like a recipe for disaster."

Alex offered a wry smile. "Well, the tagline is 'Love transcends death.'"

When the movie ended, they were both in tears. "That movie was so poignant," Olivia remarked.

"The most tragic thing about this is that it was a true story, too," Alex replied. "Felice took the ultimate risk and sadly, it cost her her life."

"Do you think she should have fled Germany with her friends or stayed with Lilly?" Olivia asked, studying Alex's expression carefully.

"That's hard to say because we've never lived in such a perilous time. So if I had been in her situation, I don't know what I would've done," Alex responded quietly, her eyes downcast. She looked up at Olivia again and placed a hand over hers. "But I know that if I was going to leave, I wouldn't have without saying goodbye."

Olivia nodded. "Well, I can appreciate what she did. If she'd left, she may have never seen Lilly again. So I guess in Felice's eyes, it was better to risk dying one death than to die everyday without her."

Alex reached for another tissue. "I know the feeling."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Olivia broke the silence with a change of subject. "You know…I remember when Branch made the announcement on the news that you had died. He talked about what an asset you were to the community, how many victims you'd fought to get justice for, and how they were all determined to catch your murderer. People at the DA's office were wearing black ribbons, but I covered my badge with a black band because you deserved the honor. I knew some cops viewed that as something that was sacrosanct to members of the force only, but breaking tradition didn't bother me because in my eyes, you were as much a part of the force as Elliot or any other cop. If it hadn't been for you, all the criminals we caught never would've been brought to justice."

Alex was speechless for a moment. When she finally found her voice, she asked, "You did that for me?"

"Yes."

"Oh, Liv," she said, grabbing her and hugging her. No one on Earth could love her more than this woman. She pulled back and sighed deeply. "I remember that today was the day of our meeting."

Olivia nodded. "Yeah. Earlier that evening we'd stopped by the funeral home. The funeral director told us that only your immediate family was allowed to view your body. To everyone else, it was closed casket. I was so hurt because I wanted to see you and say goodbye. But I didn't say anything to your mother because I knew I had no right and I didn't want to go against her wishes and be disrespectful. Then we went back to the squadroom. The place was frozen in silence. Then again, what could anyone say? Talking wouldn't bring you back. I was out of my mind with grief. Elliot had the late edition of the Ledger on his desk and I can remember the headline as plain as day—'No leads on slain ADA.' Then Elliot and I were given that message about closing out the case…"

"Sweetie, c'mere," Alex prompted softly, pulling Olivia into her arms again.

Olivia took comfort in Alex's deep embrace. She drew in a shaky breath. "I thought I'd never feel your arms around me again."

Alex gave her a kiss on the cheek and squeezed her tighter. After a few more minutes, she pulled back to gaze intently into her eyes. "Well, now we don't have to worry about that again." She paused for a few seconds before asking solemnly, "Liv…I know this is hard, but what was my…funeral like?"

"It was the most beautiful funeral I've ever been to," Olivia replied, fighting back tears. "It wasn't as hard as it would have been since I'd just seen you the night before, but it was still very painful. There were these blown-up pictures of you on either side of your casket. I remember it was dark cherry. I got up and spoke some words on your behalf, as did Liz, Elliot, Cragen, Munch, and Fin. I looked out over the crowd when I was speaking and my heart was just filled with warmth as I thought, 'Wow, she was loved by so many.' The church was packed wall to wall."

"Oh, Liv," Alex breathed, reaching out to squeeze her hand.

Olivia offered a weak smile before continuing. "And then we stood out at the cemetery as the minister committed your body to the ground. I remember throwing a handful of dirt on your coffin. And although I knew you were alive, that still didn't stop the tears from flowing. It was still a loss because you weren't there physically with us anymore. My heart just broke to see all the other officers dressed in full uniform standing at attention as the bagpipes played. Then we all saluted you. It was kinda hard to imagine that you weren't really dead in that atmosphere. I had to keep telling myself that the coffin was empty, it wasn't you, you were really safe and sound, and it was a secret I was prepared to take to my grave if I had to."

"I am so sorry," Alex said, brushing her cheek. "I just cried so much that day because I knew there were so many people who would be mourning my death and paying their last respects. It was like I was deceiving all of them. It just wasn't fair."

Olivia wiped the warm tears away from Alex's face. "You had to do it. If you hadn't, there was a chance Velez would try again until he succeeded."

"I just wish I could go back in time and erase it all," Alex cried. "Those are _two years_ of my life I'll never get back! And I think about all those moments I could've shared with my mom if only…I couldn't even go to her funeral when she died and—"

"Shh…don't think about that. It's over. It's all over now," Olivia comforted her, pulling her close and rubbing her back.

"How do I ever fill such a huge void?" Alex continued. "I may have been released from the program, but these things will haunt me for the rest of my life."

"It will all get better with time," Olivia assured her.

Suddenly Alex's phone began ringing. Olivia and Alex both frowned when they saw on the caller I.D. that it was Jim. Alex rolled her eyes and flipped open her cell. "Hello?"

"Hi, Alexandra. I was just wondering if you wanted to get together sometime this weekend and hang out," Jim proposed hopefully.

Olivia rolled her eyes and tried to suppress a groan. Alex noticed and gave Olivia's knee a reassuring squeeze. "Jim, I'm sorry but I can't. I have plans."

"Plans?" Jim asked.

"Yeah. Listen, I have to go. I'll see you at the office, ok?"

Jim couldn't keep the disappointment out of his voice. "Ok. Well, have fun. Bye."

Alex ended the call and turned off her phone. "Sorry about that. But don't worry. There will be no more interruptions."

Olivia forced a smile. "I'm sure." She shook her hair out of her face and began, "Alex…may I ask you something?"

"Sure, Liv."

"Why Jim? I mean…why not some guy you met in a bar or somewhere else?"

Alex sighed. "Because we already had a connection when I joined the bureau. I wanted to feel comfortable. I've known him for almost seven years now. He's a good friend. He's someone I can trust."

"Aren't you afraid of this potentially ruining your work relationship with him? What are you gonna say if he starts to fall for you?"

"I made it clear to him that I just wanted sex, nothing more. And if he can't accept that, I'm still his boss, so he still has to show me respect at the office."

Olivia smirked. "I did the same thing with Cassidy and that didn't stop him."

"Well, he's already asked for more before, but each time I've reminded him of what we agreed to."

"Alex, this is only going to add to your problems. Ever hear of a little thing called unrequited love? If he's already asking for more, that means he has feelings for you and you need to end things. How many hearts do you plan on breaking?" Olivia demanded, raising her voice and standing up. "Are we all just casualties of the war you have with yourself?"

"I'm not trying to break anymore hearts, Liv. I just wanted to feel something besides the cold," Alex desperately explained to her. "I felt so…_dead_ without you. All the stress I'd felt before just became that much more apparent when you were gone. Work became more of a hassle and it just got harder to cope with all my emotional scars from the program…sometimes I feel like a whirlwind is going on inside me and I just want to make it stop. And it's definitely not any easier being in the closet. He just seemed like the best of no good choices, the lesser of evils."

"It's not going to eradicate your pain or your problems. It only momentarily helps you forget," Olivia said, looking down and shaking her head.

"You're right; it temporarily gives me reprieve from whatever turmoil I'm facing. And he gets rid of an overwhelming feeling of loneliness I get sometimes. But with Jim and every other guy I've been with, sex has been nothing more than a means to an end, something done to satisfy me in the heat of the moment. It's not something I savor afterwards. But with you, it means everything. I feel complete. I feel alive."

Olivia sighed and sat back down on the sofa. She felt the same way Alex did, but she didn't want to encourage her. Alex moved closer to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Don't be mad at me, Liv."

Olivia jerked her head up. "How can I not be?"

"Liv, it's not like I left you for him. You and I broke up before I ever considered sleeping with him. And it's always been you and only you who I love. You know that. It was you I fought to see on this night two years ago—not Jim, Serena, or anyone else, regardless of how long I'd known them. You were the one I couldn't bear to leave without letting you know the truth, even though I knew it could mean certain death for not only me but my mother as well."

"Yeah, but it doesn't make it any easier to stomach."

"I'm sorry this hurts you, Liv. That was never my intention," Alex said, starting to stroke her cheek.

Olivia recoiled as if Alex had cut her. Alex felt a sharp pang of hurt shoot down to her stomach. Acting like she didn't notice the pain that had crossed Alex's face, she stood up and said, "I don't want to talk or think about this anymore. I'm tired. I think I'll turn in."

Alex hated that Olivia had closed up to her again just as quickly as she'd opened up. But she couldn't blame her for reacting in the way she did. She nodded regretfully. "Ok. Good night."

"Same to you," Olivia replied, downing the rest of her wine and heading upstairs.

That night Alex slept in her own bed. She lay on her side and stared out the window. She wanted more than anything to hold Olivia while she slept as she'd done the previous night, but she did not want to overstep her bounds again and push her farther away. She hoped the progress they'd made hadn't been undone by the unpleasant subject of their last conversation. She wondered what the morrow would hold in store for them. Would Olivia be icy to her or warm like she had been? Her stomach was tying itself in knots just thinking about it.

Olivia lay in her bed and stared at the ceiling, hoping sleep would come soon. After a few minutes of lying there, she was no closer to sleep than she'd been before. She grunted and turned over on her side to get more comfortable. She hated that she'd been reminded of the very thing that had made her so upset in the first place. And she wondered that if they were going to be friends again, would they always have to keep their private lives hidden so as not to hurt the other? But more importantly, could she ever forgive Alex for all her mistakes, especially if she kept making the same ones over and over again?

She didn't even know why Alex sleeping with someone else was bothering her as much as it did. God knows they'd endured much more serious circumstances together. She quickly shook her head to clear out her thoughts. She only had one more day with Alex that weekend, so she decided she might as well enjoy it. She'd deal with everything else later and hopefully the quagmire that had been looping through her mind would finally be resolved.


	15. Adagio Sostenuto

**Chapter 15: Adagio Sostenuto**

They strolled into Alex's apartment the next evening in much better spirits. Alex put her coat in the closet and then took Olivia's from her. "A great day at the museum, huh?" she asked Olivia with a bright smile.

Olivia smiled in return. "Definitely. I always love new exhibits."

"Like a kid in a candy store," Alex said, brushing Olivia's hair behind her ear.

Olivia felt warmth surge through her at the simple gesture. Alex slid her hand down to her shoulder. "Do you really have to go home tonight?"

"Alex, you remember that I was only staying the weekend," Olivia told her.

Alex gave a small smile. "I know, I know. But a girl can hope, can't she?" she said, letting her hand drop to her side. "But you can surely stay a couple hours, right?"

Olivia gave Alex the lopsided grin that always made her heart skip a beat. "I guess."

"Good. So what do you wanna do?"

"Whatever you want."

Alex raised an eyebrow and grinned slyly. "Really?"

Olivia laughed and shook her head. "Within reason."

"Well, is holding you within reason?"

Olivia gave her a look. "Do you hold all your friends, Alex?"

Alex sighed. "All right, all right. Point taken. Well, how about we order a pizza?"

"Sounds good," Olivia replied. She sat down on the sofa in the living room and continued eating her Mister Softee.

"Mind if I try yours?" Alex asked.

"Not at all," Olivia said, holding her spoon out for Alex to taste her strawberry sundae.

"I think yours tastes better than mine," Alex replied, licking her lips.

"I used to get these all the time as a kid," Olivia said. "Strawberry's always been my favorite."

"Remember when we'd sometimes stop and get them on the way home from work?"

"Yeah. They came in pretty handy after a tough case."

"I miss those times we shared," Alex murmured nostalgically. She took another bite of her chocolate dipped cone and then offered it to Olivia.

Olivia took a bite and nodded. "Love the chocolate shell."

"Maybe next time I'll get your sundae."

After they'd finished eating their ice cream, Olivia shivered and remarked, "Now I'm cold."

"Ice cream will do that to ya. I think I can warm you up some, though," Alex replied, getting up and leaving the room momentarily. She returned and spread a cashmere throw over their laps. They enveloped themselves in the warmth of the throw and each other.

"You know, for an ice princess, you're not so frosty," Olivia quipped.

"It's because you make me melt," Alex replied, brushing Olivia's cheek lightly.

"You should make a plaque that says, 'Alex Cabot, true romantic.'"

"Well, you do bring out the best in me," Alex replied.

"This throw is mighty cozy," Olivia commented.

"Reminds you of old times, huh?" Alex asked.

Olivia gazed into her eyes. "Yeah."

"Wouldn't it be great if every wonderful moment we shared was placed in a time capsule somewhere? Then we could open it and relive each one," Alex said dreamily.

Olivia smiled. "You're quite a dreamer, aren't you?"

"It's because of you that I have pleasant dreams," Alex replied.

"Are we ever gonna order that pizza?" Olivia asked, abruptly changing the subject. She didn't want the conversation to cross into territory that was too sentimental of their relationship.

Alex laughed. "Sorry, I forgot all about that. I guess we just got so caught up going down memory lane." She reached for the cordless phone. "What do you want? Pepperoni and extra cheese?"

"You remembered my favorite," Olivia answered, secretly pleased.

"I never forget anything about you," Alex replied, calling and placing their order.

"How long before it's ready?" Olivia asked.

"About 30 minutes. But we can do something fun to pass the time. Tell me your favorite memory of childhood," she requested softly.

Olivia paused. Since she had grown up with an alcoholic mother, her childhood hadn't been filled with sunshine and happiness, but she treasured the few pleasant memories she did have. "Well, every year around Christmas, my mom would take me to Rockefeller Center to see the tree. It didn't matter if I'd had a bad day or not, when I saw that tree lit up and sparkling so brightly, it was like magic. I just felt that everything would be ok. I didn't even notice the cold. All I noticed was the tree and all the excited faces smiling around me. To see everyone come together like that was just the most phenomenal experience. I'd never felt so alive. Then we would go ice skating afterwards if it wasn't too crowded. I'd feel such a rush each time I passed Prometheus. One year she gave me the most beautiful pair of skates for Christmas and I couldn't wait to try them out. I fell down a few times, but it was completely worth it. I learned my first tricks in those skates…"

Alex studied her face carefully as she continued talking. The yellow light from the lamp danced in her chocolate depths and her cheeks flushed with warmth. She loved the way her perfect smile wafted up to the corners of her eyes as she became more and more descriptive. It made Olivia that much more beautiful. The way she relayed her story touched a special place in her heart. She could feel Olivia's emotions surging through her own body just as if their minds were intertwined.

"Those were the happiest times of my life. It almost seemed like we were a normal family," Olivia finished, her smile slowly fading.

"That was beautiful, Liv," Alex breathed. "It reminds me of my times at the Rockefeller. We could've been there at the same time and didn't even know it."

Olivia smiled at her. "It's possible."

Alex reached out and squeezed her hand. She was pleasantly surprised when Olivia didn't pull back.

Olivia stared into Alex's eyes and saw within them the raw desire and love, which pulled at her heartstrings like a magnet. She felt like she could fall into the clear blue pools and drown. The quiet times between them were always the hardest. Now here she was—faced with no noise, no distractions, nothing but their unadulterated love for each other. Without thinking, she placed her head on Alex's shoulder to escape. _Shit, wrong move, Benson!_ she thought, trying not to panic. She started to sit up when Alex placed a warm hand on her cheek to gently but firmly hold it in place. She didn't fight her but slowly began to relax instead. They listened to the calming sound of each other's breathing for the longest time, the rise and fall of their chests falling into sync. An eternity could have passed and neither of them would have been the wiser.

Alex's hand moved down to her shoulder and then her side. As she started a gentle stroking rhythm, Olivia felt her breath catch in her chest and her heart start to pound. She expelled the breath she'd been holding as the phone started ringing.

Alex answered the phone. It was the pizza delivery guy. "Ok. I'll tell the concierge to give you clearance."

A couple minutes later the doorbell rang. Alex opened the door and paid him. She brought the box of pizza over and set it down on the coffee table.

"You usually eat in your living room?" Olivia joked.

"My apartment is for living in, isn't it?" Alex asked, winking at her. "Not appearances. Besides, we ate our ice cream here earlier." She opened up the box of pizza. The hot steam hit the air and spread its delicious aromas throughout the room. "Mmm…this smells delightful. Go ahead. Dig in and get a slice."

Olivia picked up a big slice of pizza and took a bite. "This is really good."

Alex smiled. "You've got some cheese on the side of your mouth." She leaned over and wiped away the string.

Olivia laughed. "Thanks."

Alex put her slice down and said, "I'll go get us some sodas. Be right back."

She returned with two tall glasses and handed one to Olivia, who nodded her thanks and took a sip. "Alex, I'm gonna be so full I won't be able to move."

"That's what I was hoping," Alex teased.

"Planning to hold me captive?" Olivia asked.

"No. But only because I know you'd break out of your restraints," Alex replied with a sly grin.

Olivia finished her slice and reached for another. "Am I that predictable?"

When they'd finished eating several minutes later, Alex placed Olivia's head on her shoulder again. "Pinch me, Liv. I want to know that this weekend has been real and not just a figment of my overactive imagination."

Smiling, Olivia pinched her side. Alex let out a tiny yelp. "Convinced it's real now?"

"Yes," Alex said, sifting Olivia's hair through her fingers. "I feel like the luckiest woman in the world."

"Well, if a pinch makes you feel that way, then maybe I'll have to do it more often," Olivia joked.

"Oh, silly. You know what I mean."

Suddenly an idea popped into Olivia's head. She knew that Alex had taken piano and violin lessons for many years in her youth, and she never tired of hearing her play either. She played both wonderfully, but there was something about the way that she took charge of an instrument so vast and turned it into a whole body experience that made it Olivia's favorite to experience. She didn't just play the music, she became it. "How about playing something on the piano for me?"

"What would you like?"

"Anything you want," Olivia replied.

Alex led her over to the piano and sat down. She began to play the first movement of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, _Adagio Sostenuto_. She played the piece with quiet passion, slow and sustained as it was written to be. It was tragic, romantic, beautiful, serene, and sublime. She closed her eyes so she could feel every note as she struck the keys. The visceral emotions bubbled from the depths of her soul and flowed with the utmost poise through her fingers; it was remarkable how the music could transform something so crude and chaotic into something so elegant and organized. Her fingers caressed the keys, making love to each one she touched on a bed of sweet melancholy. She could feel the piece overtaking her, clutching her heart and refusing to let go until the story was told.

Olivia was absolutely amazed at how well Alex could play the piece. She knew it was something that many people struggled with, but Alex played it as perfectly and delicately as some concert pianists she'd heard. She felt chills go down her spine as she watched each beautiful, tormented emotion materialize in her facial expressions. Even the nuances of the piece were not lost on Alex. The inexplicable longing, dissolution, and despair that Alex expressed were so puissant that they permeated the air and flooded Olivia's soul. But there was a warmth to them, a warmth that illuminated the very darkness from which it was embedded. She could feel a tear roll down her cheek as Alex finished the last tortured notes of the sonata. She knew that Alex had expressed every agonizing emotion she'd tried to bury in the past couple years; emotions that mere words alone could not express.

Alex smiled at her as the tears rolled down her own cheeks. "How was that?" she asked humbly.

"Beau—" Olivia's voice broke as she brushed Alex's tears away. "Beautiful."

Alex took her hand and kissed it. "Thank you. The ironic thing about all this is that Beethoven didn't think too highly of it. I, however, think it was his greatest."

"Beethoven would be pleased to have such a wonderful talent playing his music," Olivia complimented.

Alex blushed. "You're too kind."

"You're too good," Olivia responded.

"Not even half as good as Wilhelm Kempff," Alex replied. She took her hand and led her back over to the sofa. "It's been such awhile since I've played. I was worried I'd be a bit rusty."

Olivia let out a soft laugh. "Then you shouldn't worry so much."

Alex smiled. She loved it when Olivia laughed that way. It was so carefree and filled with tenderness. She took Olivia's hand into her lap and rubbed the back of it with her thumb. "This has certainly been an interesting evening."

"I'll say," Olivia responded, looking down and watching the movements of Alex's thumb.

After another hour of talking and laughing with Alex, Olivia looked at her watch. "It's getting late. I should go."

Alex felt her heart sink a little at the announcement. She didn't want her to leave, but she knew that their weekend together had to come to a close at some point in time. "Ok. I'll help you pack your things."

They ascended the stairs to Olivia's room. Alex went into the bathroom to retrieve her things while Olivia removed her clothes from the closet and neatly folded them. She had enjoyed Alex's company during the weekend more than she'd expected and was feeling a bit dismal at the prospect of going back to her lonely apartment.

After helping Olivia pack her things, Alex put the strap of her bag over her shoulder and asked, "Got everything?"

"I think so. But if I forget anything, I can always come back and get it, right?"

Alex gave her a devious smile and pretended to open her bag. "That can be arranged."

Olivia laughed at her. "Oh, no you don't! You're not gonna purposely take my things out just to have me come back tonight!"

Alex laughed in return. "Ah well, it was worth a shot."

They made their way back downstairs. "You know, it felt really good playing for you tonight. Maybe I'll play _Allegretto_ and _Presto Agitato _for you another time," Alex said.

Olivia smiled at her and retrieved her coat from the closet. "I'd like that very much." She took her bag from Alex.

Alex draped her arms across Olivia's shoulders. "I just wanted to let you know what a wonderful time I've had with you this weekend. I wish it could go on forever."

Olivia nodded. "This was the best weekend I've had in a really long time."

"Well, hopefully we can have many more of these in the future. I'll be frank with my intentions. I'm very happy with the progress we've made now. But I don't want friendship to be the endpoint. I hope at some point in the future that we can be more again," she admitted, placing a hand on her cheek.

Olivia sighed. "That depends on you, Alex."

Alex wrinkled her brow. "What do you mean?"

"Things can't be the way they were before."

Alex moved in closer. "And they won't be. I promise. I want you to trust me with your heart."

Olivia shook her head. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Alex."

Alex frowned. "I don't understand. Why are you doubting me?"

"Because I don't want history to repeat itself. As they say, 'once bitten, twice shy.' And because of our past, I don't know if I'll ever fully be able to trust you with my heart again."

"Liv, why are you doing this to me? Holding the past against me?" Alex asked, her heart breaking. "I thought we were starting over."

"It's not the beginning I'm worried about. It's the end."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Alex asked tearfully.

"Alex, can you honestly tell me right now that if push came to shove and you found out, say...tomorrow, that you would lose everything for being with me—your job, any chance of the political future you want, everyone's respect for you—that you would stay with me? Can you honestly tell me you wouldn't break things off again to save it all?"

Alex looked down at the floor as the tears poured down her face for the second time that evening. She couldn't meet her eyes; she felt so much shame. "I-I..."

Olivia raised Alex's chin so that their eyes were level. "Alex, I love you with all my heart, I treasure every second we've spent together, and I _do_ want to be with you...but until we're on the same page, we can't be together," she said regretfully. "I'm sorry." She brushed her lips against Alex's and started to make her exit.

Alex grabbed her arm and begged, "Liv…why can't we just try being discreet again?"

Olivia turned around and sighed heavily. "Alex, I can't deal with the closet."

"We were doing just fine before…" Alex cried.

"Alex, I wanna be able to walk down the street holding hands with the woman I love. I don't want to be introduced at social events as your 'friend.' I don't want to have to witness you going out on dates with men just to save face. I wanna be able to kiss you in public just like any straight couple. I want—need—the security of knowing that when I come home, you'll always be there."

"But you have my heart, my soul, my mind, Liv! Isn't that enough?"

"No, Alex. Not anymore. Listen, uh…" Olivia said, looking down briefly before meeting her eyes again. "I'll keep in touch, ok?"

All Alex could do was nod distractedly. She felt like crumpling to the ground. The wounds that had finally started to heal had been ripped wide open again. She surely hadn't foreseen this ultimatum coming. She might as well have asked her to climb the Empire State Building. Had it been in Olivia's head the entire time? It just didn't seem fair. They had shared so much with each other that weekend that it seemed as if they were one person instead of two. She felt like a part of her had died all over again.

Olivia opened the door and turned to Alex. "Have a good night."

"You, too," Alex replied weakly as the love of her life walked out. She watched her walk down the hall and call the elevator. Forcing a smile, Olivia gave her a solemn wave as the doors of the elevator began to close. Alex lifted her hand to wave back slowly and then shut the door.

Alex dropped onto the sofa and mindlessly stared out the window. After awhile, her physical tears had dried up, but her heart was still crying. She didn't imagine that it would stop anytime soon. But why was she hurting so much? She had told Olivia that she would be happy to have her in her life in any that she could, so she was thankful that Olivia was willing to be friends with her again. So why had it been enough then if it wasn't enough now? Why had she jumped the gun? After all, beggars couldn't be choosers. And more importantly, why could she guarantee everything to Olivia except what she wanted most? She knew that to Olivia her words would be meaningless unless she could back them up with actions. _I can't win for losing, _she thought. Every single time she got her hopes up, they were torn apart like a ship dashing upon hidden rocks and splintering to the four winds. She just would have to find a way to reconcile her heart's desires with the painful reality in her head. But despite everything, she hoped that one day she would have the courage to meet Olivia's wishes so they could be more. But would Olivia still be available and willing when—if—that happened?

* * *

As Olivia sat in the backseat of the taxi, Alex's performance of the Moonlight Sonata played over and over again in her head as she thought of their last few minutes together. Like the sonata, those moments had been bittersweet. They hadn't ended on bad terms and she'd left the door open for friendship, but she still felt unsettled. Why did she feel so guilty about rejecting a relationship with Alex? After all, she'd told Alex ahead of time that she didn't want her getting the wrong idea. But Alex had looked so crushed when she left, and that alone was a stab to her heart. Was it wrong to refuse discretion? She didn't have the political aspirations or social status that Alex had, so she understood that it would be riskier for Alex than herself. Was she being just as selfish as she'd accused Alex of being? 

She ultimately decided that she wasn't because they shouldn't have to cower in the dark like their relationship was somehow inferior to those of others; they weren't second class citizens. Could they reach a compromise at some point in the future? She thought back to how deeply Alex had hurt her and the familiar taste of bitterness hit the back of her throat. She was determined to stay steadfast in her own convictions about not becoming romantically involved again unless she agreed to her terms, and if Alex really loved her, then she'd respect that. So why did she have a sinking feeling that perhaps she'd made the worst mistake of her life?


	16. Blindsided

**Chapter 16: Blindsided**

It had been two weeks and Alex hadn't heard a word from Olivia. She'd called her several times but Olivia neglected to return any of her calls. She had also emailed her a couple times with no response. She began to assume that Olivia really wanted nothing to do with her anymore, despite saying otherwise. This certainly was not how "friends" acted toward one another. She couldn't say she blamed Olivia, but that still didn't make her any less sad or angry. But she wasn't really angry with Olivia, she was angry with herself.

That evening she was locking up her office when Jim came out of his. "Wanna go grab a drink?" he asked. "I know you've been pretty busy these past couple weeks, so I thought maybe you'd wanna unwind somehow."

Alex smiled at him. "Why not?"

"Then maybe we could go back to my place for a little fun," he said, putting an arm around her shoulders expectantly.

Flashing him another smile, Alex tucked an arm around his waist and they started walking out. "Sounds like a fine plan to me."

As they waited for a cab, she contemplated her decision. She hadn't slept with him since before she and Olivia spent their weekend together because she didn't want to do anything to make her retract her offer of friendship. But since Olivia was purposely ignoring her, why should it matter? She was lonely, hurting, and depleted. In the past couple weeks the agony had been growing wildly with no sign of stopping. Work helped her forget but after all was said and done, she was left with her demons. She just wanted to feel some pleasure in the midst of all her pain and stress, and so she needed the escape afforded by Jim again. Besides, if this was her coping mechanism, then who was Olivia or anyone else to discourage her? Olivia had already told her that they'd never be together again unless she came out of the closet, so it wasn't like she had a chance in hell with her romantically anymore. She was tired of defending herself and her actions like she was committing some crime, tired of being made to feel guilty.

Furthermore, she was tired of being blindsided by personal tragedies at every turn, tired of her anguish controlling her life, tired of her heart and emotions ruling her. She was determined to take back control no matter what. Holding in her emotions had always been a finely honed skill—at least in public. Now she needed to master that in private for self-preservation. She had to move on—from her painful past and Olivia. She couldn't continue sitting around stewing in grief and false hope. Just as Branch had told Serena that prosecution had to be cold-blooded, she would have to be, too. At this point, Jim gave her what she was seeking—complete oblivion—if only for a short while, so she was actually pleased with his offer. Until something more fulfilling came along, this would continue to be her remedy of choice.

* * *

A couple days later, Jim asked her out for drinks again. When she accepted, he grinned from ear to ear. "Great. How about Nick's? I know they sometimes have that speed dating thing going on Wednesday nights, but the bar is always clear."

Alex smiled brightly. "Sure."

Several minutes later, they entered Nick's Martini Bar & Lounge, which was bustling with people. "Let's make our way through!" Jim shouted over the noise.

"What can I get for you guys?" the bartender asked.

"I'll have a Corona," Jim told him.

"Scotch on the rocks," Alex said.

While she was stirring her drink, she thought she heard a familiar voice. _Nah, you're just imagining things, _she convinced herself. She downed the rest of her scotch and ordered another drink. "I'd like a martini—extra dry, please."

"Coming right up," the bartender assured her.

As she sipped her martini, she heard the voice again, and this time she knew she wasn't mistaken. She turned around and her heart dropped about two floors when she realized exactly to whom the voice belonged. It was Olivia. She looked drop dead gorgeous. Every part of her oozed sensuality. She had on a charcoal gray blazer with a very low-cut, silver satin top underneath it. Long drop earrings adorned her ears. Her necklaces only complemented the ensemble.

_What? She's doing_ _speed dating? _Alex wondered, puzzled. Jim was speaking to her, but she tuned him out. She tried to listen to Olivia's conversation, but it was hard with all the noise and people buzzing around. She did catch bits and pieces, though.

"_You don't waste any time, do you?" Olivia said._

"_Just being honest. I can't believe that you need help finding a date," the guy responded._

She couldn't make out what Olivia said next, but she did catch the end of her statement._ "…I don't like to mix business with pleasure." _

Alex rolled her eyes. _The hell you don't, _she thought bitterly.

"_Ah, well, I'm on Wall Street, so my business will not interfere with our pleasure," he replied, giving Olivia a wide grin._

She could hear Olivia laughing. Her lips looked so glossy and kissable. And her hair looked great; every strand was in place. _She's so lovely, _Alex thought longingly. The small smile that had spread across her face quickly turned into another frown when she noticed how the guy couldn't keep his eyes off Olivia's ample cleavage. _Just look at the way she's flirting with him! _she thought in disgust. A voice in the back of her head told her, _How can you get mad at Olivia for being here with a guy when you're doing the same thing? _However, she wouldn't be bothered to listen to rationale. She could feel her blood beginning to boil. She felt sick to her stomach. "Let's get outta here," she told Jim.

"Is something wrong?" Jim asked.

Alex gave him the sultriest smile she could muster. "I just think better things await us."

Jim cocked his head to the side. "Such as?"

Alex ran a hand down his arm and leaned in close. "Such as in my bedroom."

Jim threw some money down on the counter to pay for their drinks and jumped off the stool. "I certainly won't argue with that."

* * *

"Any word?" Elliot asked the next day, walking in the squadroom with a case file in hand.

"Not yet," Olivia replied, continuing to write and taking a quick glance at her computer screen.

Elliot grabbed the Post-It notes off his locker. "Well…maybe you're not his type."

"Oh no, he was interested. I could feel it, you know?" she said, turning around and smiling up at Elliot.

Elliot nodded. "Yeah." He paused for a couple seconds; he was always worried for Olivia's safety when she worked undercover. And the fact that this guy was a suspected rapist didn't ease his mind one bit. "Think he's our perp?"

"Couldn't get a read on him. Normally I need two minutes in the box with a guy to know if he's guilty but…"

At that moment, a soft bell sounded on Olivia's computer. "Email?" Elliot asked while standing at his desk.

"I've got a match," Olivia announced.

"Romeo?" Elliot queried, walking around to look at her monitor.

Smiling, Olivia crossed her arms and straightened out her shoulders. "He wants to buy Rachel a drink."

Elliot stared at the screen warily and tried to shake the unsettling feeling he had. In his gut, he knew that this was their guy and he would be damned if he'd let him get close enough to try to rape Olivia. He went back over to his desk and sat down. He decided to change the subject. "So…have you heard from Alex?"

Olivia closed out her email and began writing again. "She's called quite a few times, actually."

"So how did things go?"

"Uh…they didn't. I didn't take her calls."

"So let me get this straight. The love of your life calls you and you won't answer or call her back? Whatever happened to following your heart?"

"Following my heart would lead to Alex running over it with a Mack truck," Olivia answered dryly.

"But you had a pretty good weekend together a couple weeks ago," Elliot said. "I don't understand. I thought you two were making progress."

"I feel that the only thing we got closure from that weekend was the shooting but not what happened between us," Olivia explained.

"And why's that? She was trying pretty hard to make things right from what I could tell."

"Elliot, I know she's trying, but none of that matters if she's not willing to sacrifice everything for me like I would for her. It's all in vain."

"What do you mean?"

"That Sunday night before I left, I told her that I couldn't be with her unless she came outta the closet."

"That's understandable, but there's nothing wrong with being friends."

"Elliot, what you don't realize is that Alex is the only one who can break me down like this. I think we just need a little space—at least until my heart is stronger. I still want to be friends with her, but right now is not the time."

"Shouldn't you give her a heads up, though?"

Olivia sighed. "I will after this case is over. But I just have so much going on now. I need to have a clear head before I deal with any added stress."

"Speaking of stress, you nervous about tonight?"

"Nah. I can handle myself around men."

Elliot chuckled. "Now isn't that ironic? You can handle a rapist but not Alex right now."

"That's love for ya," Olivia mumbled.

* * *

Alex had just walked into her apartment when the phone started ringing. She put her groceries down and rushed to answer it. It was her brother Victor. "Why, hello stranger!" she said cheerily.

"Long time no talk, sis. Listen, I know this is kinda late notice, but I'm having a dinner party this weekend at my place. There will be about 30 guests in all. Think you can make it? Some of these people haven't seen you since you got back."

Alex smiled on her end of the line. "I'd love to, Victor. What time is it?"

"6:00 sharp on Saturday. Oh, and Julie sends her regards."

"Tell her I said hello," Alex replied. "Should I bring anything? A bottle of wine? Dessert?"

"No, everything's being catered. Just bring yourself, ok?"

"Ok," Alex responded. "Hey, I'm having a friend over later and I need to get dinner started, so do you mind if I give you a call back later?"

"Oh, sure, sure. I just mainly called to invite you and see how you were doing. Take care of yourself, Alex."

"You, too, Victor. See you this weekend. Love you," Alex replied.

"Love you, too," Victor said, hanging up the phone.

She opened the door an hour later for Serena. "Hey, Alex!" Serena greeted. "Something smells good!"

Alex grinned. "I made chicken parmigiana."

"Boy, am I glad you asked me over! I'm starving!" Serena commented, following Alex into the kitchen. She sat down at the bar. "How long before it's ready?"

"About 10 minutes," Alex replied. "So how was your day?"

"Long and stressful. How about yours?"

"The same. Meetings all day long," Alex said with a groan. "The 8th floor is all over me."

"Ah, the joys of being a bureau chief," Serena joked. "So…any plans to hang out with Liv this weekend?" she asked hopefully.

Alex frowned. "No. I haven't heard anything from her since the night she left my apartment. But I've seen her."

"Really? Where?"

"Last night at Nick's. She was doing _speed dating_."

"Are you serious? That's odd."

"She doesn't have time to return my calls, but she has time to look for dates and flirt with random men."

"Hon, I'm sorry," Serena said, giving her a quick hug.

"And you wouldn't believe how that guy was fawning all over her! He looked like he wanted to jump her bones right then and there!"

"Hell hath no fury…" Serena teased.

"Don't start," Alex said, shooting her a warning look.

"Easy, tiger. So what'd you do when you saw them together?"

"I left. I couldn't take anymore of that," Alex replied. "But in good news, Victor invited me to a dinner party he's hosting this weekend."

"Oh, that should be nice. You haven't seen him in awhile."

"Well, at least I know someone cares enough about me to _call_—unlike a certain NYPD detective. If she didn't really want to be friends, then she should've just told me."

Serena cocked her head. "Alex…"

Alex sighed deeply and wiped her hands on a towel. "I'm sorry, Serena. I don't mean to spoil the mood. I know I'm sounding petulant. It shouldn't bother me what Olivia does with her life since we aren't dating anymore, but it does," Alex muttered sullenly.

"It sucks to see the one you love with someone else," Serena told her. "But you have to understand that it must be so hard for Liv. Put yourself in her shoes. Wouldn't you be hesitant to get too close again?"

"I guess," Alex mumbled. She whipped the mashed potatoes one last time and then transferred them to a bowl.

"Don't you want her to be happy?"

"Yes, Serena. You know I do. But I wish I was the one making her happy instead of someone else."

"I know, babe. Maybe you'll get another chance to do that one day."

_I doubt it, _Alex thought dismally.


	17. Everything You Want

**Chapter 17: Everything You Want**

Alex arrived at Victor and Julie's brownstone that Saturday about a quarter to six. She greeted both of them with a kiss on the cheek. "You both look wonderful," she complimented.

"You look quite ravishing yourself," Victor responded, admiring the long, flowing midnight blue spaghetti-strap gown that hugged his sister's curves.

"How's the bureau treating you?" Julie asked.

"It's great," Alex replied with a wide smile. She let their butler take her coat and clutch and then stepped from the foyer into the living room.

She looked around appreciatively. She had always loved Victor and Julie's brownstone because it had an intimate Victorian feel to it. Along with several antiques from the era, it was decorated with opulent oriental rugs, ornate overstuffed furniture, and framed oil paintings. The walls were covered with Japanese geometric patterns in bold, rich colors and floral frieze. Damask silk draperies ornamented the windows. Porcelain vases containing colorful bouquets accentuated every room and crystal chandeliers sparkled from the ceilings.

Atop the limestone mantel was a black and white photo of their parents in a gold Baroque frame. Fighting back tears, she picked up the frame and delicately ran her fingers over the glass.

Victor quietly came up behind her and gently put a hand on her back so as not to startle her. "They were quite lovely together, weren't they?"

Alex turned to him. "Yes, they were."

He put his arm around his wife. "I only hope that my marriage to Julie can be as long and fulfilling as our parents'."

Alex smiled at them. "I'm sure it will be."

They went into the dining room, which contained oak wainscoting and mahogany flooring. The rich Pompeian red walls were adorned with Beauvais tapestry. Several of the guests turned around and started clapping when they saw Alex.

Alex smiled modestly at all the attention being lavished on her. Before she knew it, guests started swarming around her and bombarding her with questions.

"Alexandra, dear," Mrs. Whitmore began. "I was despondent for weeks after I heard the news that you had been shot. I remember thinking, 'Such a precious life snuffed out.' And to think that this could happen to one of our own! When I found out you were still alive, you won't believe the burden that had been lifted from my heart. What was it like in the program?"

"My heart goes out to you, darling," Mr. Carlyle began. "I cannot imagine what would have happened if Andrea and I had lost one of our daughters."

"It must have been so lonely for you in Witness Protection. Were you able to make any friends?" Mrs. Blanchard asked. "I hope they at least had a nice country club you could join."

"Did they take you to some exotic island or were you forced to reside in a small town in the middle of nowhere?" Gretchen pried.

Alex smiled wryly. "I assure you, Gretchen, it's nothing like the adventurous, tropical hideaways full of mystery and suspense that you see on TV." _Are people really this naïve about Witness Protection?_ she thought bitterly. She knew that most of the people around her wouldn't have been able to survive a day in the program. They would have fainted if they'd ever even been exposed to a crime scene. All they had ever known were their wealthy, pampered lives and they were completely oblivious to plights outside their stratosphere. She felt like she was their poster child for grief by proxy.

When she finally got some space again, she grabbed Victor's arm and joked, "Are these dinner guests or the paparazzi?"

Victor laughed. "They're just curious."

"Maybe I should just write a tell-all book," Alex muttered.

"Don't worry," Julie said, patting her on the back. "I won't let the vultures harass you all night long."

The waiters began setting up the first course. Alex's mouth watered at the sight of the shrimp and scallop ceviche. "The food looks delicious, Victor."

"Just wait until they bring out the entrée," Victor responded. "Pan seared halibut with tomato-caper relish."

"I absolutely love halibut," Alex said with a smile.

Victor pulled out her chair and she sat down. "Well, Victor, aren't you quite the gentleman tonight?" Alex teased.

He pushed her chair up to the table and took a seat beside her. "Anything for my beautiful sis."

Alex gave him an amused look. "Usually when you're this kind, you want something. So what is it?"

Victor laughed. "Can't a guy just do something nice for his own sister?"

Alex looked at Julie. "What have you done with the _real_ Victor?"

Julie smiled. "This is the one I pull out when we have company."

After dinner, Victor pulled her aside. "Alex, I have someone I want you to meet. He's a very good friend of mine."

Alex rolled her eyes; she hated when her brother played matchmaker. "No, Victor. Absolutely not."

"Oh, come on!" Victor coaxed. "This guy is perfect."

"Your idea of perfect or mine?" Alex asked.

"Anyone's. He's a few years older than you but still a very eligible bachelor. Besides, I've already mentioned you to him and he's looking very forward to meeting you. Please, Alex. I have a close friendship riding on this."

Alex frowned. "Victor, every single guy you've set me up with turned out to be a disaster. So you'll have to excuse me if I'm not exactly jumping at the chance to date the guy of your choice again."

Victor held her face in his hands. "Alex, I just want you to be happy. I really think you and Robert will hit it off. He's different from all the others, I promise. Just give him a chance, ok?"

Alex sighed. "All right, all right."

Victor led her over to a tall gentleman talking to a group of people across the living room. "Robert, may I see you for a moment?"

"Sure," Robert answered. He smiled politely at his friends and asked them, "Will you excuse me for a minute?" He then turned to Victor and Alex. Smiling at the tall statuesque blonde before him, he gave her an appreciative once-over. He was absolutely blown away by how stunning she was. "Wow…" he breathed, giving her his most charming smile.

"Robert, this is Alexandra Cabot, my sister," Victor introduced. He turned to Alex. "Alex, this is Robert Shelton."

Alex offered her hand. "Pleased to meet you."

Bowing deeply, Robert took her hand and kissed it instead of shaking it. "Oh, no. The pleasure is all mine, Alexandra."

"Call me Alex," Alex replied with a smile.

"Well, how about the two of you get acquainted? I'm going to go mingle with some of the other guests," Victor said, throwing Alex a knowing glance.

"Let's go somewhere a little more private, shall we?" Robert suggested, placing a hand at the small of Alex's back and leading her to a more secluded corner of the room.

"So what do you do for a living?" Alex asked.

"I'm a Wall Street broker," Robert answered, smiling boldly. "I hear you work in the DA's office?"

"Yes, I'm chief of a trial bureau there. Before that, I was the ADA for the Special Victims Unit."

Robert nodded. "Ah, a woman in power—especially in such a gritty profession. I like that. That takes a certain level of brilliance and tenacity. You've probably seen horrors while working in that office that I couldn't even begin to fathom."

Alex gave him a tight smile. "I lived them."

Robert mentally kicked himself; he was well aware of the tragedy that had occurred in Alex's life regarding the shooting and her stints in Witness Protection. "Oh, I'm so sorry. Yes, Victor told me. I didn't mean to sound—"

"No, no. It's ok. I don't like to focus on my past anyway. To me, it's all about moving forward," Alex responded, taking a sip of her champagne.

Robert smiled. "Nice outlook. Well, your brother told me nothing but good things about you. I'm a little disappointed."

Alex wrinkled her brow. "Why is that?"

"Because the things he said don't even begin to do you justice. Your success, your grace, and your beauty far surpass anything words could ever express. You, my dear, are absolutely the most exquisite woman I've ever had the fortune of laying eyes upon."

Alex smiled, blushing slightly. "I'm very flattered, Robert. But how many times have you used that line?"

Robert laughed. "Ah, I love a lady with a sense of humor. I assure you that I've never met anyone who is worthy of the praise I bestowed on you tonight. I didn't even know that women like you existed."

Alex raised her eyebrows and smiled slyly. "You barely know me, Robert."

"I'm a fine judge of character," he responded. "Most women I meet are just so dithering, shallow, and divorced from reality. But I can tell that you're a real woman of substance. You know who you are, what you want in life, and you aren't afraid to go get it. Victor told me about your interest in politics. It takes a strong woman to weather such a male-dominated storm."

Alex nodded. "Right on the money."

"And I would be more than happy to support you in any political endeavor you choose in any way that I can."

"Thank you, Robert. That's very kind of you."

After they talked for several more minutes, Robert asked, "Are you currently dating anyone?"

Alex shook her head. "I can't say that I am."

"If it is all right with you, I'd like to take you out one evening," Robert proposed.

Alex nodded and flashed a smile. "I'd like that very much."

He suavely pulled his PDA out of his inside breast pocket. "May I have your number?"

"Sure," Alex replied, reciting the set of digits.

After putting her name and number in his contacts, he took out his business card and handed it to her. He placed a hand gently on her upper arm. "Call me anytime. Have a wonderful evening, Alex."

"You, too," Alex replied, watching him walk off and rejoin his group of friends.

Victor had been watching them from afar. He walked over to Alex and asked, "So what do you think?"

"Well, he's very charismatic, handsome, erudite, accomplished, confident... After talking to him about a variety of different topics I found that we have a lot of common interests, especially where politics are concerned. I guess you were right; he's the perfect guy," she said, smiling politely. "Almost too perfect."

"And not to mention very wealthy," Victor added.

Alex rolled her eyes. "So I gathered."

"Well, that's always a plus, right?" Victor asked with a grin.

"There are more important things in life than money, Victor," Alex remarked.

"I know. But you can never have too much of it. He is a managing director at Neumann-Riggs. Last year his _bonus _was over $10 million."

"Victor, I get it. Really, I do. You don't have to keep carrying on like a schoolgirl with a crush."

"I think you two are just a perfect match, that's all," Victor explained. "And he could really help fund your political campaign in the future."

"He pretty much told me he would. But we have enough money of our own for that."

"Yes, but why use ours when we can use someone else's? It doesn't hurt to have a little extra insurance. Robert has a lot of friends in high places with pretty deep pockets. You know Wall Street plays quite a large hand in Manhattan politics. No other candidate would stand a chance against you."

"You can be an ass sometimes, you know that, right?" Alex said curtly.

"Hey, I was joking! Besides, I just want what's best for my sister. Is that so bad?" Victor said, putting an arm around her shoulders.

"Well, just so you know…I agreed to let him take me out for dinner."

Victor smiled and patted his sister on the back. "That's great. I promise you that you will _not_ regret it."

"I'm holding you to that, Victor," Alex responded dryly.

* * *

After Alex and Robert met for dinner the next week, Alex's opinion of him had only increased tenfold. He seemed different from others. So many of her fellow socialites turned up their noses at her decision to become a prosecutor instead of a high-powered attorney, but he seemed genuinely interested in her desire for justice and proud of her strong sense of ethics and dedication to her job. He was the first guy she'd considered dating from her own echelon who didn't think she was just "slumming it" at the DA's office. 

When she returned to her apartment for the evening, she decided to call Victor and give him an update.

"So how did things go?" Victor asked.

"Remarkably well," Alex answered. "He's a refreshing change of pace."

"So I take that to mean he gets a second date?"

Alex smiled. "We're going out again this weekend."

"That's great, Alex. I'll have to tell Julie."

"Knowing Julie she'll start planning our wedding," Alex muttered.

"Well, I can say that she'll be as excited for you as I am."

"Thank God Katherine's in Boston or you'd be setting her up with someone, too," Alex teased.

"She has to come home sometime," he said with a laugh.

After she got off the phone with her brother, she ruminated the pleasant turn of events in her life. She had been craving something more than just sex to fill the void in her life; however, she'd known for the longest that she didn't want it with Jim. Jim was a great guy—sweet, sensitive, caring—but that just wasn't enough for her. Jim was like an appetizer, but Robert was the main course she'd been patiently waiting for all along. Besides, Jim's attachment hadn't waned in the slightest, and she knew it would only get stronger. She did not want to ruin a friendship and their work relationship by dating him if she didn't have the proper feelings to invest. When they'd agreed to just sex, that was different because no feelings were expected, but a relationship warranted an emotional investment that she just couldn't give him.

Moreover, Jim was familiar. Olivia was also familiar. But maybe that was her problem. She had previously desired to connect with elements of her past to regain her identity, but perhaps what she needed was a whole new territory. Now she had found someone on the same page she was and she felt like she could finally make a clean break from her stifling past. Growing up, Robert was the guy she'd fantasized about meeting—her Prince Charming. Of course, this was all before she realized that she was a lesbian. Aside from the fact that he wasn't a woman, he was perfectly in line with her goals in life in every other way. He had so many wonderful characteristics about him that she thought she could grow to love him. She knew that her love for him would never be like that she'd have for Olivia or any other woman, but at the very least, they could have a cordial symbiotic relationship and Robert would be none the wiser. For centuries, many women had repressed their true sexual orientation for financial security and social acceptance, so if she had to, she could go back to doing so. But before she could embark upon her new journey with Robert, she would have to break things off with Jim. Letting out a groan, she decided she'd take care of things the next day.

As she prepared for bed, the picture of Olivia on her nightstand caught her eye just like it did every night. She picked it up and felt the familiar pang of hurt and longing shoot through her heart. She was tempted to put it back in its place when a voice in the back of her head told her,_ You're starting a new chapter of your life, Alex. It's time to close this one._ Opening the bottom drawer of her nightstand, she pulled out a velvet bag with a satin lining and delicately slid the frame into it. She then took the necklace they shared and forced herself to drop it into the bag as well. After pulling the drawstring closed, she slid the bag into the drawer and shut the door tight. This time there were no tears, and she knew it was for the best.

* * *

Alex had been avoiding the dreadful conversation all day long because she knew Jim would not be happy about the news. At the day's close, she decided that it might be better to break it to him over the phone so she wouldn't have to actually see his face collapse. She packed her files into her briefcase, closed up her office, and quietly tried to slip out of the courthouse. 

She was walking down the steps when she heard footsteps rushing to catch up to her. "Alexandra!" Jim shouted, his coat flapping wildly behind him.

_Shit_, Alex thought. She slowly turned around and forced a smile. "Have somewhere pressing you need to be, Jim?"

Jim gave her a wide smile. "Only if it's with you. For a second, I thought I'd missed you but Billy told me you'd just left. You wanna have dinner at my place?"

Alex sighed. "I can't tonight."

He looked disappointed. "Oh…well, how about tomorrow? If you don't trust my cooking skills, we can always go to a restaurant like we have before."

_Just come right out and say it_, she scolded herself. "Listen, Jim…I don't think we should do this anymore."

Jim gave her a puzzled look. "Why not?"

Alex searched her mind for a way to break things gently. "I just have so many other things going on in my life that I need to focus on right now. It's nothing personal."

"Alexandra…I don't understand—"

"Jim, it was just sex, so it's no big deal, right?" she asked, giving him a tight smile.

_It may have been just sex to you, but to me it meant so much more_, Jim thought sadly. He forced a smile to hide his pain. "Right."

Alex rubbed his upper arm sympathetically. "Well, I need to get home. Bye, Jim," she said, turning around and walking off.

As Jim watched Alex disappear into the fog, all he could think of were the last lyrics to Vertical Horizon's "Everything You Want": _I am everything you want, I am everything you need, I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be. I say all the right things at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing to you and I don't know why_.


	18. Denial

**Chapter 18: Denial**

"So I haven't heard from you in about three weeks!" Serena said, throwing her bag down and plopping down on the couch. "What have you been up to?"

Alex sat down beside her. "Well, a lot has been going on."

"Really? Like what?"

Alex took a deep breath. She knew Serena wasn't going to like her answer. "Well…I met someone at my brother's dinner party."

Serena folded her arms; she was disappointed that Alex planned to keep up the same charade. "And let me guess, it wasn't a woman."

Alex looked down. "Not exactly."

"All right, so spill. Who is he? What's he do? Are you seeing him?"

"We've been officially dating about two weeks now. His name is Robert and he's a Wall Street broker."

Serena threw her hands up and stood up. "Alex, did everything we talked about just go right over your head? You just took two giant steps back!"

Alex sighed. "Serena, he's a very nice guy with a wonderful personality. He's charming, successful, powerful, a great listener…pretty much perfect in every way."

"Yeah, well, so is Olivia."

Alex groaned. "You know why I can't be with—"

"No, I know why you_ won't_ be with Olivia."

"But Robert is perfect for my political aspirations."

"You could reach all your goals without him," Serena argued with a roll of her eyes.

"Yes, but he certainly sweetens the pot."

"Money and power do not a good person make. Do you have feelings for this guy at all?" Serena demanded.

"I like him as a person."

"But do you care for him _romantically_?"

"I could grow to care for him romantically…maybe even love him."

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that."

"Well, I do find him mesmerizing."

Serena rolled her eyes again. "Alex, you're not mesmerized by Robert. You're mesmerized by what he _represents_."

"How do you know how_ I _feel, Serena?" Alex demanded, getting angry. "I happen to be attracted to him!"

"If you took away all the glam and glitz surrounding Robert and he was a plain ole janitor, would you still be attracted to him?"

Alex shifted her eyes back and forth uneasily. "That's not the point."

"Oh, it most certainly is. It just proves that it's his characteristics you're attracted to—not the guy himself."

Alex frowned and folded her arms. "And just what is that supposed to mean?"

"I've never known you to be attracted to any guy just for the sake of attraction. You've only been attracted to the benefits you receive from them and you've always had a hidden agenda. Just recently, you were attracted to Jim because he was an instrument to numb your pain while at the same time giving you a cover in case anyone speculated about your sexuality. Now the only reason you're attracted to Robert is because he provides you with the perfect social image and means to further your political career."

Alex bit her lip; she knew that Serena was right but that still didn't sway her in the decisions she'd made. "My career isn't just for me, Serena. I have a real opportunity to make things better for the people of New York." She looked down and continued, "An opportunity that may be denied to me if people find out about my sexuality. And if that means I have to sacrifice parts of myself for the good of the people, I'll do it."

"So now you're a martyr?"

Alex narrowed her eyes at her. "I don't need your sarcasm, Serena. You know I can bring about a lot of positive change for victims' rights through politics and the upper echelons of the justice system."

Serena sighed and sat back down. "Alex, I know you are extremely motivated. But no amount of success or drive is going to change who you are. I've said it before and I'll say it again—a closeted lesbian is still in fact, a lesbian."

"Serena, men get in trouble because they can't keep it in their pants. Women are better able to control and hide their sexual impulses. Just because I'm sleeping with a guy doesn't mean I'm thinking about him…and he'd never be the wiser."

"And just because you _can_ so easily pass for straight in society doesn't mean you should!"

"Everyone has to do what's right for them. For some people, it's worth the sacrifices to come out. But once you come out as gay, it _does_ change the light some people will see you in forever—no matter how much of a good person you are or how much you do for others."

"And is doing stuff for others gonna keep you warm at night?"

Alex groaned. "In case you haven't noticed, I have someone for that. A warm body is a warm body. Hell, I could have a one night stand with a random guy and ask him to spend the night if that's all I was concerned about."

"It's not the one you want."

"Serena, my world does not revolve around Olivia Benson!" Alex yelled, jumping up and bawling up her fists.

Serena carefully took note of her reaction. "The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

"I can live without her," Alex replied, trying to convince herself more than Serena.

"Live, no. Exist, yes."

"Serena, stop it. I'm tired of hearing you berate me. Friends are supposed to be supportive of one another."

"Alex, I'm just trying to save my best friend from going down a self-destructive path! Robert isn't going to make you happy! No man is!"

"Stop acting self-righteous! I seem to remember quite a few boyfriends you've had."

"And I know from personal experience that you're making the wrong decision. I had to wake up and I'm trying to get you to do so before it's too late and you lose Olivia _and yourself_ forever! Alex, are you crazy? Anyone would _kill_ to be with that woman!"

"Serena, don't you think I know that?" Alex shouted. "You don't understand what it's like to have such a horrible ache that feels like it's _never_ going to go away unless you do something."

"Yes, I do, Alex! Maybe not in the same way you have because I haven't been through all the horrible stuff you have in the past couple years, but I think I can vouch somehow. You do something that feels so right at the time…_yet so wrong after_. The only way you won't have that feeling is if you follow your heart and you do what you _know_ is right, not what you want to be right."

Alex let out an exasperated sigh and sat back down beside her. "There's more to life than love."

"If you think that a life without love is really worth living, then go right ahead."

"Others have done it."

"Maybe others didn't find true love in the first place, so it was easier because they didn't know what they were missing. But you have."

"Serena, in case you haven't noticed, fairy tales are not reality."

"Oh, Alex, stop being a hypocrite! All of a sudden you've changed your tune since you've met Robert, but it wasn't too long ago when you were lamenting the possibility of Olivia falling in love with another woman and forgetting you ever existed."

Alex's face hardened. "Just because Abbie dumped you and you can't move on doesn't mean I can't," she said coldly.

Serena swallowed hard; she was taken aback that her best friend could be so cruel. "Wow, Alex. That's a _really_ low blow."

Alex immediately felt bad for saying that. "I'm sorry, Serena. That was outta line."

Serena frowned and grabbed her bag. "It's too late to take it back. You know, I don't blame Olivia one bit for not returning your calls. Maybe she's better off without you. Maybe I am, too."

Alex felt like crying as Serena started walking toward the door. She grabbed her wrist. "Serena, wait!"

Serena jerked her arm back. "Don't, Alex. Just…don't." She took her coat out of the closet and kept walking.

"Serena, I didn't mean it!" Alex yelled as the door slammed shut in her face.

Alex leaned back against the door and placed her hands on her forehead. _Shit, what have I done?_ she thought helplessly. _Now I've lost Liv __**and**__ Serena._

Sometimes she thought Olivia and Serena knew her better than she knew herself. Could she really afford to alienate the two people who cared the most about her? She pondered everything Serena had said, and she hated to admit it to herself, but it was all spot on. Why was the fear and upbringing she had that influential in causing her to constantly deny what she knew was true? Just how much longer could she try to force herself to be someone she was not? She hoped she wouldn't eventually crack under all the pressure.

If her mother knew the thoughts she had had about women all her life, she would probably turn over in her grave. Women were the ones who consumed her fantasies. Even as a teenager in boarding school, she'd caught herself sneaking glances at girls in the shower during gym, but she'd always shrugged her arousal off as normal curiosity in her efforts to deny her true feelings. Several men thought that an astonishingly beautiful woman could never be a lesbian, and she had been taught to let them think so. So why should she change now? After all, ignorance is bliss.

Society girls were expected to grow up and marry prominent men, not some beautiful female detective in the sex crimes division of the New York City Police Department. Her mother would have been liked Jim or Robert. Both were Ivy League educated and top men in their respective careers. Moreover, Jim was in her league professionally while Robert was in her league socially. But no matter how successful Olivia was, her mother never would've approved—even if she'd been the richest woman on the planet. And besides possessing the wrong gender, Olivia wasn't a fellow ADA or a stock broker and she hadn't attended an Ivy League school. However, she contributed more to society than most people she knew, all her strengths were more than either Jim or Robert's combined, and Olivia understood all she had gone through better than Jim or Robert ever could. Most importantly, she was the one who owned the key to her heart. Even the thought of her set her soul ablaze. God, she missed her so much.

She went into Olivia's bedroom. She walked over to the bed and pulled back the neat covers. As she lay back against the pillows, she thought about how Olivia had been in that very bed only a month ago. She thought about how good it felt to be in Olivia's arms while she slept, how perfectly toned and curvy her body looked while she got dressed, how the water dripped off her body after her bath. Before she knew it, her hand had slid down to her warm center. She hurriedly pulled her pants and underwear over her hips to allow her fingers better access. Her thoughts drifted to times they'd made love, the taste of Olivia, her scent, her touch, her voice… She tore off her shirt and bra in one swift motion. Then her fingers disappeared once again between her slippery folds, swollen with insatiable desire. Her stiff clit pulsated against her fingers and her hard nipples stood tall.

Moaning deeply, she slipped one finger quickly followed by another inside herself while circling her thumb around her clit. As she slowly pumped them in and out, her other hand roamed up to a breast and teased a nipple until it was almost painful to the touch. She thought about how Olivia would take her nipples into her mouth—sucking, teasing, and pleasing them with her talented tongue until she couldn't stand it anymore. Then she reminisced over the way Olivia's tongue thrust wildly inside her, and the way her gentle hands would caress her body softly to still her thrashing movements against the sheets.

She licked her lips as she remembered how much pleasure she derived from bringing Olivia to orgasm. The warm, sweet sticky nectar flowing down her throat as Olivia knelt over her face in all her delicious glory…it was almost too much. It was as close to sexual nirvana as she would ever get. She yearned to have just one little taste again. Oh, if only Olivia was there right now…there was nothing she wouldn't do to her. Her toes curled as she drove her fingers harder and faster into herself. Her breathing quickened and she knew that she was close. She rubbed her thumb against her quivering clit as her body began trembling all over. She let out a long wail as her orgasm ripped through her and her hot juices spilled against the sheets.

She lay there for a few minutes to catch her breath. _I sure hope the housekeeper wears gloves tomorrow_, she thought with a smile on her face. Well, if she couldn't have Olivia, her fantasies and memories were certainly the next best thing. She decided that she'd just sleep there instead of in her own bedroom. As her senses returned to normal, she wondered if Olivia brought herself pleasure thinking of her, if she was thinking of her at that very moment. It was easier for her to imagine that she was. She closed her eyes and sighed happily. Within a few minutes, sleep had overtaken her.

* * *

The next morning Alex walked into her bureau to witness people standing in groups and talking excitedly. 

"What's going on?" she asked ADA Billy Desmond.

"I take it you haven't seen this Ledger," he said, showing her his copy. "People all over the city are freaking out."

Alex read the headline, which stated in bold letters: "Anthrax Girls Fed-napped." _Holy shit_, she thought. Looking at the photo, she instantly recognized the eldest girl from a press conference that Captain Cragen had given earlier in the week; a blown-up picture of her in a hospital bed had been on display during a plea to submit carousel photos and videos so they could find her family. "How'd anyone at the Ledger get this photo of the kids? I know the Feds keep a pretty tight lid on any classified information regarding anthrax."

"I heard that the Chief of D's was headed over to SVU. Someone from there is thought to have leaked it," Billy replied.

Alex immediately thought of Olivia. She knew that this had flown under the radar only in the interest of not creating mass hysteria, and she knew Olivia well enough to know that she wouldn't stand for being silenced by anyone if she thought the public had a right to know. She thought of the other necklace Olivia always wore. It was a gold plate with a Sanskrit inscription that read "Abhaya," which meant "fearlessness." She smiled to herself. It perfectly described Olivia and was one of the things she loved about her. She was secretly proud of her, but at the same time she was worried that this would all be traced back to her and afraid for any punishment the Feds might dish out for such an offense.

"Do you mind if I keep this, Billy?" Alex asked.

"Oh, sure. There are plenty of other copies floating around," he answered.

"Thanks." Alex took the Ledger and went into her office. She closed the door and hoped that she wouldn't be interrupted as she read the article. The more she read, the more apprehensive she got for Olivia. Now it wasn't only Olivia's job and freedom that she feared, but it was her safety as well. How much personal contact had she had with the girls? Was she exposed to any anthrax? Had she been examined by a doctor? She knew how defiant Olivia was when it came to her own medical care. She hoped with everything in her being that she was ok, and she wished there was a way she could find out for sure.

* * *

Olivia pushed open the doors of the squadroom. Elliot picked up the latest copy of the Ledger and thrust it in her face. "What the hell were you thinking?" 

Olivia studied the front page without answering for a few seconds. "Nice picture."

"Why'd you give it to him?" Elliot demanded.

Olivia tried to look dumbfounded. "Who says I did?" she answered, pulling off her brown leather jacket.

"Don't play games with me. Olivia, look, the Chief of D's is in there right now; the Feds are going nuts. They know someone from this squad leaked that photo to the Ledger."

"A lot of people had cameras in the park that day. Jackson Zane could've gotten that photo from anybody," Olivia replied.

"Oh…ok," Elliot said with a sarcastic nod. "You really think that's gonna fly?"

"Those girls lost their mother, their home, everything, but they still trusted us to make things right," Olivia said in her defense.

At that moment the chief came out of Cragen's office and growled, "I don't ever wanna read about a classified investigation in the tabloids again! You receive an order to comply with the Feds, you and everyone under your command obey it. Or you won't have a command anymore!"

"Yes, Chief," Cragen answered. After the chief left, he ordered, "Olivia, in here now."

Olivia slowly got out of her seat and walked the dreaded path to his office. Cragen shut the door. "I don't like being bossed around by some G-man in a thousand dollar suit. But when I am told to stand down in the interest of national security, I bite my tongue."

"Captain—" Olivia began.

"Shut up. When they question me, I don't wanna lie and they _will_ question us all." He stepped closer to her. "If they prove you leaked this, they will take your job, your pension, and your freedom. I don't wanna visit you in the federal lockup, Olivia." He stared at her sternly. "Dismissed."

Olivia opened the door and walked out of his office. Elliot turned around and asked, "How bad?"

She didn't answer. Elliot stood up from his desk and continued, "Look, maybe it was worth it."

Olivia turned to him with a puzzled look. "How?"

"ACS just called," he said, leaning against her desk. "Think all this media attention spooked the Feds. They returned the girls."

"We gotta go talk to them," Olivia insisted.

Elliot narrowed his eyes at her. "You have lost your mind."

"Those girls are safe for now. But what about the rest of the city? There's anthrax out there somewhere and Nicki is the key to finding it."

"You don't think the Feds questioned her all night long?" Elliot asked incredulously.

"Elliot, she's a traumatized 8-year-old girl who's been kidnapped and molested _after_ watching her mother die! We know how to talk to her."

Elliot sighed. He knew that Olivia was so stubborn that if he didn't agree to it, she'd just go by herself. "Fine. Let's head over to ACS."

As they were in the car on the way over to the Administration of Children's Services, Elliot asked, "Still avoiding Alex like the plague?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "With all that's going on now the first thought on your mind is if I'm talking to Alex or not?"

"Liv, don't act like you haven't been thinking about her."

"El, there are plenty of other things to preoccupy my mind. She's not the center of the universe."

"But she's the center of yours," Elliot pressed.

Olivia gave him an annoyed look. "No, she isn't."

"You've been avoiding her for way over a month now."

"Well, she's been avoiding me, too. The last voicemail I got from her was before I went undercover for the Jergens case."

"Well, you are the one who didn't return any of her calls. I probably would've given up, too, if I'd been her."

Olivia glared at him. "Just whose side are you on?"

Elliot stopped at the light and looked at her. "Liv, you know I've got your back. But you know as well as I do that it takes two to maintain a friendship. She's gonna get the wrong idea if you don't call her. Is that what you really want?"

"My life existed before Alex."

"But it's been changed for good after," Elliot argued, making a left turn.

Olivia groaned. "Listen, I know you mean well…but just drop it."

"Fine, Liv," he muttered.

"Anyway, why don't we stop by a toy store and pick up a teddy bear to replace Basha? Nicki will be more receptive to our questions that way."

"Yeah, it would be a nice gesture after everything she's been through."

Suddenly Olivia's phone began ringing. She pulled it out of her jacket pocket and looked at the caller ID. She just as quickly put it back.

Elliot noticed the flash of panic mixed with surprise that crossed her face. "Alex?" he asked.

Olivia shot him another glare. "You just don't know when to shut up, do you?"

"I take that as a yes."

"Elliot…" Olivia warned.

"Liv, why don't you just answer? You can't run from her forever."

"Watch me," Olivia said defiantly.

_Famous last words_, Elliot thought, shaking his head.


	19. Awake

**Chapter 19: Awake**

"How was trial?" Elliot asked after Olivia returned to the squadroom.

Olivia sat down at her desk. "Well, the judge declared a mistrial because Decker fed Emma's grandparents bullshit anti-gay studies so they would manipulate Emma into claiming Zoe molested her."

"That poor family has been through one hell of a nightmare," Elliot sympathized.

"I know. And Decker destroyed them even more by using the grandparents to further his homophobic agenda. They're gonna testify against him."

"Good. How does Zoe feel about it all?"

"Well, at the moment she wants nothing to do with them. I can't say that I blame her."

"Yeah, but that's gonna cause Emma to suffer in the long run," Elliot replied. "First she loses her mother and now her grandparents."

"Well, if her grandparents hadn't been so against Zoe's relationship with Emma's mother in the first place, none of this would've ever happened," Olivia argued.

There was silence for a couple minutes before Elliot asked, "So…I know it's been a couple weeks but did you ever get around to returning Alex's call?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Not this again. Just because this case dealt with a lesbian relationship doesn't make it open season on my relationship with Alex."

"Yeah, but I know this case hit pretty close to home for you. You and Zoe seemed to bond."

"Yeah, I can relate to her," Olivia said simply. "We've both had to go through hell because of homophobia; the only difference is that my hell is private."

"Yeah, and you've both lost the loves of your life—only Zoe's is permanent. At least you still have a chance to be with Alex again."

Olivia gave him an annoyed look. "Don't start, El. I don't have time for this."

"Seems like Alex has a little more time for things," Elliot muttered.

Olivia glared at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Elliot shook his head. "Nothing."

"I can read you like a book, El. You know something you're not tellin'."

"I thought you didn't have time."

"Elliot—" Olivia said in a threatening tone.

"All right, all right. I saw Alex with some guy last night going into this fancy restaurant."

Olivia frowned. "Jim?" _I knew she'd go back to her old ways_, she thought.

"No. They got out of a Phantom. Besides, I know what Jim Steele looks like. That wasn't him."

Olivia tried to push down her bubbling anger. "Elliot, why are you telling me this? Do you want me to fight for her? Well, I'm not gonna do it. If anything, she should be fighting for me."

"Well, she did try calling you multiple times."

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

Elliot sighed and leaned forward on his desk. "Listen…I didn't mean to make you upset, but I thought you had a right to know. How about we go get a bite to eat? Then maybe we can catch a movie afterwards. It'll all be my treat."

"Fine. I just need to finish up some stuff here first," Olivia said, picking a case file off the stack and opening it up. "Hopefully we won't run into Alex," she muttered as an afterthought.

Elliot had known Olivia long enough to know that even though she tried to suppress her anger, it would only resurface at some later point. _For Alex's sake, I hope not_, he thought.

* * *

Several minutes after Elliot had dropped her off that evening, Olivia sat staring into space on her sofa. _If Alex wants to fuck around with more guys, I don't give a shit,_ she coached herself. _Besides, I knew this would eventually happen. _

Nevertheless, her blood continued to boil. She didn't want to care what or whom Alex was doing, but she couldn't help it. She looked at the clock. She couldn't believe she'd been sitting there stewing in anger and disbelief for almost twenty minutes. She had to clear her head, but it didn't look like that was going to happen in her own apartment. And unfortunately, it was too late to go rock climbing at her gym or pummel some poor punching bag. But she absolutely had to do_ something_. She felt stifled and lost, bereft of joy as her demons beleaguered her.

She wondered if Alex was doing this just to spite her. The thought of that just made her angrier. She had been avoiding Alex for almost two months now, so maybe it was time to deal with the very person who was the root of her grief. But would talking to her face to face help her get closure so she could finally move on or would it just make things worse? _No, I will not go over there and make a scene_, she thought determinedly.

Five minutes later, she was no nearer a resolution than she had been before. _Oh, fuck it_, she finally decided, grabbing her jacket and keys. She was ready for a confrontation.

* * *

Several minutes later, Olivia was rapping loudly on Alex's door. Alex opened it and her mouth dropped open as surprise registered across her face. "Liv…I didn't expect—" 

"How many fuck buddies do you have lurking in the shadows tonight?" Olivia demanded, storming past her.

Alex frowned. "I have a _boyfriend_ and his name is Robert."

Olivia jerked around to face her. "How dare you?"

"I'm sorry, Olivia, I didn't think I needed to get permission from you first," Alex retorted, folding her arms.

Olivia stepped right into her face. "You've got some nerve, Alex! Some fucking nerve!"

"Olivia, my sex life is no longer any concern of yours. We are not together and for that matter, it's not like you give a damn what happens to me anyway."

"Oh, so this is my fault now? That's right. Everything that happens to Alex Cabot is Olivia Benson's fault!"

"Liv, you didn't want me, so why does it matter?"

"And you think I'm gonna be with you now after all this? First you have fuck buddy Jim, now you've moved on up to rich boyfriend Robert!"

"Shut up, Olivia! Don't act like you suddenly would've had a change of heart and wanted to be with me if only I had been single!"

"Alex, I would've gotten back with you if you weren't such a coward!"

"Get out of my apartment, Olivia," Alex demanded coldly.

"Why? Are you expecting company soon?" Olivia sneered.

"Because I no longer want you here! You cannot dictate what goes on in my life! You have no right!"

"_And you have no right to hurt people like you do, Alex!_" Olivia screamed passionately. The walls seemed to shake with the anger and despair both women felt.

"Don't you think I'm hurting?" Alex asked, her chest heaving to match Olivia's. "Should I continue to just suffer quietly? Aren't I entitled to happiness and the things I've envisioned for myself?"

"At whose expense? Cry me a river, Alex!"

"I cannot believe you're so insensitive, Liv!" Alex yelled, shaking violently all over with rage.

"And I cannot believe that the woman I once loved is so fucking selfish!"

"_Once _loved?" Alex asked, her heart breaking all over again. She desperately blinked back tears. She didn't want to give Olivia the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

Olivia shook her head. "Don't give me that pity party, Alex."

"Oh, fuck you, Liv! _Fuck you!_" Alex yelled, her features hardening even more.

"You know…I saw the real Alex Cabot those four days we spent together. Now here you are putting up these bullshit façades again, acting like nothing fazes you!"

"You're damn right nothing fazes me!"

"Keep telling yourself that, Alex. I can see right through you."

Alex looked away to keep Olivia's eyes from searing her soul. "For all you know, he could be the man of my dreams!"

"I know you aren't straight, Alex. He may be the perfect man for all your career aspirations, but he's not the perfect man for _you_. Just remember that sometimes when you look for your dreams, you lose yourself."

The last line echoed in Alex's head before she forced it out in defiance. "Who are you to decide what's right for me and what's not? This isn't your life!"

Olivia folded her arms. "I can see the tears pooling in your eyes now. You're trying with everything in you to hold them back. Stop lying to me and stop lying to yourself!"

Alex's tears began to pour down her cheeks like clockwork. "Liv…why do you insist on doing this to me?" she demanded angrily. "You can't keep turning my world upside down like this!"

Olivia threw her hands up. "Once again, it's all about you. What about my world? My heart? You claimed that you love me but—"

"_I do love you!_" Alex screamed helplessly. "Don't you think it rips me apart inside to break the heart of the only person I've ever really loved?"

"You have a great way of showing it," Olivia muttered. "I thought you told me you'd never stop trying to make things right with me again. Well, it certainly doesn't look like you're doing a good job since you're still pretending to be someone you aren't!"

"You gave up on me after promising you'd keep in touch! I tried calling and emailing but you completely avoided me!"

"Alex, everything does not work on your timetable! I needed time to clear my head. But no, instead of thinking of that, you go off and start dating some guy!"

"Oh, you're one to talk! So, tell me. How did speed dating work out for you? You and Mr. Right looked pretty cozy!"

"What?" Olivia asked. _Alex was there? _she wondered. _Just my luck. _"Like always, Alex, you jumped to baseless conclusions. I was there working undercover and I had _no clue _that you would be at Nick's that night!"

Alex looked down; she felt utterly foolish for jumping the gun like that. "Oh," she said almost inaudibly.

Olivia narrowed her eyes at her. "And just who were you with?"

"It's not important," Alex said quickly.

"Yes, it is. I don't owe you an explanation but you sure as hell owe me one!"

Alex gritted her teeth. "Jim, but not that that's any of your business!"

"So let me get this straight. You're there having a drink with Mr. Fuck Buddy while spying on me at the same time? So you're all about 'do as I say, not as I do,' huh?"

"Liv…nothing I do is to hurt you."

"Well, it ends up hurting me whether it's intentional or not! I'm so sick of you and your duplicitous nature, Alex!"

"If you're so sick of me, then why did you come over here with the sole purpose of yelling your lungs out?"

Olivia clenched her jaw. "Don't mock me, Alex."

"You can't just barge into my apartment late at night like the KGB! How am I supposed to feel?"

"Why should I give a damn about how you feel when you don't care about anyone else's feelings?"

"Olivia Benson, you won't be satisfied until I get on top of the Empire State Building and scream about what a terrible person I am to all of NYC!"

"And _you _won't be satisfied until you're done shitting on everyone around you! You are pathetic!" Olivia shouted. She shook her head in disgust. "I don't even know how you sleep at night," she continued, turning on her heel to leave.

Alex grabbed her wrist and swung her back around. "Shut up, Liv! God, I can't stand…" Her eyes locked with Olivia's and she swallowed hard as she lost all resolve. "…to love you so much," she finished. And with that, she threw herself at Olivia and pressed her lips against hers in a suffocating, crushing kiss.

The force of it all almost caused Olivia to lose her balance. Her mind was telling her no, but her heart was telling her yes. All their anger dissipated, washed away by frothy waves of passionate love. She hungrily returned the kiss, which was flavored with the salt of Alex's tears. Their lips dissolved together, awakening their deepest emotions in their spirits and sending them floating on the wings of bliss.

Alex pushed them backwards and pinned Olivia's body against the wall. Tilting her head, she tangled a hand loosely in Olivia's hair as she tenderly captured her open lips over and over for several minutes.

Olivia enjoyed the feeling of Alex's soft full mouth against hers, but she wanted more and she knew Alex did, too. Alex gently pulled her swollen top lip with her teeth and then traced the underside with her tongue. Olivia opened her mouth wider to allow Alex's desperate tongue entry. She picked her up and kissed her long and deeply. The kiss made them dizzy and if it hadn't been for the wall bracing them, they would've collapsed onto the floor.

As Olivia's strong arms held her, Alex wrapped her legs tightly around her waist and playfully chased her tongue. When their tongues met in a passionate dance again, they could feel surges of electricity shoot through their bodies and trap them in a whirlwind of sensation as they breathed their love and longing into the other.

When Olivia pulled back to momentarily catch her breath, Alex moved up to nip her earlobe before placing sweet kisses all along her jawline and down her neck.

"God, Alex…I love you," Olivia said as Alex's hot, wet tongue pressed against her neck.

"I love you, too, sweetie," Alex mumbled, sucking gently.

Olivia raised Alex's shirt up over her breasts and unlatched her bra. Alex lifted her arms above her head so Olivia could remove both of the garments. Olivia threw them on the floor and ran her hands over her creamy breasts, pulling the taut nipples between her fingers. Moaning, Alex responded by pushing a hand down into her underwear. She shivered when she was met with Olivia's slick, wet heat.

"It's been so long since you've touched me there," Olivia murmured.

Alex suddenly removed her hand and shook her head. "No, Liv…I don't want to make love to you like this," she whispered breathlessly, holding Olivia's face in her hands. She wanted to take her time and make every part of her feel loved, and she didn't want to do it against some cold wall.

Olivia nodded. "Ok." She tightened her arms around Alex's waist and began to carry her upstairs.

Alex placed more kisses over her face and neck as they made their way up. "You have no idea how much I've missed you. I need you so much, Liv."

Olivia ran her hands up and down the smooth skin of Alex's back and tried to force her brain to concentrate enough to make it up the steps without tripping. "Mmhmm," she murmured.

When they finally made it to Alex's bedroom, Olivia placed her down on the bed and consumed her mouth again. She managed to wiggle out of her jacket and throw it on the floor. Alex flipped them over and started making her way down Olivia's torso. She unzipped her jeans and slid them and her panties down her body.

She came back up again and helped Olivia pull off her shirt and bra. For the longest time she admired the perfectly sculpted form of her body, which made her absolutely weak with agonizing desire. She could feel it possessing her and freeing her all at once. There was a time when she thought she'd never get the chance to make love to her resplendent soul mate ever again, and the prospect of fate being so kind to her again was positively elating.

Olivia's whole body flushed red under her intent gaze. "Alex…"

"Don't you dare get shy now," Alex told her, taking one of her hands into her own. "You're so beautiful," she continued, reaching up to touch Olivia's cheek.

Olivia turned her head ever so slightly to kiss the fingers that embraced her. "As are you."

Alex smiled at her and traced her index finger down the valley of Olivia's breasts. Then she looked down at the triangular thatch of curls at the apex of her legs and delicately ran her fingers through it as if for the very first time. The soaked curls glistened with her arousal and made the beautiful forbidden fruit underneath that much more enticing. The delicious, sweet musky scent wafted to her nose, beckoning her closer. But no, it was too soon. She had to be patient and save the very best for last.

"There's still something very wrong with this equation," Olivia said, barely able to contain a smile.

"What?" Alex asked, looking up distractedly.

"You're still partially dressed," Olivia whispered.

Getting off the bed, Alex smiled and eagerly slid her pants and underwear down her body. Olivia's breath caught in her chest as Alex's finely trimmed sex came into full view.

Alex straddled Olivia's thigh and asked, "Now that that problem's solved, where were we?"

Olivia pulled Alex closer to her so that her breasts dangled right over her face. She took a nipple into her mouth and delighted as it grew against her tongue. She ran a hand over her other breast before taking the nipple and rolling it back and forth between her fingers.

Alex felt her wetness pooling against Olivia's thigh as she teased her breasts relentlessly. She let out a gasp each time Olivia sucked or bit her nipples. The sensations shot straight down to her throbbing sex.

Olivia let go of her nipple with a soft _plop _and enveloped her mouth. She sucked on her tongue gently as Alex gripped her breasts with her hands and massaged her nipples in circular motions with her thumbs. As Olivia's nipples tightened, she pulled them while gently rocking back and forth against her thigh. Olivia let out a deep moan and moved a hand down to caress her warm center.

As soon as Olivia's hand touched her, Alex jerked excitedly. A gesture so simple from Olivia had the power to saturate her body with the verve of unbridled rapture. She had missed the feeling of her soft slender fingers on her most intimate region and the sensation was almost too much to bear. As much as she craved more of her touch, she knew she had to contain her own body's need for release because she wanted to focus on pleasing Olivia. She allowed Olivia's fingers a few more tender caresses before regretfully moving back.

Olivia groaned at the loss of contact with Alex's sex. Alex put a finger to Olivia's lips and promised, "Soon, sweetie. Soon." She proceeded to move down her body again, leaving soft kisses in her wake.

Olivia relaxed against the pillows as Alex's lips and tongue brushed her inner thighs. Alex ran her hands up and down her smooth legs before letting the very tips of her fingers trail across her stomach. "Alex, please…"

Smiling up at her, Alex teasingly ran her tongue around her mound to lick up some of her arousal. Olivia shivered underneath her as Alex's warm breath blew on her center. She desperately wanted to feel Alex's touch again where she needed it most and the teasing was about to drive her absolutely insane.

Alex slid up her body again to lavish her affections on her full, ripe breasts. Everything seemed to disappear around her and only Olivia remained. She flicked her tongue against the painfully erect nipples before taking one into her mouth and sucking long and hard. She quickly moved on to the other while Olivia ran her hands over her shoulders.

"Oh, Alex," Olivia moaned, closing her eyes contently.

"Mmm," Alex replied, her mouth full. She slowly slid a hand down and rubbed her fingers against Olivia's luscious inner folds as she continued to suck her breast. She couldn't help but think how her sex felt like pure silk beneath her fingers. She could hardly wait to replace her fingers with her tongue.

"Oh fuck," Olivia gasped lightly, arching her back to try to force her sex harder against Alex's fingers. "I need you inside me."

Alex obligingly pushed two fingers into her beloved's dripping sex and began thrusting slowly and deeply.

"More, I need more," Olivia demanded. She'd almost forgotten how good it felt to have Alex inside her—probing, pushing, and pulling like her life depended on it.

Alex quickly added a third finger to the mix. She left her breast and they once again got lost in the heat of each other's mouths. She pressed her heart against Olivia's so she could feel it beating wildly into her own as her tongue mimicked the rhythms in her mouth that her fingers were making inside her very core.

It was times like this that they were not individuals, but they were just one—one heart, one mind, one soul. It was a feeling they never felt with anyone else but each other.

Olivia threw her head back and Alex let her tongue trail down her neck, between her breasts, and down her stomach until she reached her destination. "Please, Alex…please…" was all she could get out.

Alex licked her lips hungrily before parting her folds with her tongue. She gently lifted Olivia's hips and slowly licked up and down the length of her swollen sex.

Olivia reveled in the feeling of her hot wet mouth on her. "In-inside," she ordered. She had waited so long for this moment, and she was ready to come. She had tried so hard to fight her feelings, and it felt so cathartic and natural to just be true to herself and give her heart what it craved just like she'd encouraged Alex to do for so long. The light in her previously benumbed soul shone brightly once again, ignited by the love she allowed herself to feel.

Alex removed her fingers and pushed her tongue inside as far as it would go. Her tongue writhed intricately and elegantly against her walls like a snake being summoned by a charmer. She gently stroked her thighs and her stomach, which were each covered with a thin layer of sweat.

Intently watching her work her magic, Olivia reached down and massaged Alex's scalp as she expertly dashed her tongue in and out of her, alternating between lovingly caressing her folds and her inner walls. She whimpered in ecstasy and tightened her legs around her ribcage as Alex ran her tongue over her engorged clit. She took the hard button into her mouth and sucked to her heart's content while it pulsed against her tongue.

For several more minutes, Alex continued to give her enough stimulation to bring her close to the edge but not yet send her over it. With each scream of passion from Olivia, she thrust harder. She could feel Olivia's walls clench and release against her tongue and knew that she was close. Her thighs started trembling and she could no longer hold back her climax, which like a shockwave set off Alex's own tremors. Alex moaned as Olivia's delicious juices bathed her taste buds and flowed down her waiting throat. She pumped her tongue inside a few more times and pinched her clit to evoke another round of convulsions.

Olivia struggled to catch her breath as the blinding light obliterated all coherent thoughts and her ability to see, hear, or feel anything that wasn't Alex. She felt as if she was dying from the incessant pleasure that held her captive.

Alex held onto Olivia for dear life as the waves of their orgasms continued to uproot their very essence. During the moments when the last vestiges started to dissipate, she gently licked the rest of the juices from her center as if the nectar flowing from Olivia's core provided her the sustenance she needed for survival. She slid up to the head of the bed and motioned for Olivia to turn over on her side. She cuddled up behind her and cradled her in her arms. Placing a soft kiss on her ear, she said, "I love you so much."

Olivia closed her eyes as Alex ran a hand gently up and down her arm. Their bodies slowly returned to normal together. "Keep doing that."

"Is it soothing?" Alex asked, placing a kiss on her shoulder.

"Very much so," Olivia replied.

Alex threw a leg over Olivia's side and squeezed her tighter. "Sometimes I never wanna let you go."

"Somehow I don't think Cragen would approve of you joined at my hip naked while I go around collaring perps."

Alex chuckled behind her and pulled the covers up over them. Olivia took comfort in her soft breath on her neck. Alex brushed some of Olivia's matted hair back behind her ear and said simply, "Oh, Liv."

"Have I lost my mind?" Olivia asked abruptly.

"Insanity never felt so good, huh?" Alex asked with a wide grin, linking her fingers with Olivia's.

* * *

Olivia awoke to the wash of sunlight that poured across her face. She squinted her eyes and put a hand over her face to shield herself. Alex aroused beside her and tightened an arm around her waist. "Good morning, sleepyhead," Alex drawled huskily. 

Olivia smiled down at her and placed a quick kiss on her lips. "Good morning to you, too."

Alex put a hand on the back of her head and brought her mouth back to her lips. "Not so fast, Detective."

They were still busy with their kiss when the phone started ringing. Alex flipped Olivia over and acted like she didn't hear it.

"Aren't you gonna get it?" Olivia mumbled.

"It's not important," Alex mumbled back, putting a hand on her face and deepening the kiss.

The answering machine came on to reveal Robert's voice: "_Hey, Alex. I was hoping to catch you before you left for work this morning, but I guess I missed you. I just wanted to say that I look forward to Thanksgiving at your brother's tomorrow and I was hoping we could have a little private dinner of our own tonight. I know this great little restaurant with a very romantic, candlelit setting. Well, get back to me when you can. I'll be thinking of you. Bye."_

Both their hearts sank at the message. Olivia immediately untangled herself from Alex's arms, threw back the covers, and climbed out of bed.

"Liv…Liv, wait!"

"Nothing to wait for," Olivia muttered. "We shouldn't have done this."

"So you're saying this was a mistake?" Alex asked, dreading the affirmative response she knew would come.

"Yes. A big one," Olivia said.

"Liv, how can you call such a beautiful expression of our love a mistake?" Alex asked painfully.

Olivia sighed. "Our love isn't the mistake, but what we did last night…that was."

"But why, Liv?"

"Because you belong to someone else now."

"Liv, it's not like you coerced me! I kissed you first! I knew exactly what I was doing."

"It was still wrong, Alex," Olivia said, picking up her jeans. "Dammit Alex, where did you throw my panties?"

Alex ignored her. "You knew before we made love that I had a boyfriend, Liv!"

"I let heart rule over head." She got down on the floor and looked under the bed. "Alex, where is my underwear?" she repeated.

Alex climbed out of the bed, knelt beside her on the floor, and turned her head to face her. "Look into my eyes and tell me it was a mistake," she ordered.

Olivia swallowed hard. "I…I can't."

"That's what I thought, Liv. I know in your heart—in mine—that this is something we both needed."

Olivia looked away. "Regardless, it can't happen again."

"Liv, I only put my heart and soul into sex when it's with you!" Alex protested. "It's not the same with anyone else!"

Olivia finally found her underwear wedged between the nightstand and the corner of the wall and stood up again. "I know, but I shouldn't aid you in cheating on your boyfriend. I need to get outta here."

"Liv, can we please talk about this rationally?" Alex begged.

"There's nothing more to say," Olivia said, pulling up her jeans.

"Well, let me make you breakfast," Alex insisted desperately.

"No. I'll eat at the station."

"Liv, you can't keep running from me!"

Olivia snapped her body around and glared at her. "Funny, that's what you did to me for a whole month when you decided it was too hard to be friends."

"Liv, why do you insist on continually bringing up my past mistakes? How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?"

"Until you mean it," Olivia said, slipping her shirt over her head.

"What makes you think I don't?" Alex yelled angrily.

"You're still in the closet."

"I was still in the closet last night and it didn't seem to make a difference!" She ran over to the door and spread her arms out across it.

Olivia laughed and picked up her jacket. "Alex, I'm an NYPD detective, if I want to get by you, I won't have any problem."

"I'll follow you out!" Alex said, flushing red.

"You're gonna follow me out the door, down the hall, in the elevator, through the lobby and out onto the street naked? Perhaps I should've brought my handcuffs to arrest you for indecent exposure."

Alex turned a deep shade of crimson. "This isn't a joking matter!"

"Alex, I'm serious. Just move."

"Not until you promise me that you won't run and just act like last night didn't happen! And that you won't ignore my calls!"

Olivia groaned. "Fine, Alex."

Alex moved in and touched her face. "You know Robert isn't a threat to my love for you, right? No one is."

"He's a threat to my peace of mind. And as long as you're dating him, he always will be." She stepped around Alex and swung open the door.

Alex followed her down the stairs and into the foyer. "When can we get together to talk—I mean _really_ talk about everything?"

Olivia sighed. "I don't know. I'll have to get back to you later."

Alex turned Olivia to face her again. "Do you really mean that?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Yes, Alex. Now I need to go before I'm late. And you need to get dressed."

Alex grabbed a coat from her closet and wrapped it around herself as Olivia opened the door. "Take care."

Olivia turned to her and gave her a half-smile. "I'll try."


	20. Taking the Plunge

**Chapter 20: Taking the Plunge**

"Olivia, what the _hell_ are those things on the side of your neck?" Elliot wondered as he placed a cup of coffee and a fresh bagel on her desk.

Olivia nodded her thanks and pulled her turtleneck up farther. "Never mind."

"Did you get lucky last night?" he continued, taking his seat.

Olivia didn't say anything. She just blushed furiously and busied herself with spreading cream cheese on her bagel.

Elliot's eyes widened as realization dawned across his face. "Son of a bitch! You slept with Alex!"

"You automatically assume it was Alex?"

"Liv, you have that 'I just got my brains fucked out six ways from Sunday' look on your face. I've only seen that look when you're around Alex. I'm a detective. I can put two and two together."

"And you have that 'I'm going to get punched by my partner' look on yours," Olivia threatened.

"So I take that as a yes?"

"Elliot…" Olivia warned.

Elliot put his hands up in surrender. "Ok, ok. I'll shut up now."

"That'd be great," Olivia replied.

A few minutes later, Elliot said, "Hey…Kathy invited me to dinner at her mom's tomorrow. You wanna come?"

Olivia smiled. "Thanks, El. I'd like that."

Munch walked into the squadroom. "Greetings, my fellow humble slaves to the force."

Fin came down the stairs. "'Bout time you dragged your bony ass in here."

Munch motioned at the bagels on Elliot and Olivia's desks. "See, they take care of each other. Where's _my_ breakfast?"

"When's the last time you brought me food?" Fin responded, walking past him and sitting down at his desk.

"You two fight like you're married," Elliot commented.

Munch shrugged. "What can I say? Fin makes me feel unloved."

"Go buy a puppy then," Fin retorted. "Maybe he'll be willin' to listen to your conspiracy theories."

Olivia shook her head and laughed. "Geez, Fin, you want the poor dog to run away?" she teased.

"Ha ha," Munch replied dryly. He studied her carefully. "You seem to be in a rather cheerful mood today. Get lucky last night?"

"That's somethin'_ you'll_ never experience," Fin interjected.

Munch turned to him. "Hey, I'll have you know that I was quite the catch in my younger days. Just ask any of my ex-wives." He turned back to Olivia. "I'm eagerly awaiting your response."

"Keep waiting," Olivia snapped, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Oh, come on. Let me live vicariously through you, Olivia," Munch coaxed.

"Why the hell you gotta be so nosy?" Fin asked.

Elliot chuckled. "If you haven't figured out the answer to that in the five years you've been partners, you'll never know." He looked at Munch. "Munch, if she wouldn't reveal anything to me she sure as hell isn't gonna tell you."

Olivia shot Elliot a warning look, which Munch caught. "Well, considering the look of death your partner just bestowed upon you, I'll be quiet," he said.

"Good call," Olivia said. When Munch turned his attention to his computer, she leaned across the desk and whispered to Elliot, "Is it really that obvious?"

Elliot grinned and responded, "Yep." Olivia just rolled her eyes.

* * *

Late Thanksgiving evening, Olivia heard a knock on her door. She looked through the peephole and was surprised to see Alex. Sighing deeply, she unlocked the door and opened it to let her in.

"Hi," Alex said warmly. She was holding a brown paper bag that Olivia could only guess contained food by the rich aromas that filled the air.

"Hi," Olivia replied softly. "What's that?"

"Your dinner," Alex replied with a smile.

"Thanks, Alex, but Elliot got together with Kathy and the kids and they invited me to dinner," Olivia explained.

Alex's smile slightly faded. "Oh…well, I'm sure you'll get hungry later. You can eat it then. I packed a lot."

Olivia flashed a smile. "Thanks." She motioned for Alex to follow her into the kitchen.

Alex took an aluminum foil pan out of the bag and pulled off the lid. "Doesn't that look yummy?"

Olivia looked at the array of food before her and felt her mouth start to water. "Why, yes it does." She cleared some room in her refrigerator and placed the dish on a shelf.

Alex looked in her refrigerator. It certainly had more items in it than the last time she'd seen it. "Nice to see that you've restocked lately."

Olivia laughed. "A girl's gotta eat." She pulled out a bottle of water and offered it to her.

Alex took the bottle from her hand and nodded her thanks. "So did you enjoy dinner with Elliot and his family?"

"Yeah. It was really nice," Olivia said, walking back into the living room and taking a seat on the sofa.

Alex sat down beside her. "I'm glad you had a good time. It's nice that Elliot and Kathy still get together for the holidays."

"Yeah," Olivia agreed. "How's Victor?"

"He's good. Katherine was there, too. It was nice to spend time with her since I hadn't seen her in awhile. We had a lot of catching up to do."

"Ah, holidays with your siblings. Must be nice," Olivia said.

Alex smiled. "I'm glad you didn't have to spend Thanksgiving alone."

Olivia smirked. "Is that why you came over?"

Alex blushed. "Well…yeah."

"Thanks for the thought," Olivia said. She picked up the remote and turned on the TV.

"It's so good to see you again," Alex said, grabbing her and hugging her unexpectedly.

"You just saw me yesterday morning," Olivia said with a chuckle.

"It seems like a lot longer," Alex replied.

As Alex held her, Olivia wrinkled up her nose and frowned. She could smell an expensive cologne on her that she knew could only belong to Robert. She pulled back.

Alex gave her a puzzled look. "What's wrong?"

Olivia shook her head. "Nothing. It's just…you don't smell like you."

Alex realized that Olivia could smell Robert's cologne. Her mind flashed back to how Robert had held her close as they'd sat on the sofa in her brother's living room. Everyone there had commented on what a great couple they were, especially Victor. "We didn't have sex if that's what you're thinking."

"The fact that he's touching you in any way is bad enough," Olivia said.

"Liv…I don't wanna argue," Alex pleaded.

"I think I'm still exhausted from the fight we had a couple nights ago," Olivia joked.

Alex gave her a wicked grin. "I'm not so sure if it was the fight or _other_ activities," she replied.

Olivia smirked again. "How'd I know that was coming?"

"You can read me like a book."

"So how'd you enjoy your first Thanksgiving back in New York?" Olivia asked.

Alex sighed. "It felt good, a little unreal, though. My time in the program makes me appreciate the holidays even more."

"I guess you truly have a lot to give thanks for, huh?" Olivia replied.

"You're right," Alex said. She reached out to touch her hand. "And what I'm most thankful for is being able to spend some time with you tonight."

Olivia laughed. "Were you just planning on staking out my apartment all night?"

"If it came down to it," Alex replied, her lips slowly curling into a smile. "And if I got hungry…well, I could always sample a little of your food. By the way, I hope you enjoy the cranberry and pecan stuffing I made. I made sure to give you quite a generous portion."

"I look forward to trying it," Olivia replied.

"Victor, Katherine, and I decided to celebrate Christmas at the family house back in East Amherst. But it will be so lonely there without Mom."

"At least you have fond memories," Olivia said comfortingly.

"Yeah. So…" Alex began, twirling a finger around anxiously on the back of Olivia's hand. "I thought maybe we could talk."

"Cut right to the chase, huh?" Olivia said. "Go ahead. Talk away."

"Well, I'm sorry we fought the other night and…I thought we could come to an amiable resolution. The tension between us only leads to blowups, so can we agree to come to each other and talk before our tempers get the best of us and things get outta hand again?"

Olivia sighed. "I guess."

"And can we genuinely work on friendship again this time?" Alex asked hopefully.

"That's going to be pretty hard," Olivia confessed. She saw Alex's face fall. "But…I'll give it a shot."

Alex smiled again. "Thank you. That's all I can expect from you anyway."

"I'll try not to ignore your calls either," Olivia said with a lopsided grin.

Alex chuckled. "I'd appreciate that."

"But what I need for you to understand is that sometimes I really do need my space. I need you to respect that and not jump to conclusions."

Alex nodded. "I understand."

Olivia kicked off her shoes and Alex instinctively pulled her legs into her lap and started massaging a foot. "Um, Alex…as good as that feels, this can't happen. Friends don't massage each other's feet."

"Some friends do," Alex replied.

Olivia gave her a stern look. "Alex…"

"All right, all right," Alex replied, gently placing Olivia's feet back on the carpet.

"And I think we should establish a few other ground rules."

"Like what?"

"Rule number 1: no sex."

Alex smirked. "I figured."

"Rule number 2: no kissing."

Alex gasped. "Not even on the cheek?"

"Ok, only on the cheek," Olivia amended. "And no undressing in front of each other, no cuddling…"

"Liv, some friends cuddle!" Alex protested.

"Friends who aren't interested in each other romantically can cuddle. Since we don't fit that bill, we can't."

"Ok," Alex agreed softly. She turned her head slightly and her eye caught the statue she'd given Olivia. She stood up and walked over to it. Running a hand over it, she said, "You still have her."

"Are you surprised?" Olivia asked, looking over at her.

"Kinda," Alex responded truthfully. "I wouldn't have blamed you for throwing out everything I ever gave you."

"Can't say I wasn't tempted," Olivia said before she could stop herself.

Alex swallowed down the hurt she felt at the statement. "I see."

"Alex—"

"It's ok," Alex interrupted. "With how much I hurt you, it's understandable." She looked down for a second before cautiously meeting Olivia's eyes again. "I know I've asked this before, but…do you ever think you'll be able to forgive me?"

Olivia paused for a few seconds. "With time, maybe."

Alex didn't like the "maybe" at the end, but she would take whatever she could get at that point. She knew Olivia certainly didn't owe her forgiveness after everything she put her through. "So where do we go from here?"

Olivia let out a strained sigh. "I really don't know, Alex. Baby steps, I guess. It will be more difficult than usual dealing with all this because of Ro—your current situation."

Alex nodded. "You said before that when I'm with you, I'm the real me. And that's true. So when we're together, he doesn't exist."

"Alex, you can't just create some alternate reality for yourself. Being with me isn't going to make him magically disappear."

"I know, but I mean figuratively speaking. Besides…I need an ally," Alex admitted.

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "What happened to Serena?"

Alex sighed. "We aren't speaking," she quietly answered.

Olivia frowned. "And why not?"

"A couple weeks ago, I said something to her I shouldn't have regarding Abbie. We were arguing when I told her about Robert and I wasn't thinking. I haven't heard from her since."

Olivia shook her head in disappointment. "You sure do have a way with words, don't you, Cabot? You should apologize."

"I tried to when she was at my apartment, but she wasn't receptive."

"Did you try calling her?"

"No. I was afraid she wouldn't answer. I don't seem to have good luck in that department," she said, smiling pointedly at Olivia.

"Ya can't blame her, though. She has every right to be angry."

"I suppose you're right," Alex said, letting out another sigh. "You and Serena are the only ones who know my secret. Well, besides Liz and Elliot but they happened to find out by chance."

"So, what? Are you tryin' to keep us close because you're afraid that Serena or I will rat you out?"

"No, Liv. I know neither of you would. I just meant that it's good to have two people in my life I don't have to hide from."

Olivia nodded in understanding. "You need to do something soon. The longer you wait to apologize, the less of a chance you'll have for reconciliation."

"Any advice on what to do?" Alex asked, propping her elbow on the back of the sofa.

Olivia propped her elbow opposite Alex's. "Well…you could stop by her apartment. It's much better to deliver an apology in person."

"That sounds like a good idea. I hope she won't slam the door in my face."

"You have to be willing to take that risk," Olivia told her.

_I wish I had the courage to take an even bigger risk and come out for you_, Alex thought sadly.

About 45 minutes later, Olivia stood up and stretched. "Well, I need to turn in. I have a long day tomorrow."

Alex nodded, although she was disappointed that their night was coming to a close. Time had flown by so fast. She gave Olivia a quick hug and a soft kiss on the cheek. "I'll see you later."

Olivia smiled and walked her to the door. "Stay safe. Thanks again for the food."

Alex returned her smile. "No problem." She gently touched her arm and then walked out her apartment. As she walked to the elevator, she tried to calm the butterflies in her stomach. _I sure hope I can prove myself worthy of her friendship—and Serena's._


	21. Clemency

**Chapter 21: Clemency**

Two days later, Alex went over to Serena's. Taking a deep breath, she nervously rang the doorbell.

Serena had just stepped out of the shower. Quickly wrapping a towel around herself, she rushed to get the door as the doorbell rang a second time. "Coming! Just hold your horses!" _Who the hell could this be? _she wondered.

Looking through the peephole, she quickly found out exactly who was on the other side of the door. She had mixed feelings about opening it but finally decided to see what Alex wanted. Suppressing a groan, she unlocked the door and slowly opened it. For a few seconds, they just stared at each other.

Alex cleared her throat. "Um…hi."

Serena folded her arms. "Hello," she responded flatly.

"May I come in?" Alex asked.

Serena moved out of her way to let her by. Closing the door, she said, "So what brings you here?"

"I think we need to talk," Alex replied.

Serena raised her eyebrows. "We?"

Alex folded her hands across her stomach. "Ok, _I_ need to talk." She looked at the sofa. "May I sit down?"

"Whatever," Serena said. She sat down in her recliner and Alex took a seat on the sofa across from her. She looked at Alex and waited for her to speak again.

Alex took a deep breath and began, "I just want to apologize for making that dig about Abbie. I shouldn't have made a personal attack on you when you were only trying to help me."

"No, you shouldn't have," Serena responded coldly. "You're not the only one who has feelings, Alex."

"I know…and it won't happen again. I promise."

Serena furrowed her brow skeptically. "How can I be sure that it won't happen again?"

"Because I don't wanna lose someone who has stood by me through thick and thin. The thought of my best friend never speaking to me again because of my own hurtful words terrified me."

Serena nodded. "Well, I appreciate your apology. Just tell me something."

"Anything," Alex promised.

"What made you decide to come over and apologize after _two weeks_?" she inquired bitterly.

"Olivia," Alex said simply.

Serena's eyes widened. "Olivia Benson?"

Alex smiled. "Yes."

"So what made Liv start answering your calls?"

"Well…she somehow found out I was dating Robert. She showed up at my apartment earlier this week and started yelling at me like there was no tomorrow. We fought, I kissed her, one thing led to another and…we ended up in bed. She stayed the night."

Serena couldn't help but smile and her anger started to evaporate. "Somehow I don't think you're too disappointed about this occurrence."

Alex's eyes rolled up to the ceiling dreamily at the memory. "I'd be lying if I said I was. Our lovemaking has always been the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced."

"How'd she respond?"

"Well, Robert called the next morning and it spooked her. She said it couldn't happen again. So after I got back from Thanksgiving at Victor's, I went over to her place and brought her some food. We had a good talk; I asked for her hand in friendship and she said it would be hard, but she was willing to try. She set up some ground rules for us, though."

"Sometimes exes _can_ just be friends. I hope everything turns out ok."

"Me, too. Then I told her that you and I weren't speaking because I'd hurt your feelings, and she gave me advice on what to do."

Serena nodded. "She's good for you."

Alex sighed. "I wish I could be good for her, too."

Serena leaned back in her recliner and crossed her legs. "Well, you've gotta make some pretty drastic changes."

"H-how did you get the strength to come out?" Alex asked.

"I just got to a point where I said, 'You know what, I'm tired of living my life as a lie. Fuck what everyone thinks.' You remember that case I told you about where the high school girl accidentally killed her girlfriend because she was afraid of being outed?"

Alex nodded.

Serena continued, "Well, I can remember tearing up when we were in the conference room and she was confessing. At one point, she said, 'Nobody wants me to be gay—not my parents, not my friends, nobody.' I could really feel her pain because growing up with Catholic parents, I understood what it was like to constantly hear that being gay was wrong. Then later on Jack and I were in Nora's office and I wondered if Alicia would ever comes to terms with who she really was. Nora's response was, 'She'll have to face herself sooner or later.' That statement sent chills down my spine. That night when I went home I made the decision that it was time for me to face myself, too. You don't have to go out and announce at a press conference that you're gay, you just don't need to hide it anymore. I took it one step at a time."

Alex chuckled. "I sure wish I had your balls. People always say that love conquers all…but I'm not seeing how."

Serena leaned forward and clasped her hands together on her knees. She stared into Alex's eyes. "Look, love isn't your problem. Liv knows you love her and you know she loves you. But it takes more than love to make a relationship work. As Antoine de Saint Exupéry said, 'Aimer, ce n'est pas se regarder l'un l'autre, c'est regarder ensemble dans la même direction.'"

Alex translated the words in her head and repeated in English, "Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction."

Serena nodded. "Exactly. Right now, you guys are looking in two different directions. She wants to be open if she's with you, you don't. Until you're at that level, you two will always have problems," she explained.

Alex let the truth of Serena's words sink in. She wanted Serena to have faith in her; she wanted to have faith in herself. "If I ever reach that level, how will I know that Liv still wants to be with me?"

"There _is_ a chance she could tell you to hit the road. Can you really blame her?"

Alex scoffed. "Geez, thanks Serena."

"I'm just being realistic, Alex. But on the other hand, there is no statute of limitations on her love for you, so maybe she won't."

"Well, I certainly hope it's the latter."

"You have to do it first and foremost for yourself, _then_ Olivia. Do you constantly want to keep looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life for fear that your sexuality will be exposed? It's scary to come out, but once you've done it, it's unbelievable what a huge relief it is to no longer have that shadow looming over you."

"Some people lived their whole lives with that shadow. There are men and women now who have been married decades and are closeted to their spouses, their children, and the world."

"I know this. But do you really want to be one of them?"

"No…I just—" Alex faltered. She swallowed back her tears. "I just feel like I've been walking aimlessly in this dark tunnel my whole life with no sign of light at the end."

"It takes time. The light will come."

"I would like to come out if I could know for a fact that my experience would be mostly positive. But I feel like so many would lose respect for me that it wouldn't even be worth it. Half may hate me for being dishonest with myself and others for so long, and the other half may hate me for being a lesbian in the first place. What I'm afraid of most is that coming out would slowly kill me more than staying in. I can cope with my own demons, but I don't know if I can cope with having so many other people involved."

"You can't see into the future. You have to make decisions based on the best information you have at the time. Life is about taking risks. You go into a courtroom and do all you can to prosecute a criminal even when you know there's a chance you can lose, don't you?"

Alex sighed. "Yeah."

"Then it's the same with other things," Serena said. "Look at how brave Liv is. She risks her life everyday to keep this city safe."

A wide smile spread across Alex's face and her eyes automatically lit up. "She is quite an incredible woman."

Serena smirked. "It's nice to watch the 'tough as nails' Alex Cabot melt into a puddle of blubbering goo at the thought of Olivia Benson."

Alex laughed. "I'm not _that_ bad."

"No, you're actually just a little bit worse. So when is the next time you two are gonna hang out?"

"Probably sometime next week. I would've gone over tonight but I didn't wanna crowd her, ya know?"

"Yeah, you definitely don't want to make her run again," Serena said. Suddenly her phone started ringing. "Hello?" She smiled brightly when she heard the smooth, sexy voice on the other end. "You're on your way? Ok, I should be ready in about 10 minutes, so that's perfect. See ya soon." She put the receiver back in its cradle.

"Hot date?"

Serena stood up. "You could say that."

"Do I know her?" Alex asked curiously.

Serena smiled at her. "Kay Hartley."

Alex's mouth dropped open in a shocked laugh. "I thought you _hated_ her! You always said that you could look up 'snob' in the dictionary and her picture would be there."

Serena laughed. "I guess opposites attract."

"They must. Is this your first date?"

"Yeah. But she's been asking me out for so long that I finally said yes."

"Well, she is pretty hot—about as hot as any sleazy white collar defense attorney can be. Is she still at Whitman Worth?"

"You mean Whitman Worth and Hartley now," Serena corrected her. "It took her a few more tries after her aunt's case, but she finally got her name on the door."

"I hope she's enjoying that corner office."

Serena laughed again. "Oh, I'm sure she is."

"Is she good in bed?"

"I haven't slept with her—yet."

Alex gasped. "_Yet?_"

Serena cringed. "Did I say that out loud?"

"Very much so."

Serena shook her head. "Well, I'd love to entertain your queries into my love life a little longer, but I really need to get dressed."

Alex stood up and gave her a quick hug. "Have fun. Let me know how it went. I want _all_ the juicy details."

Serena was amused by Alex's excitement. "You're practically trembling in glee."

"Well…you deserve someone special. Maybe Kay's not so bad after all."

"Thanks for the vote, Alex. But it's _just_ a date."

Alex smirked. "A _first_ date, which will most likely lead to a second and a third and a fourth—"

"All right. Out now," Serena ordered, laughing and pushing Alex toward her door.

"Ok, ok," Alex conceded. She turned around and smiled at her. "I'm glad to have my best friend again."

Serena smiled in return. "Welcome back."


	22. Small Favors

**Chapter 22: Small Favors**

"I really enjoyed meeting all your coworkers tonight," Robert replied with a warm smile as they arrived at Alex's door.

Alex smiled back. "I'm sure they all enjoyed meeting you as well." _Well, most of them_, she thought. Arthur Branch had taken quite a liking to Robert, and she was proud to have her boss's approval. But she remembered how Jim's face completely fell when she had walked in with Robert. She had tried to make their introduction as smooth as possible before quickly moving on to the next person. Luckily, Jim had managed to plaster a smile on his face long enough to shake his hand and exchange a few pleasantries. After making her rounds, when she wasn't glued to Robert's side, she busied herself with conversing with her coworkers and staff. Save for some small talk with Jim when they found themselves alone at the punch bowl, she tried to ignore him as much as possible for the duration of the party.

Robert brushed some hair back from her face. "What are your plans for the rest of the night?" He secretly hoped that she would invite him in for a few minutes, if not longer.

Alex sighed. "I have to prepare notes for a few meetings tomorrow, and after that I'll probably take a long, hot bath and then turn in."

Robert nodded regretfully. "I understand. Well, don't work yourself too hard, sweetie."

She pulled him to her and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "I'll try not to. Have a good night."

"I will. Give me a call later if you're not too busy."

"All right," Alex agreed. She watched the elevator doors close on him and then went into her apartment.

After a quick shower, she changed into a fresh set of clothes and grabbed her coat, keys, and purse. She had a special errand to run before she reached the destination she'd been dreaming about all night—Olivia's.

* * *

Olivia looked through her peephole and was surprised to see Alex standing there with her hands tucked sneakily behind her back. She opened the door and Alex quickly brought her hands forward, revealing a bouquet of red roses. "Surprise!" Alex said, grinning widely.

"Alex, what did we—" Olivia began.

"Don't be alarmed, silly. These are for your centerpiece, not you."

"Don't split hairs, Alex," Olivia said, shaking her head but taking the bouquet from her anyway.

Alex walked in and closed the door. "How was your day?"

"Pretty good. Although I could've done without Elliot's off-key caroling at the party tonight."

Alex laughed. "There was a lot of that over at the courthouse. And trust me, it's even worse when it's _drunken_ off-key caroling. The whole time I was there, I was thinking about how I missed the Christmas parties at the precinct. All you guys really made me feel like part of the team."

"Well, you _were_ part of the team," Olivia said matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, I know. But what I mean is that I didn't feel like an ADA. I just felt like they accepted me as if I were a fellow cop."

Olivia smiled. "We all miss ya. You should stop by more often."

Alex nodded. "I'll have to do just that." She took the roses from Olivia and carefully arranged them in the vase on the sofa table. "Don't these just liven up the room?"

"I guess they do. They are beautiful."

"But not as beautiful as you."

Olivia cocked her head. "Alex…"

"Hey, can't friends give each other compliments?" Alex asked with a mischievous grin.

Olivia rolled her eyes in mock disgust. "You were practically licking your lips as you said it."

"And that's a bad thing because…?"

Olivia couldn't stop herself from laughing. "You're lucky I'm not kicking you out of my place right now."

"For such a minor offense?" Alex teased.

"But your minor offenses often turn into major ones." Alex started to say something but Olivia continued, "And don't even make a joke about me handcuffing you."

Alex chuckled. "No wonder you're such a great detective."

"Buttering me up, Cabot?"

"Just stating the obvious. By the way, how's it going over there?"

"Good. We just wrapped up a case where a little boy witnessed his mother get shot. It turned out that the killer was a philanthropist named Ted Carthage, who used Nathan's mom's meth addiction to turn her into his prostitute. Nathan shot him in revenge."

"How old is he?"

"Fourteen," Olivia answered.

"Did he have a good lawyer?"

"Yeah, Sophie Devere."

"Was he convicted?"

"No. Casey had offered Nathan a plea bargain, but the proceedings were interrupted when Mrs. Carthage's lawyer showed up and gave Donnelly a restraining order barring her from accepting Nathan's plea."

"Why?" Alex wanted to know.

"The NGA got involved to contest research showing that witnessing gun violence bred more violence because they were afraid they'd be held accountable for kids committing murders," Olivia explained. "So Casey and Liz teamed up with Nathan's defense attorney against Carthage's."

"Who was representing the Carthage family?"

"Mike Geddes. He wanted Nathan to testify in the hopes that he would incriminate himself. But by doing that, he fell right into their trap. Devere asked Liz for a mistrial and she granted the motion, then Casey pitched in and got Judge Malloy to dismiss the evidentiary hearing."

Alex smiled and nodded in understanding. "That's the perfect strategy; that idiot forced him to violate his right against self-incrimination and practically freed him himself. I can't stand Geddes anyway. Mike Randolph was up against him not too long ago, and luckily he wiped the floor with him."

Olivia smiled. "Good."

"So what happened to Nathan?" Alex asked. "Did he end up in the system?"

"I introduced him to his new foster parents after everything was dismissed. He trusts me; we formed a nice little bond. That was a couple days ago, so I hope he's settling in fine. I'll probably call next week to check up on him."

"You've always been so great with kids," Alex said, giving her an admiring smile. "Is Liz still over the moon about being on the bench?"

"Oh yeah. She's lovin' it. It's too bad that they can't transfer you back over to SVU. You'd be great as our bureau chief."

Alex smiled. "That would be wonderful. Who knows? If they don't fill the spot, maybe I will be at some later point."

"Yeah." Olivia stood up and offered, "You want some eggnog?"

"Well, I had a cup at the party, but I'll gladly take some of yours."

Olivia returned a couple minutes later with some eggnog and a plate of cookies. "I brought some cookies back from the party. Wanna help me finish them?"

"I'd love to," Alex said, eagerly reaching for a cookie. "These are so good!" She reached for her mug and took a sip of eggnog. "And I love how you sprinkled nutmeg on top just how I like it."

"Thankful for small favors, huh?" Olivia asked, wrapping her fingers around her own mug and drinking some. She looked over at Alex again and suddenly started laughing.

Alex looked at her curiously and asked, "What is it?"

"You have a mustache," Olivia informed her.

Alex ran her tongue above her mouth. "Is it gone?"

"Yeah," Olivia answered. "Oh, how I wish I'd had my camera handy. Can you imagine if I hung a photo up in your bureau somewhere? I wonder how your ADAs would react to seeing their strict chief with an eggnog mustache."

Alex laughed. "That would be pretty funny." An idea suddenly popped into her head. "Are you going to be free next week?"

Olivia creased her brow. "Why?"

"Well, I thought we could spend some time together again before Christmas."

Olivia knew Alex had something up her sleeve; she could tell from the excited twinkle in her eye. "I dunno. It depends on what day and what comes up."

"Well, call me next week and let me know."

Olivia folded her arms. "You're not gonna blindfold me and lead me to a bed covered with rose petals, are you?"

"No," Alex said. "I was hoping I could be creative and decorate the kitchen countertop with petals instead."

"Alex!" Olivia gasped, throwing a pillow at her.

The pillow bounced off Alex's arm onto the floor. "I was kidding!" she insisted. She picked up the pillow. "Don't worry, you won't object to anything I have planned."

Olivia cocked her eyebrow and let a small smile cross her face. "We'll see."


	23. Winter Wonderland

**Chapter 23: Winter Wonderland**

On the night before Christmas Eve, Olivia opened her door to find Alex standing there shivering with two large gift bags.

"Did you bring tidings of great joy?" Olivia teased.

Alex laughed. "Well, I certainly hope so!" She shook the snow off herself and wiped her feet on the doormat before making her way inside.

Olivia took the bags from her so Alex could take off her coat, scarf, and gloves. She'd always thought that lavender was a great color on Alex in the same way that Alex thought it was a great color on her. Her lavender sweater and scarf really brought out the blue of her eyes, and her light wash denim jeans perfectly highlighted legs that never seemed to end.

"Staring at my ass?" Alex joked, looking over her shoulder.

"I was just admiring your jeans," Olivia said with a smile.

"I dressed to impress," Alex responded with a wink.

Olivia went over to the couch and sat down. "So what's in these bags?"

Alex looked in one of the bags and pulled out a large silver box with a blue bow, which she presented to Olivia. "Santa asked me to make a special delivery for him. He said you'd been a very good girl this year."

Smirking, Olivia untied the bow and pulled off the lid. Her eyes began to water when she saw what was inside. "A pair of skates?"

Alex beamed widely. "Well, I remembered your story about how you and your mom would skate at Rockefeller Center when you were a kid. So I thought we could make some new memories while you get to relive some of the old."

Olivia picked up the white figure skates and turned them over in her hands. "These are so beautiful! They remind me of the ones I had when I was a little girl!"

Alex nodded. "I bought myself a matching pair."

"These look custom made," Olivia commented.

"They are," Alex replied.

Olivia's mouth dropped open. For a few seconds she was speechless. "Alex…you didn't have to go to all this trouble."

"It wasn't any," Alex insisted, smiling into her eyes.

Olivia brushed away the tears that had started to fall down her cheeks. "Thank you!" she exclaimed, grabbing Alex and pulling her into a crushing hug.

Alex held Olivia in her arms and felt her own tears prick the back of her eyes. A hug had never brought her as much pleasure as it did at that moment. She hadn't known that the skates would move Olivia to such emotion, and it made her heart overflow her with happiness to know that they did. "I'm glad you like them," she whispered in her ear.

"I can't wait to try these on!" Olivia exclaimed, pulling back from her and stroking her new skates. She took the guards off and cautiously ran a finger down a blade. "They're so sharp, too!"

"And that's not all," Alex said, pulling three packages out of the second gift bag.

Olivia tore off the wrapping paper and opened the boxes. One package contained a white cashmere scarf with matching beanie, another contained a blue v-neck cashmere sweater, and the smallest one contained a pair of black leather gloves that matched Alex's own.

Olivia laughed and ran her hand over the scarf and sweater. "I feel like a kid on Christmas morning!"

"Well, we're only two days away, so it's close enough," Alex said with a grin. She picked up the beanie and put it on Olivia's head. "Gotta keep you warm on the ice."

"It fits snug," Olivia commented, smoothing the beanie over her hair.

"Good," Alex replied.

Olivia put her skates in the custom saddle bag that came with them. "I can't believe you monogrammed my initials on this bag!"

"I thought it would be a nice touch," Alex replied.

"So what's on the agenda for tonight?" Olivia asked, taking off her beanie.

"I got a private skating session for us," Alex said.

Olivia's eyes widened. "Private? This close to Christmas?"

"Yes; I took care of everything last week. What can I say? You deserve the VIP treatment. Then we'll have dinner at Sea Grill and go on a carriage ride through Central Park."

Olivia laughed; she was delighted at what Alex's plan entailed but wanted to make sure there wasn't a catch. "And just what do you expect in return for all this?"

Alex placed a hand gently on her shoulder. "Nothing but your company. Just think of this as an early Christmas present."

Olivia looked down at Alex's hand and then back into her eyes. "Well, in that case, let's get this party started. Just let me go change."

She came out of her bedroom a few minutes later. As soon as Alex laid eyes on her, she stood up. _Wow, she's absolutely mesmerizing_, Alex thought, trying to quell the ache in her heart and the butterflies in her stomach. She quietly admired how Olivia's jeans hugged her hips and how her red sweater showed just enough cleavage to entice her but not enough to drive her absolutely crazy.

When she could finally force her mouth to form words again, she said, "You look great."

"Thanks," Olivia replied, pulling on her coat and gloves. She looked in the mirror and adjusted her beanie over her ears.

Alex began putting on her outerwear again. She then picked up Olivia's scarf and wrapped it around her neck. "Ready to go? I have my car with me."

"Ready if you are," Olivia said, grabbing her skates.

Alex held the door open for her. With a warm smile, she said, "After you, Detective."

* * *

When they got to Rockefeller Center, scores of tourists and natives were already gathered around the tree. They slowly navigated the crowd until they'd made their way to the front. "Oh, look how beautiful it is tonight!" Olivia exclaimed, looking up at the massive tree with its 30,000 sparkling lights. The Norway spruce stood at 74 feet tall, 42 feet wide, and weighed 9 tons.

Alex smiled and placed a hand on her back. "I know."

Olivia leaned into Alex and pointed to the 9 ½ foot Swarovski crystal star. "My mom used to let me put the star on the Christmas tree. But it was never as striking as this."

"And I bet not nearly as heavy," Alex mused. "Every year I used to fight with my brother and sister over who got to put the star on our tree."

Olivia chuckled. Next, she pointed to the trumpeting angels that lined the Channel Gardens. "Aren't they gorgeous?"

"Yes," Alex agreed breathlessly. "They're pristine."

"I feel like crying," Olivia revealed. "This is all just so…just so…"

Alex softly brushed her cheek. "I'm afraid your tears would freeze."

Olivia turned to her and laughed. "Yeah, they probably would."

"Are your hands cold?" Alex asked.

"No. These gloves are really warm."

"Good. I didn't want you to get frostbite out here," Alex joked.

Olivia deeply inhaled the fresh scent of the spruce needles. Memories from her childhood flooded back as she thought about how she'd pick some up that had fallen off the tree so she could take a piece of the scene home with her. She looked around the plaza. With all the people bustling about—laughing, talking, eating, singing, and gazing—it seemed to be a city within a city.

Alex pulled her digital camera out of her pocket and asked a man near them, "Would you mind taking a few pictures of us?"

The man smiled and took the camera. "Not at all."

Alex and Olivia wrapped their arms around each other's waists and smiled brightly into the lens. Next, they tried a few different poses. After the pictures were taken, Alex thanked the man and showed Olivia the pictures. "Aren't these great?" she asked.

Olivia looked at the pictures and laughed. "Yeah. Elliot will flip when he sees these!"

"I especially like this one where we're looking into each other's eyes and laughing," Alex said, pointing to the screen. "You always look so beautiful when you laugh."

Olivia pressed the arrow to get to the next picture. Their foreheads were pressed together and they were smiling at each other as if neither had a care in the world. "We look so—"

"In love," Alex finished softly. "Sometimes I forget we aren't a couple anymore."

_I do, too_, Olivia thought. She tried to joke it off to lighten the air. "Just make sure your lips and hands don't forget it."

Alex laughed and shook her head. "You're somethin' else, Liv."

After spending a few more moments looking up at the tree, it was time for their skating session. They went downstairs and Alex turned in their admission passes. Once they had put their things in lockers, they put on their skates and headed out to the rink.

Olivia looked up at the crowd that had gathered around the railing. "I think we're gonna be celebrities tonight."

Alex laughed. "Oh, come on. Both our faces have been in the newspapers and on TV plenty of times."

"That's true," Olivia said.

Alex presented her hand to Olivia. "We have the rink to ourselves for 30 minutes. Wanna skate together?"

Giving her a lopsided grin, Olivia accepted her hand and they slowly started skating around the rink. "Don't use this as an excuse to pull me down flat on my ass."

Alex smiled at her and replied, "Afraid all the sightseers will laugh at you?"

"I just would prefer not to have a sore tush tonight."

"Well…"

Olivia gave her a serious look. "No, you're not gonna rub it, kiss it, or any combination of the two."

Alex threw back her head and laughed heartily. "Who says I was gonna volunteer?"

"Are you saying you wouldn't jump at the chance?"

"Is that a trick question?" Alex teased.

Olivia shook her head and skated off ahead of Alex. She thought about how much bigger the rink seemed without so many others on it. "Don't fall, Cabot!" she called out.

"Hey! Get back here!" Alex ordered, speeding up to catch up to her. She put her hands on Olivia's waist and said, "Keep skating."

Olivia looked over her shoulder at Alex's grinning face. She couldn't stop her heart from skipping a beat at Alex's rosy cheeks that contrasted perfectly with her porcelain skin. A glow seemed to surround her entire face. "If those hands go any lower…"

Alex's grin widened. "I'm just making sure I don't fall."

Olivia continued to push forward with Alex right behind her. She really didn't mind Alex's hands on her waist; in fact, she found their soft weight comforting.

The light scent of Olivia's perfume wafted back to meet Alex's nose. She smelled so delicious. Alex wanted to snuggle in as close as possible to her but didn't want to make her uncomfortable. She was content to just have the privilege of touching her at all.

After they made a few more rounds, Olivia reached back and gently removed Alex's hands. Alex moved to her side again and Olivia clasped her hand. They both felt like they were on top of the world as they skated hand in hand around the rink. The wind stinging their cheeks and the sound of their crisp blades hitting the ice was exhilarating. The lights of the Christmas tree shone brightly and reflected colorful designs upon the ice.

When they reached the statue of Prometheus, Olivia turned around to face Alex and grabbed her other hand. Then she started skating backwards.

Alex let herself glide as Olivia propelled them backwards. "Getting bold, Benson?"

"Oh yeah," Olivia said with a nod. She looked over her shoulder and started to speed up. "Think you can keep up?"

Alex gripped Olivia's hands tighter as they rounded the bend. "I like a challenge."

Olivia's blades kicked up shavings as she glided effortlessly across the ice. "Well, in that case…" She began to skate even faster.

Alex suddenly felt her hands start to slip out of Olivia's grasp. "Whoa, Liv! Slow down a little!"

"I thought you said you liked a challenge!"

"Yeah, but not at the speed of light!" She tried to tighten her grasp on Olivia's hands but instead started to lose her balance.

To keep Alex from toppling backwards, Olivia grabbed her hands and sharply pulled her forward. However, she pulled a little too hard and Alex ended up plowing into her, which in turn made her lose her own bearing. She fell back onto the ice with Alex falling right on top of her.

Both of them burst out laughing. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you had this planned all along!" Olivia joked.

"To almost break my neck skating? I don't think so!" Alex said, collapsing into another fit of laughter. "It's a good thing you caught me!" She smiled down at her. "You're always saving me," she continued softly.

Olivia's laughter dissolved into a soft smile that mirrored Alex's. "Yeah, I guess I am."

They suddenly both became silent. Their lips were less than an inch apart. _So close_, Alex thought. At that exact moment it was as if no one else existed in the world but them. She wanted so badly to kiss Olivia, and she could tell by the way Olivia was staring into her eyes that she felt the same way. However, she had to control herself. She had to respect Olivia's limits on their friendship and prove to her that she _could_ honor them.

A million thoughts were going through Olivia's head at that moment. _What's she gonna do? Is she gonna kiss me? Can I stop myself from kissing her? Will this mess up our friendship? Will we end up making love again? Should I look away? Should I say something? Should I attempt to get up and start skating again as if nothing happened? Does she know how many people are watching us right now? Does she care?_

Luckily, Alex made the decision for her. Slowly and regretfully, she pushed herself up. She reached down to offer her hands to Olivia. Smiling up at her with a still racing heart, Olivia gladly took her hands and let her help pull her up.

"Sorry about your tush," Alex said with an apologetic smile.

"It'll be ok," Olivia responded, brushing the ice off her ass.

Alex reached for her hands again. "I haven't had this much fun in ages."

Olivia started spinning them around on the ice. "I haven't either," she admitted. She felt a familiar feeling of euphoria, enhanced only by being on the ice with Alex. As the world whizzed past them, Alex's face was the only thing that wasn't a blur.

"I think I'm getting dizzy!" Alex announced.

Olivia laughed. "I'll slow us down then."

Once they came to a halt, light snow began falling again. Olivia thought Alex looked especially beautiful with the flakes settling on her long eyelashes. With each blink, the little flakes would vanish—only to have fresh ones appear when her lids rose again. The whole cycle reminded her of death and rebirth.

A snowflake fell on Olivia's nose and Alex tapped it with her finger. "Sorry, I couldn't resist," Alex insisted.

Olivia unwrapped Alex's scarf and pulled her forward by the ends. "You can't resist a lot of things, huh?"

Alex stretched her arms out at her sides to balance herself. "Make sure you don't pull me down flat on my face!"

"Don't worry, babe. I got ya," she assured her. Suddenly, she got a wicked idea in her head. She pulled Alex's scarf off her neck and sailed off with it.

"Hey, come back here!" Alex demanded, hurrying after her. She smiled to herself at hearing Olivia call her "babe." She wondered if Olivia had realized the term she'd used or if she really hadn't given it a second thought at all. _Don't read too much into it,_ she warned herself.

Olivia laughed and skated faster. "Catch me if you can!"

Alex caught up to her and retrieved her scarf. "Got it!"

"Here, let me help you," Olivia offered. She wrapped the scarf around Alex's neck.

Alex blushed at feeling Olivia's fingers brush against her throat. Of course, this did not go unnoticed by Olivia, who gave her a shit-eating grin. "Feeling a little warm?" she asked.

Alex smiled. "I can't help it," she said sheepishly.

"Just don't get too warm. Don't want your body heat making the ice melt," Olivia teased, skating off again. She then lifted her left leg and extended it straight back as she continued to glide across the ice.

"You look so graceful, Liv!" Alex called out, watching her in awe as she skated past Prometheus.

With her leg still poised in the air, Olivia returned to Alex and started skating around her. Alex turned around so that her eyes could follow her; she was amazed at her dexterity and elegance on the ice. When Olivia dropped her leg and grabbed her hand, Alex raised her arm above her head and twirled Olivia clockwise under it. She then twirled her in the opposite direction and titled her backward over her arm so that one leg was raised to the open sky. Alex's breath caught in her chest as the light hit Olivia's blade at just the right angle and caused it to twinkle. Applause and cheers erupted from street level.

When she had both feet back on the ice, Olivia turned around and hugged her neck. "A little ballroom dancing, Counselor?"

Alex wrapped her arms around her waist and replied, "Just thought I'd have a little fun with ya."

"Speaking of fun, wanna try something?"

Alex was so happy to be with her that if Olivia had suggested bungee jumping off the Empire State Building, she just might have agreed to it. "Sure," she said with a glowing smile.

"Ok. Try skating on one leg," Olivia suggested, letting her go.

Alex skated a few paces and then cautiously lifted her leg back a bit. "I'm a little nervous about this."

"Come on, lean forward and just carry your leg back. I'm not gonna let you fall," Olivia promised, giving her an encouraging smile.

That smile was all Alex needed. She lifted her leg all the way back and felt a rush go through her as she glided across the ice.

"You look great, Alex!" Olivia said.

Alex skated back toward Olivia and asked, "Can you do a figure-eight?"

Olivia grinned. "I thought you'd never ask." As she skated, she crossed her legs over one another to gain speed. Then she tilted her leg back again and skated into a figure-eight.

"That was perfect!" Alex said, applauding.

Olivia came to a stop right in the center of the figure-eight. "Thanks."

"Can you do it backwards?" Alex asked.

"I aim to please," Olivia answered. She started doing a backwards crossover and when she felt comfortable with the speed she'd gained, she stretched her leg out and did a backwards figure-eight.

Alex clapped again and many of the people watching from above did as well. "Absolutely beautiful. Can you help me do one?"

"Sure. Just give me your hands."

Sticking her leg out again, Alex held out her hands to Olivia. "Ok, I'm ready."

Olivia pulled Alex forward and guided her into a figure-eight. "That's it. You're doing great."

After completing the figure-eight, Alex stood up straight again. "Thank you."

"No problem," Olivia said, flashing her another smile.

After a few more minutes, their session was up and they both hated to see it end. "I had a really great time," Olivia told Alex.

Alex sighed happily. "So did I. We'll have to do this more often."

Olivia laughed as they stepped off the ice. "I don't think you'll wanna spend that kinda money on a regular basis to get us private sessions."

Alex smiled and linked her arm through hers. "It would be totally worth it."

Olivia took her things out of her locker and began unlacing her skates. "Alex, I really appreciate you doing this for my Christmas present…but just because you have the money doesn't mean you should always spend it."

"But if I'm gonna spend it, I can't think of another person I'd rather spend it on."

"Alex, what drew me to you in the first place wasn't your wealth, but it was the fact that you were a remarkable, strong, confident woman who secretly has a big heart under that tough exterior. I liked the fact that your wealth didn't define you like it did so many other people who came from rich backgrounds."

Alex put her hand on her knee. "That hasn't changed. I just think you deserve to experience the finer things in life."

Olivia smiled. Other people had started piling in, so she leaned in and whispered, "But remember? We're just friends."

Alex moved closer to her on the bench to avoid being squished by kids pushing and shoving. She whispered back, "Friends who are madly in love with each other. That makes all the difference."

Olivia looked at her with a special softness in her eyes that Alex hadn't seen in a long time. "Yeah," she agreed.

Alex put her skates in her saddle bag and stood up. "Ready for dinner? Our reservation is in 15 minutes."

Olivia stood up, too. "I guess all that skating worked up an appetite."

When they arrived at the Sea Grill, the maitre'd cheerily greeted them and requested that they check their coats. After Alex checked their coats and skates and put their claim tickets in her purse, the maitre'd asked what name their reservations were under. Alex told him, "Cabot, party of two."

The maitre'd checked their reservation and nodded. "Yes, of course, Ms. Cabot. Right this way." He led them to a table that offered a perfect view of Prometheus and the skaters on the ice.

"Great location, Alex," Olivia remarked.

"I know. Now it's our turn to watch the skaters make a fool of themselves."

The sommelière showed them the wine list. After she had offered her opinions of the wines and their complementary foods, she asked if they wanted to make a selection.

"What would you like, Liv?" Alex asked.

"The Pinot Grigio will be fine," Olivia said.

Alex looked at the sommelière and smiled. "I'll have the same, please."

The waiter brought them a plate of the restaurant's special cheese toast and the sommelière promptly returned with their glasses of wine. Their waiter then proceeded to explain the dishes of the prix-fixe three course holiday menu and the seafood bar platters. After they had placed their orders, he took the menus and went off to service another table. Alex took a sip of her wine and said, "This is very good."

"So is this bread," Olivia said, taking another bite and washing it down with a sip of water. She looked around. The soft, sophisticated, frosted blue decor of the restaurant with its bubbled floor tiling made it seem as if they were dining underwater.

Their glasses of water weren't even a quarter empty when the busboy came to refill them. "Wow, that was quick," Olivia said.

Alex laughed. "Well, at least we know our glasses will never be empty."

The waiter returned a few minutes later with their first courses. He presented Olivia with the trio of tuna tartare and Alex with the Sea Grill chowder with lobster, shrimp, and clams. Olivia's tuna tartare was topped with a tiny half shell quail egg. A member of the waiter's support staff placed two Kumamoto oysters topped with sturgeon caviar beside each of their appetizers.

"That looks beautiful, Liv," Alex said, scooping up some of her chowder and admiring Olivia's tartare.

"I'm sure it tastes just as beautiful," Olivia said. She tasted one of the delicate little mounds and nodded appreciatively. "Yummy. How's your soup?"

Alex wiped her mouth with her napkin. "Good. I like that it's not too dense. Perfect texture. Wanna try some?" She held her spoon out to Olivia and cradled her hand underneath it.

Olivia took the spoon into her mouth. She'd never really liked it when other people fed her, but Alex had always been the exception. "That's great."

"Taste your oysters," Alex requested after trying one herself.

Olivia scooped one of the oysters out of the shell. "They're so fresh."

"I know. It's like they just caught them," Alex replied.

"And the caviar is a very nice touch. Delicious," Olivia added.

Several minutes later, the waiter and his staff brought out their entrées, which consisted of the jumbo lump crab cakes with grainy mustard sauce, fennel fronds, and Yukon gold potato chips for Olivia and the wild striped bass a la plancha with arugula, sweet potato purée, and orange Yuzu sauce for Alex.

The sommelière returned to see if they would like another glass of wine to complement their meals. Alex politely declined since she was driving. Olivia, however, requested a glass of Alsace Riesling, which the sommelière quickly brought her.

"This wine goes great with this crab," Olivia said.

Alex smiled. "Kinda makes me wish we'd taken a cab."

"Well, you haven't even finished your glass yet. You can get some with dessert and just take a couple sips and you'll be fine."

Alex swirled her wine in her glass and then washed down a bite of her bass. "Just wanna make sure we get home safely."

"I'm sure we will. Would you like some of my crab?" Olivia offered.

"Yes, please," Alex replied.

Olivia scooped some up on her fork and held it out to Alex. Alex's eyes rolled back in her head as she exclaimed, "Oh my gosh, that is _divine_! So plump and sweet!"

"I guess next time you'll have to get the crab cakes," Olivia said.

Alex returned the favor by feeding Olivia some of her bass. "How do you like it?"

"It's pretty good," Olivia said, wiping her mouth. "But not a match for my crab," she added with a grin.

While they were eating their entrées, the maitre'd came over to their table and asked, "How are you lovely ladies enjoying your meal this evening?"

"It's superb," Olivia complimented. "The crab cakes are the best I've tasted in the city."

"Absolutely delectable," Alex added. "The bass is really tender and the plating was beautiful."

The maitre'd smiled. "Glad to hear that. Were your dishes delivered promptly?"

Alex nodded. "Yes, the service has been impeccable. Thank you."

The maitre'd nodded. "Good, good. Well, enjoy the rest of your meal and do let me know if you encounter any problems."

Olivia looked out at the skaters. "If I had a dollar for everyone who's fallen in the past 10 minutes…"

Alex chuckled. "They are quite comical, aren't they? It's a good thing we didn't have to share the ice."

After the busboy cleared their dishes, the sommelière brought out their wine and desserts—chocolate soufflé with pistachio ice cream, accompanied by a glass of Sandeman Port. Their waiter brought them each a cup of cappuccino.

Alex sipped her cappuccino and dug her fork into the decadent soufflé. "Oh my, heaven can't even taste this good!"

Olivia waggled her eyebrows and tasted her own. "I have to agree with you there."

Alex held up her glass of Port to toast Olivia's. "To a wonderful evening, wonderful cuisine, and a wonderful woman."

Smiling, Olivia held up her glass and proceeded to clink it against Alex's. "Thank you for the best Christmas present ever."

"And thank you for sharing this evening with me," Alex replied.

After Alex paid for their meal, they both graciously thanked the maitre'd. Then Alex turned in their claim tickets to get their things and they exited the restaurant and took the elevator up to 49th Street.

"That was the best seafood I've ever had," Olivia said as they got off the elevator and started walking to the parking garage.

Alex smiled. "I'm glad you enjoyed it."

Olivia put her hands on her stomach. "God, I'm so full! It's a good thing we didn't eat before skating."

Alex laughed. "Yeah, because when we fell down on the ice I don't think we would've been able to get back up!"

After they put their things in Alex's car, they started walking up 5th Avenue for their carriage ride. When they reached the corner of 5th Avenue and 59th Street, there were several carriages lined up from which they could choose.

"Go ahead. Pick one, Liv," Alex said, putting a hand on her back.

Olivia looked over the row of horses and her eyes settled on a beautiful dappled gray Percheron, who snorted and stomped his hoof impatiently on the pavement as if he was aching for her to choose him. "This one's perfect," Olivia said, smiling at the horse.

"Fine choice," the driver said, giving her a bright smile. "He's the best horse out here."

"He's beautiful," Olivia said, petting him. "What's his name?"

The driver, who was dressed in the customary long coat and top hat answered, "Goliath."

"It's very fitting," Olivia replied.

After Alex had paid and discussed the route she wished to take, the driver helped them up into the plush velvet-lined carriage. "Watch your step, ladies."

They huddled together to keep warm while the driver took his seat. With a crack of the whip, the carriage rumbled off. Alex tucked the blanket that she'd gotten from her trunk comfortably across their laps.

"How come we never did this when we were dating?" Olivia whispered in Alex's ear.

Alex turned to her and replied, "You know…I really don't know. But better late than never, right?"

"Right," Olivia said. Before she knew it, she'd placed her hand on top of Alex's under the blanket.

Alex thought her heart would leap out of her chest. She smiled softly into her eyes and Olivia smiled back. For a few minutes, neither of them said anything. The rhythmic beating of the horse's hooves on the pavement coincided well with their melody of silence.

It started snowing again. Olivia held out her tongue to catch a few snowflakes and Alex followed her lead. Alex brushed some of the flakes off the ends of Olivia's hair. Olivia breathed deeply to inhale the aura of the atmosphere. The snowflakes danced in the air before gracefully weaving a light blanket over the streets.

Central Park was a magical place during Christmastime, especially at night. The pleasant atmosphere transformed the park into a whimsical sanctuary away from the thrumming hubbub of the city. When they passed Wollman Rink and the zoo, Alex asked, "Do you remember when you, Elliot, and I joined Katie Tolliver and her mom at the zoo?"

Olivia nodded; she remembered the day vividly. "Katie was such a sweet girl. She always loved a trip to the zoo."

After passing the carousel, they marched toward the Tavern on the Green. Bright white Christmas lights wrapping every inch of the trees and bushes, Japanese lanterns, and the elaborate decorations on and around the restaurant only served to increase the ambiance of their ride. The colorful lights that covered the menagerie of animal topiaries made them seem to come to life and join them on their journey through the eclectic Xanadu.

"This place is like something out of a fairytale," Olivia marveled.

Alex relished watching Olivia's face light up for what seemed to be the hundredth time that night. She wanted to put her arm around her and hold her closer, but she thought she should get her permission first. So cautiously lifting an arm, she asked, "May I?"

Olivia smiled. _What the hell_, she thought. "Sure."

Overjoyed, Alex placed her arm around her shoulders. "Thank you for making my first Christmas back home the best of my life."

Olivia looked at her. "It's not exactly Christmas yet."

"It is to me," Alex responded. With her free hand, she pulled the blanket up more and then began playing with Olivia's rings under it as the carriage approached Strawberry Fields.

The glow from the Tavern on the Green followed them to other parts of the park. Next on their path were Cherry Hill and Bethesda Fountain. Although the fountain ran dry for the winter, the bronze angel remained on duty to guard her cherubs and the terrace.

After they enjoyed the serenity of the park for a little while longer, it all seemed to be over too soon as the driver returned to the spot where he'd picked them up. He helped them down from the carriage, thanked Alex for her generous tip, and bid them good night.

Alex looked at her watch as they began walking back toward Rockefeller Center. "Well, it's officially Christmas Eve."

"Yep," Olivia said. She presented her arm to Alex, who gladly accepted. Warm lights and plentiful decorations glittered in store windows, and they stopped from time to time to comment on ones that particularly stood out to them.

As they continued to walk, a lesbian couple walked toward them. Hand in hand, they were laughing and kissing each other as they strolled happily through the snow. As their eyes met Alex and Olivia's, the women gave them a nod and a knowing smile. Alex felt a familiar longing in her heart, wishing she could be as free with her beloved as they were with each other.

Olivia glanced over her shoulder after they passed and commented, "They're a pretty cute couple."

"Yeah…" Alex agreed. Little did she know, the couple was saying the same thing about them…

* * *

"It's freezing!" Olivia said, rushing over to her thermostat and turning on the heat.

Alex shivered. "I have to agree. But we'll be warm soon."

"How about I make us some hot apple cider to speed up the process?" Olivia suggested.

Alex smiled. "I'd like that very much."

Olivia returned a few minutes later with two mugs of warm apple cider. Alex nodded her thanks and eagerly took a sip. "Mmm, Liv…this hits the spot."

"Apple cider always does," Olivia replied, sliding off her boots.

"Are your feet sore?" Alex asked.

Olivia shook her head. "No. They just need to breathe a bit. By the way, those skates were really comfortable."

"Good. Didn't want your feet to get blistered."

Olivia downed the rest of her cider. "Before I forget, I have a couple presents for you, too," she said, getting up and retreating to her bedroom.

Alex hadn't really expected Olivia to get her anything, so she was pleasantly surprised when she said she had. Olivia returned shortly with two gifts.

Alex tore off the wrapping paper to the first one and laughed when she saw the bright orange yoga mat. "It's a yoga mat!"

"Well, you mentioned a couple weeks ago that you were thinking of starting yoga as a New Year's Resolution, so if you do sign up for classes, you'll already be prepared."

Alex gave her a tight hug. "Thank you. I'll make sure to put it to good use."

"And who knows? Maybe I'll take a class with you or something," Olivia said with a grin. "How have your self-defense classes been going lately?"

"They're fun. Maybe you and I can practice so you can see how tough I am now."

Olivia laughed. "Cute. I'm sure you'll have me down on the floor in no time. Does Serena still take tae-bo?"

"Yeah. She's been taking it for years now. Her body's in such great shape."

"You should go rock-climbing with me sometime at the gym. It's quite a thrill. Monique Jeffries and I still do it together from time to time."

Alex grinned; the proposition certainly piqued her interest. Not to mention that the thought of Olivia all sweaty with her hair pulled back into a ponytail as she climbed the wall was quite titillating. "As long as you promise not to laugh at me if I fall."

"Aw, Alex, why take all the fun out of it?" Olivia responded with a wink.

Alex gave her a playful shove and then unwrapped the second gift. Gasping and throwing a hand to her mouth, she stared at the oil painting before her in awe. It depicted yellow taxis on a Manhattan street during the daytime and an American flag flying valiantly from one of the brick buildings. A skyscraper could be seen looming in the background. "Liv…this streetscape is so gorgeous. I'll have to hang it in my office at work." She leaned in and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek.

"Yeah, nothing says New York City better than the taxis." She tucked a leg underneath her and pulled a pillow in her lap. "I've loved every second we've spent together tonight."

Alex placed the painting gently on the coffee table and replied, "So have I."

Another hour and a half had passed before Alex looked at her watch again. "It's really gettin' late."

"Time flies when you're having fun," Olivia responded. She stood up and stifled a yawn.

Alex stood up and gathered her things. "I don't want this night to end," she murmured, clasping Olivia's hands.

Olivia looked down at their hands and met Alex's eyes again. "I don't either. But you know all good things must come to an end."

"Yeah…" Alex said, sighing deeply.

"Call me to let me know you got home safe and sound," Olivia said, leaning in and kissing her on the cheek.

Alex felt herself flush red all over. When Olivia's lips left her cheek, she leaned in and planted a long kiss on her forehead in return. "I promise."

Olivia could still feel the imprint of Alex's lips on her skin as she left her apartment. Closing and locking the door, she leaned against it and smiled. _What a night_, she thought.

She had just gotten out of the shower when her phone began ringing. She quickly threw a towel around her and ran to pick up the phone. "Hello?" she answered, trying to catch her breath.

"Hey, it's me," Alex said into the phone. "In a hurry?"

"Yeah, I just got out of the shower," Olivia said with a chuckle. "You just gettin' in?"

Alex sat down on her bed and took off her boots. "Yeah. I can't wait to take a nice hot shower myself and get into my pajamas."

"Hold on just a sec," Olivia told her.

"Ok," Alex responded.

Olivia searched her drawers for the pajamas Alex had given her and slipped them on. She picked the phone back up and said, "Ok."

"Are you all tucked in now?"

Olivia threw back her covers and settled into bed. "Getting there."

"I wish I could be there to tuck you in," Alex said softly.

Olivia smiled. "How many friends tuck each other into bed?"

"Friends who care as much as I do," Alex countered. "You know I _do_ have a nurturing side." _Even if you're the only one who sees it_, she thought.

Olivia laughed. "Well, Elliot cares a lot about me and if he _ever_ tried to tuck me into bed…"

"He's a different type of friend. Partners are like blood."

"Yeah…so what time are you leaving tomorrow?" She looked at her bedside clock. "Or rather, what time are you leaving _today_?"

Alex sighed. "I still need to pack, but I'm too high off our night to do it now. I'll probably head up there sometime in the afternoon."

"Be careful driving up there. It's supposed to snow again."

"I will. Before I leave, I'll email you those pictures."

"Thanks. I'd appreciate that."

They talked a few more minutes before hanging up. Olivia fluffed her pillow and sighed happily. She still couldn't believe what a miraculous night she'd had. She wondered if it had all been a dream and then decided, _If that was a dream, it's the best I've ever had._ Their experience had made her nostalgic of the relationship they used to have before everything started to unravel. She was grateful to have a night where things weren't complicated between them. Their relationship over the past few weeks had improved significantly, and she hoped that things would only continue to get better. She couldn't wait to tell Elliot about everything that had happened, but at the same time she wanted to treasure it all to herself for a little while longer. As the events of the evening cycled through her mind, she closed her eyes and drifted off into the most peaceful sleep she'd had in months.


	24. Home Sweet Home

**Chapter 24: Home Sweet Home**

The shrill ringing of the phone woke Olivia out of a sound sleep on Christmas morning. "Hello?" she answered, her voice laden with fatigue.

"Merry Christmas!" Alex said softly but cheerily.

Olivia let a smile creep across her face. "Merry Christmas to you, too. How's it feel to be back home in East Amherst?"

"Good. Almost like old times. I've missed this place."

"Yeah, I bet. It's good to have a place you can always call home," Olivia said somewhat wistfully.

_You're my home_, Alex thought. "So what's the plan for today?" she asked casually.

"Well, I'm going over to Elliot's to exchange gifts. Kathy and the kids will be over, too."

Alex smiled. "That's wonderful. You don't need to be alone on Christmas."

Olivia appreciated Alex looking out for her. "So what are your plans for today?" she asked in return.

Alex sighed. "The whole family will be here. We'll exchange gifts, eat, talk about our lives, drive each other crazy, eat some more, and play charades. When Mom was alive, we'd all gather around the piano and she'd play while everyone sang Christmas songs. So this year I'll play. I'm sure I'll be worn out once the day is over."

"Did you put up stockings this year?"

"Yeah. I hung half along one staircase and Katherine hung the rest along the other."

Olivia laughed. "Tradition's nice. Tell Uncle Bill I said hi."

"Will do," Alex promised. She sighed. "I'll really miss Mom's eggnog. She'd make it with peach brandy and cinnamon Schnapps. It was always so yummy. I'll replicate the recipe and hope it tastes just as good."

"Mmm, sounds tempting. So what time did you get up there last night?"

"Around 8:30."

"Long drive, huh?"

"Almost 7 hours. Long is an understatement," Alex replied with a small groan.

"I'm just glad you made it there safe and sound," Olivia said.

Robert began stirring beside her, so Alex decided to cut their conversation short. "Listen, are you gonna be around later?"

"Yeah, I'll have my cell."

"Ok, I'll give you a call back. Have a good day. Bye."

"Bye," Olivia said softly.

"Who was that, Alex?" Robert asked, his eyes still closed. He was lying on his stomach while Alex was lying on her back. He tucked his arm tighter around her waist.

"Uh…just a colleague," she answered, putting the cordless phone back in its cradle. She shifted uneasily under his weight. She found it rather possessive.

He slowly opened his eyes. "Really? One of your ADAs?" he pried, trying to figure out if her "colleague" was male or female.

Alex knew exactly what he was doing. Not wanting to arouse any unnecessary suspicion, she answered, "No, she's someone I used to work with when I was with SVU."

Robert smiled, relieved that this person was female. "You two are close?"

Alex froze for a second but quickly recovered. The question had caught her off guard. "Yeah. Being the only women in a predominantly male unit…you know how it is."

"So you two gravitated to each other?" he asked curiously.

_More than you know_, Alex thought. "You could say that." Not wanting to talk anymore about the subject, she threw back the covers, gently removed his arm, and climbed out of bed. "I'm gonna take a shower. I'll be back."

Robert nodded and propped himself up on his elbow. "Don't take too long, sweetie."

Alex gave him a noncommittal smile and walked to the en-suite bathroom. The cool floor felt good against her feet. She dropped her chemise and panties to the floor and turned the handles to the shower. As the steam rose to the ceiling, she stepped inside and closed the glass door.

With a sly smile on his face, Robert got out of bed and walked to the bathroom. _Maybe I can surprise her with a special Christmas present_, he thought with a chuckle. He was sorely disappointed to find that the door was locked. "Damn!" he muttered under his breath.

Alex had locked the door for a reason. She wanted to be alone so she could be lost in her thoughts—which revolved around Olivia. As she soaped and cleansed her body, she thought about the truly special night they had shared. She was still on cloud nine. They had been so carefree and content with each other that it was reminiscent of times when they were actually dating. But even on their best dates, there was still the nagging fear at the back of her mind that someone would suspect they were a couple. However, that thought hadn't crossed her mind even once the other night—despite the times they had gotten pretty close. So what was it that gave her the boost of courage then that she didn't have all the time? As she continued to replay their night, a goofy smile crossed her face. Knowing the night meant just as much to Olivia as it did to her only made her ten times happier.

Squirting some shampoo in her palm, she massaged it into her scalp. The way her fingers moved reminded her of how Olivia shampooed her hair. Her strong fingers would travel from her scalp, down to her shoulders, over her back, down to her hips… Alex bit her lip and let a quiet moan escape her throat. She wished Olivia was in the shower with her at that very moment. Before a hand could travel down to her center, she shook her head quickly and thought, _I'll never get outta here if I keep thinking like this._ She regretfully forced intimate thoughts out of her head and continued with her normal shower routine.

Wrapped in a towel, Alex returned to her bedroom 20 minutes later to find Robert reading the newspaper at the desk. He put the paper down and gave her a warm smile. "Good morning, beautiful."

Alex flashed a smile in return. "Good morning."

He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. "I thought I could join you in the shower, but someone had locked the door," he said with a sly smile, giving her a quick kiss on the lips. He started to untie his robe.

"Oh…that's just habit," Alex lied, disentangling from his grip. She picked out her clothes for the day and went to get dressed in her dressing area.

Robert was puzzled as to why Alex was being so modest all of a sudden. _Did I do something wrong? _ he wondered. He decided to just brush it off. _Maybe she feels uneasy being intimate in the family house. If that's the case, too bad we didn't stay in the guest house._

When she returned to the main area, she sprayed some perfume on her neck and wrists and ran a brush through her hair. "I should go see if Victor and Katherine need any assistance. I'll see you downstairs," she said, kissing him lightly on the cheek and quickly exiting the room.

Alex walked downstairs into the living room. Murano centerpiece bowls with ruby red poinsettias decorated the wall niches. The large, brightly lit Christmas tree sparkled over the presents stacked under it. Around the base of the tree, the Lionel toy train lumbered along its tracks and tooted its horn intermittently as it passed. Tinsel draped the walls and windows, and a fruit and evergreen garland adorned the mantel over the scagliola fireplace. She walked over to a window and watched the snow falling on the lighted displays in the courtyard. When she was little, her father used to sit by that same window in his favorite armchair and read stories. She and her siblings would fight over who got to sit on his knee. Other times her father would play hide and seek with them. When she had once knocked over her mother's favorite Majolica vase while running to find a spot for cover, her father took the blame. "I love this place," she whispered to no one.

The vast Italian Renaissance-style mansion never ceased to amaze her even after three decades of being accustomed to it. It contained trompe l'oeil murals, wrought iron fixtures, stucco colonnades, bronze and plaster statues, ceramic busts, Venetian crystal chandeliers, Tuscan area rugs, silk curtains, marble flooring, and arched entryways. The furniture featured intricate needlework, rich upholstery, and gilded carvings. The 32-foot-high rotunda ceiling was graced with a hand-painted fresco of clouds, nymphs, and cherubs.

She walked to her father's library. It was one of her favorite places in the house to be alone. Large mahogany shelves lined every wall. She used to spend hours browsing her father's collection. When she'd chosen the books she wanted, she would go to the adjacent reading room, turn on a lamp, and read until her eyelids grew heavy.

Next, she walked down the long corridor to the music room. It was an airy, octagonal room with French doors that opened up to a rose garden. In one corner was a beautifully-carved walnut cassone, which held songbooks, old violins, and bows. A black Steinway piano stood in the center of the large room. Her private music instructor would often open the doors while she gave her lessons. For Alex, it helped her feel the music more. Smiling as she ran a hand over the keyboard lid, she thought about how lovely it would be to bring Olivia there. She wanted to take her out to the garden, pick fresh roses for her, and then play for her on the piano.

"Gee, someone's smiling big!"

Alex turned around to find Katherine. "Way to startle your big sis!"

Katherine grinned. "Thinking about Robert?"

Alex nodded. She hated lying to her sister, but at this point she felt she had no choice. "He's special."

"Seems like it," Katherine said, putting a hand gently on her back. Her voice was lighter than her sister's and Alex had always found it soothing to listen to.

Like her sister, Katherine possessed a regal beauty. She was about an inch and a half shorter than Alex and had darker blonde hair, but otherwise they shared a striking resemblance. With their slender frames and pale complexions, both women looked more like their mother had. On the other hand, Victor had taken more after their father. He was taller, had a tanned complexion, and had light brown hair with blond undertones. Even his crashing handshake and booming voice were exactly like their father's.

Alex looked at her. "So how are things in your love life?"

Katherine shrugged. "I've been dating, but it's nothing serious. My patients keep me so busy. And there's a conference at Johns Hopkins next month that I have to prepare for. We have to present cases."

"That's understandable. It has to be a lot to juggle."

"I always manage," Katherine said with a confident smile.

"Spoken like a true Cabot," Alex responded with a grin.

Katherine sighed. "You and Robert were made for each other, you know…and you seem so happy together. Some women never find a guy like that," she mused.

"I know," Alex replied. She decided to change the subject so she wouldn't have to discuss Robert anymore. "Do you remember when Madame Petrovna would tell us to 'caress the violin strings like a lover's skin'? I would try so hard not to crack up."

Katherine laughed. "Yeah. She was an excellent instructor, but I always thought she seemed a bit off."

"Well, some of the things she said make more sense now that I'm older…" Alex murmured, looking off to the side.

Katherine studied her carefully. "Something bothering you, sis?"

Alex turned back to her sister. "I was just daydreaming."

"You must _really_ be in love. I've never seen you like this before," Katherine replied.

Alex smiled; her sister was correct, just about the wrong person. "It's a nice feeling."

"There you are!" a deep voice called. Alex and Katherine turned around to find Robert. He walked over to Alex and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I thought I'd get lost in this place trying to find you. One of the housekeepers told me she'd seen you go in this direction."

Aware that Katherine was right beside them, Alex decided to act the part. She ran her fingers through Robert's dark hair and widened her smile. "I'm glad you found me." Closing her eyes, she tilted her chin upward to gently capture his lips.

"Well, well, look at the lovebirds!" Victor bellowed, walking into the room with Julie.

Alex stepped back and faced her brother and sister-in-law. "Good morning, Victor. Morning, Julie."

Victor smiled. "I'd give you the same greeting, but we can see that your morning is already going great."

Julie laughed. "We don't mean to interrupt, but we just wanted to let you know that breakfast is ready."

"Yeah, we know how Uncle Bill gets when people hold up breakfast," Katherine said with a chuckle.

"Or any meal for that matter," Victor stated dryly.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Robert asked, grasping Alex's hand and following everyone else to the dining room.

A half hour after breakfast was over, Alex found Katherine standing on the balcony overlooking the rotunda. She was leaning against the railing and staring down at the mosaic inlays in the marble with a pensive expression on her face. "Are you all right?"

Katherine turned to her and forced a smile. "Yeah… I'm just thinking about how much I wish Mom and Dad were here."

Alex put an arm around her sister's shoulders and gave a tight squeeze. "I do, too."

"You know…Christmas the last two years just wasn't the same without you. I'm so glad to have you back, Alex," Katherine said, giving her a heartfelt hug.

Alex held her sister tight and felt tears prick the back of her eyes. "You guys will never know how much I missed you. I'm glad to experience a real Christmas again."

For a few minutes, they stood in silence and watched the people bustle in and out of the mansion. The children were dragging snow from the foyer to the rotunda, and the adults were trying not to slip.

"Well, I guess I should go downstairs and meet and greet," Katherine announced.

Alex nodded. "Ok. If you need help setting up anything, just let me know."

"See ya," Katherine said with a wave, jogging down the left spiral staircase.

Alex pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and snuck away to her mother's powder room in the east wing. She knew she'd have complete privacy there.

She looked around the room and felt the familiar serenity she'd always experienced. The room looked just as her mother had left it. Antique sconces were on either side of the 19th century French Giltwood mirror. On the wall opposite the mirror was a carved Giltwood bracket with seraphim and cornucopia. She smiled to herself when she remembered how she'd stood beside her mother innumerable times as she put on her makeup for work, balls, charity galas, art galleries, cocktail parties, dinner parties, and various other social events. Before she got too lost in the memories, she dialed Olivia's number.

"Hello?" Olivia answered breathlessly, trying to get Dickie off her back.

"Hi, Liv," Alex said.

"Liv, come play football with me!" Dickie demanded, wrapping his arms around her neck.

"No, come play my new game!" Elizabeth ordered, grabbing Olivia around the waist and holding on tight. "Dad said I could use the Playstation first."

Olivia laughed and pulled the phone away from her ear. "Just a sec, kids. Let me take this call." She put the phone back to her ear and said, "As you can probably tell, I'm kinda in a bind."

Alex laughed. "Sure seems like it. But kids love you, so what can I say?"

"Yeah, a little too much sometimes!" Olivia joked.

Elliot came into the room and ordered, "Come on, guys. Stop cutting off Olivia's circulation and give her a little privacy." He pulled Elizabeth away from her with one arm and Dickie off her back with the other.

"Aw, Dad! Liv was just gettin' ready to play with us!" Dickie complained.

"Look, you haven't even opened up all your presents yet," Elliot replied. "Munch told me he got you both something really cool."

"They're not moldy pudding cups, are they?" Elizabeth asked, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

Elliot and Olivia both laughed. "No, I'm sure they aren't," Elliot promised. "But you'll never know until you open them. So let's go."

Both Elizabeth and Dickie groaned. "We'll be back," Dickie promised, looking at Olivia. "Remember, _football_."

"No, Playstation!" Elizabeth argued.

"Hi, Alex!" Elliot called back over his shoulder as he led his twins away.

"How'd he know it was me on the line?" Alex asked.

"He's psychic," Olivia teased. "So what's going on at Cabot Manor?"

Alex smirked. "More family and friends are piling in. I stole away to the powder room so I could avoid the ensuing chaos."

Olivia smiled. "I don't blame you."

Alex ran a hand over the marble sink. "I can remember getting yelled at as a little girl for playing in my mother's makeup."

Laughing, Olivia replied, "I bet you were quite a handful."

"I still am."

"Don't I know it!" Olivia teased.

"I wish you were here," Alex said before she could stop herself.

Olivia paused on the line; she didn't quite know how to respond. "Are you that bored?" she finally joked.

"No, I meant that I wish you were here instead of—"

"Robert," Olivia finished for her, her tone turning solemn.

"Right," Alex answered softly.

Neither of them said anything for several seconds. "Where is he?" Olivia asked flatly.

"Somewhere downstairs," Alex replied. "Have you been enjoying yourself at Elliot's?" she asked, desperate to change the subject.

Olivia was glad of the subject change as well. "Yeah. They're a fun crowd. It's nice watching everyone open up their gifts."

Alex looked out the window. Several of the children had their sleds and were preparing to race down the hill. She chuckled and told Olivia, "I hope these kids don't break their necks sledding. I remember when I would race against Victor and Katherine and one time I just narrowly avoided a tree."

"You on a sled? That's a sight I _have_ to see," Olivia replied.

Alex chuckled harder. "I'm a Jill of many trades. Is it ok if I stop by tomorrow night?" she asked hopefully.

"Sure," Olivia answered without hesitation.

Alex grinned widely. "Ok. Well, I guess I'd better go before someone puts a search party out for me."

"Yeah. I should let Dickie and Elizabeth continue to fight to the death over who gets to play with me first."

"Oh, and Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"I didn't get a chance to mention this earlier, but I just wanted to let you know how good it feels to be able to hear your voice on Christmas."

Olivia felt her heart flutter at the statement; she knew how much Alex's first Christmas out of the program meant to her. "I'm so glad to hear it."

"Tell everyone I said hello," Alex continued.

"I will. Have fun," Olivia said, closing her cell.

Alex closed her own cell and held it under her chin. Leaning back against the sink, she let out a happy sigh as she thought about what the morrow would have in store.

* * *

"I guess Santa came twice this year," Olivia said, letting Alex in.

Alex grinned. "Of course." She walked past her and took the food into the kitchen.

Olivia could see all the food in the two large Tupperware dishes. "Looks yummy. It's twice the amount you brought me for Thanksgiving." She opened one of the lids and bit into a piece of honey-baked ham.

"There are some scalloped oysters in there, too. We always serve them," Alex said.

Olivia nodded. She looked down at a large white bakery box. "What's in there? A cake?"

"Close," Alex said, holding up her index finger. She opened up the box. "It's a gingerbread house."

Olivia's whole face lit up. "It looks so beautiful I don't know if I'll ever wanna eat it!"

Alex laughed. "I decorated it myself. I want you to eat it sometime!"

"Well, I'll take a picture of it so I can always remember how it was before I demolished it," Olivia responded. She ran in her bedroom to get her camera. When she returned, she snapped a picture.

"Let's take one together," Alex suggested.

"Fine by me," Olivia answered. She pressed her cheek against Alex's, held the camera out, and pressed the shutter.

They both looked at the display. "That's a great picture," Alex said. "Let's take one more."

After the next picture was taken, Olivia set her camera on the table. "So how was the rest of your Christmas?"

"It was good. Guess what announcement Victor and Julie made at dinner last night?"

"Julie's pregnant?" Olivia guessed.

"Yep," Alex said with a grin. "I'm gonna be an aunt."

Olivia leaned in and gave her a hug. "Congrats, sweetie."

Alex returned her embrace. "Thanks. It's kinda weird imagining Victor as a dad."

Olivia smiled. "I'm sure he'll be a great one."

They put the Tupperware dishes in the refrigerator and walked to the living room. "I can't believe Christmas is over," Olivia said. "It doesn't seem like it."

Alex touched her arm. "It doesn't have to be."

Olivia looked down at her hand. "Just how are you gonna make it Christmas again?"

"Well, at the end of the night every Christmas, we all take turns lighting a candle. After the last person has lit theirs, we then each make a wish and blow out our candle in succession."

"What did you wish for?"

Alex looked at her with a knowing smile. "Can't tell you or it won't come true." She stood up and brought a candle to the coffee table. Lighting the wick, she told her, "Now it's your turn."

Olivia laughed. "You really want me to make a wish?"

"Yes."

Olivia picked up the candle. Holding it steady, she closed her eyes for several seconds. Alex found herself holding her breath. When Olivia opened them and blew out the flame, Alex expelled it.

"I hope your wish comes true," she said, running a hand through Olivia's locks. Her hair was still damp from her shower and smelled of citrus.

Olivia smiled at her. "I hope so, too."

They spent the next few hours talking. Before they knew it, it was 3:00. Alex got up and stretched. "Oh, gosh! I hadn't realized it was so late. I should get home."

Olivia touched her shoulder. "Why don't you stay the night?"

Alex looked at her with wide eyes. "Are you sure?"

With a reassuring smile, Olivia nodded. "Yeah. You take the bed. I'll throw some covers on the couch."

Alex shook her head and replied, "No, Liv. How about I take the couch and you take the bed?"

"I insist," Olivia said. She stood up and went over to the linen closet. Pulling out a towel, pillow, and blanket, she handed Alex the towel and continued, "You go shower. I'll set up my makeshift bed."

"Thanks, Liv."

When Alex finished showering, she walked to the bedroom. Olivia had changed into a white wife beater and pair of gray sweatpants. She was pulling back the covers to her bed when she noticed Alex. She smiled and asked, "Did you have a nice shower?"

Alex nodded. "The only problem is that I have nothing to sleep in," she said, a playful smile curling her lips.

Olivia grinned and pulled one of her NYPD shirts out of a drawer. "Put this on," she said, throwing her the shirt.

Alex caught it and replied, "So I can pretend I'm a cop for a night?"

Olivia laughed. "If you wish." She walked to the door. "I'll give you some privacy."

"Rushing out a little fast, Liv. Were you afraid I was just gonna drop my towel in front of you?"

"Wouldn't put it past ya," Olivia replied with a twinkle in her eye. She shut the door behind her.

When Alex was dressed, she walked back out into the living room. Olivia was curled up under her blanket and reading a book. Alex sat down beside her. "Whatcha readin'?"

Olivia held out the cover so Alex could read it. "See for yourself."

Alex leaned forward. "_A Grave Talent_. What's it about?"

"It's about this lesbian San Francisco detective who has just been promoted to Homicide. She and her partner are trying to find out who kidnapped and murdered three little girls. The prime suspect is a famous female artist who was convicted of murdering a little girl 17 years prior. Even though the girls' bodies were found near her residence, it appears she's been framed. Elliot gave it to me for Christmas."

Alex smiled. "Sounds intriguing. May I borrow it once you're finished?"

"Sure," Olivia replied. "It's really good so far."

"I can tell. You're already halfway through the novel!"

Olivia put her bookmark in place and closed the book. Yawning, she said, "That's enough for now. You came to say goodnight?"

"As a matter of fact, I did. Can I get a hug?" Alex asked.

"You just wanna press our boobs together," Olivia joked.

"Damn! You've figured out my sordid plan!" Alex said with a snap of her fingers.

Olivia laughed. "Come here, you." She pulled her into a deep embrace.

Alex rested her chin on her shoulder and rubbed her hands up and down her back. Olivia's neck looked so soft that she had to fight with all her being not to let her lips brush her skin. "You don't know how good it feels to be in your arms now."

Olivia stroked Alex's back in return. "I think I do."

They slowly pulled back from one another. "Night, Liv," Alex whispered, kissing her on the cheek.

Olivia kissed her on the cheek, too. She could feel Alex's skin get warm under her lips. "Night."

Alex stretched out in Olivia's bed and let out a long sigh. The scent of Olivia immediately filled her nostrils. She pulled the covers up and snuggled deeper into the pillows. "Home sweet home," she whispered, closing her eyes.

She woke up a couple hours later. After her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she climbed out of bed and carefully made her way to the door. The living room was dark save for the silvery streetlight pouring in through the window and causing shadows to dance on the walls. She tiptoed over to the couch. Olivia was sleeping peacefully—well, except for the covers she had thrown off herself. Alex picked up the blanket and covered her with it.

Alex's movements caused Olivia to stir in her sleep. She slowly opened her eyes. "What are you doing up?" she asked drowsily.

Alex smiled down at her. "Well…I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, so I decided to come in and check on you. I was covering you back up."

Olivia smirked. "Sure you were."

Alex laughed softly. "You don't think I came in here to hump you in your sleep, do ya?"

Olivia sat up a little. "I don't know. Did you?"

Alex rolled her eyes and motioned for Olivia to move her legs up some. She sat down next to her feet. "Watching you sleep is one of my favorite pastimes." She looked down at Olivia's tight wife beater; her budding nipples looked like they were two seconds away from bursting through her shirt. She had to resist the urge to lick her lips.

"Watching me sleep or staring at my tits?" Olivia asked with a shit-eating grin.

Alex lifted her eyes with lightning speed. "Uh…well, I um…" she spluttered. She looked off to the side and hoped that she could come up with a more coherent explanation, but she would have no such luck. She pressed her legs tightly together to stop her spreading wetness.

Olivia could tell that she was blushing even in the dark. "You know you could answer, 'Both,' Alex."

"If I said that, you'd just say something like, 'Friends aren't supposed to stare at each other's tits!'"

Olivia laughed. "I think I'd give you a pass, considering."

"Gosh, Liv, must you lay like that?"

"Like what?"

"In that 'come hither' position you're in! When you're halfway between sitting up and lying down in a shirt like that, it's like you're being a tease!"

Olivia laughed even louder. "Come hither?"

"Yes! Exactly!" Alex replied, blushing even more.

Olivia shook her head. "Next you're gonna say I'm eye shaggin' ya."

"You're probably thinking about it," Alex responded.

Olivia noticed Alex's nipples straining against the shirt and felt herself getting wet. "I can see how the NYPD certainly has its _perks_," she said with a lopsided grin.

Alex laughed at Olivia's pun. She followed her gaze down to her chest. "I'll say."

They lifted their heads and their eyes locked for a moment. A shiver ran through each of them, although the room wasn't cold. Desire percolated every fiber in their being and threatened to make every rule they'd established between them obsolete.

Olivia swallowed hard. Trying to lighten the air, she asked, "You're gonna turn me into an insomniac, too, aren't you?"

"It's been so long since I've spent the night," Alex said. "I guess I'm just excited. It kinda feels like the first time again."

"Except the first time you spent the night, you actually slept," Olivia quipped.

"That's because I was so tired after working on that case," Alex replied.

"I remember that you fell asleep on the couch. So I took off your glasses, picked you up, and carried you to the bed."

Alex smiled. "And when I woke up, you'd packed my briefcase. I thought that was really sweet."

"That's because you had papers strewn everywhere!"

Alex chuckled. "That I did. You have no clue how much I wanted to kiss you then but I was afraid of how you'd react. I didn't wanna ruin our friendship if my feelings weren't returned." She looked at the clock. "Well, I guess I should let you get back to sleep."

"Yeah, I'm certainly sleeping in today."

"I am, too," Alex replied. Not wanting Olivia to think she was taking advantage of her kindness, she quickly amended, "Um…I mean if that's ok with you."

Olivia smiled. "It's fine."

Alex stood up. "All right. Well, I'll see you in a few hours."

Olivia could see that Alex had left the bedroom door cracked a couple inches. She heard the rustling of the covers as she got underneath them. Regardless of the problems either of them faced, Alex always brought an aura of warmth to her apartment. Olivia wrapped herself in that warmth and soon once again succumbed to slumber.


	25. Starved

**Chapter 25: Starved**

On New Year's Eve, Elliot, Olivia, Munch, and Fin were all sitting at a table with a pitcher of beer when Olivia's cell phone started ringing. She reached into her coat and retrieved it. "Hello?"

"Hey, Liv. It's me," Alex said. "Are you busy?"

"Just hanging out with the guys," Olivia answered. "We're at Mulligan's. Wanna join us?"

Smiling, Alex replied, "Sure. I'm just finishing up at the office. I was actually calling to see if you'd made any plans for the evening."

"Does drinking this year away count?" Olivia teased.

Alex laughed and turned out the lights to her office. "If you say so. I'll be there in 15 minutes, tops."

Like clockwork the authoritative sound of heels was heard clicking against the floor 15 minutes later. Any of the SVU detectives would know that sound from a million miles away. Lots of women wore heels but only Alex Cabot commanded the floor in such a shattering rhythm that absolutely demanded respect and served to turn the heads of everyone in the room.

After greeting them all, Alex took a seat beside Olivia and set her briefcase down on the floor. Olivia poured her a glass of beer and asked, "How was your day?"

Alex took a satisfying sip before answering, "Exhausting."

"How are the lab rats?" Munch asked.

Alex smirked. "They're fine."

"Ya know, Alex, we don't see ya around here anymore," Fin said. "Almost thought ya forgot all about us."

Alex smiled at him. "Nah. I just barely get a spare minute at my new bureau."

"We all still miss you," Elliot said, giving her a warm smile. "It's just not the same without you."

"Hear, hear," Munch said, tipping his glass to her.

Alex's smile widened. "Thanks, guys. It really means a lot to me."

Olivia put her arm around her shoulders, which sent a warm rush through Alex. "She's a champion."

Alex turned to her. "I learn from the best."

Although the gesture was innocent enough, Elliot noticed that the look in their eyes was anything but. _Damn, those two have got it bad_, he thought, chuckling softly to himself.

Olivia turned to him. "What's got you grinning like a Cheshire cat?"

Fin studied him. "I think Elliot's had one too many drinks."

"Nope, just thought of somethin' funny," Elliot explained.

"Oh, Elliot, won't you please share with us?" Munch teased.

"Yeah, ole Grinch here could use some humor in his life," Fin said dryly.

"Trust me, I'm full of shits and giggles," Munch remarked.

"Yeah, full of shit sounds about right," Fin replied, downing the rest of his beer.

Alex laughed. "This is what I've been missing."

Olivia snorted. "Trust me. You haven't missed much."

"She missed Munch being shot in the ass," Fin said.

"Yeah, my ass and Elliot's arm seemed to be kindred spirits that day," Munch replied. He put his hand on Fin's back. "Although the highlight was hearing my seasoned partner call me 'bro.'"

Fin pulled back. "Hey, hey. You know I don't like people touchin' me."

All the blood drained from Alex's face. "I remember hearing about that. I'm sorry."

"Did Liv tell you?" Munch asked.

Alex looked at Olivia, who had suddenly become very interested in examining the contents of her glass. "No, she didn't."

Elliot smiled reassuringly at Alex. "Don't worry. We're both fine now."

After taking a long swig of her beer, Alex pushed back her chair. "Excuse me for a moment."

Olivia and Elliot exchanged glances. She got up and quickly followed Alex to the bathroom. "You ok?"

Anger flashed in her blue eyes. "How could you not tell me?"

"We weren't talking then," Olivia explained. "And I knew you'd hear it anyway. News travels fast through the courthouse grapevine."

"That's no excuse, Olivia!" Alex accused, her voice rising. "Don't you think that the shooting of two friends requires a _personal_ informant?"

"Alex, Elliot wouldn't even let me call Kathy because they were separated. In fact, she had started divorce proceedings a couple weeks prior."

"That's different," Alex snapped.

"Not by much!" Olivia retorted. "And forgive me if my primary concern was getting to Bellevue to make sure my partner was all right and not calling an ex!"

"Lower your voice, Olivia," Alex demanded.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot!" Olivia snapped. In a harsh whisper, she continued, "Someone might have the room wired to get incriminating evidence on closeted ADAs."

Alex turned red. "This is not a joking matter! You let petty anger get in the way—"

"Petty? Hardly," Olivia interrupted.

Alex threw up her hands. "How much longer are you gonna stew in self-righteous anger?"

Olivia gritted her teeth. "Better to stew in self-righteous anger than self-righteous cowardice. Don't you have a boyfriend to celebrate New Year's Eve with?"

Alex pointed her finger right at her nose. "Don't you dare try to turn this around on me."

Olivia pointed her finger right back at hers. "If it wasn't for your own actions, I _would've_ called!"

Alex rolled her eyes. "I'm so tired of you playing the blame game!"

"Isn't that what you're doing? I wasn't gonna let you use Munch and Elliot's injuries as a way to get close to me again."

"You think I'd be that manipulative?" Alex asked, hurt.

Olivia groaned. "Alex, this happened in October, can we please just let it go?"

Alex was disappointed that Olivia refused to answer the question. However, she didn't want to argue with her anymore and ruin their night. She let out a long sigh. "Fine."

Olivia stared at her for a minute before turning around and saying, "I need some air."

"Wait, Liv. Don't go," Alex pleaded, grasping her arm gently.

She slowly turned back around. "Why should I stay if you're gonna pick fights?"

Alex moved closer to her and brushed a wisp of hair back from her face. Olivia grew warm at her touch despite the tension in the air. Alex stared into her eyes and promised, "You don't have to worry about that. Let's just focus on bringing in the new year on a good note, ok?"

Olivia sighed. "Ok."

"Everything all right?" Elliot asked when they sat back down at the table.

Olivia flashed a smile. "Yeah."

Elliot studied the two women. He guessed that whatever had transpired between them had something to do with the courtroom shootings. _I hope they worked it out_, he thought.

Forty-five minutes later, Olivia looked down at her watch. It was almost 11:00. Looking up at Alex, she asked softly, "You ready to go?"

Alex nodded. "Ready when you are."

Olivia grabbed her coat off the back of her chair and stood up. "Well, guys, I guess I'll get going."

"I should get going, too," Alex said, following her lead. "It was really nice seeing all of you again. Tell Cragen I said hello."

Once they were outside, Olivia asked, "Wanna share a cab?"

Alex smiled. "I'd like nothing more."

"My place or yours?"

"Yours," Alex responded.

They climbed into the backseat of a taxi and Olivia told the driver her address. The ride was spent laughing about the antics of Munch and Fin and recounting other details at Mulligan's. With all the traffic that night, it took longer than expected to reach her apartment building. Olivia paid the driver and they rushed out.

"It seemed like all of New York City was out tonight," Alex remarked.

Olivia opened up the door to her apartment and hung up her coat. Taking Alex's coat and doing the same, she responded, "Yep. That's about right."

"I guess we'll just have to watch the ball drop on TV this year," Alex said, sitting down on the sofa.

Olivia went into her bedroom to take off her belt and piece. "We can have our own countdown," she said when she returned. She went to get some things off a shelf and sat down beside Alex. "Complete with confetti and party horns," she added with a grin.

"I always loved these things as a kid," Alex said, taking one of the party horn blowers out of her hand. She blew it out and the tip tapped Olivia on the nose.

"I can tell," Olivia laughed. She set the champagne confetti popper on the coffee table and grabbed the remote. She turned to the coverage of the New Year's Eve festivities in Times Square.

"Such a mass declaration of love and celebration. It kinda makes you wanna catch a cab there to be a part of it. Serena told me earlier that she and Kay were going."

"So those two are still going strong?" Olivia asked.

"It's been about a month," Alex answered. "Kay makes her happy."

"Good. You think she's gotten over Abbie?"

Alex paused for a few seconds. "I dunno. She doesn't mention her anymore, but I doubt her heart has forgotten her."

Olivia nodded. "Has to be rough. I'm glad it's gotten a little easier."

"Me, too. Serena deserves to be happy."

Five minutes before twelve, Olivia stood up and walked over to her window. There were people celebrating on her street. Alex walked over beside her and asked, "Think we should go down there?"

Right when she said it, a beer bottle crashed against the sidewalk. Olivia turned to her and smirked. "I think we'll have enough fun up here."

Alex let out a soft laugh. "I think you may be right."

The long hand of the clock inched closer to its destination. "So…it's almost New Year's. How about we bend the rules just for tonight?" Olivia suggested.

Alex's eyebrows slowly lifted as she realized just what that meant. "Really? You wanna kiss me?"

Olivia smiled softly. "One kiss on a special occasion can't hurt, can it?" Besides, she didn't like the idea of Robert being Alex's first kiss of the year.

Alex licked her lips as a flush of excitement ran through her whole body. "I guess not."

Olivia noticed and teased, "You look like you're about to come. I haven't even touched you yet."

Alex's mouth dropped open at her bluntness. Olivia just laughed and went to get the bottle of confetti.

In a couple minutes, the countdown began. Turning back toward the TV, they both decided to join the partygoers in Times Square as the ball started its descent. "8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! Happy New Year!"

Olivia popped open the champagne bottle and confetti spewed out into the air. As it rained down on them, she pulled Alex to her and kissed her.

Alex caressed the back of her neck as she softly captured her lips. She took her time exploring their lush texture. The kiss was sweet and tender but brimming with barely contained desire. Not wanting to make Olivia uncomfortable, she pulled back before the kiss got too heated.

Olivia looked at her strangely. "Come on, Alex. Make it worth my while."

"I-I didn't wanna overstep my—" Alex started.

Olivia cut her off by enveloping her mouth in a blazing kiss. As their tongues battled, Alex pinned her body to the window. She ran her hands over her arms and the front of her shirt. She was starved for her breath, her ardor, her love. Like a tornado, the fervent hunger whipped and whirled inside her, becoming so large that it deracinated all her perceived safeguards. She didn't care about oxygen, Robert, or anything but getting lost in the taste, touch, smell, sight, and sound of this woman.

She tilted her head so she had deeper access. Olivia tasted divine and their kisses always made her feel so at ease that she never wanted to leave the sanctuary of her mouth. Threading her hands through her hair, she sucked her tongue hard and then flicked it over her smooth lips.

Olivia moaned when she felt Alex's hands dip under her shirt and caress her bra-clad breasts. Never had a piece of clothing felt so restrictive to her. Boundaries between them didn't concern her at the moment; all she wanted was for Alex to make her body and soul feel things that would satisfy her endless craving for her. That craving had always been there, but like molten lava, it was hidden inside her volcano of defenses and was just waiting to erupt. Alex's fingers pulled painfully at her taut nipples in her desperation to release them from their cotton prison.

Olivia's own fingers worked diligently to remove Alex's suit jacket. Once it was off, only her silk blouse remained. She just wanted to rip it off and expose those supple breasts, their peaks straining so hard against the fabric that it almost seemed as if she wasn't wearing a bra at all.

Alex arched her back to press her breasts against Olivia's. At the contact, fire shot down from their nipples to their aching sexes. Olivia brushed Alex's long hair over her shoulder to expose more of her neck. As soon as her lips touched the hollow of her throat, Alex wrapped a leg tightly around her waist. The front of her panties was completely soaked and her wetness eased down the inside of her thighs. She didn't have to tell Olivia exactly what she needed because she knew—she had always known.

Olivia could feel Alex's heat penetrating the leg of her jeans. Pushing her skirt up all the way over her hips, she squeezed her ass tightly, eliciting a loud moan from Alex. Before another moan could escape, she captured her swollen mouth with renewed fervor, taking her breath and making it her own.

As she kneaded her ass, the crotch of Alex's panties rubbed against her stiff clit, causing her to bite her lip so hard that she almost drew blood. She felt her muscles opening wider for her. She needed Olivia inside her, on top of her, under her, around her, in every part of her existence. Before she knew it, strong hands had picked her up, turned her around, and sat her on the windowsill. She spread her legs wide, hoping Olivia would soon end her torture.

Quickly undoing the buttons to her blouse, Olivia thrust it open and broke away from her mouth to let her lips travel down her neck and over the swell of her breasts. Not being able to deny herself the sight of those beautiful creamy breasts any longer, she unlatched her bra in back. Pulling it down her arms, she threw the garment on the floor and pushed the blouse halfway off her shoulders. Alex's nipples hardened even more as the cold air nipped them. Grunting softly, Olivia greedily took one into her mouth and rubbed the fabric of the blouse over the other as she yanked her panties aside and plunged three fingers inside her.

"Yes, fuck yes!" Alex screamed into the night. It had been so long since Olivia had been inside her that she almost came right then. But she had to hold out for just a little while longer. She threw her head back against the window and twisted a handful of Olivia's hair as she deepened her thrusts.

But she wasn't going to just enjoy herself without returning the favor. After pulling Olivia's shirt and bra up over her breasts, she unzipped her jeans and shoved a hand inside her panties. Olivia let out a long shaky moan. Shivering at the sound, Alex slipped her fingers through her wetness and deep into her tunnel. She picked up the rhythm of her thrusts to match Olivia's as they brought each other closer and closer to release.

"Ah! Ah…fuck!" Alex was so lost in passion that she didn't know whether those words came from her mouth or Olivia's. She rolled one of her nipples between her fingers, causing Olivia to gasp loudly and thrust harder.

Within minutes, Alex's orgasm tore threw her and robbed her of breath. As she bucked against the window, her thumb rubbed hard against Olivia's clit, which caused her to scream and jerk along with Alex.

Alex fell forward and crashed on top of her, their bodies and lips merging simultaneously. When their lips parted and they could both breathe once again, Olivia spread her arms above her head on the carpet and quipped, "Now that's what I call bringing in the new year with a bang."

After flicking a piece of confetti out of Olivia's hair, Alex traced a finger over her collarbone and cradled her cheek in the nook of her neck. "I'll say." Gazing up into her eyes, she continued, "I love you."

Olivia could feel her eyelashes gently sweeping her neck. She smiled down at her and kissed her forehead. "And I love you."


	26. First Impressions

**Chapter 26: First Impressions**

"What a great dinner," Alex remarked, pressing the button to her floor.

"I agree. It's nice to not have to cook on New Year's," Olivia replied. She looked at her reflection in the mirrors and added, "I wonder how many people fuck in here and get off watching themselves."

Alex smirked and leaned back against the polished brass handrail. "Good thing they clean the elevators then, huh?"

The elevator dinged and the doors opened. The two of them were shocked to find Robert standing at Alex's door with a dozen red roses and bottle of wine. _Just my luck_, Alex thought, groaning inwardly.

Olivia's first thought when she saw him was, _Smug bastard_. She wondered why he was so dressed up just to see his girlfriend at her apartment. She didn't think that the word "casual" was even a part of his vocabulary. He stood there in his 3000 dollar pressed and tailor-made Valentino suit with his perfect hair and frozen smile like he had everything in the world at his fingertips. To be perfectly honest, he probably did. What she hated the most was that he had procured the most valued thing in her world—Alex.

Feeling like her legs were made of lead, Alex forced herself to walk up to him. Olivia walked a few paces behind her. Robert greeted Alex with a kiss on the lips and said, "Happy New Near, gorgeous. I brought a bottle of your favorite wine."

Olivia felt her blood start to boil. Alex took the roses from him and forced a smile. "Thanks, Robert. This is all very kind of you."

"Anything for you," Robert replied, kissing her again.

A slight flash of panic crossed Alex's eyes as she turned to Olivia. It was as if she expected her to jet at any minute. Apology quickly settled in her eyes as she prepared to introduce the woman she loved to the man she was expected to love. Turning back to him, she began, "Uh…Robert, this is Detective Olivia Benson of the Special Victims Unit." Her eyes darted to Olivia again and she continued, "Olivia, this is Robert Shelton, my boyfriend." She wished she could sink through the floor as she said the last words.

Olivia thought she heard a slight crack in her voice at the mention of the word "boyfriend." "Hello," she said, offering a smile and flawlessly hiding her contempt.

"Ah, yes. Alex mentioned you before," Robert said, extending his hand.

_When did this happen?_ Olivia wondered. Nonetheless, she took his hand and gave him a solid handshake. "Nice to meet you."

Robert was surprised at the woman's strength. He'd shaken hands with women from all walks of life but none had that amount of confidence or firmness. "It is a pleasure to meet you too, Olivia."

Olivia's expression slightly hardened but Robert didn't pick up on it. _It's Detective Benson to you!_ she wanted to scream.

An awkward silence ensued. Alex looked down at her roses and inhaled deeply. "These smell lovely, Robert."

"They were flown in from Ecuador," he replied. He said it as if Alex wouldn't dream of _not_ liking them.

Olivia had to fight the urge to roll her eyes. _This guy is so full of himself_, she thought in disgust. _What the hell does she see in him?_

He shifted the bottle of wine to his other hand and turned to Olivia. His smile was polite but his eyes were asking, or rather, _telling_ her to leave. He was disappointed that he hadn't gotten a chance to see Alex on the last day of the year, so he wanted her all to himself that night.

Alex was embarrassed at Robert's flaunting of his wealth in front of Olivia. _I guess he just wants her to know that I'm well taken care of_, she rationalized. _Maybe he thinks it will score points with her. _She looked at Olivia and prayed she wouldn't put him in his place. "Would you like to come in and join us for a glass of wine?"

"No," Olivia declined. She jerked her thumb in the direction of the elevator and continued, "I should get going. Have a long day ahead tomorrow."

Alex nodded. "I understand."

Olivia looked at Robert and forced a smile. "Enjoy your evening."

"You, too," he replied.

Olivia touched Alex on the arm. "Night, Alex."

Alex smiled and regretfully watched her walk away. "Night, Liv." After the elevator doors closed, she unlocked her door and thought, _Shit_.

* * *

A couple hours later, Olivia was just about to turn out the lights in the living room when her phone rang. She looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Alex. Rolling her eyes, she picked up the receiver and said, "Hello?"

"Hey, Liv," Alex said hesitantly.

"It's a little late to be calling, Alex. Surely I thought you'd be deep in the throes of passion right now."

Alex was taken aback by the low blow. "That's not fair. I didn't know he was coming. I checked my voicemail after he left—"

"Then maybe you shouldn't have turned your phone off at dinner," Olivia snapped.

"I didn't want us to be interrupted. Besides, Robert and I didn't do anything. I lied and told him I had a headache."

"Shouldn't a relationship be based on honesty?"

"Drop the sarcasm, Liv," Alex replied, starting to get annoyed.

"You sure know how to pick 'em," Olivia said before she could stop herself.

"Excuse me?" Alex asked.

Not about to back down since she'd already let the cat out of the bag, Olivia continued, "Alex, the guy's ego is as big as his bank account!"

Alex didn't know why she was taking offense at Olivia's dig at Robert, but she did. "Do you think the same thing about me?"

"You're not like him."

"Robert is a wonderful person! You don't even know him!"

"Why the hell are you even defending him?" Olivia demanded, frowning. "What about me? I had to watch him kiss you! Then I get blown off for that egotistical piece of—"

"Liv! Watch it," Alex scolded. "And I did not blow you off. I invited you inside."

"Did you honestly think I'd come in and have drinks with the two of you like nothing out of the ordinary was going on?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary _was_."

"Except for the fact that I fucked your brains out early this morning."

Alex blushed crimson at the mention of it. She quickly pushed down her arousal. "You know what I meant. It's not like he caught us kissing or making love. We were just coming back from dinner. He has no clue what's really going on between us."

"Nothing is going on. Alex, I told you that was a special occasion. We are just _friends_, remember?"

Alex was stung by her words, even though she knew she was right. She didn't know why she'd gotten her hopes up again in the first place. "Must you be so harsh? You know how much that meant to me."

"As much as when Robert fucks you?"

Alex gasped loudly and exclaimed, "You are out of line!"

"Speaking of which, he was disrespectful to me. He should've referred to me as Detective Benson and yet he called me Olivia. I can tell he thinks women are beneath him."

"That's bullshit, Liv! But I agree he shouldn't have called you by your first name. However, we _were_ in an informal setting and he probably thought he was establishing a good rapport with one of my friends. I'm sure he didn't mean any harm."

"I'm telling you it was deliberate. He gave off bad vibes. I'm a detective! I know how to read people!"

"You've misjudged people before! Remember Siobhan Miller?"

"Oh, please! You believed her, too! In fact, I was the first one who figured out she was running the whole scam and lying about being raped!"

"Olivia, fess up. The only reason you find fault with him is because he's my boyfriend. If he wasn't, you wouldn't be dissecting his every move."

"You're wrong. Did you even see the look he gave me? It was as if I was imposing on his time with you and he couldn't have been more anxious for me to leave. And when did you talk about me to him?"

Alex took a deep breath before responding, "On Christmas morning he asked who I was talking to and I told him you were a colleague from SVU." She cringed to think what her reaction would be.

"That was none of his damn business. He's already being possessive! Can't you see that?"

"Can we please put this behind us?" Alex pleaded.

Olivia ignored her. "I've been around plenty of cocky businessmen who think that everyone should jump when they say so. He's no different. His charm isn't enough to fool me because I know it's only a method of concealing his true nature."

"I'm not discussing this anymore with you," Alex said sternly. "Your approval of him is not what I'm seeking."

"Good, because you're never gonna get it."

"For someone who has no interest in dating me again, you sure are acting like a jealous girlfriend."

"Acting? Oh, I know Alex 'Closet Case' Cabot is not lecturing _me_ on acting."

Alex was furious. "Dammit, Olivia, we can't even have _one_ good day before your victim complex kicks in! First I make you a victim, now Robert."

"I am not claiming to be anyone's victim! Just callin' it like I see it. By the way, I hope you enjoyed your 300 dollar bottle of wine. Did he have that flown in as well?"

"Olivia…" Alex warned through gritted teeth.

She was not the least bit intimidated. "You know what they say about men who feel the need to impress women with expensive things. Big wardrobe, big car, big house but small dick."

It took Alex a moment to pick her jaw up off the floor. When she had regained her composure, she stated coldly, "You know, I called to apologize about earlier and attempt a civil conversation with you, but I see your maturity level is not up to par."

"Fuck you, Alex," Olivia said, slamming down the phone. She flipped off the lights and walked to her bedroom.

Alex held the phone in her hand and listened to the dreadful dial tone, which sent a chill through her. It was so distant, so final. Emptiness settled inside her as the room seemed to grow darker around her. For the second time that night she thought, _Shit_.


	27. Diversions

**Chapter 27: Diversions**

After her shift ended the following evening, Olivia decided to go to one of her favorite bars. The alcohol was plentiful, the women were beautiful, and the atmosphere was unprecedented. Her fight with Alex still resonated with her, and she needed something to take the sting out of things. Besides, if Alex was going to continue dating Robert, why shouldn't she find a woman of her own? Regardless of the fact that she had avoided having sex with him the night before, Olivia knew she would sleep with him again in the future. So she thought she was entitled to her own diversions. After all, it wasn't like she'd taken a vow of celibacy when she'd established rules against sexual contact with Alex. And she was determined that their New Year's romp would just be a one-time deal.

She had only been sitting at the bar a few minutes when she felt a hand on her back. She turned around to see Zoe Dunlop. "Hi!" she said, giving her a bright smile.

"Hi, Olivia. Mind if I sit?"

She shook her head. "No, not at all."

Zoe sat down beside her. "How have you been?"

"Good. How are you and Emma holding up?"

With a deep sigh, Zoe replied, "Well, things have been pretty tough, but they're slowly getting better. I haven't been out since Kate was hospitalized the last time, so I thought I'd come have a drink and unwind. How are things in your life?"

"Great," Olivia said, tilting her glass back. "Are you on the market again?"

Zoe laughed. "Kate and I were together 10 years. I'm certainly not looking for anything serious. I just need a…distraction."

"Ah, can't say I blame ya. How 'bout I buy you a drink?" Olivia asked.

Zoe nodded and smiled. "Thanks. That'd be great."

Olivia smiled in return. "What'll you have?"

"A screwdriver sounds good," she replied.

Olivia motioned for the bartender to come over. "I'd like another scotch on the rocks and for the lady here, a screwdriver."

"Coming right up," the bartender said, giving her a furtive smile. She took her empty glass and deliberately let her fingers brush her hand in the process. Olivia had always been one of her favorite patrons. Even though she had a tough exterior, her eyes were a cloud of mystery and deep-seated emotion. She found her to be a very desirable woman and if she hadn't been with anyone, she probably would've asked her to come home with her.

Of course, the bartender wasn't the only one who found Olivia enticing. From the moment she first saw the beautiful detective, Zoe had been attracted to her. The strong confidence, take-no-prisoners swagger, probing intelligence, and empathetic nature could make anyone swoon. They had had an instant connection, and she appreciated that Olivia had gone to bat for her a number of times during the investigation. She hadn't asked her if she liked women but she could sense it, hence why she wasn't exactly surprised to see her in a lesbian bar.

With a wink at Olivia, the bartender served them their drinks and went to take other orders. Zoe took a sip of her screwdriver and asked, "Are you single?"

"Single as can be," Olivia answered.

Zoe let her eyes travel over her body. "I'm surprised no one has snatched a woman as gorgeous as yourself off the market."

Olivia laughed. "I guess you could say I've encountered a little dating slump."

Zoe studied her expression carefully. "Did you recently get out of a long-term relationship?"

Olivia sighed and looked down at her drink. "You could say that."

Sensing that she didn't care to elaborate, Zoe decided not to press the issue. "You come here often?"

"I haven't been here in a while, actually."

Zoe stirred her drink. "You know, before I left home I thought it was too soon, but my best friend told me I needed to move on with my life. And I guess she's right. As much as I love and miss Kate, she's never coming back," she said, her voice breaking. Olivia put a hand on her back and rubbed gently. Zoe took another sip and continued, "And I've tried to be there for Emma as much as possible to help her get through it all…I just felt like the walls were closing in on me."

"I can understand how much of a toll this is taking on you," Olivia said sympathetically. "You're so used to taking care of others that you neglect taking care of yourself."

Zoe smiled and held back tears. Her hand on her back gave her more comfort than she'd expected. "I'm sure you've heard that a lot."

Olivia chuckled. "I have."

"You don't heed it much, do you?"

Olivia smiled. "I guess I'm stubborn like that."

Zoe finished the rest of her drink. "What do you say we hit the dance floor?"

"I'll need another drink in me before that happens," Olivia joked. She signaled for the bartender to come back.

After she'd downed her third scotch of the night, she grabbed Zoe's hand and pulled her off the stool. They made their way through the crowd of gyrating bodies until they found a clear spot.

"I love this song," Zoe whispered in her ear.

Olivia nodded and pulled her in close. As the rhythmic beats pumped through their bodies, she slowly began to grind against her waist.

Zoe moved her hips in rhythm to hers. She was glad that the drinks had loosened Olivia's inhibitions and she was having a good time. She ran her hands up and down the detective's back. She could smell her perfume—warm, inviting, and intoxicating. She danced her way down her body. On her way back up, her nose brushed the bottom of her shirt, pushing it up and revealing a sliver of olive skin. Her knees went weak and if Olivia hadn't grabbed her waist, she probably would've fallen to the floor.

"Trying to undress me?" Olivia asked with a small chuckle.

Zoe smiled and purred, "Not yet."

Leaning in next to her ear, Olivia whispered, "Do you move your hips like this all the time?"

Zoe shivered at Olivia's warm breath. She'd never wanted anyone the way she wanted this woman. "It depends on what the activity requires," she responded sultrily.

Olivia turned Zoe around so that her back was facing her. Zoe raised her arms above her head and swayed her hips back and forth. Olivia ran her hands over her stomach.

Letting out a low moan, Zoe reached behind her and put her arm around Olivia's neck. She then pressed her ass against her crotch and began grinding hard and fast.

Olivia felt herself getting aroused. A trickle of sweat traveled down the side of her forehead. She just wanted to get lost in the heat of someone else, but her body and mind were having conflicting thoughts. She felt a bit guilty because of Alex. She tried to push images of her—smiling, laughing, gazing at her like she was the only one in the world—out of her head. _It's not like we're still dating_, she coached herself. _I can do whatever I want._

Her thoughts were interrupted when Zoe turned her head to the side and captured her mouth. Olivia was surprised at how soft and warm her lips were. She tangled a hand in Zoe's wavy brown hair and kissed her harder. It had been so long since she'd kissed another woman and she had to admit that it felt good. Even though Zoe wasn't Alex, she was an attractive woman, great dancer, and great kisser.

Zoe turned around fully in her arms and slipped her tongue between her parted lips. _God, she tastes so sweet_, she thought. As she massaged her tongue, she let a hand move down to her hip. She then moved it around and let it linger on the detective's belt buckle.

They finally broke away to catch their breath. "Let's get outta here," Olivia suggested.

Zoe nodded. She grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the door.

What Olivia didn't know was that Serena was there with Kay Hartley. She had been watching her from afar and could tell that things were getting hot and heavy with her dance partner. When she saw Olivia leave with her, she wasn't shocked at all, but she knew that Alex would be deeply hurt.

* * *

Olivia woke up the next morning to the sound of scuffling. After tripping over her own boots, Zoe bumped into the chest of drawers as she was pulling on her jeans. She flashed a smile at her and said, "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. But my best friend's babysitting Emma and I don't want to keep her there all day."

Olivia nodded. "It's ok. I needed to get up in an hour anyway."

Zoe slipped on her boots and looked at Olivia's clothes that were strewn haphazardly all over the floor. The comforter was beside them. "I guess we had a pretty wild night."

Olivia laughed. "I'll say."

Zoe put her cell phone in her pocket and walked over to the bed. "I just wanted to thank you for last night. Being with you was the first time I've felt alive since Kate died."

Olivia smiled. "Thank _you_. That was quite an um…performance."

Zoe grinned. "You have my number," she said, planting a final kiss on her lips. "Call me."

With a glint of mischief in her eyes, Olivia pulled the sheet up over her chest and replied, "You can count on it."


	28. Secrets

**Chapter 28: Secrets**

Olivia was pummeling away at a punching bag when she heard a voice behind her say, "Ouch. Glad I'm not that bag."

She turned to find Alex with a sheepish grin on her face. "What are you doing here?"

Alex took a few steps closer to her. "You don't have to look like you've just had a tooth pulled. Elliot told me I could find you here. I thought I could get that rock climbing lesson you promised me."

Olivia wiped her brow with the back of her arm and replied, "Think I'll have to take a rain check. I'm a little worn out for that right now." But she had to admit that Alex looked beyond sexy in a blue tank top and light gray drawstring pants. Her outfit accentuated her slim, lean figure in all the right places. Her hair was pulled back in a high ponytail and she looked like she was ready for business.

Alex looked at Olivia—sweat dripping off her chin, white tank top clinging to her like a second skin—and felt her heart skip a beat. Her black shorts showed off her muscular thighs and toned calves. She imagined those strong thighs gripping her tightly as Olivia rode her like there was no tomorrow. _Fuck rock climbing! I wanna climb her instead!_ When she was able to think and speak coherently again, she said, "It's ok. We can do it some other time."

Olivia picked up her water bottle and took several swigs. Wiping her mouth, she asked, "Are you gonna stand there and look pretty or are you actually gonna exercise?"

Alex laughed. "I guess I could do some free weights." She walked over to the rack and picked up the 10 lb. dumbbells. She started lifting while Olivia lay down on a mat and began doing bicycle crunches.

"So what's the real reason you came?" Olivia asked a few minutes later, not skipping a beat.

Alex's hand froze midair. Slowly lowering the dumbbell, she said, "Well, I know I really dropped the ball with you a couple weeks ago. I wanted to patch things up but I thought I'd give it all some time to blow over first. Will you accept my apology?"

Olivia stopped her crunches and sat up. "What's the catch?"

"There's not one. I just don't wanna lose you."

Olivia sighed. "Ok."

Alex smiled gratefully. "Thank you." She resumed her lifting. "So have you finished that book yet?"

"Which one?" Olivia asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

"_A Grave Talent_," Alex replied.

"Oh," Olivia said. "I finished that long ago. You wanna borrow it?"

"Yeah."

A short silence ensued. Olivia flipped over on her stomach and began doing pushups. "You're never gonna work up a sweat lifting those tiny things," she said with a smirk.

"I guess I could always run," Alex decided. She put down the dumbbells and started up a treadmill.

When Olivia had finished her set, she stood up and announced, "Gonna get some more water. You want anything?"

"Thanks. A Propel would be nice," Alex answered, her ponytail flopping from side to side.

Olivia took a few seconds to stare at the alternating motion of her curvy hips. _Damn, those pants really do her justice_. "Coming right up," she replied, finally running off.

She returned less than a minute later. She sat down on a bench and wrapped a towel around her neck. Taking her water bottle, she squirted it all over her head.

Alex's eyes almost bugged out of her head at the scene. _Oh dear god_, she thought, gulping.

Olivia looked at her as she continued squirting. "Somethin' wrong, Alex?"

"Shit!" Alex swore loudly as she tripped. She grabbed the console just in time.

Olivia laughed. "You know, Alex, you should really look straight ahead when you're running."

Alex turned beet red. She decided to change the subject. "How was work today?"

"The usual. Too many cases, not enough time or leads."

"The exciting world of the justice system," Alex commented dryly.

After she'd run a couple miles, she got off and asked, "How's that for a sweat?"

Olivia smiled and handed her a fresh towel. "It's a little better."

Alex sat down next to her and opened up her drink. After taking several swallows, she announced, "I signed up for yoga. Start next week."

Olivia laughed. "So you're actually gonna do it?"

"Yeah, my therapist said it would be a good idea. She said it could help me with my…symptoms," Alex responded, looking down.

"Your PTSD," Olivia said for her. She touched her arm. "Alex…it's nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing that happened to you was your fault. You had one traumatic experience after another before you could heal from the previous one. Anyone else in your shoes would have it, too."

"I know. It's just…inconvenient. Sometimes it creeps up on me when I least expect it. What if yoga doesn't help?"

"It will," Olivia promised.

"But what if something triggers it after I start?"

"Alex, even if yoga only helps 1 percent, that 1 percent is better than nothing at all. That could be one less nightmare, one less flashback, or one less panic attack you'd have to go through."

Alex let out a distressed sigh. "I suppose you're right. But I just want to be normal again."

Olivia smiled. "You weren't normal before."

Alex flicked her towel at her. "Hey!"

Olivia laughed. "I kid. But Alex, no one is completely normal."

Alex gave a small smile. "Well, I do look forward to using that mat you gave me. I was reading the literature they gave me at the studio. It's supposed to calm the nervous system by discharging negative energy that results from trauma."

Olivia smirked. "So simply put, it unifies the body and mind."

Alex laughed. "Right. One of my ADAs takes yoga. She enjoys it."

"Jessica?"

"Christina."

"Oh. Are you two in the same class?"

"No. I have it on a different day with another studio."

Olivia drank the rest of the water in her bottle and stood up. "I'm gonna go grab a shower."

Alex quickly rose to her feet. "Ok, I'll come with." Olivia raised an eyebrow. Alex chuckled and explained, "I meant separately."

Olivia snorted. "Right."

After they finished showering, Alex asked hopefully, "Would you like to come over for dinner?"

"Uh…I can't. I'm meeting a friend."

Alex's eyes widened. _Which friend_? she wondered, but she didn't dare ask because she knew it was none of her business and she didn't want Olivia to think she was being a nosy parker. However, she did find it odd that she didn't give specifics because generally she would have. _Could it be a date?_ she feared. She quickly pushed that thought down. _Nah, it probably is just a friend of hers I haven't met_, she rationalized. "Oh…we can have dinner another night then," she said, trying to hide her disappointment.

"Yeah." Olivia could tell that Alex was trying to figure out who it was. She found it slightly amusing to see her squirm. She threw the strap of her gym bag over her shoulder and started walking toward the locker room exit.

Alex threw her brush into her own bag and hurried after her. "Hey, wait for me!"

When they were outside the building, Olivia said, "Well, I guess I'll see ya later."

"Yeah. See ya," Alex replied with a slight wave. She watched as Olivia retreated down the sidewalk.

In the past, whenever one of them would run into each other at the gym, they always left together. This time they were going their separate ways. She hoped that was not indicative of permanent directions they would be taking in their lives. _Will it always be like this?_ she feared as Olivia disappeared in the crowd.

* * *

Olivia was just lighting the last candle when she heard a knock at her door. She rushed to open it. Zoe was standing there with a casserole dish. "I'm known for my famous pasta bake. It's Emma's favorite."

Olivia leaned down to take a whiff. "Can't wait to try it."

After they finished eating, they cuddled up on the sofa. Zoe pushed some hair behind Olivia's ear and murmured, "These past two weeks with you have been incredible."

Olivia smiled. "I agree. And it doesn't hurt that you're a really good cook."

Zoe laughed. "Thanks." She looked around the room. "These candles were a really nice touch."

"Glad you like them. Thought they would set the mood," she replied, a playful smile curling at the corner of her mouth.

Zoe bunched together the front of Olivia's shirt and pulled her closer. "Somehow I don't think we would've had any problems in that area," she whispered, closing her eyes and seizing her lips.

As Zoe kissed her, Olivia noticed something was different—not with Zoe but with herself. She didn't feel the same excitement that she had before. She attributed this to seeing Alex that afternoon. Instead of solely concentrating on the pleasure she was receiving, images of her kept flashing through her mind. She was reminded of her smell, her touch, her hair, her moans, her lips. She saw her lying naked before her in all her delicious glory, every ounce of her body competing for her undivided attention. She wouldn't have realized when Zoe started to undress her if she hadn't motioned for her to lift her arms.

_This cannot be happening_, she thought in annoyance, trying to force the thoughts out. She refused to let them overtake her and ruin their evening. She started remembering how much Alex had hurt her and Robert's place in her life. As Zoe unlatched her bra, she thought about Robert unlatching Alex's. She thought about him kissing her, stroking her, moving inside her. She envisioned Alex screaming out in the heat of passion. And just like she had told her that the claims adjuster whispered "Emily," she imagined Robert whispering "Alex." Her anger pushed out her reluctance and her zeal for Zoe returned.

As soon as her bra was off, Olivia pounced on Zoe, forcing her on her back. Zoe ran her tongue over her lips. "Ooh, someone's quite a tiger tonight."

"You ain't seen nothin' yet," Olivia growled, straddling her waist and ripping open her shirt.

Zoe moaned in pleasure as teeth raked over her cleavage. Soon her own bra was on the floor and Olivia was desperately pulling her pants and underwear down her legs. She let out a sharp gasp and arched her back as three fingers were shoved inside.

Olivia slammed her eyes shut. With each thrust, she allowed herself to fall deeper and deeper into oblivion. She felt liberated, no longer bound by the prison of her mind. All she concentrated on was bringing this woman pleasure. Curling her fingers, she pushed harder and harder until she felt Zoe's walls clenching around them.

With a piercing scream, Zoe shook violently as her orgasm overtook her. Her chest heaving, Olivia collapsed against her and willed her breathing to slow. A gentle arm wrapped around her back and she snuggled in closer to Zoe. Nothing was said; nothing needed to be said. She wanted to remain lost in the land of comfort her embrace provided. She kept her eyes closed for fear that if she opened them, reality would settle in again.

* * *

Alex opened the door to let in Serena. "Hey, you," she greeted. "How's Kay?"

Serena smiled. "She's good. But I guess you didn't call me here to just get the dish on my relationship with her."

Alex laughed and led the way to the living room. She motioned for Serena to take a seat on the sofa. "Guess who I saw at the gym today?"

Serena smirked. "Cleopatra?"

"Ha ha," Alex said dryly. "Liv. We worked out a little."

"Really? How did that happen?"

"I asked Elliot where she was. I didn't bother with the phone or email route this time because I didn't want her ignoring me again. I just showed up and went up to her."

"So she's not still mad at you after the whole Robert fiasco?"

"She didn't mention it, but I apologized. I'm just glad she talked to me at all."

"Yeah, that argument you two had was pretty rough."

Alex leaned back in the armchair and stretched her legs out on the ottoman. "Hell, if you think that was rough, imagine the torture I felt having her in the shower right next to me today."

Serena laughed and shook her head. "Knowing you it was unbearable."

"Damn right. I thought I was gonna lose it."

Serena grinned and crossed her legs. "I see a hot and sweaty Olivia Benson turning on the water, soaping up—"

"Serena, are you trying to make me have a heart attack?" Alex interrupted.

"Oh, come on. It's not like you weren't thinking it. I'm surprised you were even able to concentrate on showering."

Alex smiled. "Can't help it."

"You think she was thinking about you, too?"

Alex blushed. "I sure hope so!" Her smile slowly faded when she remembered where Olivia was going afterwards. "But something she said makes me wonder."

"What?" Serena asked.

"I asked her if she wanted to have dinner but she said she was meeting a friend."

_Must be the woman from the bar_, Serena thought. She was determined to keep her face expressionless. "Friend?"

"Yeah," Alex replied. "She didn't say who and I didn't ask. You don't think she's dating anyone, do you?"

Serena shrugged. "I uh…why would you think that?" she asked, trying to stall.

Alex sighed. "I dunno. It just seemed like she was being all secretive."

_Oh, what the hell. Now or never_, Serena decided. "Alex…I think you should know—" she began.

She was cut off by the ringing of Alex's cell phone. "Hello?" Alex answered, standing up and walking a few feet away.

Serena watched her as she talked. When she realized she was talking to Robert, she decided against telling her the news about Olivia. If Alex was going to continue actively living a lie, she wasn't going to give her the ammunition to try to ruin whatever Olivia had with her female companion. _Olivia shouldn't have to be lonely_, she thought. _Why should Alex have all the fun?_

Alex closed her phone a few minutes later and put it in her purse. "Oh, Serena…sorry, but I have to go. Robert wants me to meet him for dinner. What was it you were gonna say?"

Serena forced a smile and stood up. "Uh, it wasn't important."

Alex wrinkled her brow. "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Alex was not convinced. "You were saying you thought I should know something," she said skeptically, folding her arms.

"I was just gonna say that you should know Olivia's heart is with you," Serena lied. _Well, I'm not being entirely untruthful._

Alex breathed an internal sigh of relief. She smiled and gave Serena a hug. "I can always count on you to quash my fears."

Serena returned her embrace. _Then you're gonna be in for a rude awakening this time_, she thought sadly.


	29. Frozen

**Chapter 29: Frozen**

"Are you sure we can't spend a few more minutes in here?" Zoe mumbled, resting her chin on Olivia's shoulder and wrapping her arms around her from behind.

Olivia looked over her shoulder and planted a kiss on her cheek. "I'm afraid we won't get out if we stay much longer."

Zoe ran her hands over her slippery breasts and stomach. "What's so wrong with that?"

Olivia chuckled and leaned back into the spray of water to rinse the conditioner out of her hair. "I have to go in today."

"Just a few more minutes…" Zoe begged, pinching a nipple. "Come on, we have plenty of time."

Olivia jumped a little against her and smiled. "I'll need an incentive."

Zoe slowly slipped a couple fingers inside her, causing her to release a loud moan. "Will this do the trick?" she asked, placing gentle kisses on her neck.

"Oh, yes," Olivia said as Zoe began a steady thrusting rhythm.

Twenty minutes later, they finally made their way out of the shower. "If I'm late for work, I'm telling my captain it's your fault," Olivia said, grabbing a towel and drying off.

Zoe laughed. "I'll make sure to have my apology ready."

A knock was heard at the door. Olivia quickly wrapped the towel around her and said, "Shit, that must be Elliot. But why he's here a half hour early, I don't know." She padded through the living room and unlocked the door. When she saw it was Alex, her stomach practically dropped two floors.

Alex walked inside and smiled to see her in nothing but a towel. "Good morning, Liv. I just wanted to catch you early so I could return your book…and I thought maybe we could go jogging."

Olivia took the book and looked down at it as if it was the most interesting thing she'd ever seen. She shifted it from one hand to the other. "Uh…sorry, I can't. I have to be in at 7 today." _Zoe, please stay in the bathroom until she leaves_, she silently begged.

Alex wondered what was up with her. She could see the hesitation in her eyes. "Oh…well, ok. How about we schedule a day to go jogging later in the week?" she asked hopefully.

Before she could answer, Zoe came out of the bathroom. Alex looked at her as if she'd just seen a ghost. Her heart started to pound in her chest. _Please tell me this is just a bad dream_, she thought.

Zoe walked right up beside Olivia. "Who knew that Elliot turned into such a beautiful woman overnight," she teased, grinning at Alex.

Olivia forced a nervous laugh. "Oh…this is my friend Alex. She was our ADA before Novak. Alex, this is Zoe."

_Where have I seen her before?_ Zoe wondered, racking her brain. Then she realized. "Oh yes, I remember seeing you in the papers. It was so tragic what happened."

Frozen in place, Alex continued to stare at her. She stood there in Olivia's navy robe—the same robe she herself had worn whenever she spent the night. She felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. A flood of emotions flashed through her mind—defeat, confusion, abandonment, hurt, sadness, anger, envy. But the one that stood out the most was _betrayal_. However, she refused to let a single thought reflect on the surface. Plastering a smile on her face, she offered her hand to Zoe and said, "Pleased to meet you."

"You, too," Zoe replied, shaking her hand. "Witness protection has to be rough. I'm glad they got the guy who did that to you."

"Well, it's no picnic," Alex said flatly. The last person she wanted to discuss details of her attempted murder and time in witness protection with was a woman Olivia was obviously fucking. She looked from Zoe to Olivia and made the connection between their damp hair and skin. _Fuck! They showered together?!_

Olivia gauged Alex's reaction. The icy veneer was firmly set in place but the fire in her eyes threatened to melt it. Unlike her professional mask, this fire wasn't fueled by confidence but by fury at the loss of it. This difference would've been undetected by anyone else but she knew Alex well enough to catch it. Olivia knew she was doing everything within her power to try to hold herself together and keep from crumbling.

Zoe could feel an awkward tension in the room. She didn't know if it was because Alex was unfamiliar with Olivia's sexuality and was somewhat shocked to see a woman at her place or if they had a history themselves. She pointed in the direction of the bedroom and said, "Well, I'm gonna go get dressed." Smiling brightly at Alex, she added, "Best of luck."

Alex flashed another robotic smile. "Thanks. Have a good day."

When the door closed she returned her gaze to Olivia, who still looked like a deer caught in headlights. "I…I should go. I'm sure you two have important business to attend to," she quipped, barely able to keep the bitterness and disgust out of her voice. She turned on her heel and was out the door before Olivia could say anything.

Olivia stared at the door and thought, _Fuck_. Shaking her head, she turned around and joined Zoe in the bedroom so she could get dressed.

* * *

As soon as Alex arrived at Central Park, she began to run. She had no destination or particular route in mind, she just needed to _go_. The more she thought about Zoe and Olivia, the harder and faster she pumped her legs in a futile attempt to escape the pain. The world around her was nothing but a mere blur for several minutes. She didn't stop until her lungs were burning for oxygen. Bending over and holding her stomach, she sucked in several sharp breaths. Usually a jog made her feel energized but at that moment she just felt depleted.

She stood up straight and looked around her, hoping she could recharge. All was clear except for early morning birdwatchers, readers, and fellow joggers. They all looked so carefree and excited for what the day had in store. But she wasn't. In fact, she dreaded it. She couldn't wait for it to be over so she could lie down in her bed, close her eyes, and shut out all the troubling thoughts. She at least hoped she wouldn't be tormented in her dreams.

Ignoring the pain in her side, she forced herself to start running again. She probably would've kept going if she hadn't looked at her watch and noticed that she would just have enough time to shower and change before going to the office. Turning around and starting a steady jog back, she concentrated on clearing her head and focusing on work and work alone. She didn't know how easy it would be that day, but she was determined to push Olivia to the back of her mind one way or another.

* * *

Olivia walked into the bureau that evening. The place was dead silent and would've been completely dark save for the light coming from Alex's office. Her shades were pulled up halfway and she could see that Alex was furiously writing. _Always working_, she thought, although that brought about a certain sense of pride because one thing she'd always loved about Alex was that her hard work ethic so closely mirrored her own. The door was open but Alex didn't notice her. She smiled at seeing the painting she'd given her on the wall behind her and the yoga mat hanging from her coat rack.

Before she could get too lost in sentimental thoughts, she remembered the reason she was there. Taking a deep breath and straightening her shoulders, she walked up to Alex's office and knocked on the doorframe.

Alex looked up. Her face hardened instantly when she saw Olivia. "May I help you, Detective?" she asked curtly.

Olivia frowned. "Way to be mature about this, _Counselor_." She closed the door. Even though no one else was on the floor, she didn't want to take a chance that someone would come back for something and hear every word they were saying.

Alex put down her pen. "I don't have time for this. As you can see, I was in the middle of something."

Olivia braced her hands against the desk and leaned over her. "Well, then I'll get right to the point. If you want me to feel guilty about Zoe, I won't."

Alex stared defiantly into her eyes. "I couldn't care less about Zoe," she lied.

Olivia gave a mean smirk. "Really? Then what was that little remark you made before you left?"

"I was just stating facts," Alex shot back.

"Well, how about I state some? Jealousy, petulance, bitterness—"

Alex jumped to her feet. "Don't you dare mock me. She's nothing to be jealous of."

Olivia laughed at Alex's false sense of confidence. "Au contraire."

Alex folded her arms. "So do all the women who come through your apartment get to shower with you and wear your robe as some badge of honor?"

Olivia looked like steam would shoot from her ears any second. "Women? You see one woman at my place and assume I have some drive-thru service?"

"Well, do you?" Alex taunted, her eyes flashing.

"Fuck you! At least I don't sleep with men for the sake of some pre-emptive strike should anyone question my sexuality! How much longer are you gonna use men as your human dildos?"

Turning red at the crass language, Alex rushed around her desk and stood to face Olivia. "You've slept with more men than I have!"

Olivia narrowed her eyes. "You can rant and rave all you want, but that's not going to stop me from seeing Zoe."

Alex opened her mouth to give a biting reply but all her resolve suddenly vanished. "Olivia, we have one fight and you start dating someone else?" she asked, desperately trying to hold back her tears.

"We aren't dating—yet," Olivia retorted coldly. "And who are you to tell me whom I can and cannot date? You've got some nerve especially since you're dating someone yourself!"

A new wave of fury washed over her at the "yet" that ended the sentence. "It's different," Alex spouted through gritted teeth.

Olivia folded her arms. "Oh really? How so?" she challenged.

"If you were gonna get with someone else, I'd rather it be a guy…" Alex replied helplessly.

"Well, you don't get to make that choice," Olivia snapped. "Just because you're not happy living your fake life doesn't mean I have to suffer, too."

"How do you know I'm not happy with Robert?"

"If you were happy with him, you wouldn't keep coming to me!"

"Coming to you? We are not fucking each other!"

"We don't have to be. We are still as emotionally involved as before. We fuck without fucking, date without dating, kiss without kissing—"

"Maybe I'll just stop coming around!" Alex interrupted. "Is that what you want?"

"I want you to give me the same consideration I give you! I agreed to be friends with you even though you were seeing Robert, yet the moment I start seeing someone the bet is off? Hypocrite much?"

"Robert and no other man have the power to replace you in my heart! I've told you that before. Don't you get it?"

"So that's what this is all about, huh? You're afraid Zoe is a replacement? That I've fallen for her?"

"Well, have you?" Alex asked, afraid to hear the answer.

Olivia didn't speak for several seconds. "No, Alex. But that doesn't mean I can't enjoy myself."

"It also doesn't mean that you won't fall."

This time Olivia said nothing. Alex was hoping she would deny it. She swallowed hard. Quietly, she asked, "She was the one you were meeting for dinner last week, wasn't she?"

"Yes," Olivia answered.

"You couldn't tell me?" Alex asked dolefully.

Olivia hated to hear the pain in her voice. It struck her deep in her gut but she needed to remain firm. "Why should I have told you if you were just going to react this way?"

Alex pushed her glasses to the top of her head and sighed deeply. "When you were with men, I knew they couldn't fulfill you like I could. But another woman has the same power I have."

Instead of calming her fears and telling her Zoe would never be her, she replied, "Alex, it's your choice to remain closeted. If you weren't, we'd be together."

Alex glared at her, her sadness quickly giving way to anger again. "Yes, Liv, you've said it a thousand times!"

"And you've used your career as an excuse a thousand times, too!" Olivia said heatedly. "The truth is you're just a coward! You'd still be closeted even if you didn't work for the DA's office!"

"It's not just an excuse! If I wasn't in love with you and people weren't so homophobic, I'd only sleep with other women! You, on the other hand, are sleeping with other women just to hurt me 'cause you know I'd never risk it and you know it would hurt me more than knowing you were sleeping with a guy! And then you come and interrupt me at the office just so you can rub it in my face? Grow up!"

Olivia glared at her. "Alex, you think I'm doing this to get back at you? Not everything is about you. Get over your fucking self."

"Get out! Get out of my damn office!" Alex screamed, her lower lip trembling. She silently berated herself for losing control. She should be working yet she was fuming over something that didn't even directly concern her.

Olivia stormed out and slammed the door shut. The sound reverberated throughout the bureau. When she could no longer hear the click of her boot heels, Alex sat back down behind her desk and burst into tears, feeling as empty inside as the 7th floor was at that point.


	30. Metamorphosis

**Chapter 30: Metamorphosis**

As soon as Alex got home, she decided to fix a long hot bath in the hopes that it would soothe her. She lowered her body into the water and leaned her head back against the tile.

She had been soaking for several minutes when her conversation with Olivia suddenly came to the forefront of her mind. _Shit, I don't need this now_, she thought, quickly trying to push the thoughts away. But no matter how hard she tried, they were stuck there. She could hear her words again: _"You can rant and rave all you want, but that's not going to stop me from seeing Zoe."_ She remembered Zoe standing in her robe as if she was entitled to it, happily taking her place in her life.

She looked down at the water. What had just a few minutes ago brought her great comfort now made her feel nauseated. The water started to blur before her eyes. She saw it not as her bathwater but the water that cascaded down Olivia and Zoe's bodies in the shower. She saw Zoe kissing her, sliding her hands all over her body, making love to her… She saw Olivia moaning in pleasure, the face she made when she climaxed…

_I need to get out of here_, she thought. She quickly stood up. Her head started to swim. She slowly and carefully climbed out of the tub and put her hands against the wall to brace herself as she made her way to the toilet. Making it just in time, she collapsed to her knees and heaved up the contents of her stomach.

After nothing was left but dry heaves, she grabbed some toilet paper and wiped her mouth. She slowly rose to her feet. She didn't even realize she was shaking until she saw her reflection in the mirror. She suddenly felt a painful tightening in her chest. Her breathing came faster and faster and the room started to spin around her.

"Stop!" she yelled out, tightly gripping the counter.

The tightening increased. Her heart pounding in her ears was so loud that she almost didn't recognize her own voice when she yelled "Stop!" again.

"Stop, please God…stop," she begged, tears streaming down her face. She remembered what her therapist had advised. _Breathe deeply_, she told herself. _Just breathe deeply and imagine you're somewhere peaceful._

In a few minutes, it all subsided. As her body returned to normal, she slid down to the floor and pressed her back against the cabinets.

For the next few minutes she just sat there staring into space. She felt somewhat disconnected from her body, as if she were floating in orbit around herself. Remnants of her conversation with Olivia still coursed intermittently through her mind, but it seemed as if they were far in the distance.

The only thing that pierced through her daze was the sound of the phone ringing. Staggering to her feet, she reached for her robe.

She made it to her bed just as the phone started its fourth ring. "H-hello?"

From the sound of her voice, Serena immediately knew something was wrong. "Hey, Alex. It's me. What's wrong?"

Alex nervously ran a hand through her tangled hair. "Uh…I just…it's nothing really—"

"I'm coming over," Serena interrupted.

"You don't have to," Alex replied. "I'm just really stressed out."

Serena knew it was something more. "I'll be there in 15."

"Serena…" Alex began.

"I'll be there in 15," Serena repeated, this time a bit more sternly. She hung up the phone and grabbed her keys.

Alex leaned back against her headboard and expelled a long breath. A part of her was ashamed to have Serena see her like that but another part of her was relieved that she would no longer be alone.

As she was again lost in her thoughts, the doorbell rang. She climbed out of her bed, went over to the mirror, and tried to smooth her hair. _I look like shit_, she thought.

The trek down the stairs seemed to take forever. The dizziness returned and she held onto the banister for fear that she would suddenly tumble to the bottom of the staircase. Stopping and taking a deep breath, she shut her eyes tight to make the sensation go away and then slowly started her descent again.

"Co-coming!" she shouted hoarsely as the doorbell rang again.

She walked through the foyer and unlocked the door. "Hi," she said softly, her lips quivering as she tried to form a smile.

"I got here as soon as I could," Serena said, walking in. She took in Alex's haggard appearance. "Are you ok?"

Alex closed the door and replied, "It's just…this day has been hell."

Serena put her arm around her shoulders and said, "It's ok, sweetie. Let's go in the living room and you can tell me all about it."

Alex nodded. "Ok."

After they were seated on the sofa, Serena asked, "What happened?"

Alex sighed and began telling her what had transpired. Serena studied her carefully as she spoke and suddenly noticed something had changed; there was a different aura about her and look in her eyes. She couldn't exactly put her finger on it, but she was confident it was there. By the time Alex finished describing the horrible events of the day, she was crying.

Serena patted her on the back and handed her some tissues. "Shh, it'll be ok."

"I don't know if it will be," Alex responded.

"Do we need to get you to the hospital?" Serena asked.

Alex shook her head quickly. "No. Please…I'll be fine."

Serena noticed that Alex's face was still red and blotchy. "Sweetie, are you sure?"

Alex nodded. "Yes. Liv just got inside my head, is all." She sniffled and added another tissue to the small pile in front of her.

Seeing that her hand was slightly shaking, Serena gently grasped her shoulders and pulled her up from the sofa. "Come on. Let's go outside and get some fresh air."

Alex nodded again and let her lead her out onto the terrace. She deeply inhaled, feeling thankful to have new air in her lungs.

"Do you feel a little better now?" Serena asked.

Alex turned to her and smiled. "Yes."

"I'll be back. I'm going to get you a bottle of water."

When Serena returned, Alex gratefully took the bottle of water and unscrewed the cap. "Thanks."

"No problem," Serena said, rubbing her back.

Alex swallowed some water, which felt cool against her burning throat. She looked out over the city. "I certainly never expected any of this to happen."

"Everyone has bad days."

"And nights," Alex added. "Fighting with Liv is the worst feeling ever. I feel like I'm fighting for nothing and everything all at once."

"In a way you are," Serena said.

Alex looked at her curiously. "What do you mean?"

"You two keep going back and forth even though you're trying so hard not to lose each other," she explained. "When Liv gets close, you pull away. When you get close, Liv pulls away. Remember what I told you? Love isn't about gazing at each other but in looking in the same direction. How much longer are you two going to play tag with each other's hearts?"

Alex sighed. "I know, but I have to pull away to maintain my sanity. I can't let this drive me mad. And I know it's not fair to Liv since technically I am doing the same thing, but I…I just can't handle it."

"So you're more threatened by the prospect of an emotional bond with Zoe?" Serena asked.

Alex nodded distractedly. "Yes. Because she knows that when I'm with men—whether sexually or otherwise—I'm not going to develop romantic feelings for them."

"Alex…she may just be doing what you were doing with Jim. Just because she's sleeping with a woman doesn't mean she'll have feelings for her. Maybe Zoe is just her way of forgetting her pain over you. I've slept with women whom I had no romantic feelings for whatsoever."

Unfortunately, Serena's words didn't do much to assuage her fears. "But what if it does become something more?"

"Doesn't mean she'll stop loving you—or that you'll stop loving her."

"Why does love have to hurt so much?"

"If it didn't, it wouldn't really be worthwhile, now would it? Besides, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Alex gave a pained smile. "That's just it, Serena. I feel it may kill me."

"Then don't let it," she said softly, squeezing her hand reassuringly.

* * *

Olivia opened her door and was surprised to find Serena. "Um…hi."

"Hi, Olivia. May I come in?"

Olivia shrugged and moved out of the doorway to let her in. Closing the door and turning around to face her, she asked, "What's up?"

"Are you alone?" Serena asked, looking toward the bedroom.

Olivia frowned. "Why is that any of your concern?"

Serena cocked her head to the side. "I have something important to talk to you about and we don't need to be…interrupted."

Olivia sighed. "Yeah."

Serena took a seat on the sofa. "I just came from Alex's."

Olivia rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips. "Let me guess. You're here to chastise me for sleeping with Zoe, too?"

"No, but Alex told me what happened. You could've handled the situation with a bit more tact."

Olivia scoffed. "Excuse me, but I don't think you have a right to tell me how to handle things with Alex. It's really none of your business."

Serena narrowed her eyes. "It may not be, but I don't like coming to my best friend's apartment and seeing her that torn up. She looked like a hurricane had hit her! So you need to tread gently."

Olivia's anger softened into concern. "She had an attack?"

"Yeah, she did."

Olivia ran her hands down her face. "Shit."

"When I called her, she didn't even sound like herself. And when I got there, she looked so scared and small and just fragile. I've never seen her like that before."

Olivia sat down beside Serena. "Is she ok?" she asked, her heart racing.

"Now she is," Serena answered.

Olivia let out a sigh of relief. "Good."

"But that's not what worries me the most," Serena said.

Olivia crinkled her brow. "Then what does?"

Serena paused for a few seconds to collect her thoughts. "I think the Alex we know and love is still there, but tonight I saw an Alex surfacing that I'm unfamiliar with and frankly, I don't know what to make of it. Somehow I think this new Alex is going to take over and the old one is in danger of being buried for good. It's like she's so afraid of losing control that she'll compromise herself even more in ways she's never done before."

"So you think she's slipping away?" Olivia asked worriedly.

"Yeah, I do. And I think Robert is only going to aid in that," she responded with a sigh. "But I can't talk to Alex about it."

"Tell me about it. She just defends him. I told her that he gave off bad vibes and she accused me of not liking him just because she's dating him."

"I wish we could get through to her," Serena said. "She's making a big mistake with him."

"How do you save someone from themselves?" Olivia asked.

* * *

"What are you doing here?" Alex demanded.

Olivia was stunned at Alex's disheveled appearance. It was just like Serena had said; she did look pretty fragile. Her pallor was ashen and she looked like she hadn't slept for days. "Well…I came to apologize—not about Zoe, but for the harsh words I exchanged with you."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Of course you'd add the disclaimer in there about _her_."

"Are you ok?" Olivia asked gently.

"I'm surprised you still care," Alex mumbled bitterly.

_Keep your cool_, Olivia told herself. She didn't want to cause another panic attack. "Of course I do."

Alex just stared at her. She wanted to believe her, she really did, but at the moment she didn't know what to believe.

"May I come in?" Olivia asked.

Alex moved aside. "If you want."

The walk to the living room was done in silence. They sat down on the sofa. "So I take it Serena paid you a visit?" Alex asked.

Olivia clasped her hands in her lap. "Yeah."

"Well, just in case you're wondering, I didn't tell her to."

"I know," Olivia replied. "I want you to know that I certainly didn't mean for this to happen."

"Shit happens," Alex said.

"Are you ok?" she asked again.

"Yes," Alex replied impatiently. She was beginning to get tired of Serena and Olivia fussing over her like she'd had a heart attack or something equally serious.

Olivia decided to brush off the irritation in Alex's voice. "I'm just worried, that's all."

"I'm sure you have Zoe to calm those worries," Alex snapped without thinking.

Olivia gritted her teeth. _Don't say anything mean_, she silently coached herself. She stared at Alex a few seconds before responding, "Let's not talk about her."

"Why not? You certainly seemed all too eager to talk about her earlier tonight!"

Olivia took a deep breath. "Don't upset yourself anymore."

Alex jumped to her feet. "How can I not get upset whenever I think about the two of you together?"

Olivia stretched her hands out to her. "Alex, just take it easy…"

"I'm not some fucking china doll!" Alex screamed. "I had _one_ panic attack!"

"No one said you were," Olivia said, a hint of irritation in her own voice now. "But you don't wanna bring on another."

Softening somewhat, she flopped back down on the couch. "I'll be fine. I just…I don't know what I need to do."

"Just relax," Olivia said, rubbing her knee. She was surprised when Alex made no move to stop her.

Several minutes of silence passed. Olivia was shocked when Alex suddenly asked, "Does she make you happy?"

_Damn, right back to Zoe_, Olivia thought exasperatedly. "She's fun," she answered.

That comment stung. "Do you think you'll ever want a relationship with her?" Alex pried.

Olivia sighed. "I…I don't know."

Alex was frustrated with the indecisiveness. "Well, does she want a relationship with you?"

Olivia had to fight to keep from rolling her eyes. "Listen, she recently lost her partner of 10 years; the last thing she wants is anything serious. But even if she wants to start casually dating to test the waters, it shouldn't matter to you. I was rereading the letter you wrote me a few months ago. You said you wanted me to find happiness and have someone who would love me. So why does Zoe make you so upset? And what if another woman comes along who would give me those things?"

Alex cringed at the thought of yet _another_ woman in Olivia's life but she was secretly pleased that she hadn't destroyed the letter. "It's easier said than done. It's not that I don't want you to be happy. I do. I just wish I could bring you that. I don't mind someone else loving you as much as I mind you loving them," she replied honestly.

Olivia looked down at the floor for a few seconds before looking back up into Alex's eyes. "Alex, you still shouldn't let this get to you so much, especially not to the point that it makes you physically ill."

"It just kinda hit me outta left field. I didn't expect it to happen so soon."

"Have you eaten anything at all?" Olivia asked.

"Uh…I ate a sandwich several hours ago."

Olivia shook her head. "No wonder you look like you could fall over any minute. After that type of stress on your body, you need fuel." She stood up. "I'll go fix you something. Stay put. I don't want you overexerting yourself by moving around a lot."

"Olivia—" Alex started to protest.

"Stay," Olivia told her. "This isn't up for debate."

Alex knew not to argue with her at that point. She leaned back against the cushions and crossed her legs at the ankles as Olivia headed for the kitchen.

She returned a few minutes later with a bowl of soup and a glass of ginger ale. "They say chicken noodle soup warms the soul." She set the dinner tray carefully on her lap.

"Thank you," Alex said.

"Will that be enough?" Olivia asked. "I wanted to go light because I didn't know how much of an appetite you had; I just knew you needed to eat something."

Alex nodded. "It's fine. I appreciate it."

Olivia sat down beside her. "You're welcome."

As Alex ate her soup, she had to admit that it felt good to get something warm in her stomach. "I don't know if chicken noodle soup ever tasted this good before."

Olivia smiled. "Well, we tend to appreciate things more when something bad happens."

Alex wondered if her words had a double meaning, but she decided to shrug them off at the time. _No use in getting involved in another pointless argument_, she thought. "You're not having any?"

Olivia shook her head. "I ate at home already."

When she finished eating, Olivia took the dishes back to the kitchen, washed them, and then they went upstairs. Even though Alex found her hand on her back as they walked up the stairs slightly annoying, she also derived a certain comfort from knowing Olivia wanted to catch her should she fall.

Upon entering her bedroom, Olivia reached to untie her robe and said, "Come on, let's get you to bed."

Alex pushed her hand away. "I can dress myself!" she snapped. "Besides, you're the one who made the rule about not undressing in front of each other."

Olivia frowned. "I was only trying to help."

Alex sighed. "I know. I'm just a little edgy. I'm sorry."

"I understand," Olivia replied. She jerked her thumb in the direction of the door and said, "Hey, I'll give you a little privacy."

"Ok."

Olivia went into her own bedroom and looked around. Everything was as she had left it the last time she was in her apartment. She walked over to the window and contemplated what Serena had said. Even though she hated to admit it, she also noticed something different about Alex and she knew this was not the aftereffects of the panic attack. What she didn't know was whether it was temporary or permanent. All she could hope for was the former. It's not as if she hadn't ventured onto the path of self-destruction already, but Olivia felt a strange omen that this time Alex would become so lost that she couldn't find her way back.

She was still lost in her thoughts when Alex cleared her throat behind her. She turned around to face her and said, "I didn't realize you were standing there."

Alex shrugged. "I just got here." She walked up to her. "You looked pretty deep in thought."

Olivia flashed a smile. "I do that a lot, I guess."

Alex smiled. "Nothin' wrong with that."

Olivia followed her back to the master bedroom. She noticed the dorje that was still on the dresser. She picked it up and commented, "You still have it."

Alex turned to her. "Why wouldn't I? It's not like I'd throw out something you gave me."

Olivia sighed. "Never mind. Hey, I'm gonna use the bathroom. I'll be right back."

Alex nodded. "All right."

She went into the bathroom. She suppressed a gasp when she noticed the vomit in the toilet bowl and the specks here and there on the seat.

Alex suddenly remembered the state she'd left the bathroom in. She walked to the doorway and looked at her in embarrassment. "Sorry…I uh, forgot to flush."

Olivia just nodded. "It's ok." After flushing, she grabbed the sponge, pulled some disinfectant cleaner from the cabinets under the sink, and started scrubbing away.

"Oh, you don't have to—" Alex started.

"It's fine. I want to. You don't need to exhaust yourself any further tonight."

Alex gave a small smile; she felt good inside to see Olivia doing something so sweet for her. But she couldn't get caught up in those feelings because she knew they would only lead to disappointment sometime later. "I know it's pretty gross…"

Olivia chuckled. "Sweetie, after all the crime scenes I've seen over the years, this is nothing."

"Thank you," Alex said simply.

Once Olivia was done, she went over to the jacuzzi and drained the water. "Do you need anything from downstairs?"

Alex shook her head. "I just need to pass out. It's been a long day."

Olivia followed her out and turned out the lights. "Do you think you'll be ok by yourself?"

Although her heart wanted her to stay, her mind advised against it. "Yeah."

"Ok," Olivia said, putting her hands in her pockets. "Well, I guess I'll get going."

"I'll walk you out," Alex replied.

When they were downstairs, Olivia turned to her and said, "Have a good night. Take care of yourself."

Alex smiled. "Thanks. You, too." Olivia was almost to the elevator when Alex added, "Oh, and Liv?"

Olivia turned around. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry about our fight, too. And thanks for coming over."

Olivia smiled. "Isn't that what friends are for?"

Once the elevator doors had closed, Alex shut the door to her apartment and thought, _If only we were just friends, things would be so much easier._


	31. Stalemate

**Chapter 31: Stalemate**

Olivia lay in her bed late that night and thought about the events that had unfolded. The whole day had been so chaotic that she could barely wrap her mind around it. The only good things were arresting Tessa McKellen and Walter Inman for the murders of Vicky Riggs and Josie Post. But even that only temporarily took the edge off because a few hours later she was arguing with Alex in her office. As if that wasn't stressful enough, when she finally thought she could get some rest, Serena was knocking on her door to tell her about Alex's panic attack and then she was throwing herself back into the lion's den to see if she was all right. There just didn't seem to be enough hours in the day for the drama she constantly experienced.

She hadn't planned on her finding out about Zoe that way; actually, she hadn't planned on her finding out _at all_. She still cringed when she remembered how desperately Alex had tried to hold her composure and felt remorse for digging the knife in deeper. But even though she didn't want to admit it, a tiny part of her was glad that Alex was finally going through the pain she'd had to suffer for months. Luckily for her, Zoe didn't ask if they had ever been more than friends. Of course, she would've lied to protect Alex's cover but she was afraid her facial expressions could give her away. Elliot always knew when she was lying and she didn't want to take the chance that Zoe might be able to tell, too.

She certainly appreciated the freedom and laidback nature of their arrangement. There was no jealousy and lately, being with Zoe was the only way she could relax. The only downside was that she didn't think Alex would ever be ok with her, then again, she would never be ok with Robert either.

Things had been fine between them during Thanksgiving and up until their fight on New Year's Eve. She fondly remembered what a wonderful time they'd had during the Christmas holidays. Why couldn't things always be so mellow? Why did it always lead back to fights?

Neither of them was willing to give up what caused the other grief or to accept the other's choices. They'd just rather pretend to ignore the problems while hoping they would go away on their own. They were essentially at a stalemate, and she didn't see how their relationship would get any better—only worse.

She didn't want to abandon Alex, but she didn't know how much more strain their "friendship" could take. She knew in her heart that they needed time apart. However, she wanted to be especially careful in breaking the news because she didn't want to upset Alex so much that she ended up having another attack or anything more severe.

She smiled when she thought of her time spent with Zoe. She loved her company, the sex was great…but she didn't know where things would go. For now she was just having fun. She didn't currently have romantic feelings for her, but in all honesty, she hoped that she would. She wanted to care for someone other than Alex. She also wanted someone to care for her other than Alex.

She wanted to feel more than excitement from lust; she wanted to feel that giddy feeling of butterflies in her stomach when she saw her. Perhaps one day she would develop feelings for Zoe, but if she didn't, she wasn't going to try to force it. She knew all too well the results of trying to force herself to have feelings for someone just because she wanted to have them. She had spent several years trying to convince herself she had deeper feelings for men when it really was something else altogether—displacement. She didn't want to repeat that behavior with a woman just because she'd actually met someone within the scope of her sexuality.

Turning over on her side, she closed her eyes. She was tired of thinking and just wanted to forget about everything. She decided she'd stop by Serena's the next evening and get her opinion on what to do about Alex, but for now sleep would be her refuge.

* * *

"Well, now it's you who pays me a visit," Serena said, moving aside to let her in. "Alex ok?"

"I haven't talked to her since last night," Olivia responded. "I'm here because I need your advice."

Serena motioned for her to take a seat. "About what?"

"The state of things with Alex."

Serena wrinkled her forehead. "Did things get worse?"

"No…Alex was a little tense but I left on a good note."

"You didn't stay the night?"

"No. I offered but Alex didn't want me to."

"So if things were good when you left, why are you worried?" Serena asked.

"Because it feels like the calm before another storm. Things are ok now, but we'd probably end up arguing again later in the week. This whole thing just seems toxic at the moment," Olivia told her. "It's like we're walking on eggshells."

"I see what you mean," Serena replied, nodding.

"I don't want to leave Alex out in the cold, but…"

"It's ok. I understand you need your distance. Do you want me to tell her?"

Olivia shook her head. "It would be best if I did it. I just wanted to get your advice on how."

Serena took a sip from her glass of water. "Well…you could always use the 'firm but gentle' approach. Ask her how she's doing first and then tell her what's on your mind. Be careful of your words so she doesn't think you're blaming her. You're not going there to pick a fight."

"As much as I hate the fact that she's dating a guy, I just don't want her to be alone in all this. Thanksgiving night she told me she needed an ally. "

Serena leaned forward to squeeze her knee in reassurance. "She won't be."

Olivia smiled. "She's lucky to have you as a friend."

"Well, I sympathize with the position you're in. It's easier being just a friend as opposed to being in love with her."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"So when are you going to do it?"

Olivia sighed. "Probably tomorrow night after I get off. Figure I'd give her another day to get herself together."

"Makes sense," Serena agreed. She slapped her hand to her forehead and continued, "I'm sorry. I'm being a terrible hostess. May I offer you anything to eat or drink?"

Olivia shook her head and got up. "That's ok. I have to meet Elliot for dinner in a bit anyway."

Serena stood to see her out. "Ok. Good luck. You know…we should hang out sometime."

Olivia nodded. "That'd be great. Maybe we can talk about something other than Alex."

She laughed. "Yeah."

At the door, Olivia turned around. "Take care of her, will ya?" she said, touching Serena's arm and walking out her apartment.

* * *

The following evening Olivia went to Alex's apartment building. She flashed her badge to the doorman and concierge and then called the elevator. On the ride up, she tried to quell her nervousness.

The doorbell rang and Alex hurriedly wrapped a towel around herself. "Geez, why is he here so early?" she muttered in annoyance. She jogged down the stairs and looked through the peephole. When she saw that it wasn't Robert but Olivia, her heart started to race. _What could she want? To see if I'm still ok?_ she thought. She took a deep breath and unlocked the door.

Olivia smiled at her. Looking her up and down, she joked, "Nice dress."

Alex couldn't help but grin. She felt a flush of arousal at her appreciative gaze. "Sorry about the attire."

"Oh, don't be. A little skin never hurt anyone," she replied, following Alex to the den. She suppressed a slight shiver as she noticed the droplets of water falling from the ends of her hair onto her towel. "Are you in a rush? I could just come back later."

"No, I have plenty of time," Alex assured her with a wave of her hand.

"How are you feeling?" Olivia inquired.

"I'm good." She sat down on the sofa. "What's up?"

Olivia moved a cushion and sat down next to her. "I thought we should talk."

Alex was a little nervous to hear her say that. "Ok. Talk away."

Olivia paused for a few seconds before taking the plunge. "Alex…I know we agreed to be friends and I'd still like that in the future at some point, but I think right now it would be good for both of us if we took a little break."

Even though she had entertained thoughts of pulling away herself, it still came as a hurtful shock to her. She looked down and clasped her hands in her lap so Olivia wouldn't see the pain in her eyes. "Um…how long have you been thinking of this?" she asked softly.

Olivia gently lifted her chin and turned her head to meet her eyes. "Let's not hide from each other, ok?"

Alex forced a smile and nodded. "How long?" she asked again. "It's ok to tell me. I'm fine."

Olivia sighed. "After I got home the other night. Listen, I really do enjoy spending time with you and these past few months have been magical…at times. But all our fights are the result of outside forces—whether it's homophobia or Jim or Robert or Zoe. And even though we're perfectly fine without those forces, I know it's not so easy to get rid of them."

Alex realized that she was right. This was exactly what she had feared when she'd first returned to New York. She had initially contemplated not getting back in a relationship with her because she didn't want external forces to split them again. However, that's all that had been happening on and off ever since July. "I know this is my fault. And to think that exactly a month ago it was Christmas and we were doing so well."

Olivia rubbed her back. "We're both at fault. There were harsh words we exchanged that only made things worse. If things continue to escalate, I feel that we're both going to irreparably damage our relationship."

Alex nodded again. "It does seem like we go through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. We're ok for a short while then we're screaming at each other."

"And the cycle continues," Olivia added.

Alex forced down her tears. "If only love really did conquer all."

Olivia forced down hers, too and squeezed Alex's hand. "Maybe it does—just not until a certain point in time. I'd like to think that this isn't the end of us; our time for victory just has yet to come."

Alex smiled and hoped with everything in her being that that was true. "That's a good way to look at it."

Olivia looked at her watch. "I guess I should go." She started to get up when Alex grabbed her wrist.

"Gonna leave without a hug?" she asked in a shaky voice.

Olivia looked into her eyes and saw the tears that had started to pool up. No matter how hard she tried, her own tears started to surface as well. "Wouldn't think of it," she said quietly, trying to put on a brave face. She leaned in and as she wrapped her arms around Alex, she felt an identical pair of arms embrace her. For the longest time they just held each other, resting their chins on the other's shoulder as if they never wanted to let go.

They pulled back and looked into each other's eyes for a moment. Slowly and imperceptibly they leaned in and before they knew it, their eyes were closed and their lips were touching. Soft and full, eager and warm, they overlapped again and again. Their hands found their way to the other's hair and through their parted lips, their tongues slipped inside to capture the taste of each other. The sweetness of the kiss spread from their mouths to every molecule in their bodies, and for those short moments they felt like they were complete again.

When they separated, they just smiled. Olivia noticed a sparkle in Alex's eyes that hadn't been there when she arrived. After affectionately brushing a damp lock of hair back from her face, she stood up and exited the room.

Neither of them said "goodbye," for they knew that wasn't.

Alex's lips were still tingling after Olivia left. She cautiously brought her fingers to them as if she was afraid that it had all been a dream and that if she moved too suddenly, she would wake up. During their kiss, she had felt a unique warmth inside her that she was sure she wouldn't feel for quite some time. It was as if her tide had been turned back—if only for a bit. Now she was floating in the sea like an iceberg, following a new tide without knowing where it would take her.

When she stood up from the sofa to get ready for her evening with Robert, her legs were wobbly. As she walked up the stairs, she remembered a quote she had heard: "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away." With that kiss, she'd experienced a lifetime, and she didn't know when she'd live again.


	32. Novaya Model

**Chapter 32: Novaya Model (New Model)**

"That was such a magnificent dinner," Robert said, removing her coat and hanging it in the closet. "I've always fancied that restaurant."

Alex chuckled. "If only the climate were a little warmer to match."

He brushed some hair behind her ear. "We created our own atmosphere anyway."

She smiled at him. "I guess we did." She took off her heels. "I'm exhausted."

Robert swept her up in his arms and started to ascend the staircase. "I'll gladly make the journey for you."

Alex blushed. The gesture reminded her of the many times Olivia had picked her up in her arms and carried her upstairs. She was so lost in her thoughts that she almost didn't notice when he put her back on her feet.

He put a hand on her back to steady her. "You ok, sweetie?"

She flashed him a smile. "Yeah. I just felt a little lightheaded."

He regarded her with concern. "Do you want me to get something for you?"

She shook her head and removed her bracelet. "No, I'm fine now."

Robert took off his suit jacket and began, "Listen…there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."

Alex placed her bracelet and earrings in her jewelry armoire and then turned to face him. "Oh, really? What's that?"

He sat down on the bed. "Well, I think maybe it's time we took the next step in our relationship."

Alex kept her face expressionless, although inside her heart was pounding. _Oh fuck_, she thought. "What do you mean?"

"How about we move in together?"

She turned back to the dresser. Gripping the edge, she gave an awkward laugh and looked at him through the mirror. "You don't think it's too soon?"

He stood up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. "I don't place a waiting period on happiness. I know we've only been dating a few months, but I feel like it's the right time. Besides, it seems like I've known you forever." He gave her a kiss on her ear and started to rub her upper arms.

"How long have you been thinking about this?" she asked.

"A few days," he answered. "We don't get to see each other as much as I'd like, so it will be easier this way."

"I see what you mean. Uh, it's just…it came as a shock…" she fumbled.

"Perhaps we should look at some places together to make the idea more tangible," he suggested. When he still saw her uncertainty, he added, "No commitment, just a 'look before you leap' type deal. Doesn't hurt to be prepared, does it?" He took the pins out of her bun and softly caressed her hair as it fell over her shoulders.

Alex closed her eyes briefly. Olivia had done the same motion many times. She saw her standing behind her, kissing her neck tenderly as she played with her hair. She felt her breath in her ear, warm and soft as she whispered, "I love you."

"What are you thinking, gorgeous?" Robert asked, abruptly piercing her thoughts. He unzipped the back of her dress.

Alex's eyes flew open and the image vanished. "Just about what you said."

"From that smile on your face a couple seconds ago, should I take it as a good sign?" he asked with a chuckle.

Alex hadn't even realized she'd been smiling. She turned around to face him. "I…I'll have to think about it."

"Take all the time you need, sweetie," he replied, kissing her forehead. "If you decide you don't want to, I'll understand."

Alex was touched at his patience and consideration. _He really is a sweet guy_, she thought. Even though he wasn't a woman, she was convinced he would always treat her well. Placing a hand on his cheek, she said, "Thank you."

He put his hand over hers. "You don't have to thank me. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I love you, Alex."

She jumped a little in her skin. This was the first time he'd ever told her he loved her, and it did feel good to be loved. Besides, if he kept being as wonderful as he had been, she didn't see why she couldn't grow to love him in some way, even if that love didn't stem from her heart. When Olivia had told her about the older man she dated in high school, she said that she loved him because she had romanticized things she liked about him. The love she had for him wasn't naturally romantic, but it was manufactured mentally based on an illusion. She only came to realize that years after the fact. _Maybe that's what I'm doing_, Alex thought. _But why should it matter if he'd never know the difference? Love doesn't have to be romantic._

He looked down at her with a gentle smile, silently expecting her to return the sentiment. So she gave him what he wanted. "I love you, too," she lied, closing her eyes and gently brushing his lips.

Robert pulled her closer and deepened the kiss. Afterward, he replied, "I know. I can see it in the way you look at me."

_Really? Maybe I'm doing a better job at this than I thought._ She smiled at him and said, "I'm gonna take a shower. Are you staying over again?"

"If it's ok with you," he answered.

"Of course it is," she replied, draping her arms across his shoulders. She gave him another kiss and started walking to the bathroom. When she was at the entryway, she looked over her shoulder and said slyly, "Keep the bed warm for me."

Robert grinned. "Oh, don't worry. I certainly will."

Once she was settled in bed next to him, he wrapped his arms around her and said, "You know, I've been worried about you."

"Why is that?" Alex asked.

"Last night you were crying in your sleep."

Alex froze up. She was glad her back was turned to him so he couldn't see the panic on her face. "Did I say anything?" she asked, suddenly afraid.

"No, you just mumbled a few words I couldn't make out."

"Uh…I guess I was just having a nightmare," Alex said. "I'm sorry if it bothered you." _Geez, you've got to get a grip_, she scolded herself_._

"It didn't at all," Robert assured her. "I just want to make sure you're ok. I know you're a strong woman, but even the strongest need a little TLC from time to time."

"I will be. I just get them sometimes."

Robert nodded. "I understand. But you don't ever have to be frightened when I'm around."

Alex smiled, but somehow those words coming from him just didn't carry as much weight. "Night."

"Goodnight, sweetheart," he responded, giving her a final kiss on the cheek.

Long after he had fallen asleep, she stayed awake and reflected. Was her heartache that bad that it was invading her dreams? She had to end this. The last thing she wanted to do was slip and say Olivia's name in her sleep. So how could she make it all stop? How could she find a way to effectively control her emotions again? Why was she always relapsing?

As Robert held her in his arms, she thought of the strength of Olivia's arms—their warmth, their comfort, their security. She remembered the way Olivia would nuzzle her face in the crook of her neck, how she would run her fingers through her brown locks as she slept, how Olivia would sometimes awaken with a lopsided smile and ask her what she was still doing awake…

_Olivia_. It all came back to her. Here she was trying to think of ways to circumvent thoughts of her but doing nothing but thinking of her. She sighed in vain. She had previously thought that knowing she was with Zoe would deter thoughts of her because she didn't want to be reminded of their connection. But at the moment that wasn't helping at all.

Even though she was still hurting over their talk earlier that evening, she knew that staying away from Olivia was for the best. She felt better that it was a mutual decision, though. The reason it had been almost impossible to stay away from her months before was because she knew she was available. She could entertain thoughts that she was really waiting for her and that always gave her hope. But now that she knew those things no longer held true, it seemed easier. She hadn't wanted to believe it earlier, but she knew deep down that they could never be "just friends."

If she had never fallen in love with her, it would have been much simpler to live a lie in regards to her sexual orientation. Although it was the very thing preventing her from moving forward, the truth was that part of her didn't want to completely let go of her feelings for Olivia. She just wanted to make it easier where she didn't think of them or when she did, it was sparingly. She had to find a way to lock Olivia in a corner of her mind where she no longer posed a threat, and her current conditions were not the most conducive environment to accomplish that goal.

Her entire apartment was surrounded with the essence of her. Even though she wasn't physically there, she would always be _there_ no matter how much she hid things that reminded her of her. She had even given Olivia her own bedroom in her apartment, and several times she'd slept in her bed when she missed her. Maybe what she needed was a complete change of scenery, a place filled with new memories and new dreams. Living with Robert would limit her temptation of wanting her because she wouldn't have a constant reminder everywhere she turned. She had already taken the first step in moving on with her life by dating him, so perhaps this second step would be more effective.

Furthermore, if she was going to make this work with him, she knew she would have to completely remodel her inner self to match her exterior so that they were virtually indistinguishable. She could no longer settle for having two personas. That would mean doing things she'd never done, liking things she'd never liked, wanting things she'd never wanted. She would have to embrace only those values that fell in line with her career and forgo all others. At first it would be a conscious effort but she knew that over time it would become second nature. As they say, practice makes perfect. Aside from her love for Olivia, she'd already felt herself dissociating more and more from who she really was anyway, so she might as well aid the process.

She remembered when she had first broken up with her after Donnelly had seen them kissing the previous night. Olivia had pointed her finger to her heart and told her that no matter what, she couldn't change what was on the inside. _People do change_, she thought to the contrary. In fact, she knew she wasn't the same after her return to New York and that she would never again be the Alex Cabot she was before her shooting. Her behavior was still the same in many areas before and after; however, her motivations were altered.

Over the past several months, she had been in a constant battle between preserving her character and allowing the modifications to it to run their course. She had tried to find a happy medium but had learned the hard way that that wasn't possible. When she was in witness protection, she'd kept Alex Cabot buried deep inside. She didn't get to choose to reveal her true identity to some and her new identity to others. So why should it be any different now? In the program she had to obtain a new identity for survival. She felt that she was now doing it for survival, too, except this time it was for her emotional wellbeing instead of physical. She just hoped that she would like the new person she became.

* * *

She continued to ponder the situation over the next few days. With the loss of almost two years of her life, she had felt a nagging feeling that she needed to make up for lost time. With her career fastforwarded, she decided that she also needed to fastforward her personal life to match. She came to the conclusion that it might not be a bad idea to move in with him as long as she still kept her own place. That way if it didn't work out, she wouldn't be left out in the cold.

Part of her felt like she was making a snap judgment, but another part of her thought she was ready. If she really planned to move her life forward, she couldn't keep clinging to the past. She had tried to do this before but it had proven to be unsuccessful since she had succumbed to what her heart wanted the minute Olivia set foot in her apartment.

It's not as if she actually thought she could change her sexual orientation. Several years ago, she was naïve enough to think that she could. But when she finally realized that wasn't going to happen, she decided she would just control it. Now for the past few months it had been controlling her because even though she was with a guy, she had been finding every way she could to be with a woman under the guise of friendship.

She had told Serena once that sexuality was only a small part of who a person was. She knew she could no longer just act as if that were true, she would have to _believe_ it. She would have to control her sexuality in every aspect of her personal life—beyond just sleeping with and dating a guy—so that it became practically a non-issue.

What time she didn't spend working would have to be spent completely immersing herself in her new life. If she focused on doing that, old habits and thoughts would almost seem nonexistent.

After taking a deep breath, she picked up the phone and dialed Robert's number. "Let's do it."


	33. A House Is Not a Home

**Chapter 33: A House Is Not a Home**

Alex came home to their new apartment and was stunned to see the furniture. _This isn't what we agreed upon_, she thought.

"Robert," she called out, setting her briefcase down on the coffee table. Her voice echoed throughout the vast apartment. When he didn't answer her, she assumed that he hadn't gotten home yet.

She was livid. She tried to calm down and tell herself that maybe it was a simple mix-up on the store's end. _Robert wouldn't deliberately choose another set of furniture, would he?_ Even the draperies were another color. They were taupe instead of the light blue they'd chosen.

As she walked from the living room to the other rooms of the two-story apartment, she noticed the same thing. Every piece of furniture was different from what they had picked out together—from the dining room set to the bedroom suites.

"I can't believe this!" she exclaimed. She walked back to the master bedroom and started to unpack the wardrobe boxes. As she hung her clothes up in one of the walk-in closets, she tried to think about how she would broach the subject with him.

Within 45 minutes, she would have her chance. "Honey, you home?" Robert's voice boomed from downstairs.

Alex pushed a box out of the way and made her way down the spiral staircase. He was standing next to the marble island in the kitchen and drinking a glass of water. "Sweetie," she began, "why wasn't the furniture we picked out delivered?"

Robert put his glass down and gave her a suave smile. "Oh, well, I made a change of plans at the last minute. It just seemed like this fit in much better with the surroundings here."

"Shouldn't you have consulted me?" she asked.

"Well…I figured you were busy at work and I didn't want to call and bug you over something so trivial. Besides, we have the same tastes, so I didn't think you'd mind a change."

Alex was disappointed that he would think that a mutual decision they had made could so easily be written off as something "trivial." After all, they both had to live in the apartment. "I do like the traditional look but I thought we both liked the modern décor better."

Robert shrugged. "I went back and forth, but I finally decided that the traditional look was more elegant and appropriate for entertaining important guests."

"I thought this apartment was for _us_," Alex said through gritted teeth. She was even more annoyed by his nonchalant attitude.

"Of course it is, dear," he replied. "But we want to make a good impression, do we not?"

_Is that all you care about?_ she wanted to ask. But she didn't want to incite an argument, so she just decided to let it drop. However, she mentally kicked herself because she knew that the old Alex would've made him return every piece of furniture and get what they had both chosen. "I suppose. When should we have a housewarming party?"

"Next weekend sounds nice," Robert replied. "We'll get the RSVPs out. Be sure to invite Olivia."

Alex's heart did a flip inside her chest. "What?"

Robert gave her an amused look. "The nice detective you introduced to me? She's a close friend, isn't she?"

"Yes…" Alex began hesitantly. "I'll send her an invite, but I don't know if she'll be able to make it. She often gets caught up on cases and sometimes works all night." However, she really had no intention of doing anything of the sort.

"I understand. But I really hope she can make it. Any friend of yours is a friend of mine."

Alex gave a soft laugh. _I'm not so sure about that_, she thought. Changing the subject, she said, "Well, let's first worry about where we'll eat dinner tonight. Then we need to pick up groceries on the way back here."

"Sounds good to me," Robert agreed. He wrapped his arms around her waist and softly kissed her lips. "And I can't wait to try out our new bed."

Alex was less than excited but smiled at him nonetheless. "Then we should get a move on," she replied, pulling back from him and going to get her coat and purse.

"I'll call our driver," Robert said, proud that he could refer to Stefan as their collective driver now. "Oh, and honey…"

Alex turned around. "Yes?"

He walked up to her. "Since we're living together, I think we should ride to work together."

"But I have my car," Alex replied. "And I don't mind taking the subway or a taxi either. Besides, we don't always go into work at the same time."

"No need for that anymore," Robert said with a smile. "You'll always have a driver, even when we're not together."

_Is he being controlling or just protective?_ Alex asked herself. Again, she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. "Ok," she responded, lightly touching his arm. Still, she had an unsettling feeling inside her, but she brushed it off as a result of her anger about the furniture instead of something deeper. However, in the back of her mind she wondered how many more decisions he'd try to make for her as time passed. _Have I bitten off more than I can chew?_

* * *

"Good?" Alex asked as she watched Serena devour her shrimp canapé.

Serena nodded and patted the side of her mouth with her napkin. "Delicious."

Alex smiled. "Glad you think so. How do you like the place?" she inquired nervously.

"It's um…big," Serena commented, glancing around and taking a sip from her glass of wine. "It gives 'luxury' a whole new meaning. And the views of the city are breathtaking. You're in one of the best high-rises in Manhattan."

"Thanks," Alex replied.

"Although I have to admit I was a bit surprised when you told me you'd moved in," she continued. "You don't think it's too soon?"

"Believe me, Serena…I thought the same thing when he asked. But in the end I decided I had nothing to lose," Alex answered.

"Sure about that?" Serena asked, raising an eyebrow.

Before Alex could answer, Robert came over to join them. He put a hand on Serena's back and greeted, "Welcome to our humble abode. Enjoying yourself?"

_Humble? This guy wouldn't know humble if it hit him in the face_, Serena thought. She politely smiled. "Yes, thank you for inviting me."

"Our pleasure. There's plenty of food and drink, so don't be shy," he replied.

"I'll keep that in mind," Serena responded.

"Well, I'm off to socialize with some of the other guests," Robert said, winking at Alex and taking his leave.

"I like your place much better," Serena said when she was sure he was out of earshot.

_I do, too_, Alex thought. "Why?" she asked anyway.

"It actually looks like you can live in it instead of being a display mansion. You aren't planning on selling it, are you?"

"No, of course not. It has sentimental value."

"Because of your parents or Olivia?" Serena asked.

Although they both knew it was both, Alex sighed and answered, "Let's not talk about her. I'm trying to move on."

"From what? Yourself?"

Alex frowned. "I refuse to do this here." She took a glass of champagne off a passing waiter's tray and said, "I need to join Robert."

Serena continued to sip her wine as Alex returned to her spot at her boyfriend's side. She carefully observed them as they stood under one of the crystal candle chandeliers. To anyone else, Alex would've looked the picture of happiness—throwing her head back and laughing, clinging to Robert's arm, staring into his eyes like he was her knight in shining armor—but she knew differently.

Suddenly, her phone began ringing. It was her girlfriend Kay. "Hello?"

"Hey, sexy," Kay replied. "Sorry I'm running late; I got caught up with a client. But I should be there in ten minutes, ok?"

"Good!" Serena said, a smile curling her lips. "I need to be rescued anyway."

"You're not having fun?"

"Let's just say I don't think there are too many likeminded people here."

Kay laughed. "Well, what did you expect, sweetie? The Cabot-Shelton housewarming party isn't exactly the Isle of Lesbos."

Serena chuckled. "Ha, that's an understatement. Just hurry and get over here. This is almost as boring as a bar association gala—and just as pompous."

"You used to call me a snob," Kay reminded her playfully.

"You still are," Serena teased. "These types should be right up your alley since you happened to have one foot on Wall Street from the first day of law school."

"Well, you used to date a CPA, so it seems you love us snobs. And if I recall, _you_ summered with a firm on Wall Street."

"Oh, don't remind me. But I give you a pass since you're a sexy snob."

"Who sweeps you off your feet," Kay added.

"Since I'm taller, it would probably be the other way around."

"What are you doing next weekend?" Kay asked abruptly.

"That depends. Do you have an offer?"

"Actually, I do. I have a cabin upstate that is tired of being lonely. So what do ya say?"

Serena smiled. "I think a vacation sounds nice."

Kay grinned on her side of the line. "Now what was that crack about you sweeping _me_ off my feet again?"

"Sure know how to woo the ladies, Kay."

"But you're more than worth it," she replied.

After she got off the phone, Serena focused her attention on Alex once again. _Look at her. Making the rounds to greet her guests. She's the perfect society woman with the perfect society boyfriend. But she's not Alex_, she thought. She was sad to think that her suspicions of Alex morphing into someone new were confirmed. For her sake, all she could hope was that she wouldn't reach the point of no return.

* * *

Victor gave his sister a big hug. "I'm so happy for you two."

Julie smiled. "You know it's true love if you're moving in after a few months!"

Robert put his arm around Alex's waist. "What can I say? I'm head over heels."

Alex grinned. "Seems Robert was the one thing you were right about, Victor."

Victor smirked. "Have to be good for something, huh?"

"I love what you two have done with the place," Julie said. "It's beautiful."

"Thank you," Robert replied. "I like it much better than my own. I always thought of getting a place like this to share with my special someone."

"Well, I certainly wish you both the best," Victor said. He focused on Alex. "In any other circumstance, I'd think you were insane for moving in with a guy after only three months. But as you know, Robert Shelton is no ordinary guy."

Robert laughed. "Glad I can be the exception. But I can also say that Alexandra Cabot is no ordinary woman."

Alex blushed lightly at his flattery. "Thank you," she said, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

Victor and Julie grinned from ear to ear. "Come on, sweetie," Victor said, gently placing a hand at the small of his wife's back. "We don't wanna hog all their attention."

"I agree," Julie replied as they started walking away. "Besides, I think I have a craving for some foie gras."

Victor laughed. "Our son is going to be hooked on it."

"You mean our _daughter_," Julie said sternly.

Victor leaned down to kiss her. "Hey, who am I to argue with the mother?"

Julie linked her arm through his. "You're learning, Mr. Cabot."

* * *

Kay entered the room and scanned it for Serena. When she spotted her, she began making her way over to her. Heads turned as her heels clicked across the hardwood flooring and her dark brown hair bounced on her shoulders. "Hey, baby," she greeted, snugly wrapping her arms around her waist and capturing her lips.

Serena brushed a lock of hair out of Kay's face and replied, "Hey yourself."

Gasps and several whispers circulated around them. Alex's mouth dropped open in awe. She felt a twinge of jealousy at how fearless and comfortable they were.

Robert followed Alex's line of sight. "How distasteful," he muttered.

Alex shot him a warning look, which he missed. He continued, "They have no respect for our home."

"Robert—" she started to protest.

Luckily for him, two guests approached them. Alex plastered a smile on her face and played the role of ideal hostess.

Kay grabbed Serena's hand and led her over to the sofa. With a smug smile and steely eyes, she challenged her onlookers to say a word to them. People tore their eyes away and pretended to be deeply enthralled with whatever it was they were previously doing.

Serena smirked, although she loved the boldness of Kay's actions. "Trying to stir up trouble?"

"Like I give a shit what any of these morons think," Kay replied. Looking at Alex and Robert, she leaned over and whispered, "Alex gives me a gay vibe."

Serena laughed and tried not to spit out her wine. "Why do you think that?"

"I dunno…just a feeling, I guess. I've always had it about her. Besides, there doesn't seem to be any chemistry between them. The whole thing just seems to be for appearances on both their parts."

"You think Robert's gay, too?"

Kay laughed. "No. I just think it's the typical case of two affluent people dating because it looks 'perfect,' not because they really care that deeply for each other. It reminds me of the power couple setups at my firm."

Serena playfully rolled her eyes and crossed her legs. "You're such a skeptic."

Kay affectionately started rubbing her knee. "One who's often right."

As Robert became engaged in conversation, Alex looked at Serena and Kay again and felt her mind drifting. She imagined herself in Serena's place as Olivia rubbed her knee instead of Kay. She imagined walking into a room holding hands with Olivia without giving a damn what anyone else thought. Lastly, she imagined that instead of standing next to Robert, she was standing next to Olivia and entertaining guests at _their_ housewarming party.

Robert's voice brought her back to reality. "Maybe those two need a private room."

"I'll say," Peter Mason, one of his colleagues, answered.

His wife Sandy pursed her lips and shook her head in disgust. "Are those your friends?"

"Alex's," Robert answered quickly.

"They are both very successful lawyers," Alex explained, shocked that Robert was so quick to deflect the blame onto her to save face.

"I see," Sandy replied. "Well, I hope their sense of decorum in the courtroom is much better than it is at social affairs."

Alex gave her an icy smile. "Judging by their win-loss ratios, I'd say their courtroom decorum is spot on." She glanced at Peter and Robert and continued, "Excuse me."

"Sounds like you've got a feisty one," Peter said once she was out of earshot.

Robert watched Alex walk over to Serena and Kay. "I got her to move in with me, didn't I? Don't worry, I'll rein her in."

"Sure about that?" Peter teased.

Robert smiled. "I'm always up for a challenge."

* * *

Kay looked up and smiled at Alex. "Tired yet?"

Alex sat down across from them and replied, "Not quite."

"You have a beautiful place," she continued.

"Thank you," Alex responded. "I see that you two are enjoying yourselves."

"Can't help it when I'm around her," Serena said, placing her hand over Kay's.

Alex felt another strong twinge of jealousy. "I guess you have some plans for an afterparty," she joked.

Serena laughed. "I plead the fifth."

Kay kissed her cheek. "I don't." She observed Alex's reaction, which she noticed was not one of disgust but of intrigue. She also thought she saw a bit of longing in her eyes.

Alex smiled. "I think you make a striking couple."

Kay chuckled. "Why, thank you. I guess all those years of pursuing her finally paid off."

"You certainly have good taste," Alex replied. "Serena's a keeper."

Kay noticed the faraway look that had settled in her eyes. _Who's she thinking of?_ she wondered.

Alex again thought back to Olivia. She missed the closeness when they sat together, when they cuddled at night, when they kissed… She quickly blinked away the thoughts. _You have to stop giving in to what your heart wants_, she scolded herself. _Besides, you're a new woman now._ Like Pompeian lovers who were frozen in ash after the eruption of Vesuvius, the memories of being with Olivia would have to remain frozen in their respective time period. They absolutely could not keep traveling forward with her. She stood up and announced, "I should check with the wait staff. Have to make sure we have plenty of hors d'oeuvres left."

"See you around," Serena said.

"Thanks for having us," Kay added.

Alex gave her a bright, sincere smile. "It was nothing. You're welcome here anytime." Her eyes caught Serena's in a bit of guilt mixed with pride before she walked away.

"Yep, she's a total lesbian," Kay said after she had left.

Serena laughed. _Hmm, Alex is a lot more transparent than she thinks_, she thought. Still, she felt it her duty to keep her secret. "Oh come on, she is not."

Kay smiled at her. "I know she's your best friend, but everyone has their secrets."

"If she had any attraction to women, she would've told me."

"I was out for years before a close friend of mine told me she was a lesbian. Just because your friends are accepting of your life doesn't mean they are equally accepting of their own."

"You're not gonna let this theory go, are you?" Serena asked with a wicked grin.

"No amount of denials from you will convince me that woman is straight."

"Why? Because she didn't recoil in horror at seeing two women be affectionate with each other?"

"She looked like she wanted to join in," Kay commented.

"It's nice to dream, isn't it?" Serena said.

Kay gave her a look. "I could tell she was turned on."

"I'm sure you'd say that about a couple guys in this room," Serena retorted, enjoying their banter.

Kay rolled her eyes. "These prudes? Hardly." She took some beef Wellington offered to her by a waitress and nodded her thanks.

"Still, I think your gaydar may need a little retuning on Alex," Serena whispered, although the waitress had moved on to serve other guests.

"Her eyes came alive when she saw us together, Serena," she said matter-of-factly. "I rest my case."

"You're such a lawyer," Serena replied. "Although I don't think your experience with antitrust litigation can help you out much here."

Kay poked her thigh. "Hey, as I'm sure you know by now, I have many talents—both inside _and_ outside the letter of the law."

Serena shook her head and laughed. "Somehow I knew you'd say that."

* * *

On her way to the kitchen, Victor grabbed her arm and pulled her aside. "Hey, I hope you told Juliet and Juliet over there to take a breather."

Alex wrinkled her forehead. "What do you mean?"

"The two lesbians making a scene. I don't know why gay people always feel the need to shout it from the rooftops."

Alex glared at him. "One of those 'Juliets' is my best friend and I resent your prejudice against her. And for your info, they are no more shouting it from the rooftops than any straight couple here. Their affection for each other has been very tasteful."

"Well, if that's the case, you should be careful. Next she'll try to make a move on you and cause discord between you and Robert."

Alex laughed scornfully. "Do you know how paranoid you sound? She hasn't hit on me in all the years I've known her!"

"I'm just staying on the lookout. You should be careful of the rumors that having such an _open_ lesbian friend could create for you. Soon people will be saying you're in a secret relationship with her."

Alex rolled her eyes. "That is absurd."

"You're an attorney, Alex. I'm sure you know what guilt by association means."

Alex folded her arms. "I will not alienate my friends based on conjectures other people _might_ make."

"People don't care about the truth—only what appears to be. Besides, our family cannot afford a scandal like that."

Alex scoffed. "So that's what this really is about? Not my reputation, but _your_ reputation? Victor, maybe you're used to treating people like lepers, but I refuse to do that. And just because you set me up with Robert doesn't mean you get to make decisions in my life. Butt out," she ordered, angrily storming off.

Victor stood there dumbfounded. _What's gotten into her?_ he wondered.

* * *

After the final guests had left, Robert said, "You know, Alex…I have no problem with homosexuals, but I don't think your friend Serena was setting off a good image. Some of our guests informed me that they were uncomfortable with their displays of affection."

"You mean some of _your_ guests," Alex snapped.

Robert was surprised at her tone with him. "Alex, dear…"

"Serena and I have been friends a long time. I'm not going to do anything to make her feel unwelcome no matter what anyone thinks," she responded.

"I'm just saying—"

"What happened to 'a friend of yours is a friend of mine'?" Alex interrupted.

"Sweetheart, I have no contempt for her or her lady friend."

"Then stop singling her out," she ordered. He and Victor were certainly peas in a pod, and they were both getting on her last nerve. She looked at her watch. "I'm exhausted. I think I'll turn in."

Robert nodded regretfully. "I'll be up soon. Listen, I didn't mean to upset you."

"Night," was all she replied.

As she got ready for bed, she thought about the comments that had been made. She was disgusted that seemingly intelligent people could be so homophobic. She admired the courage that Serena and Kay had exhibited, but she wondered at what price that would come. Even though she'd brushed off Victor's warnings, part of her did question if their behavior would make people gossip about her. After entertaining the thought briefly, she forced it out of her head. In fact, she was ashamed of herself for even thinking that way. She had almost lost Serena once before and she certainly wasn't going to make the same mistake again. Only a true friend would stand by her side and go along with her whole charade, and she appreciated that she could always depend on her. Besides, she knew that as long as she was with Robert or another man, any rumors would be squashed before they even started.

After turning off the lights in the bathroom, she pulled back the covers and slipped into bed. She turned on her side and stared out the window. It wasn't her first time sleeping in their new bed so while she was comfortable, something was off. How could she share a new home with someone but yet feel so lonely? Starting a new life with Robert was supposed to fill the voids in her life in ways that other methods had failed. So why did she still feel so empty?


	34. Things Fall Apart

**Chapter 34: Things Fall Apart**

Over the next week and a half, Robert did more things to annoy her. She was seeing another side of him emerge that she hadn't seen before they moved in together. He would move things from where she'd put them, cut her off during conversation, hum to himself while she was reading over documents or trying to outline courses of action for the bureau. She also didn't like the condescending attitude he had with the housekeepers or the way he'd try to suggest what she wore to work or dinner.

When she'd try to civilly address her concerns, he would act like he had no idea what she was talking about or completely brush her complaints off. She would get mad and they'd end up arguing, then he'd do something sweet to pacify her and she'd grudgingly decide to let it drop. She couldn't believe it. They were having problems _that_ early.

As if she didn't have enough stress from Robert, her bureau had caught a case which hit close to home. Two college girls were vacationing in Costa Rica when they met members of a notorious drug cartel. Because they'd wanted to stay there longer, they'd agreed to smuggle cocaine out of the country in exchange for the dealers picking up their hotel tab and taking them to clubs. After consenting to be a drug mule, one of the girls had swallowed 12 condoms full of cocaine when one ruptured inside her and she started overdosing. Drug lord Lalo Escobar had ruthlessly cut open her stomach in an effort to retrieve his drugs. The other girl had managed to escape.

As could be expected, Alex was glad that she wasn't prosecuting the case, but she needed her ADAs to do everything possible to make sure Escobar was convicted. Little did she know, her world would be turned upside down before the week was over in a way that she never would've imagined.

* * *

"So how are we gonna get Kellner on the stand?" Alex asked, walking into the building that morning with deputy DA Mike Randolph.

"She saw her best friend gutted in the bathtub. Facing the killer in court's not gonna be so easy," he responded matter-of-factly.

"Arrest her," Alex ordered, throwing a hand up as if it was the most obvious course of action in the world.

"There's no proof she committed a crime," Mike protested.

"Find some. A couple nights in Rikers, she'll sing bel canto."

"But her song won't be so sweet if her credibility's shot to hell over some half-ass arrest," he argued.

"Fine. Do it your way, Mike. But get her on the stand. I've got the 8th floor all over me," Alex responded, turning to step into the elevator before the doors closed.

* * *

"You hear about that Ritchie girl?" Elliot asked Olivia that afternoon.

"Yeah. It's horrible what happened," she answered, not looking up from a file on her desk.

"A guy from Alex's bureau is prosecuting," he continued casually.

Olivia slowly lifted her head to gaze at him across her desk. "I know. Casey told me. Anyway, back to the Durning case. It seems like Casey has plenty of character witnesses so she can stall in court tomorrow. I hope it's enough because if Donnelly stops the trial, double jeopardy attaches. Waverly and Pratt will get away with Jennifer's murder."

"Yeah, it's a shame that Jason's grand jury testimony can't be read at trial because no one can prove he's been harmed." He began rapping his pen on his desk. "So…have you talked to Alex?" he asked, trying to redirect back to his initial topic.

"No. Why would I? You know I told you we decided to cool it for awhile."

"Cesar Velez, Lalo Escobar…am I the only one sensing a connection here?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Drop the sarcasm, Elliot. I know the similarities between the cases. But I'm confident she's got everything under control."

"I wasn't implying that she didn't, just that maybe a simple phone call to see how the case was going would be nice."

"They'll nail the bastard, I'm sure, so that question would be irrelevant. What's the worst that could happen?" Olivia asked.

Elliot shrugged. "You never know…"

* * *

The next evening, Alex and Robert were in their living room when her cell phone rang. "Cabot," she answered.

"God, Alex…oh God," Jim cried.

"What's wrong?" Alex demanded, standing up. "Everything ok?"

"Mike…it's Mike."

"What happened?" Alex asked, automatically fearing the worst.

"Shot…on Mott Street…"

Alex's heart started pounding. "Which hospital?"

"Bellevue. Please hurry, Alex," he pleaded. "It doesn't look good."

"I'll be there as soon as I can," she assured him, ending the call.

Feeling like the wind had been knocked out of her, she shakily lowered her hand. _This can't be happening!_ she thought.

"What's wrong, Alex?" Robert queried after seeing the blood drain from her face.

"Gotta go," she replied, picking up her keys.

He stood up and grabbed her arm. "Where are you going?"

She glared at him and yanked her arm out of his grasp, which sent both her cell phone and keys flying across the floor. "One of my deputy bureau chiefs has been shot. Do I need your permission to go to the hospital?" she asked nastily. She went to retrieve them and threw them in her handbag.

Robert was taken aback by her response. When he finally spoke again, he said, "I'm sorry. You want me to go with you?"

"No," Alex responded. Without another word or glance at him, she grabbed her coat and was out the door.

* * *

The following morning, Alex rushed into the break room with everyone else to catch the statement Arthur Branch was making on the news.

"ADA Mike Randolph was pronounced dead at 8:05 this morning," he said somberly. "Though we have no suspects in custody at the moment, let me assure you—let me promise you—that we will solve this case. This is a sad day for the city. Today we mourn the loss of a great lawyer and a wonderful friend. Mike Randolph was a man of profound integrity…"

Alex shook her head and pushed her way through the small crowd. She couldn't bear to listen to anymore of it because the reminders of her own tragedy cut too deeply.

"… who served his community proudly for the last 20 years. He devoted his life to fighting crime, and now he has paid the ultimate price. This murder was a brazen, cold-blooded execution."

Jim squeezed Jessica's shoulder in comfort and followed Alex. With a knock on her door, he asked, "Hey, did you talk to the 8th floor?"

Alex kept her eyes on her legal pad. She had to stay in control. Flipping over a piece of loose paper, she said, "Uh, Branch wants to proceed with the trial. A show of strength. All that."

"Let me guess. His boy Jack Berwyn's taking over."

Alex looked up. "Well, I told Arthur that you—"

"I worked with Randolph for 10 years, okay?" Jim said, cutting her off. "I was an usher at his wedding. No one living knows this case better than I do."

"Which is why I convinced Branch to give it to _you_," Alex retorted, fixing him with her gaze.

Jim looked surprised. "So it's mine?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes."

Jim paused for a moment, slightly embarrassed that he had jumped the gun. "Great," he said, nodding to save face and starting to walk away.

"Don't disappoint me," Alex warned.

"I think you know me better than that," he replied, closing her door.

Alex was glad that she was finally alone again. She was annoyed that Jim had abrasively and insolently jumped to conclusions before letting her finish telling him about Branch's decision. One thing she couldn't stand was a man interrupting her. Furthermore, she was still angry and shaken up by the announcement of Mike's death, but she was determined not to let it make her lose her focus. With every inch of her being, she would keep her emotions in check. Nonetheless, a part of her was stunned that Jim hadn't even asked her if she was ok. It seemed like the only thing he cared about was getting charge of the case. Of course, she would've assured him she'd be fine, but the concern alone would have been appreciated.

She knew she had to prove herself. This was the ultimate test of whether or not she would be capable of running the bureau flawlessly even in the absolute worst of circumstances. Escobar had ordered the hit on Mike in the same way that Velez had ordered the hit on her, and she knew all eyes would be on her. She didn't want Branch or anyone else in the office to think that she was too emotionally attached to situation to make astute decisions.

Although she had convinced Branch to give the case to Jim, it hadn't been a selfless act. She had been more than happy to do it and it was a huge relief to her that Jim had wanted it. She did not want to take on the responsibility of having to prosecute Mike's case for fear that Escobar would come after her and her family. She also did not want to give Escobar's lawyer the ammunition to say that she had the strongest agenda since the shooting so closely mirrored her own experience.

Her throat had become parched. She went over to her refrigerator and took out a bottle of water. As the cool liquid traveled down her throat, she prepared to put on her armor of confidence to get through the rest of what she knew would be a strenuous day.

* * *

Meanwhile at the 16th precinct, they had all gathered around a TV as well. Upon hearing that Mike was dead, a bitter taste hit the back of Olivia's mouth. The first thing that came to mind was the statement Arthur had made the day after Alex was shot. Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat. She had been dreading hearing her death announced on the news, and when it came it just ripped open new wounds.

Elliot spared a glance at her. He'd seen her face fall at the beginning of the broadcast and now she looked like someone had punched her in the stomach.

After Arthur finished speaking, Olivia walked through the squadroom and out to the hall. Elliot followed her and gently touched her arm. "Hey…"

Olivia turned to face him. "I'm fine," she said quickly.

"This is me you're talkin' to," he responded softly.

Olivia shook her head and blinked back tears. Even though Serena had told her that Alex had gotten a new place with Robert, she didn't let her anger override her compassion. "I need to talk to her. I should've listened to you. What if she'd been prosecuting the case? Then that would've been her dead—_for real_ this time—and I would've missed out on the last chance to hear her voice."

Elliot rubbed her shoulder. "You can't beat yourself up about this."

"I can't imagine what she's going through right now. To have one of her own ADAs murdered in a way she almost was has to be incredibly hard for her to stomach, especially since she hasn't even been out of Witness Protection a year. I'm afraid this is gonna undo all the progress she's made so far in healing from this."

"I hope not," Elliot said. "But you can't start thinking of worst case scenarios. Stay positive."

"I need to talk to her," Olivia repeated.

"Well, she's probably being bombarded right now. Everyone goes into overdrive when a DA is murdered. Why don't you take a little while to calm your nerves and then try to contact her later?"

Olivia nodded. She decided to change the subject. "You think there's still a chance Jason will turn up alive?"

"Doesn't look good."

"God, what a mess," Olivia said with a sigh.

Elliot put some coins in the drink machine and handed her a soda. "Here."

"Thanks," Olivia said, popping open the can. She ran a hand through her hair. "When one thing goes wrong, everything seems to fall apart."

"Gotta love the irony of life," he muttered.

* * *

After Alex left the office, she didn't return to her apartment with Robert. She wanted to be home—her home.

She went into the kitchen and put on a kettle for tea. Then she took a cup out of a cabinet and stood with her back to the bar. As she waited for the tea to brew, she thought about Jessica's account of what had happened. She and the new ADA, Nick Potter, had been meeting Mike for dinner in Chinatown to discuss the case when gunshots pierced the air. Jessica had been very fond of Mike and Alex remembered how distraught she was over his death. He had been a great mentor to her and also Jim's best friend. One of the greatest qualities about him was his compassion, and that's why everyone loved him. He'd greet victims' families with a hug and he never wanted to push a victim too hard just to win a case. He treated people like people, yet he was shot down like an animal.

As she thought of Mike lying there fighting for his life on that cold street, her mind flashed back to her own near demise.

"_Get you a cab?" Elliot asked as the three of them exited Caffé Taci._

"_No, I'm not far. I'll walk," Alex insisted. "Thanks, though." She looked around Elliot to Olivia and said, "Look, I'm sorry I'm such a buzz kill."_

"_Oh, don't be silly," Olivia responded. "It's late."_

_Just at that moment, a black SUV drove up beside them. Alex turned her head to find herself looking down the barrel of a gun. Before she could utter a sound, she could feel the bullet penetrating her shoulder and her body hitting the sidewalk. Her blood gushed out of her, the warm, sticky liquid painting her skin with the brush of death._

The cup dropped from her hands and the sound of the porcelain shattering everywhere snapped her back to the present. The scent of gunpowder had seemed to permeate the kitchen. She cautiously brought a hand to her shoulder and was surprised that there was no blood. She looked to the floor as if she half-expected to see her blood on it instead of the broken shards of the cup. The experience had been so vivid that she was sure it had been happening all over again.

Taking several deep breaths to stop her hands from shaking, she began cleaning up the pieces. She had almost finished when the doorbell rang. _Shit, can't he take a hint?_ she thought in annoyance. The last person she wanted to deal with was Robert, no matter how supportive he was. She had already told him she just needed some time to herself, so why couldn't he respect that? She wiped her hands on a dishtowel and headed for the door. When she opened it, her jaw dropped.

Standing there, a look of deep concern on her face, was Olivia. "Hi," she said softly. "How ya holdin' up?"

Alex forced a smile. "I'm fine. How did you know I was here?" After she'd said that, she mentally kicked herself. The last thing she wanted to do was explain to her that she now lived with Robert.

"Just a hunch," Olivia replied.

Alex searched her eyes and realized that she already knew. Part of her was relieved, but another part of her was afraid that she would confront her about it. The last thing she needed was a fight.

As if she could read her mind, Olivia assured her, "Listen…I'm not here to interrogate you. I know we agreed to take a break for a little while, but I thought these were extenuating circumstances. If you want to be alone, just tell me and I'll go."

Alex shook her head quickly and moved aside to let her in. "No…come on in."

The shrill whistle of the teapot pierced the air. Alex closed and locked the door and then made her way to the kitchen. As Olivia followed her, she looked around. She saw that Alex had left more than she'd taken. _Seems like she was more interested in running away from her life than starting one with him_, she thought.

Once she entered the kitchen, she looked down and noticed the broken cup. "Cleanup on aisle four," she joked.

"Oh…um, it slipped outta my hands," Alex explained. She turned off the stove and removed the kettle.

Olivia swept the few remaining pieces in the dustpan and emptied it in the trashcan. Alex got out two more cups and said, "Liv, you didn't have to do that."

Olivia smiled. "It was no problem."

Alex poured a cup of tea and handed it to her. Then she poured one for herself and they went into the den. "These past two days seem almost unreal."

Olivia took a sip of her tea. "Talk about a shock to the city. How's Mrs. Randolph?"

"Heartbroken. In shock," Alex answered, taking a sip of her own. She sighed. "That poor woman."

"Yeah, I can imagine," Olivia said gravely.

"I know it's not a very good impression for our new ADA."

Olivia's eyes widened. "Fresh meat?"

"Yeah, he was hired the day before Mike was shot. Name's Nick Potter. He and Jessica were with Mike when it happened."

"That's gotta be hard," Olivia sympathized. "Second day of your new job and you see a fellow ADA gunned down in front of you. That can't be very encouraging to work for the DA's office."

"True, but I imagine it was also very sobering. Now Nick really knows what he's getting into. Some people glamorize the notion of prosecutors meting out justice, but they don't realize how dangerous it can be."

"Where'd he work before?"

"Cromwell & Moore," Alex answered.

Olivia smirked. "Your heart has to be in it to leave a nice cushy firm where you make six figures to settle for 51,000 a year."

"Yeah…well, we'll see how long he sticks around after this. I'm rooting for the kid, but I wouldn't be surprised if he put in his resignation first thing tomorrow morning."

Olivia nodded. She saw how hard Alex was trying to hold it together. "How are you really?" she asked softly.

"I'm ok," Alex said, trying to convince herself more than Olivia.

Olivia put her hand on her thigh. Alex looked down at her hand. She opened her mouth but no words came out. She looked back into her eyes and suddenly collapsed on her shoulder. It was amazing that a touch so soft could shatter a veneer so hard. "I'm not ok," she sobbed. It was the first time she had actually released her emotions since she'd found out Mike had been shot, and boy, did it feel good. She wasn't concerned with preserving her ideal of the "new" Alex. At that moment, she was just Alex.

Olivia pulled her into her arms and held her tight. "Let it all out."

"I…I feel like the whole thing is happening all over again. Just when I thought I'd finally gotten closure, it comes back with a vengeance."

"I know, sweetie."

"I just feel so completely gutted, but I have to be strong for the bureau, I have to be strong for Mike's wife, I have to be strong for the people of New York. And the biggest challenge is being strong for myself."

Olivia rubbed her back. "You've been through it all. This too shall pass."

Alex sniffled and reached for a tissue. "I guess I shouldn't be complaining so much. At least I didn't die."

"Part of you did in Witness Protection," Olivia said.

Alex decided not to comment on that, even though she knew how right she was. "I just feel so horrible for Mike because I know that could've been me. If you hadn't been there cupping my shoulder, I would've bled to death on the pavement. I was released from the program and now I have my life back. Mike doesn't even get that chance."

"Some people would rather die than be conscious of the fact that they've lost everything and everyone for two years," Olivia replied. She picked up another tissue and wiped away stray tears from Alex's face.

"I got the bitterest taste in the back of my mouth as Branch announced his death on the news. I thought about him making the same announcement for me and how terrible it was for everyone I cared about to hear that."

"Yeah," Olivia replied, remembering that she'd tasted the same bitterness. "Hearing about Mike today was like reliving the horror of what happened to you."

Alex paused for a few seconds before quietly admitting, "I had a flashback right before you came over."

Olivia encouragingly rubbed her knee. "Wanna talk about it?"

Alex took a deep breath. "It was so scary. It was like I was outside Caffé Taci again. I could hear the gunfire. I could feel the concrete underneath me. I could feel the pain, the blood…"

"Is that when you dropped the cup?"

Alex nodded. "I was actually a bit thankful because it startled me out of it."

"Remember what your therapist said. In the back of your mind, keep repeating that it's not real and it'll go away."

"God, if people at work knew I was going through this shit…"

"You're able to hide it well because you suffer in silence. It doesn't interfere with your work, which just goes to show what a strong person you are. Besides, how many of your colleagues know the real Alex?"

Alex wondered if she was referring to her sexual orientation, her personality, or both. "What do you mean?"

"I just mean it's hard to crack your shell sometimes. Lots of people only see the ice queen side of you."

"Well, I don't have too much to get warm and fuzzy about these days anyway," Alex muttered before she could stop herself.

Olivia raised an eyebrow. _Trouble in paradise? Missing me? Both?_ she wondered. But she decided not to bring up the subject of Robert because she had promised Alex she wasn't there to be confrontational, only supportive. "Things'll get better," was all she said.

Alex drank some more of her tea. After placing it back on the coffee table, she responded, "I can't be so sure about that. Velez didn't stop with Donovan, so what if Escobar comes after me or someone else in the office? What if he gets my address or has one of his cronies follow me? Jessica said he bragged that he'd kill witnesses, DAs, and anyone else. If we'd all been more careful, we would've heeded his warning and Mike never would've died."

Olivia put her hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes. "That evil bastard will not harm one hair on your beautiful head," she said determinedly. "Neither will anyone associated with him."

Alex smiled, her heart glowing for this woman. "Thank you."

"You don't have to," Olivia murmured, pulling her into another embrace.

Alex laid her head on her shoulder and wished she could stay like that forever. Being with Olivia was like being in the eye of the tornado, where it was calmest and safest. Even though she would soon be ripped away and swept up in the chaos of her life again, she knew her time with Olivia would give her the strength to brave whatever trials lay ahead.

Olivia knew they'd only had a month apart, but she didn't regret being with her. At that moment, she was deriving as much comfort and tranquility from being with Alex as Alex was from being with her. She felt Alex wrap her arm around her waist and she made no motion to remove it. It all just felt right and she was afraid to do anything to disturb their established equilibrium. Other than the sounds of the night, the only thing she heard was the beat of her heart—or perhaps it was Alex's. She really couldn't distinguish it, and she guessed that was the way it was supposed to be.

Over an hour later, she looked at her watch. She was shocked with how much time had passed. "Wow, it's late."

Alex raised her head and glanced at the clock on the end table. "Yeah, it is. Will you stay the night with me?" she asked timidly.

Olivia smiled. "Sure."

They went upstairs and Alex changed while Olivia used the bathroom. When she came out, Alex pulled back the covers and asked, "Do you mind…"

Olivia knew exactly what she was requesting. "Of course not." She slipped off her jeans.

"I still left a few clothes here," Alex said. "You can pull a shirt out to sleep in."

"Thanks," Olivia said. She stripped off her sweater and went over to Alex's closet.

Alex tried not to stare at Olivia standing there in nothing but her underwear, but she just couldn't help it. _What an amazing ass_, she thought. When Olivia pulled off her bra, she had to suppress a gasp. With her nipples perking in response to the air, her breasts looked as alluring as ever.

Olivia turned and caught her gaze. Blushing deeply and quickly averting her eyes, Alex stuttered, "I was just…uh…m-making sure, you uh…"

Olivia grinned and put her arms through the sleeves. "Gotcha." She buttoned all the buttons except the top four.

With a smile, Alex commented, "It fits you perfectly."

Olivia slipped in bed. Turning on her side to face her, she said, "You mean it fits my _boobs_ perfectly."

"Nothin' wrong with that," Alex replied with a grin. "But you could probably make a paper sack look good if you wore it."

"Well, I _am_ an underpaid detective, but I don't think I'll ever be that hard up for money."

Alex chuckled. "You know you're the first person who's made me smile all day?"

"You've been through a lot. You could use some cheering up." She unconsciously began stroking up and down her arm.

As she watched her fingers, Alex felt her nipples tightening against the silk of her chemise nightgown. "You certainly know how to do the trick," she joked.

Olivia looked down. "Oh Alex…I'm sorry. I didn't even realize…" She started to withdraw her hand when Alex grabbed her wrist.

"Don't be," she assured her. "It's comforting."

"Comforting or arousing?"

"A little bit of both," she responded. When Olivia started gently stroking her again, she had to suppress a moan.

A few minutes later, Alex started chuckling. Olivia looked at her quizzically and asked, "What's so funny?"

"I'm afraid my bed will catch fire from all the sparks," she said huskily.

"Then how about I cool it off with some ice cream?" Olivia suggested.

Alex smiled. "Sounds good."

Olivia returned with a big bowl of chocolate ice cream with caramel sauce and two spoons. "Dig in."

"Gladly," Alex replied, scooping up a generous amount.

As they were eating, some ice cream dripped on Olivia's chest. Alex reached out and whisked it away.

"Alex, um, what are you doing?" Olivia asked, blushing at her touch.

Alex sucked the ice cream and caramel off her finger and smiled casually. "Can't let good ice cream go to waste."

Smirking, Olivia ate another spoonful. "I can't think of a better way to consume tons of calories."

"I'm sure you'll burn them off in no time. You're my lean, mean, crime fighting machine."

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "My?"

Alex blushed intensely. "Um…well, I just meant…"

Olivia enjoyed watching her squirm. "I'll let this one slide."

When they finished, Alex set the bowl on the nightstand. Olivia asked, "You don't want me to take it back downstairs and wash it?"

"No, I'll do it in the morning," Alex told her.

Olivia fluffed her pillow and asked, "Ready to go in tomorrow?"

Alex sighed. "As ready as I'll ever be."

"You'll handle the pressure like a champ. You always do," Olivia said encouragingly.

Alex smiled. "Thanks." She rested a hand on Olivia's side right above her panties. When she saw her alarmed look, she promised, "Don't worry. I'm not gonna go any lower."

"I've missed our late night pillow talks," Olivia admitted.

"So have I," Alex said softly. She pulled the comforter up over them.

Olivia wrapped her arms protectively around her. "Night," she whispered, kissing the scar below her collarbone.

With that gesture, all her burdens escaped her lips with a contented sigh. "Night."


	35. Nothing Gold Can Stay

**Chapter 35: Nothing Gold Can Stay**

Jim stormed into Alex's office the next day. She was sitting at her desk. "You got an adjournment without talking to me?" he yelled.

Alex put down the phone. "Escobar's lawyer wants to make a deal."

"Of course he does. He read the witness list and realized that Kellner was ready to testify," Jim snapped, talking a mile a minute.

"I am not willing to risk a mistrial, Jim, or an acquittal because some juror is pissing in his pants!"

"For God's sake, Alexandra, this is not the—"

"Think about the jury," Alex interrupted.

"No!"

"They already know a DA was murdered," she continued.

"Escobar needs to go down for murder two—life without parole."

"We offer 20 to life and keep parole on the table, Escobar _will_ _bite_."

"Yeah, and if he buys a beanie and reads the Koran, he'll be out when he's 47," Jim said sarcastically.

"It's the right move!" Alex insisted.

"_The guy had Mike murdered!_"

"That is not relevant to this case," Alex retorted coldly.

Jim balked. He couldn't believe his ears. He thought that surely someone who had been through it before would have a little more compassion. Instead she sat there with her elbows planted firmly on her desk and dismissed everything he said. "Not relevant? Wh-what do you mean, what do you mean 'not relevant'?"

"Jane Ritchie's parents are on their way over here right now. After we are done talking to them, you are going to go to Rikers and you are going to make a deal," Alex ordered, staring him down. "This conversation is over."

Jim looked at her in disbelief. Turning around, he slammed her door back against the wall and gladly left, ignoring the stares he'd attracted in the hall. He just couldn't stand to be around her another minute.

* * *

"We, um, believe that pleading Escobar out to murder two is clearly the best resolution to a very difficult situation," Jim explained.

"The risk of a mistrial, even an acquittal, is significant," Alex added.

"Right. Good, so Escobar, he'll be in jail for the rest of his life. Right?" Mr. Ritchie asked.

"He will be eligible for parole but not for _twenty years_," Jim answered.

"Twenty years?" Mr. Ritchie asked in astonishment. "That…that's not good enough. I won't accept that."

"I know that this is difficult to comprehend—" Jim started.

"You don't know a damn thing!" Mr. Ritchie shouted. "This animal cut open my little girl like a lamb for the slaughter and you're telling me he's gonna be released from prison someday? Is that what you're telling me?"

Jim looked to Alex for assistance but she sighed and looked away. Shamefully turning his gaze back to Jane's father, he answered, "It's possible, yes."

"You're a coward, Steele, you know that? A coward," Mr. Ritchie accused. "This guy not only killed my daughter, he _murdered_ your friend and now you're cutting him a _break_?" He angrily pushed his chair back and took his wife's arm to leave.

Alex turned to Jim. Before she could speak, he ordered, "Don't ever sell me out like that again." He got up from the table and left his office.

Alex smirked and did a nonchalant eyebrow jump. _Oh well, _she thought. She was amused not at his pain but at the childish way he expressed himself. She didn't have time to coddle him. It was cold-blooded but as she'd told herself many times, that was the way of prosecution. She thought he needed to drop the persecution complex because he was the one who begged to have the case in the first place. _So I'm selling him out just because I made him properly do the job he asked to do? Please._ Nonetheless, a part of her secretly enjoyed having the power to make him carry out the tough decisions because she'd been forced to do the same thing by her superiors when she was at SVU.

She walked back to her office and sat down at her desk. If Jim had wanted to take on the case, then he should've weighed all possible factors and been prepared for a worst case scenario, which included settling for a lesser sentence and breaking the news to the parents. He had been playing the game long enough to know that prosecution wasn't always about getting the justice you wanted; it was about getting the justice that you could. He was letting emotion get in the way of logic because he should've known that the decision to plead out was the only way they would be sure that he served time. It was very possible that terrified jurors would acquit to protect themselves and their families because they knew how merciless Escobar was.

The situation reminded her of a case she'd had her first year at SVU. Jill Foster, a police officer's daughter, had run away and become involved with rave owner Lance Kanick, who forced her into child pornography. Kanick had murdered an informant, so like Jim, the only deal she'd wanted to offer was life without parole. Kanick had refused to cooperate, just like Escobar would have. Cragen and the squad had pressured Alex to cut him a deal of 20 years because it was the only way he'd tell them where Jill was. She had recognized that Cragen and the others were right, so she didn't understand why he, a deputy DA, couldn't be level-headed enough to see this instead of throwing temper tantrums. He had currently been working in the DA's office much longer than she had been when she was on the Kanick case.

However, even though she had rationalized her actions, deep down she knew there was another reason—shame. She made him tell the parents because she knew she'd look like the biggest hypocrite and coward of all if she had done it. Jane Ritchie's parents could look at her and question why she would be willing to plead out someone like Escobar when she testified at trial and did everything in her power to make sure that the man who tried to assassinate her would be found guilty and receive the maximum sentence.

She looked at her watch and wondered what Olivia was doing. _Probably out on a case_, she decided. She picked up her cell phone to see if she had any messages; Robert had called twice. Rolling her eyes, she listened to her voicemail and decided she'd call him back later. He wanted to meet for a quick lunch but she didn't have time for that, and even if she did, she didn't want to see him. In fact, the only person she really wanted to see was Olivia. She hoped the evening would allow her the chance.

* * *

Jim stood in the bathroom, his jaw clenched. He was not only hurt, he was irate. How could Alex be so cruel to him, especially when she knew Mike's funeral was in a few hours? He was tired of her power plays and wondered what the hell he'd ever seen in her. It wasn't enough that she'd told him that _he_ was going to make the deal, but the meeting was in _his_ office. Then to add insult to injury, she had been perfectly content to let him take the blame for it all instead of admitting that she had authorized the deal. She had made it seem as if the decision to plead him out was his and that she was just backing his play.

The thing that hurt the most was hearing Mr. Ritchie call him a coward. He couldn't believe Alex didn't even speak up to defend him but sat by idly and let him be eviscerated. If he had his way, Escobar would never see the light of day again. He would do _anything_ to avenge Mike's death and he felt so completely powerless in the situation. He hoped the Ritchies could forgive him, but he didn't know when he'd be able to forgive himself.

After splashing some water on his face, he took a deep breath to embark on the trip to Rikers. But the worst was yet to come. From there he would carry the shame and guilt to his best friend's funeral. How could he explain to Joanne that her husband's murderer would be free someday—free to do all the things he never would anymore? Being in Mike's presence and feeling as if he had done such a disservice to him would be the hardest task of all, and he'd like nothing more than to see the close of such a horrid day.

* * *

Alex shivered as another freezing gust of wind blew across the cemetery. Much of the ground was still covered with a blanket of snow. She noticed that although Jim was standing beside her, he had put as much distance between them as he could. Given the circumstances, she wasn't surprised.

As the bagpiper played his somber melody, she thought back to what Olivia had described about her funeral and burial. She imagined all her friends, family, and colleagues standing at her graveside to mourn her just like all of Mike's were doing at the moment. She thought about how heartbreaking it was for Olivia to stand there with the knowledge that she was alive and put on the charade as if her body was really lying in the casket.

The scent of the flowers on and around Mike's casket drifted to her nose. It was odd how a fragrance so sweet could carry a sentiment so bitter. The tombstones, monuments, and mausoleums surrounding them each offered a unique thanatopsis while simultaneously offering the same one. Regardless of the differing artistry or personalization, the harsh reality was that death had conquered life and reduced every individual to the same level of physical disintegration. Alex found it grimly ironic that a feeling of unrest had settled in her bones in a place that was supposed to denote eternal rest.

The sky was overcast, but a bit of sunlight shone through the clouds as if nature was showing some mercy and providing its own explanation for their grief. As she looked at the few golden rays, she was reminded of the final lines to one of Frost's most legendary poems: "_So dawn goes down to day._ _Nothing gold can stay._"


	36. Lovesong

**Chapter 36: Lovesong**

Alex stood outside Olivia's door and raised her hand to knock. _Shit, what are you doing here?_ she scolded herself. _How do you know Zoe's not in there with her right now?_ She turned around to leave when the door opened.

"How long were you planning to stand out here, Cabot?" Olivia asked, a shit-eating grin on her face.

Embarrassed, Alex stammered, "H-how did you know I was out here?"

"I'm a detective, remember?" She moved aside and motioned for her to come in.

Alex walked inside and removed her coat while Olivia shut the door. The radio was playing in the background. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything," she said softly.

From the slight sadness in her voice, Olivia guessed she was referring to Zoe. "Nope, not at all."

Alex's nostrils got a whiff of the sweet incense that was burning. It took her back to a very pleasant time. Pointing to the burner on the sofa table, she asked, "You still have some sticks left from the antique shop?"

"Yeah. I use them sparingly or whenever the mood arises," Olivia said with a shrug.

"I can't believe we went there nine months ago."

"Strange to think of all the stuff that's happened since then."

"Crazy," Alex responded, sitting down.

Olivia went over to her desk and started looking through the menus on it. "Wanna order out? I'm starved."

"Sure," Alex replied. "I was thinking about picking up dinner but I didn't know…"

"It's all right. How's Italian sound?"

Alex smiled. "Perfect. I've actually been craving some."

Olivia gave her the menu and sat down beside her. "Whatcha want?"

Alex's mouth watered at all the choices. "I think I'm gonna have a hard time choosing!"

After ordering for them, Olivia asked, "How was your day?"

Alex sighed. "Nervewracking, as can be expected. We cut a deal with Escobar."

Olivia's eyes widened. "Why?"

"We can't take a chance of him getting acquitted at trial. Everyone on that jury knows what a monster he is, and no one wants him retaliating for being convicted."

"So what did you offer him?"

"20 to life with the possibility of parole."

Olivia shook her head. "That's hardly justice. To think that Mike fought so hard to put criminals behind bars and now the guy who had him murdered is getting a slap on the wrist."

"Well, 20 years is better than none at all," Alex replied. "If Escobar got off scott free, that would be an even greater injustice."

"I guess you're right, but I don't like it."

"And you think I do? If it was up to me, he'd be enjoying a potassium chloride cocktail sometime in the near future!" Alex snapped. Olivia just stared at her. Flushing lightly, she apologized, "Liv, I'm sorry. I'm just wound a little tight. I feel like I've had to defend my decision all day."

"I understand," Olivia responded flatly.

Alex touched her knee. "Listen, I don't wanna ruin our night."

Olivia forced a smile. "I don't either."

There was silence for a few moments before Alex asked, "So, um, how was your day?"

"It was ok," Olivia responded. "Elliot and Fin went to Atlantic City for a case we caught Wednesday night while I stayed behind to work on a couple others."

"I wouldn't mind spending a weekend there," Alex murmured. "Take my mind off things."

"Yeah, tell me about it." She noticed that Alex hadn't commented on the main purpose of the day, so she decided to bring it up. "How was the funeral?"

Alex expelled another sigh. "It was a nice service. I can't think of a better way to honor such a great man."

"I wish I could've been there. You know, for you."

Alex gave a small smile. "Really?"

"Yes," Olivia answered. "Was it as hard as you expected?"

"In some ways," Alex replied. "It's sad to think that we're all so different in life—possessions, influence, achievements, accolades—but death is the great equalizer. It just makes me appreciate life that much more. We actually get a chance to _be_."

Olivia nodded. "Yeah, that knowledge can really humble someone." With a lopsided grin, she added, "Let's face it, being the same can get kinda boring."

Alex laughed lightly, pleased that only Olivia had the uncanny ability to lift her spirits on such a distressing day. "I agree."

"I bet you were relieved when the funeral was over."

"Yeah," Alex said quietly. "The gang went out for a drink, but I decided to pass."

Olivia saw the goosebumps along her arms. "Cold?"

Alex nodded. "A little."

Olivia stood up and went to her room. She returned with a wool throw. "This should take care of that little problem."

Alex moved closer to her on the sofa and snuggled under it with her. "Reminds me of old times."

At that moment, The Cure's "Love Song" came on the radio. Olivia gave a small chuckle at the coincidence and replied, "Speaking of which…"

Alex grinned. "Nice, huh?"

_Whenever I'm alone with you_  
_You make me feel like I am home again_  
_Whenever I'm alone with you_  
_You make me feel like I am whole again_

Alex laid her head on her shoulder as Olivia wrapped her arm around her back. They both smiled as the familiar lyrics floated through the air, lifting the burdens from their hearts. "I love this song," Alex murmured.

"I do, too," Olivia echoed.

_Whenever I'm alone with you_  
_You make me feel like I am young again_  
_Whenever I'm alone with you_  
_You make me feel like I am fun again_

_However far away I will always love you_  
_However long I stay I will always love you_  
_Whatever words I say I will always love you_  
_I will always love you_

"I feel like this was written for us," Alex said. Olivia just nodded.

_Whenever I'm alone with you_  
_You make me feel like I am free again_  
_Whenever I'm alone with you_  
_You make me feel like I am clean again_

_However far away I will always love you_  
_However long I stay I will always love you_  
_Whatever words I say I will always love you_  
_I will always love you_

"I guess some things never change," Olivia remarked.

Alex lifted her head and tenderly ran her finger down her cheek. "No, they don't." She laid her head back on her shoulder and wrapped her arms around her waist. "You know Einstein once said, 'Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.'"

Olivia began to stroke her hair. "Not gonna argue with that in this case."

"It's moments like these that make me feel like everything will be ok."

"For you or us?" Olivia wondered out loud.

"Both," Alex responded, her voice breaking slightly. "I don't know when, I don't know how, but I just feel like everything will work itself out."

In spite of everything they'd been through that would suggest otherwise, happy tears pricked the back of Olivia's eyes. They both knew that what she'd said felt too good to be true, but at the same time they hoped it wasn't.

A few minutes later, their food arrived. Olivia buzzed the delivery woman in and she came up to her floor. "Here's your food, ma'am," she told her, looking her up and down appreciatively. "I hope you enjoy it."

Olivia smiled and paid her. "Thank you. I'm sure I will."

The woman reached into her pocket to give her back her change but Olivia shook her head and held up a hand. "Keep the change."

"Do you always tip so generously?" she asked.

"Well, you got here 15 minutes before you were scheduled. So I do when it's great service."

"Thank you," she said, smiling brightly. She bit her lip and slyly added, "Certainly don't hesitate to let me know when I can be of service again."

Olivia chuckled. "Okay."

"Have a good night," she said, winking at her as she left.

Alex felt a rush of jealousy at the flirtation that had occurred. Olivia closed the door and brought the food over to the coffee table. She gave Alex a curious look and asked, "What's up?"

"Nothing. Just noticing how popular you are with the ladies," Alex responded, trying to sound like she was joking.

Olivia cocked an eyebrow and thought, _Do I detect some jealousy?_ She took the chicken cacciatore and baked ziti out of the bag.

Alex picked up the container of ziti, folded back the aluminum edges, and took off the plastic top. "Oh, wow, I can't wait to eat this."

Olivia gave her a fork and a napkin. "Bon appétit." She stood up and added, "I think I have a good bottle of wine just sitting around and collecting dust. Want some?"

Alex smiled. "Please."

After uncorking the bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, Olivia returned a couple minutes later with two wine glasses. She poured some of the dark liquid into each of them and handed one to Alex.

Alex clinked the rim of her glass against Olivia's. "Cheers."

"Cheers," Olivia replied, taking a sip of her wine. "Ah, this is just what I need to relax."

"You've always loved Cabernet," Alex responded, putting her glass down on the coffee table. The wine felt warm and soothing as it went down her throat. She picked up her fork and dug into her ziti.

"Mmm…this is delicious," Olivia said, taking a bite of her own food. "Wanna try?"

"Sure," Alex said. Olivia scooped some of the chicken and spaghetti onto her fork and fed it to her. Alex nodded and wiped her mouth with her napkin. "Now that is good."

"You're tellin' me," Olivia agreed, taking another bite.

Alex picked up some pasta and meat sauce and held it out to her. "Try some of mine."

Olivia gladly took the fork into her mouth. "Delicious."

When they were finished, Alex leaned back and held her stomach. "Oh, I'm so full."

"Me, too," Olivia muttered, finishing the last of her wine.

Alex curled her legs underneath her and placed a hand on Olivia's knee. "You know…in the past couple times we've seen each other, we've broken almost every established rule between us."

Olivia laughed softly. "And if you count New Year's, every single one."

Alex started tracing a pattern on her knee. "I say that rules are made to be broken."

"Well, I'm surprised that an officer of the court would say this," she teased.

Alex smiled slyly. "We aren't in court now, Detective."

"Slick, Cabot."

Alex's smile widened. "Why, yes I am."

Olivia's eyes almost popped out of her head. "Alex! So dirty."

Alex wagged her finger at her. "Wait a minute now. I was just agreeing with you. You're the one who assumed I was talking about something else. So it's you who is dirty."

"Are you saying you aren't?" Olivia asked.

"Is that a trick question?"

"You don't answer a question with another question, Counselor."

"Would you like to perform a search?" Alex murmured.

Olivia grinned. "I bet you'd like me to."

Alex's eyes sparkled. "I'd like a lot of things."

Olivia shifted her position and placed her head in Alex's lap. "Sometimes I wish I had a time machine."

"Why, sweetie?" Alex asked, stroking her hair.

"So I could travel back to a time we were happy…and dating."

Alex let out a troubled sigh. "Sometimes I wish the same. Then there are other times that," her voice broke, "it's easier to forget. You can't miss something if you pretend it's not there in the first place. That's why I thought it was good to distance ourselves from one another. You make me miss being me, and being me is just sometimes too hard to do." She shook her head. "God, I hate myself for saying all that."

Olivia turned over on her back so she could look up at her. "Do you wish we'd never gotten involved?"

"No," Alex answered without hesitation, smiling down at her. She began stroking her forehead with the back of her hand. "If it wasn't for you, I never would've experienced true love. You made me feel things no one else ever has. Hell, you still do," she admitted. "That's why you will always be very special to me."

Olivia closed her eyes and smiled. Her top was up slightly, exposing a bit of smooth skin. Alex began stroking her stomach as she continued to stroke her forehead. "Am I being pampered now?" Olivia teased.

"I just miss touching you." Olivia's eyes opened and Alex laughed and explained, "I guess that did come out wrong, huh? I mean I miss feeling how soft your skin is beneath my fingers."

"Same difference," Olivia chuckled.

Alex started playing with her hair. "Your hair is so silky."

"Why, thank you," Olivia replied. Alex began to massage her scalp. "Ooh, that feels _really_ good."

"Have to put these hands to good use," Alex joked.

A few minutes later Olivia said, "Well, as much as I'd like to continue this, my bladder is making a bit of a protest."

Alex smiled. "Go ahead."

While Olivia was in the bathroom, she got up and walked over to admire her cherry bookcase. _When did she get this?_ she wondered. She noticed a framed photo on top of it. As she picked it up, a big smile crept across her face. "Aw, Rockefeller Center. What a great night."

"I agree," Olivia responded, walking up beside her.

"I wish I could go back to that night," Alex murmured.

Olivia looked from the photo to her. "Why?"

"Everything was perfect. I'd like to have a video of that night to watch over and over and over again…"

Olivia softly touched her shoulder. "I wouldn't mind having a copy."

Alex felt a tingle go through her at the touch. After taking one more look at the photo, she put it back in its place.

"You wanna stay the night?" Olivia asked.

Alex nodded. "I'd like that."

"I showered before you came, so the bathroom's all yours," Olivia said, walking over to the coffee table and picking up the empty containers and wine glasses.

Alex grinned. "What shall I sleep in? I'm afraid I didn't bring an overnight bag."

Knowing where she was going, Olivia said, "You can sleep in one of my shirts."

Alex's grin widened. "No panties?"

"That's up to you," Olivia said, laughing at Alex's open jaw as she went to the kitchen.

Several minutes later, Alex came out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel. Olivia put the book she was reading facedown on the nightstand. _How does she manage to look so stunning all the time?_ she wondered.

Alex noticed her gaze. "If you want, I could give you a closer look."

Olivia smiled. "Think I'll take a rain check."

Alex pulled one of her NYPD shirts out of a drawer and went back into the bathroom to blow-dry her hair. When she came out, she said, "You have no idea how good that shower felt."

"Nothin' like a nice hot shower after a long day."

"You said it," Alex agreed. As she got in bed beside her, the thought of Zoe being there crossed her mind. She frowned and quickly forced the troubling thought out. _Nothing will ruin my night_, she vowed. Besides, she currently had much bigger problems than Zoe to worry about.

Olivia noticed her vacant look. "Somethin' up?"

Alex shook her head quickly. "No. I was just…" She flashed a smile. "It doesn't matter. What are your plans for the weekend?"

"Uh…haven't made any," Olivia answered.

"Wanna do something?" Alex asked hopefully.

"As long as it involves all our clothes," Olivia replied.

Alex laughed. "How does a movie sound?"

"Good. I'll call you when I get off from work. Hopefully it won't be too late."

Alex placed a hand on her side. "I don't mind catching a late one."

Olivia scooted closer to her. "We can share a big container of popcorn."

"I want extra butter," Alex replied, starting to drum her fingers.

Olivia looked down at her movements. "Well, aren't you the fidgety one tonight?"

"Just excited, I guess. It's been awhile since I've had such a good time."

"Ah, the simple pleasures, huh?"

"Sometimes I think life's better that way," Alex responded.

"I do, too," Olivia agreed, putting her hand on Alex's waist. She let her hand travel a bit and added, "So I guess someone did decide to go commando."

"You told me I could," Alex replied, a glint of mischief in her eye. As Olivia's hand continued to rest on her hip, she felt her body get warmer. She cursed the cotton of the shirt which provided a barrier between her bare skin and Olivia's fingers. She chuckled at the reactions she could always set off inside her, regardless of whether the touch was innocent or sensual in nature. However, this was one of those times that the lines were blurred.

"What's so funny?" Olivia wondered.

"I'd just like to let you know that I'm about to jump out of my skin right now."

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Why is that?"

Alex ran a finger down her lips. "You have no clue how hard it is to not be able to kiss you."

Blushing at the contact, Olivia slowly licked her lips. "How hard is it now?"

Alex leaned in and replied, "You sure you wanna find out?"

Olivia looked at her softly and said, "I love it when your hair falls over your shoulders." She lightly brushed a hand through her long layers.

"Sure, Benson. Avoid the question."

Olivia laughed. "That way I stay outta trouble."

"Are you saying I'm trouble?" Alex breathed.

"With a capital T," Olivia answered.

"I'll take that as a compliment," she replied. A sly smile danced on her lips.

"What are you up to?" Olivia said suspiciously.

"I think there should be a calendar of New York's Finest—but just the female cops."

Olivia laughed. "Oh really?"

"Yes. And I'd be the first to buy one. You'd have to autograph it."

Olivia laughed harder. "Ok, if we ever make one, I'll let ya know. So tell me. Just what would you like to see me wearing?"

Alex grinned and hoped that her arousal wouldn't spread down her thighs. "Well…I imagine you sitting with your back against a wall in nothing but your dress blues. Actually, it wouldn't be full uniform, just your shirt. It would be wide open and your breasts and stomach would be wet…and you'd have your badge barely covering your crotch."

Olivia couldn't help but be turned on at her idea. She decided to play along. "What month would I be?"

"How about my birthday month? May."

"Well, if you're good this year, I might act out this fantasy of yours on your special day."

Alex felt her nipples tightening even more to match Olivia's. "You mean that?"

Olivia nodded. "Emphasis on the 'if you're good' part," she responded with a waggle of her eyebrows. She didn't want things to go too far, so she turned away from her and added, "Night."

"Hey!" Alex protested, shaking her shoulder. "You can't just leave it at that!"

"I decided to stop before both of us need cold showers. And considering how it's absolutely freezing outside, I don't think that'd be such a good idea for our health."

"I'm sure our bodies pressed against each other would generate enough heat," Alex replied, moving in close and wrapping her arm around her.

"Alex!" Olivia exclaimed.

"I can't help it when I'm around you," she said, her breath warm against her neck.

Olivia felt a tremor go through her body. "Your nipples are about to poke holes in my back."

Alex laughed. "Is that all my fault, though?"

"Yes," Olivia said quickly, trying to suppress a laugh.

"Well, I don't mind taking the blame for that," Alex replied. She kissed her softly on the cheek. "Don't worry, I'll be good."

"For how long?" Olivia teased.

"We can negotiate in the morning," Alex said, yawning.

"I guess the art of seduction is a tiring process, huh?"

Alex playfully pushed her shoulder. "Always the joker."

Olivia closed her eyes. "It's certainly one of my more endearing qualities, don't you think?"

Alex closed her eyes, too and rested her chin on her shoulder. "Definitely."


	37. Windows

**Chapter 37: Windows**

"We have a few hours before our movie. What do you wanna do?" Alex asked.

Olivia threw the remote down on the sofa and replied, "After today I think I need a power nap."

"May I join you?" Alex asked hopefully.

Olivia cocked an eyebrow. "That depends. Will you be sleeping or trying to seduce me?"

Smiling, Alex rolled her eyes. "I promise I'll behave."

They walked to the bedroom and Olivia put her cell phone down on the nightstand. "Don't let me sleep for too long."

"Will you put mine over there?" Alex asked.

"Sure," Olivia said, taking her phone from her. After putting it down, she pulled back the covers. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she took off her shoes and slowly stretched out on the mattress. "This bed feels so good."

Alex pulled the covers over them and rolled on her side. "And warm."

Olivia turned over to face her. "You just like being in my bed," she said with a smirk.

Alex grinned. "Who wouldn't?"

A few moments of comfortable silence passed. Neither could take her eyes off the other. Alex gingerly brushed some of her hair out of her face. "You really are beautiful, you know that?"

Olivia burst out laughing. Alex looked confused. "Did I say something wrong?"

"I half expected you to start singing, 'You are so beautiful,'" Olivia teased.

Alex laughed softly. "Can you ever just take a compliment?"

"I'm afraid I've reached my compliment quota for the month," Olivia responded with a lopsided grin.

Alex poked her in the arm. "Smartass."

A couple minutes later, Olivia asked, "Alex, are you staring at my boobs?"

Alex blushed. "Well…when you lay like that in a tank top, they look like they're about to pop out!"

"Horny much?"

"When it comes to you, yes," Alex admitted.

"I guess honesty _is_ the best policy," Olivia quipped. She closed her eyes and said, "Ok. Power nap starting now."

It wasn't long before she was asleep. Alex watched her for a few minutes before drifting off, too.

Half an hour later, Alex's cell phone started ringing. Olivia jerked awake and mumbled, "So much for the nap." She picked it up and looked at the outside display screen. "It's Serena," she said, passing it to her.

Alex suppressed a yawn and flipped open her phone. "Hello?"

"Hey, how are you?" Serena asked.

"I'm good. What's up?"

"Well, Kay and I are going out for Japanese and we were wondering if you'd like to join us."

"Hold on just a sec," Alex told her. Putting her hand over the speaker, she said, "Serena just asked me if I wanted to meet her and Kay for dinner. Wanna go?"

Olivia sat up and shrugged. "Sure."

"Ok, we're on," Alex told Serena. "You don't mind if Liv comes, do you?"

Serena smiled. "Not at all. Meet us at Matsuri in an hour?"

"That's perfect. See you then," Alex replied before closing her phone.

"Where are we eating?" Olivia asked.

Alex stretched her arms above her head. "Matsuri."

Olivia looked down at her tank top and sweatpants and chuckled. "Somehow I don't think this outfit is appropriate. I'm gonna shower and get ready." Smirking at Alex, she added, "No peeking."

Alex snapped her fingers. "Damn, Liv, you're no fun." She got out of bed and started walking toward the door. "I'll give you some privacy."

Several minutes later, Olivia came out in the blue cashmere sweater Alex had bought her for Christmas and a pair of sexy, tight jeans. Alex stood up from the sofa. She let her eyes travel over her body and smiled. "Wow. You look just…amazing."

"Me or my cleavage, Cabot?" Olivia teased.

Alex looked up to meet her eyes. "Both. Everything's part of the same lovely package, you know."

Olivia walked toward her until they were only a few inches apart. "Are you planning on flirting shamelessly all night?" she asked in a husky voice.

Alex shivered. "If you keep teasing me, that won't be all I have planned," she countered.

Olivia let out a laugh and shook her head. "I should stop while I'm ahead."

Alex was disappointed. "What's the harm in flirting?"

Olivia cocked her head and gave her a look. "Because flirting leads to other things."

"I can control myself."

"Famous last words," Olivia said. She went to grab her coat and scarf. "Come on. Let's catch a cab."

* * *

Once they had all met up, Serena introduced her girlfriend to Olivia. "Kay, this is Detective Olivia Benson of Manhattan SVU. Liv, this is Kay Hartley of Whitman Worth & Hartley."

Olivia offered her hand. "Defense attorney, huh?"

Kay gladly shook it. "Yeah. I know you probably don't like us very much, but I promise I do have a soul."

Olivia laughed. "Good to know. How'd you manage to get last minute reservations?"

Kay smiled. "I pulled a few strings."

After the hostess had seated them in a booth on the main floor, Alex looked up at the enormous paper lanterns ornamented with Japanese calligraphy. They hung from a high vaulted ceiling with wooden ribs. "This décor is beautiful."

"I agree," Olivia replied, looking around and appreciating the cavernous, dark wood interior.

"It's very romantic," Serena said, tucking some hair behind Kay's ear.

Smiling, Olivia waggled her eyebrows. "I take it that's a plus, right?" she teased.

"You know, for a cop you clean up well," Kay complimented. "I'm honored to be dining with a sexy sex detective."

Alex looked at Olivia and smiled. _You're not the only one_, she thought.

Serena rolled her eyes. "Liv, please excuse my girlfriend's ridiculous flirting."

Olivia chuckled. "I happen to think 'sexy sex detective' has a nice ring to it."

"You should have a shirt made," Alex joked.

"Perhaps I will," Olivia said.

A waitress came over to explain the menu and specials. She was soon joined by the sake sommelière, who offered suggestions and expertly guided them through the large selection of tantalizing sakes. After discussing the wine and food options with Serena, Kay ordered for them, followed by Alex and Olivia.

Serena smiled at Kay. "Wow, I didn't know you could speak Japanese. The sommelière looked like she was pleased as well."

Kay grinned. "There's a lot you don't know about me."

Alex looked from one to the other. "Good to know you two are still getting along so great."

Kay put her hand on Serena's back. "What can I say? She's an amazing woman. I can't get enough of her."

Serena grinned from ear to ear. "You're too generous."

Kay kissed her on the nose. "I just call 'em like I see 'em, sweetie."

A server brought a carafe of sake and some glasses of water. Alex poured some for herself and Olivia and said, "Great sake is the perfect ending to any day."

"I agree," Olivia replied, taking a sip.

"I can think of another…" Kay said, rubbing Serena's shoulder and whispering something in her ear that made her blush.

"Doesn't take a rocket scientist to guess that one," Alex quipped.

"Seems Serena's got herself a wild one," Olivia added.

Kay raised an eyebrow and gave her a sly smile. "You look like a wild one, yourself." She spared a glance at Alex to gauge her reaction.

Alex busied herself with drinking her sake. "The ladies certainly never get bored," Olivia said with a wink.

"I bet they don't," Kay said. She turned her attention to Alex again. "It's a pity you don't play for our team. Liv seems like quite a catch."

Alex put her glass down and looked at Olivia. "Yes, she is. She'll make some lucky woman very happy one day." Kay noticed an almost wistful tone in her voice as she said it.

Serena nudged her girlfriend in the ribs. Kay turned to her with an innocent look and said, "What, baby? I'm just making conversation."

Serena smiled and rolled her eyes. "Sure you are."

Luckily for Alex, Olivia changed the subject. The four of them engaged in lighthearted conversation over the next several minutes. In fact, they were so entrenched in dialogue that it didn't seem long before two waitresses were bringing their dishes.

Olivia picked up her chopsticks and dipped a piece of yellowtail sashimi in the ginger vinegar sauce. "This is the best hamachi I've ever had!"

Alex took a bite of her sake black cod. "This is absolutely delicious. Melts in your mouth!" Holding out her fork, she said, "Taste some, Liv."

Olivia happily accepted. "That _is_ good." She placed a piece of fatty tuna sushi on Alex's plate.

Alex dipped it in a little of Olivia's wasabi and some soy sauce and ate it. "Now I know why you love otoro so much, Liv."

Olivia smiled. "Can't go wrong with it. Tastiest tuna out there." She picked up another piece to eat herself as Alex continued eating her cod.

Kay and Serena exchanged bites of kobe beef tataki and sea scallops before indulging in their sushi and sashimi platter. From time to time, they gave each other little kisses during the meal. Alex and Olivia enjoyed their plates as they admired the level of comfort Kay and Serena had with each other.

Olivia took a sip of sake and asked, "They're a beautiful couple, aren't they?"

"Yes," Alex said. She reached for a piece of salmon nigiri and her chopsticks inadvertently met Olivia's.

"Oh, sorry!" Olivia exclaimed. "You take it."

"No, no, it's ok. It's the last piece, you go ahead. I'll eat a piece of the pink snapper or fluke," Alex insisted, gesturing at the sashimi nestled in the yuzu and ponzu sauces, respectively.

"How about we share it?"

Alex ran a hand over Olivia's hair. "Ok." She dipped the piece of sushi in soy sauce and fed Olivia half before eating the rest.

They were unaware that Kay and Serena had stopped to watch. Before Kay could say a word, Serena looked at her sternly and ordered, "Don't." Kay just grinned.

"You've got a little rice on the side of your mouth," Alex said, reaching over to brush it away.

"And you've got a little soy sauce," Olivia said, brushing it away and sucking it off her fingertip.

Serena almost choked on her eel cucumber maki. Kay folded her arms and leaned back satisfactorily when she noticed the slight flush that passed over Alex's face.

"I think you'll find that the ponzu tastes a little better," Alex said, feeding her some fluke sashimi.

Olivia grinned. "You're right about that." She returned the favor.

A waiter came by to bring another carafe of sake and refill their water glasses. Once they had finished their meal, Kay asked, "Ok, so who has room left for dessert? My treat."

Alex looked at Olivia, who shrugged. Smiling brightly at Kay, she answered, "Sure. Liv and I will have some."

Kay ordered green tea tiramisu with red been ice cream for everyone. "Wow, sweetie. Great choice," Serena complimented.

"I agree," Olivia said, digging her fork into the smooth, creamy layers.

As they ate their dessert, Kay observed Olivia and Alex's interaction. Even in the dimly lit restaurant, she noticed their subtle touches, the way Alex glanced at Olivia with such tenderness, the way Olivia's eyes lit up when she did. Deciding to test them, she said, "So Alex, you and Robert still enjoying Park Avenue?"

Just as she expected, she noticed Olivia's features hardening a bit. Alex also stiffened. She could tell they were both holding back their emotions.

"Um…" Alex began, "it has its perks. Very pleasant atmosphere." She shot Olivia an apologetic glance, which Kay also noted.

This time Serena was the one to change the subject. "So what do you two have planned for the night?"

"We're gonna see a movie," Olivia answered.

"Which one?" Serena continued.

Alex smiled at Olivia. "We haven't decided yet but we were leaning toward a comedy. It's been a long week."

Serena reached across the table and placed her hand on Alex's comfortingly. "You holding up ok?" she asked, smiling sympathetically.

"Yeah," Alex responded. She rubbed Olivia's back. "Liv's been a big help in getting me through it all."

Kay grinned. "Ooh, a cop with a sensitive side. I like that."

Serena shook her head. "Kay, you're relentless."

"Isn't that what you love about me?" she asked, feeding her some dessert.

Alex dipped a piece of ladyfinger into some ice cream and ate it. "So what's on the agenda for you two?" Grinning, she added, "Or do I want to know?"

Olivia laughed. "I think we all know the answer to that."

"We may check out a jazz club and after that, I'm sure we'll have a long and satisfying night," Kay replied.

Serena laughed. "You're gonna have me exhausted by Monday morning."

"I intend on it," Kay responded with a wicked grin.

A waitress brought their checks in a few minutes. Kay pulled out her credit card to pay for herself and Serena.

Alex opened her wallet but Olivia pulled out her own credit card. "I got it."

"Liv, you sure?" Alex asked.

Olivia smiled. "Even cops like to splurge sometime."

"Oh, Liv…you shouldn't," Alex insisted.

"Since you were so generous to pay for dinner at Sea Grill, let me pick up the tab here, ok?"

Alex tucked her credit card back inside and closed her wallet. "Ok," she conceded. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome," Olivia replied.

After the waitress returned with Kay and Olivia's credit cards, Alex stood up and said with a grin, "Well, we have a movie to get to so I'm gonna have to say goodnight to you lovebirds."

Olivia stood up, too. "Night." She nodded at Kay and said, "It was nice meeting you."

"You, too," Kay replied, giving her a bright smile.

"Don't wear yourselves out," Alex added, winking.

"You lied to me," Kay accused after they left.

Serena wrinkled her brow. "Excuse me?"

"You told me Alex wasn't a lesbian."

Serena sighed. "She's not," she lied.

"Oh, please! I saw the way she kept looking at Olivia. Those two are fucking!"

"They are not," Serena insisted, rolling her eyes.

"Well, if they aren't fucking now, they have fucked or want to be fucking sometime in the near future. What's more, they look like they're _in love_."

"Have too many drinks, Kay?" Serena teased.

Now was the time for Kay to roll her eyes. "The way Alex looked at Robert as compared to Olivia was the difference between night and day. With him, everything seems forced. With Olivia, the affection seems natural and the funny thing is that she wasn't even trying to come off as affectionate with her; she just couldn't help it. You can't fake the kind of intimacy they had."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were a detective, not a lawyer."

Kay smiled. "The eyes are the windows to the soul. Try looking at Alex's next time and you'll see what I'm talking about."

Of course, Serena knew exactly what she was talking about but she would never out her best friend, not even to her girlfriend. The times she'd gone to Alex's bureau so they could go to lunch, she'd also noticed that she had a blank, lifeless look in her eyes when she had been talking to Jim. The vacant look had only become more apparent with Robert since she was losing more of herself by actually dating and cohabitating with him. The only time she'd seen her eyes spring back to life was when she was with Olivia. For Alex's sake, she only hoped that others weren't as astute as herself and Kay.

Kay waved her hand in front of her face. "Earth to Serena!"

Serena shook herself out of her thoughts. "Sorry, I was just…thinking."

"Thinking that maybe Alex has been keeping secrets from you?"

Serena smirked. "You're really having fun with this, aren't you?" Touching her shoulder, she stood up and said, "Come on. Let's get outta here."

* * *

"Should we go back to your place or mine?" Olivia asked after their movie ended.

"How about yours?" Alex suggested. She loved the warmth and coziness of Olivia's apartment, and she also knew there was no chance of Robert dropping by.

"Mine it is," Olivia said.

Once they were back at her apartment, Olivia turned on the heat as Alex shivered. "How about a nice hot cup of cocoa?" she asked.

Alex smiled. "I'd like that."

A few minutes later, Olivia returned with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate with marshmallows floating at the brim.

"Thank you," Alex said, taking her cup.

"You're welcome," Olivia replied, sitting down beside her.

Alex looked out the window to see light snowflakes falling. "Boy, am I glad I'm not out there now."

"Yeah, tell me about it," Olivia agreed, taking a long, satisfying sip of her cocoa.

"You know, I really appreciate you letting me spend the night again."

Olivia smiled. "No problem."

"I loved having marshmallows in my cocoa as a child."

Olivia laughed. "From the looks of it, you still do."

"What can I say?" Alex asked with a grin. "They're just as good now as they were then."

"You know what's also good? White hot chocolate."

"Ooh, yes! I'll be sure to pick some up so the next time you come over to my place, I can make it for you."

Olivia's smile faded. "I take it you probably won't have a reason to be there much now. You have a new one."

"Whenever you want me to be there, I will," Alex said, touching her shoulder gently.

Olivia looked down at her hand. "Alex, did you just stealthily cop a feel?"

"I was reaching for your shoulder!"

Olivia smirked. "Is that what they call it nowadays?"

"Well, you can cop one on me so we'll be even."

Olivia's jaw dropped. "Alex!"

"Hey, I was only half-joking!"

They finished their mugs of hot chocolate as they watched the snow continue to fall. "Serena and Kay really chose a wonderful restaurant," Olivia said.

Alex nodded. "I know. Thanks again for dinner."

Olivia waved her off. "Oh, it was nothing."

"No, quite the contrary. It really meant a lot to me," Alex replied, her eyes locking with Olivia's.

For a moment Olivia was speechless. When she found her voice again, she spluttered, "I…um, I'll go wash our mugs." She stood up and quickly left the room.

Alex sighed and leaned back against the arm of the sofa. When Olivia returned, she asked, "Did I upset you?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, it just gets hard sometimes. You know…knowing you're with someone else."

Alex moved closer to her and stroked her arm. "I know…but he's not here and most importantly, he's not you."

"I…I don't want to think about him anymore tonight," Olivia responded.

"I don't either," Alex said. "Listen, let's just be ourselves tonight, ok? My feet get tired from running from myself all the time."

Alex's words resonated with Olivia in a profound way. After taking a few moments to ponder them, she decided, "Ok."

Alex smiled and lay back on the sofa again. She patted her lap. "Come on. Lean back and let me hold you."

Olivia turned around and leaned back in her arms as Alex wrapped them snugly around her waist. "You're not gonna try to slide your hands in my pants, are you?" she teased.

Alex kissed the top of her head and rubbed her stomach. "Only if you want me to."

After several minutes, Olivia asked, "Are we just gonna lie here all night?"

"I honestly wouldn't have a problem with that."

"Then I'm just gonna use your boobs for a pillow," Olivia said, getting comfortable.

Alex grinned. "Be my guest."

"I'm not gonna wake up naked and confused, am I?"

Laughing heartily, Alex said, "You're so silly."

Smiling, Olivia closed her eyes and replied, "Gotta love a chick with a sense of humor, huh?"

Alex squeezed her waist. "I sure do."


	38. Can't Hurry Love

**Chapter 38: Can't Hurry Love**

A couple hours later, Olivia woke up. She sat up to find Alex fast asleep. Nudging her gently, she said, "Hey, I'm gonna go to bed. You coming?"

Alex nodded groggily. "I just need to shower first and then I'll be there."

They went in the bedroom and started to get undressed. Olivia was just about to undo her bra when Alex touched her shoulders and said softly, "Don't worry about it. Let me get that."

"With your teeth or your fingers?" Olivia joked.

"Whatever you'll let me use," Alex replied, walking her fingers across a shoulder and down her spine.

Olivia didn't even bother trying to suppress the tingle that went through her. "F-fingers will be just fine."

Alex grinned and unlatched her bra. Resting her fingers on the straps, she asked, "May I?"

Olivia nodded. Alex slid them off her shoulders and said, "There. I'd say you're good to go."

Olivia turned around to face her and pulled the bra off the rest of the way. Not able to take her eyes off her breasts laid bare before her, Alex gasped and gulped loudly.

"Now let me do you," Olivia murmured.

"Yes, please," Alex replied.

Olivia stepped so close to her that there was virtually no space between them. Staring into Alex's eyes intently, she reached behind her and unlatched her bra with a quick flick of her wrist.

A shiver coursed through Alex's body as Olivia stepped back a little, pulled the straps off her shoulders, and slid the cups off her breasts. Her nipples immediately perked as they were released to the air. Olivia bit her lip at how delicious her breasts looked.

Her reaction did not go unnoticed by Alex. "Sure you don't wanna join me?" she hoped.

Olivia looked up and flashed a smile. "Nah." She pointed her thumb in the direction of her bed and said, "I'll just wait for you over there."

Alex nodded regretfully. "Ok. I'll be done soon."

About 15 minutes later, Alex slipped into bed beside Olivia. Placing a hand on her shoulder, she asked, "You asleep?"

Olivia turned toward her. "No, not yet." Her nose grazed her shoulder and she said, "Mmm…you smell so nice."

Alex snuggled under the covers and put an arm around Olivia's waist. "Thanks."

Olivia opened her eyes to meet Alex's. "By the way, thanks for the movie."

"No problem. I was glad to have your company."

"It was nice sharing that carton of popcorn."

"Yeah…but even nicer was getting to share the night with you," Alex replied.

Olivia smiled. "It was a Saturday night well spent."

Alex let her fingers dance at the small of her back. "It's so peaceful here."

Olivia laid her cheek in the crook of her neck. "I agree."

Alex took great comfort in something that Olivia hadn't done in a long time. She loved it when Olivia let her guard down and was open with her, whether through gestures or words. She was especially grateful for instances like this because she knew Olivia had become more reserved with her feelings in order to protect her heart. She kissed her forehead.

Olivia grinned up at her. "What was that for?"

"You've taken such good care of me these past few days. That's my way of saying thanks. Besides, I think you could use a little TLC."

"Just what type of TLC?" Olivia asked.

"Close your eyes," Alex responded.

Olivia did as she was told. She soon felt soft, full lips brush hers. When Alex pulled back, she opened her eyes and asked, "That's a thank you, too?"

"Yes. And this is an 'I love you,'" Alex responded, enveloping her mouth and kissing her passionately.

Olivia kissed back with equal fervor. She basically had warning bells going off in every corner of her mind but she couldn't stop herself. The strange thing was that she wasn't sure she wanted to stop.

Alex's nipples strained against the satin of her nightgown. Olivia slid a finger under one of the spaghetti straps and traced a pattern on her shoulder as their tongues wrestled.

Alex tenderly ran her hands over her shoulders and down her back. She couldn't wait to lavish every single curve with kisses.

Olivia rubbed the back of Alex's thigh. She couldn't help the way she felt with her and she didn't know how something that felt so right could at the same time feel so wrong. She moved her hand over to the inside of her thigh and could feel the heat radiating from her center. She just wanted to envelop herself in that warmth and forget all the reasons why she shouldn't. Alex's words echoed in her head: _Listen, let's just be ourselves tonight, ok? My feet get tired from running from myself all the time._

Alex broke away from her mouth and moved behind her. Pushing her hair to the side, she blew lightly on the nape of her neck. Goosebumps arose all along Olivia's arms and her nipples tightened more. She bit her lip when warm lips touched her skin, followed by a soft tongue. Alex had always loved the way her skin tasted and she knew just what would drive her wild. As she continued to tease her neck, she reached around front, lifted up her shirt and traced her navel with her finger.

Olivia tried her best not to get lost in the multiple sensations fusing inside her. She turned around and pulled Alex's nightgown over her head. She could smell her arousal on her lace panties.

Alex removed Olivia's pajama bottoms. She was pleased to see that she had on no underwear at all. Licking her lips, she began caressing her thigh as Olivia pulled her in for another kiss. "Mmm, Liv," she moaned against her mouth. She couldn't get enough of the softness of her lips or the taste of her talented tongue. She kissed her harder as she began to rub her sex.

Olivia threaded a hand in her long locks and twisted. Her hair had always felt so soft and fine beneath her fingers and she loved playing in it. She used her other hand to tenderly massage a breast, tweaking the already painfully stiff nipple.

Alex let out another satisfied moan and moved her hand up to stroke her stomach under her top. She was inching her way up to a breast when Olivia suddenly broke away from her mouth and motioned for her to lie down on the bed. Once she'd complied, she bent down and slowly removed her panties with her teeth.

Alex hissed in pleasure as Olivia's teeth scraped against her skin. She could feel her warm breath against her center and it just made her wetter. It had been so long since she'd felt Olivia's mouth there and the anticipation of getting such a treat again was about to drive her absolutely mad. Her hips actually left the bed when Olivia ever so lightly ran her fingertips over her swollen folds.

"You're so fucking wet," Olivia whispered.

"Oh, Liv I can't help it," Alex gasped. "You know what you do to me."

Olivia grinned wickedly. "That I do." She pulled off her top and straddled her just below her center. Alex reached up to grab her breasts but Olivia swatted her hands away and said, "No. Not until I give you permission." Leaning down, she brushed her lips over her neck and gently nipped her collarbone. She then kissed a trail between her breasts before moving down her stomach.

Alex grunted in frustration when her lips left her skin right before reaching the neatly trimmed triangle between her legs. She wondered if she was going to torture her all night long, but then again, she didn't mind that one bit.

Moving back up her torso, Olivia licked along the underside of a breast and then circled her nipple with her tongue, causing Alex to sigh contently. As she began sucking one breast, she squeezed the other, rolling the nipple back and forth with her thumb and forefinger.

After what seemed like an eternity, Olivia brought her attention to her center, which desperately ached for her touch. She parted her folds with her tongue and licked along the length of her sex.

"That feels so good," Alex whispered, letting out a low guttural moan as she felt her clit get hard under her tongue.

Olivia licked patterns on her sex, causing her to throw her head from side to side against the pillows. Massaging her folds with her fingers, she kissed her clit softly and sucked it into her mouth.

When she finally pushed her tongue inside her, Alex thought she was going to explode right then. But she was determined to hold out to prolong the sensations. Olivia flicked her tongue from side to side and then up and down before starting to thrust gently.

Alex's eyelids fluttered while she moved her hips in motion to her tongue. "Don't stop, Liv," she begged.

Olivia began alternating between thrusting her tongue and her fingers inside her. Whenever her fingers were inside her, she pushed upward before twisting against the walls of her sex as her thumb stimulated her clit.

"Deeper, baby," Alex ordered.

Olivia thrust her fingers deeper and harder as she moved up her body to suck her nipples. Alex massaged her scalp and moaned loudly.

When she knew Alex was close, she grazed her teeth over her clit as she hit her G spot with her fingers. Alex's eyes rolled back in her head. A few minutes later she yelled, "Oh shit, Liv, I'm coming!"

Her entire body shook violently as her fluids coursed down her open thighs and dripped onto the sheets. Each swipe of Olivia's tongue evoked another shudder. Olivia moved up her body and held her as her orgasms finally abated.

"Come here, you," Alex said, pulling her directly on top of her and enveloping her lips. She then shifted their bodies so they were on their sides.

Olivia once again let herself get lost in the softness. Alex pulled her bottom lip between her teeth before capturing both again, claiming them as her own. When her lips parted, she snaked the tip of her tongue between them, running them over her teeth and then battling her tongue for dominance.

Alex ran her fingers through her hair. She could smell the faint traces of Olivia's perfume as she left her mouth and kissed her neck. Gently turning her over on her stomach, she started placing kisses down her spine. "You like that?" she asked softly.

"Oh yes," Olivia answered.

Alex ran her hands down her back and over the curve of her ass. She again lowered her lips to kiss the supple flesh. Continuing her journey downward, she kissed the back of her toned thighs.

Olivia could feel her wetness spreading against the sheets. She turned over and leaned back against the pillows. Finally deciding to give Alex what she wanted, she took her hands and placed them on her full breasts. Alex kneaded them gently as Olivia moaned softly and intently watched her fingers working. She soon replaced them with her tongue, licking in long, firm strokes.

Olivia drew her breath in sharply as Alex began sucking her breast. "Oh fuck," she moaned, throwing her head back.

Alex took more of her breast into her mouth. Olivia put her hands on her shoulders and ordered, "Suck harder."

Alex was all too happy to do so. After several more moments of holding her nipple captive, she moved on to the other breast. She licked all over the soft flesh before mercilessly teasing the nipple.

As her mouth worked its magic, Olivia's breathing became more and more ragged. When Alex bit her nipple, the sensations shot down to her sex like a lightning bolt. Olivia dug her nails into her back and dragged them downward, eliciting a sharp gasp from Alex.

"So you like it a little rough, huh?" Alex teased.

Olivia quickly flipped them over. "You know it."

"I can do that," Alex said with a devious grin. She flipped them back over and straddled her. She pinned her arms above her head and stared down into her eyes. "You don't know how much I've missed this."

Olivia smiled. "Why don't you show me?"

Alex smiled back. "Gladly." Keeping one hand firmly on her wrists, she leaned down to capture her mouth in a hot, steamy kiss. With the other, she twisted her nipple.

Olivia moaned against her mouth as Alex twisted harder in the opposite direction before moving on to the other nipple. The hold on her wrists tightened. Alex flicked the erect nipple and massaged it gently to soothe some of the sting. She then repeated her actions of pain followed by comfort a few more times on each nipple.

When Olivia could no longer stand it, she pulled back from the kiss and bit her neck. Alex cried out and dropped her arm, freeing Olivia's wrists and leaving bright red marks on them.

Olivia slapped her ass hard. "Say my name," she ordered.

"L-Liv," Alex breathed, feeling her wetness starting to drip onto Olivia's stomach.

Olivia leaned forward and bit her nipple. Alex let out another sharp cry. Olivia pinched her clit and said, "I can't hear you."

"Liv!" Alex screamed. She slid down so her center was atop Olivia's and began a slow but steady rhythm.

Olivia squeezed her ass and started grinding in rhythm to Alex's rocking hips. Their wetness blended and the feeling of their folds repeatedly sliding into and over each other's was electrifying. Alex reached down to fondle her breasts as she picked up the pace, driving her sex into hers. With each forward thrust of Alex's pelvis, Olivia felt herself rising closer to unbridled rapture.

A satisfied moan escaped Alex's lips when Olivia slapped her ass again. The sting from the slap only fused with the fire building inside her sex and heightened the pleasure she was feeling. She started bouncing up and down, grinding her stiff clit harder and faster against Olivia's.

Neither of them could hold out any longer. "Oh fuck, Alex!" Olivia screamed as both their bodies started quaking.

Alex collapsed on top of her and struggled to catch her breath. Their hearts raced against each other. "Oh god, Liv, that was too fucking amazing."

Olivia rubbed her back and smiled. "So I take it it was good for you, too?"

Alex kissed her. "Sometimes you make me so high I don't ever wanna come back down."

Olivia stared into her eyes for a moment. "I know the feeling."

Alex ran a finger along her collarbone. "I've wanted to taste you all night," she murmured.

"Is that so?" Olivia teased.

"Yes. You didn't think I was done with you, did you?"

"What have you done to earn it?"

"Didn't I just work pretty hard?" Alex asked, kissing along her jawline.

When Alex's lips touched the hollow of her throat, Olivia felt her heart skip a beat. "Mmm…I like it when you work hard."

"Please…Liv, just give me a little taste," she begged, running a finger down her stomach.

Olivia bent her knees and spread her legs apart. Alex licked her lips at the beautiful center glistening with arousal that was in front of her. She could barely contain her desire. She looked up into her eyes for permission. When Olivia nodded, Alex nestled between her legs and placed tender kisses all over her sex. She then slowly licked off some of the wetness before completely burying her face in it. With each stroke of her tongue, her nose brushed her clit and caused her to whimper. Alex ran her fingers through her soaked curls and tugged softly. With her other hand, she caressed her thighs as she drew out moan after moan from her lover.

She then proceeded to slowly push her tongue inside, moving it in circles and relishing the fact of tasting her very core. As she explored her slick walls, she lightly let her fingers trace her inner folds.

"Baby, you're driving me crazy," Olivia gasped.

Alex pulled back momentarily and replied with a wicked smile, "Sweetie, I've only just begun."

Olivia bucked her hips as Alex's rigid tongue thrust wildly in and out of her. Alex grabbed her hips to still her. As her nails scraped down her ass, Olivia bit her lip and threw her head back.

Alex slowed her pace somewhat before temporarily leaving her opening to suck and lick her folds. Looking up into her eyes, she took her quivering clit in her mouth and sucked hard.

Olivia grabbed the sheets and tried her hardest not to rip them to shreds. They both knew she was close. Alex pushed two fingers inside her and pumped as she continued to suck. With each thrust she delved longer and deeper because she knew Olivia loved that, too. Before long, her center quivered and began clenching and releasing against her fingers. Her body tensed up and started trembling, trapping her fingers inside, before she exploded all over her. The look of raw ecstasy on Olivia's face as each orgasm hit her caused Alex's own orgasm to ripple through her body. When she had recovered, she licked away her juices and said, "Your come tastes so sweet."

Olivia muttered several unintelligible words as she desperately tried to force her brain to function again. Alex moved up the bed and wrapped an arm around her. She brushed away the wisps of hair that had become matted to Olivia's forehead and asked, "You ok?"

Olivia nodded. "Maybe I'll be ok sometime before the year is over."

Alex grinned and kissed her. "Beautiful ending to a beautiful night, huh?"

Olivia smiled and cuddled closer to her. "I'll say. But I was right."

"About what?"

"I knew you couldn't control yourself."

* * *

Olivia awoke the next morning to a tray being placed across her. "Wake up, sleepyhead," Alex said.

Olivia sat up and looked at the food before her. Alex had prepared bacon, two eggs over-easy, and pancakes with fresh strawberries and whipped cream. "Oh wow. You went all out."

"It wasn't any trouble," Alex replied.

Olivia picked up her fork. "I'm starved," she said, digging in.

Alex smiled. "I figured you would be after last night."

Olivia smirked. "Don't flatter yourself." She noticed that Alex had put on a shirt. "Didn't feel like cooking in the buff, huh?"

"Cooking naked isn't any fun if you're not there to watch," Alex said, pulling off the shirt in one swift motion and cuddling up to her. "And you looked so peaceful sleeping that I didn't wanna wake you."

"Don't try to distract me when I'm hungry," Olivia joked.

Alex dipped a strawberry in some whipped cream and fed it to her. Noticing that she had a little whipped cream on the corner of her mouth, she leaned in and licked it away.

"Feeling adventurous?"

"Just a little," Alex responded. She brushed some hair behind Olivia's ear. "I can't get over how gorgeous you are when you wake up."

Olivia ate another forkful and drank some orange juice before responding. "Apparently neither can your wandering hands."

"They have good taste," Alex whispered. She looked at the rays of sunlight coming through the bedroom window. "It looks like it'll be a beautiful day."

"Hopefully it won't be too long of a day."

"Nothing like a hearty meal to bring you comfort. I've missed cooking for you. May I make you dinner tonight?"

Smiling at her, Olivia answered, "Well, I don't know what time I'm getting off, but I wouldn't mind another home-cooked meal."

"Good. You can just drop by my place after you leave the station. What would you like?"

"I don't know, surprise me."

When Olivia ate her last bite and drank the rest of her juice, Alex said, "You know…now we can work off some of those calories by exercising."

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "In this freezing weather?"

Alex kissed her shoulder and grinned. "Actually, I wasn't planning on leaving this bed. We can do some of those horizontal aerobics." She dipped her finger in the whipped cream left on the plate and sensually sucked it off.

Olivia grinned. "Ooh, naughty."

"I can be much, _much_ naughtier," Alex assured her, starting to kiss her neck. She picked up more whipped cream and traced it on her neck before slowly licking it off.

Olivia shivered. "Mmm…"

"I also know of another great place on your body where whipped cream would be positively delicious," she whispered, pulling the sheet off Olivia's lap and putting the tray on her nightstand.

Olivia closed her eyes. "Alex, you know I have to work today. I need to get ready soon."

"Can't hurry love," Alex said, scooping up the rest of the whipped cream and disappearing between her legs.


	39. The Way That You Love

**Chapter 39: The Way That You Love**

The ring of the doorbell sounded throughout the apartment. Smiling, Alex thought, _She must've gotten off early_. She stopped unpacking groceries, left the kitchen, and ran to the door.

"Just a sec!" she yelled.

When she looked through the peephole, her stomach sank to see Robert. She quickly turned around and pressed her back against the door. _Shit! What should I do? I can't act like I'm not here because he probably heard me yell!_ Taking a deep breath, she turned back around and unlocked the door.

"Alex, where have you been?" Robert asked, taking it upon himself to walk in. "I haven't heard from you since Thursday!"

"I've been taking some me time."

"_Me_ time? I'm your boyfriend for crying out loud and you didn't even return my calls! I was worried sick about you!"

Alex folded her arms. "Robert, I am fully capable of taking care of myself."

Robert frowned. "I never said you weren't. But you couldn't even spare five minutes to let me know you were ok?"

"I had a lot of other stuff on my mind."

"Like what?" he demanded. "I never once crossed it?"

"Don't be selfish," she retorted.

"You're accusing me of being selfish when you're the one who isn't considering anyone's feelings but your own?"

Alex stared him down. "If this is all you came over for, there's the door," she declared, gesturing at it with one hand.

Robert sighed. "Listen, I don't want to argue, sweetie. I just thought we could have dinner together."

"Oh, a couple girlfriends are coming over," Alex lied. "We're having dinner."

Robert glared. "So you can plan dinner with your friends but can't talk to me for days? Shouldn't I take precedence in your life?"

Alex rolled her eyes. "I've known them for years and you a few months. I just feel like they can understand what I'm going through better."

"So why don't you help me understand instead of shutting me out?"

"Because with my friends, I don't have to explain anything. They already know."

Robert shook his head. "I can't believe you."

"And I can't believe you wouldn't respect my wishes to be alone!"

"You're not alone if you have friends coming over!"

"So I'm supposed to spend all my free time with you?"

"That's not what I'm saying and you know it. You're avoiding me."

"Because I knew you'd put unnecessary pressure on me—just like you're doing now!"

"So because I'm asking you a simple question, I'm pressuring you?"

"You're picking a fight and trying to get me to talk about things I don't feel like discussing!"

"You should be able to discuss these things with your boyfriend!"

"There are some things I don't want to relive," she said through gritted teeth.

"I have a right to know!"

Alex's mouth dropped open. "No, you don't! Just because we're living together doesn't mean I forfeited my right to privacy! I don't need old wounds reopened."

"Talking everything out is the only way you'll get past it."

Alex threw her hands up exasperatedly. "Oh, so you're my therapist now? You might want to stick to your day job."

"I don't have time for this," Robert said, heading for the door. With his hand on the knob, he turned back to look at her. "I'll see you when you get home—perhaps when I move from the bottom of your long list of priorities."

"Shut up, Robert!" Alex yelled, slamming the door behind him and locking it. _What a jerk!_ she thought.

She walked back to the kitchen and tried to clear her head. She wanted to focus on nothing but Olivia tonight and she didn't have time to be sidetracked by Robert of all people. She opened the refrigerator and took a long sip of water. She was determined that nothing would ruin her evening.

* * *

Elliot was pouring a cup of coffee when Olivia walked in. "Hey, I got it."

"Thanks," he responded. "Anything good?"

"Not really. Adam doesn't come from much," Olivia replied. "The dad works in a warehouse," she continued, following Elliot to the observation room, "the mom at a doughnut shop. Adam doesn't even have a sheet."

"That's what I thought," Elliot said.

"Then why'd you get me in here to check?" Olivia asked, somewhat annoyed.

"I just wanna know who this kid is."

"Usually we let the defense attorney dig up the sob story."

Elliot stopped at the one-way mirror and turned around. Trying to give a casual smile, he insisted, "No… Look, the more I know, the easier I can break him."

"He's a murderer. He killed Caroline Pereira to erase his debt."

Shaking his head, he turned away from looking at Adam through the mirror. "There's more to him than that." He started to go in the interrogation room.

"So what?" Olivia demanded, hands on her hips. Elliot turned back to look at her. She narrowed her eyes at him. She wanted him to admit that he was sympathizing with him because of their similar working class backgrounds.

Elliot said nothing. He went inside and shut the door.

Sighing, she turned around and left. When she got back to her desk, she pulled out her cell phone and dialed Alex.

Alex smiled to see her name on the display. "Hey, Liv."

"Hey. Are you at your place?"

"Yep," Alex answered. "You still at the station?"

"Yeah. I had to look up something for Elliot. I should be done here soon, though."

"Good," Alex responded. "I'll be waiting." When they hung up, she went upstairs to change out of her jeans and sweater into something more comfortable.

* * *

An hour later, Alex's doorbell rang again. She had just finished lighting the last of the candles. Blowing out the match, she went to the door. She was glad to look through the peephole and see Olivia.

"Hey, beautiful," she said, giving her a quick kiss on the lips as soon as the door closed.

"Hey, yourself," Olivia answered. She smiled when she saw that Alex was wearing nothing but a short lavender silk robe. "Perhaps I'm not appropriately dressed."

Alex grinned and ran a hand down her arm. "You look great."

Olivia followed her through the foyer and looked around the living room. The aroma of the candles floated lightly to her nostrils. "What's the special occasion?"

"You," Alex replied, pulling her to her for another kiss. She then took her hand and led her to the kitchen.

Olivia sat down at the island. "So what culinary delights will I get to enjoy tonight?"

Alex gave her a sly smile. "You sure you want the full list?"

Olivia smirked. "Maybe keep that last one to yourself."

"Who said it would be last?" Alex teased.

Olivia chuckled. "You have a dirty mind."

"Which you love." Alex poured a glass of Prosecco and handed it to her. "To wash away a stressful day."

The crisp, delicate sparkling wine awakened her palate as it flowed down her throat. "This is great, Alex."

"Thanks," she responded. She began finely chopping a couple sprigs of rosemary.

"What are we having?" Olivia asked.

"You'll see soon enough," Alex responded. She pushed the small pile to the side and chopped some shallots.

"Nice to watch the chef in action," Olivia said, taking another sip of wine.

"I'm much better at um, _other_ types of action," Alex replied, grinning deviously.

Olivia laughed and rolled her eyes. "Oh, don't I know."

Alex took a package out of the refrigerator. She opened the butcher paper to reveal lamb chops.

"Ooh, lamb!" Olivia said excitedly.

Alex grinned and seasoned them with salt and pepper. "Glad you like." She pulled out a pan and set it on the stove. After pouring some olive oil into it, she added the rosemary and lamb chops.

"That rosemary smells really good," Olivia said, getting off the stool and walking over to her.

"And it's perfect with lamb," Alex replied. After searing the chops on each side, she put them in a baking dish, covered them with foil, and placed them in the oven to stay warm.

Olivia hopped up on the counter. "So what's the next step, chef?"

"Making the sauce," Alex said, grinning and taking ingredients out of her cabinets. She unscrewed the cap of the honey. Olivia dipped a finger in and sucked it off.

"You like honey?" Alex asked.

"I _love_ it," Olivia answered.

"You know…there are a lot of uses for it," Alex replied. She pushed all the ingredients to the side except the honey.

Olivia noticed the feral look in her eyes and felt herself getting wet. Locking eyes with her, Alex pulled the sash of her robe and it easily fell open. She slid it back off her shoulders and let it fall to the floor. Tucking a hand in Olivia's jeans, she quickly pulled her forward. After unbuckling her belt, she pulled it through the loops and discarded it on the floor. She then unzipped her jeans and motioned for her to lift her hips. When she'd obliged, she pulled her pants and underwear down her legs.

She captured her mouth in a warm, sensuous kiss as she reached down to dip her fingers in the jar. Without breaking contact with her mouth, she spread a generous amount of honey all over her center. Olivia gave a long, loud moan at how good and smooth the sweet coating felt. Alex lifted up her sweater and bra. With the honey left on her fingers, she rubbed it on her taut nipples.

As Alex hungrily sucked her nipples, Olivia closed her eyes and reached forward to knead her breasts. Each time she pulled or squeezed her nipples, Alex sucked harder.

The succulent honey dripped from her sex onto the counter. Dipping her fingers between her warm folds, Alex picked up some of her honey-soaked wetness and traced the very tips of her fingers across Olivia's lips. She enveloped her mouth again before licking a sticky-sweet trail all the way to her sex.

Alex swirled her tongue over her folds to lap up some of the thick, gooey liquid. She then licked all around her clit. When she took her hardened nub into her mouth and sucked hard, Olivia threw her head back against the cabinets.

"You ok, sweetie?" Alex asked, pulling back and looking up at her.

"Never better," Olivia mumbled, pushing her face back between her legs.

Alex ravished her sex like there was no tomorrow. Then she thrust her tongue deep inside her opening, which was begging to be fucked. Tangling a hand in her hair, Olivia pressed her thighs against her cheeks and shouted in pleasure. She didn't even bother trying to contain herself because she knew she couldn't. Alex grabbed her ass and drove her sex on her tongue.

For a brief moment, Olivia wondered if Alex was going to get too carried away and her ass would fly straight off the counter. However, this thought quickly vanished as Alex's tongue delved deeper inside her tunnel.

Olivia's legs soon began trembling and Alex could feel the vibrations against her face. She let out a final scream and tightened her grip on her cheeks as her orgasm tore through her. Alex made sure not to miss a single drop of her delicious nectar as it rushed forward.

After licking her center clean, she stood up straight and kissed her intensely. Olivia sucked her tongue into her mouth, tasting the remnants of sweet honey mixed with her own juices.

"I think that's the most creative way I've ever used honey," Alex said with a grin.

"You sure know how to work up an appetite in a girl. I can't wait to eat."

"I can't either. But I just had the best appetizer in the world. I think the entrée will be hard to top that. By the way, I think you almost crushed my skull."

Olivia laughed and jumped down off the counter. "Sorry about that." She pulled up her jeans and underwear and pushed down her bra and sweater. She looked Alex up and down. "You're not gonna put back on your robe?"

Alex shrugged. "Why bother? It'll just come off again soon anyway."

"I don't think I'd be able to concentrate on eating if you're sitting in front of me in your birthday suit."

"Well, I'll put my robe back on when we start eating," Alex said, smiling and washing her hands. She then turned the burner back on, added the shallots to the pan, and sautéed them. "Baby, can you get the Shiraz?"

"Where is it?"

"It's in that wine rack in the middle of the island," Alex said, glancing over her shoulder. "Second to last bottle."

Olivia went over to the rack and pulled out the bottle of Shiraz. Before bringing it over to Alex, she took a moment to admire the shape of her perfect ass.

Alex could feel her eyes on her. Without turning around, she chuckled softly and said, "If you keep staring at my ass all night, I'll never get this sauce made."

Olivia laughed and brought the wine to her. "Good call, Cabot." Alex poured the wine in the pan, causing the contents to sizzle. "Careful. Remember, you don't have any protection for your skin."

Smiling, Alex added broth, balsamic vinegar, honey, and pomegranate molasses. Then she went to the refrigerator and cut off some butter to add to it all.

While she waited for the sauce to thicken, she chopped up some oregano, chard leaves, cauliflower, and a clove of garlic. Then she pulled out another pan and began sautéing them in a little olive oil.

"Need some help?" Olivia asked.

Alex shook her head. "I think I got it."

"Good to know you can multitask," Olivia joked, tasting the sauce. "Ooh, that pomegranate is really good."

Alex swatted her hand away. "Hey! No tasting before your meal!"

Olivia grinned. "What are the veggies for?"

"The couscous," Alex said simply. "That reminds me…" She grabbed a pot and quickly poured some broth in it to boil. Then she stirred the sauce.

"Sweetie, why don't you let me finish sautéing? Promise I won't eat anything."

Smirking, Alex said, "Ok, I trust you."

Olivia sautéed while Alex continued to stir the sauce. Even though she tried to concentrate on the contents of the pan, her eyes kept drifting to Alex's breasts, the nipples perky and tight. She involuntarily licked her lips. The spoon dropping to the floor snapped her out of reverie.

Alex looked over at her and grinned. "Technical difficulties, Liv?"

Olivia bent down to pick up the spoon and then threw it in the sink. She got a fresh one and pushed the vegetables around. "Oh, um, sorry. Kinda checked out for a sec."

Alex's grin spread. "Well, since I'm being too distracting, I'll put my robe back on," she responded, picking it up off the floor and slipping her arms into the sleeves.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "You're really enjoying this, aren't you?"

"Oh yeah!"

When the sauce reached the consistency she wanted, Alex turned off the burner and poured the couscous in the pot.

"Mmm…my mouth is watering so much right now," Olivia said.

"I'm taking that as a good sign."

"Very."

After the couscous had cooked, Alex poured it into the pan of vegetables and stirred everything together.

"Is it ready?" Olivia asked.

"Will be soon. Just a few more minutes." She turned down the heat a little.

"I'll get plates and silverware," Olivia said. "Want me to take the lamb out of the oven?"

"Sure," she replied, flashing a smile.

In a few minutes, the meal was complete. Alex scooped some couscous on each plate and placed a lamb chop next to it. She poured the sauce over the lamb and garnished the plates with a spring of rosemary. "Bon appétit, sweetie," she said, handing her a plate.

"Thank you," Olivia replied, heading for the dining room.

"Oh, Liv. Let's eat by the fireplace."

Olivia smiled. "All right." She followed Alex to the living room and they sat down in front of the fireplace.

Alex suddenly snapped her fingers. "I almost forgot the wine!" She ran out of the room.

Olivia looked around and breathed in the cozy, romantic ambiance. The soft glow of the candles and flames leaping behind the glass doors of the fireplace provided all the warmth and light they needed. The air was filled with a sense of peace and comfort.

Alex returned with two wine glasses and a bottle of Merlot. Pouring a little in each, she handed one to Olivia and held hers up in a toast. "To the sexiest, most magnificent woman on Earth."

"Thank you," Olivia said, clinking her glass against Alex's and drinking a sip. She cut into her lamb chop and took a bite. "Oh my god," she complimented, closing her eyes and savoring the taste. "Are you trying to give me another orgasm? This sauce is amazing!"

Alex grinned. "Not yet."

Olivia scooped some couscous up with her fork. "And this is really good, too. The chard adds great flavor. Not to mention that it makes it pretty."

Alex tasted a piece of her chop. "I must say these came out perfectly."

"Oh, yes! They are really tender and juicy."

"Thanks," Alex responded, eating some couscous. She washed it down with a swallow of wine.

"You're very welcome."

They ate silently for a few minutes and were content to just bask in each other's company. The mood was perfect and lighthearted.

"Would you like some more wine?" Alex asked, holding up the bottle.

"Just a little bit," Olivia replied.

When they had finished eating, she picked up their dishes and said, "Since you made such a wonderful meal, I'll go load these in the dishwasher."

"Oh Liv, you don't have to."

"But I want to," Olivia insisted. "Just sit tight." Upon her return, she asked, "So what do you want to do now?"

"How about just holding each other?" Alex said, moving over beside her and wrapping her arms around her waist. She laid her head on her shoulder.

Olivia sighed and stroked her hair. They stayed like that for the longest time. The only sounds other than those of the city were their soft breathing and the fire crackling.

Olivia eventually lifted Alex's head off her shoulder and stood up. "Just need to stretch my legs a bit," she explained.

Alex nodded and stood up, too. She followed Olivia over to the vast windows.

"I've always loved your view here," Olivia said. "You can see the entire city. It would be nice to have a place with floor-to-ceiling windows."

Alex slipped her hand under her sweater and caressed the small of her back. "Do you ever wonder what it would have been like to move in together?"

Olivia turned to her. At first she didn't anything. Alex noticed that a bit of sadness had glossed over her eyes. "Yeah," she finally answered.

"I do, too," Alex admitted. _Hopefully one day we can_, she thought. Not wanting to dampen the mood, she went over to her CD changer and put on Vanessa Williams. She turned the volume down so that it was just loud enough for them to hear but not high enough to distract them from focusing on each other. Walking back over to Olivia, she took her hand and linked their fingers together. "Come on," she said softly, jerking her head in the direction of the fireplace.

_It's just the way that you love_  
_You know you drive me crazy_  
_It's just the way that you love_  
_You know you drive me crazy_

As the singer's smooth, strong voice floated throughout the room, Alex pulled Olivia to her in a deep kiss. She tenderly held her face in her hands as Olivia rubbed her hands over her back. The silk of her robe felt sensual and exquisite beneath her fingertips.

_I've been waiting for this moment secretly_  
_Counting every minute, every hour, 'til you're with me_  
'_Cause I know just what's in store_  
_And now I'm in your arms, so baby close the door_

_Why waste another minute_  
_Ooh, let's get right to it_  
_Baby, turn the lights down_  
_We don't have to say a word_

_Unspoken pleasure, there's no way to measure_  
_How you make me feel when you're near me_  
_Whisper softly…_

Their lips temporarily parted so they could remove the other's clothing. Then they were soon once again lost in their kiss. Alex caressed Olivia's breasts and pushed her tongue deeper down her throat.

Without breaking their connection, Olivia placed her hands on Alex's shoulders and lowered them to their knees. She lay down in front of the fireplace and pulled her on top of her. Their bodies merged perfectly together, as if they were each other's missing piece.

_And it seems time flies whenever I'm in your arms_  
_I like to savor every second you thrill me with your charms_  
_Now I'm lost in the magic that we share_  
_When I look into your eyes, I know how much you care_

_Don't wanna rush the feeling, 'cause loving you's so real and_  
_Feel the satisfaction, you got me callin' out your name_  
_More than emotion, let's keep this fire going_  
_Now we're lost inside our love_  
_Sweet surrender, so tender…_

Alex placed light kisses all over her face while leaving feathery touches up and down her arms. She licked the spot behind her ear, causing her to moan louder. Her nipples brushed hers, sending shivers through both of them and making their wetness spread.

She started slowly grinding her center into Olivia's, using her tongue to make the same motions inside her mouth that her hips were making below. They easily fell into each other's rhythm. Breasts caressed breasts, stomach caressed stomach, clit caressed clit.

_Ooh, you know me oh so well_  
_You always take your time, you always get it right_  
_You set my soul on fire_  
_And I know you've got my rhythm 'cause you take me higher_

Olivia rolled them over so that she was on top. Alex wrapped her arms around her and held on tight; she never wanted to let go. Olivia broke their kiss to allow them both air and then brushed her lips over her neck. Coming back up, she nipped her earlobe. Alex moaned in pleasure and pressed their breasts tighter together to magnify the sensations. As Olivia continued to slide her center into hers, she stared into her blue eyes and saw nothing but pure love. Alex saw the same emotion reflected back.

_It's just the way that you love_  
_Don't you stop_  
_You know you drive me crazy_  
_Don't waste time, baby_  
_Don't stop…_

_Don't you stop, don't you stop_  
_You know you've got the rhythm_  
_You've got the rhythm, baby_  
_You've got the rhythm, baby_

Olivia smiled down at her and their lips joined again. She would move her hips faster to increase the friction and then slower, driving them to the precipice of orgasm and taking them back just before they flew over. She gasped each time she felt Alex's inner folds squeeze her slick, engorged clit. They could each feel white hot energy pulsing and radiating inside them, threatening to consume them. When it had risen to the brim, Olivia left her mouth and looked into her eyes again.

With that silent communication they came together, screaming and surrendering their pleasure to each other. Once their bodies had stopped shuddering, Alex pressed her lips hard against Olivia's in a smothering kiss.

Olivia scooted down her body a little and laid her head on her chest. She didn't know what the future held, but she did wish that they could stay in that moment forever.

Alex kissed her forehead and stroked her hair. Even though she knew they weren't a couple, she knew their hearts had never left each other and she felt an indescribable closeness that could not be surpassed by any other human being. But she was tired of not being in a relationship with her anymore, tired of denying both of them what they wanted, no, _needed_. She made up her mind. She was going to leave Robert. She thought about telling her right then and there, but she didn't want her to think that she was making a rash decision or one that was a result of post-coital bliss. Besides, she decided that it would be good for her to take a couple days to sort things out to make sure she didn't falter. She only hoped that Olivia would agree to take her back…


	40. Great Expectations

**Chapter 40: Great Expectations**

"How was your weekend?" Serena asked as she sat down on the sofa.

"Wonderful! It was the best weekend of my life," Alex said, slipping out of her heels and resting her feet on the ottoman.

Serena folded her arms and smirked. "So how many times did you and Liv have sex?"

Alex balked. "Uh, we didn't…I mean, it's not like we…" She saw that Serena wasn't buying it. "Ok, so we did. But how did you know?"

"Because you say that every single time you and Liv have sex," Serena replied with a shit-eating grin.

Alex blushed. "I can't help if she's the best lover on Earth."

Serena cocked her head. "Hey now, you're getting a little ahead of yourself."

Alex grinned. "What can I say? She's magnetic."

"Which is why you always keep going back to her," Serena said.

"Speaking of going back…" Alex began. She folded her hands in her lap. "Mike's death just shed light on so many things I'd lost sight of, like cherishing the ones you love instead of running away from them. I want to be back with Liv."

Serena's eyes got wide. "Really?"

"Yes," Alex confirmed. "I don't wanna be without her in my life any longer."

"So when are you gonna tell her?" Serena asked, holding out a plate of sweet rolls.

Alex shook her head and held up a hand to politely decline. "Tomorrow night when I see her."

"What about Robert?"

"I'm breaking up with him."

Serena's mouth dropped open. "Seriously?"

"Yes," Alex answered again.

Serena smiled. "Well, it's good to have the old Alex back. So when did you decide this?"

"Last night," Alex replied. "I made dinner for her then we cuddled by the fireplace…"

"You mean _made love_ by the fireplace."

Alex laughed and rolled her eyes. "What are you? A fly on my wall?"

"I just know you too well," Serena replied with a smirk.

"I'll have you know it was both."

"Figures," she replied, taking a bite of a sweet roll. "When was the last time you saw Robert?"

Alex rolled her eyes again, this time in disgust. "Yesterday. He stopped by my place."

Serena's eyes grew wide again. "When Liv was there?"

Alex shook her head. "No, thank God. It was before she came."

"What'd he want?"

"To piss me off," Alex said, frowning at the recollection. "He basically wanted to know why I hadn't returned his calls and why I wouldn't open up to him. He had the nerve to tell me he had a right to know my intimate thoughts because I'm his girlfriend." Bitterness hung on the last word.

Her best friend regarded her with concern. "That sounds a bit controlling, Alex."

"Tell me about it," she muttered.

"Did you tell Olivia he was there?"

Alex leaned back in the armchair a bit. "No. I didn't want to ruin the mood. I also didn't want her to leave."

"You think she would've?"

"Maybe. I wasn't about to take a chance. She doesn't like him."

Serena chuckled. "Well, that's to be expected. Would _you_ like the guy who's dating the love of your life?"

"I know. It's been so hard to get her to open up to me again and I'm afraid knowing he was there would've made those walls go back up just as quickly as they'd come down."

"Well, as long as he's not mentioned and you don't see him, you can kinda pretend he doesn't exist."

"Sometimes I wish he didn't," Alex murmured. "I think about how different things would be if I'd never met him."

Serena smiled and crossed her legs. "You can thank your brother for that."

Alex scoffed. "I'm never letting Victor talk me into dating one of his friends again."

"That would be wise—especially considering how they are all men."

"Victor would die if he knew I was a lesbian."

"It would be nice to live in a world free of homophobia."

"Yep. I never would've slept with a man because I wouldn't have had a reason to not be true to myself."

"Me either," Serena agreed.

"It would've been so wonderful to just be with women all my life. I could've saved myself a lot of unhappiness."

Serena shrugged. "Yeah…but everything happens for a reason, I guess. If you'd been out when you met Liv, you may have never dated her because you could've been in a long-term relationship with another woman."

"Well, there were many women I found beautiful and would've been interested in dating had I not been closeted. I used to get crushes on chicks and I even had feelings for a couple I slept with in undergrad and law school. But I've only ever felt this way about her. From the moment I saw her I knew something was different."

Serena grinned. "I know something changed about you after you started SVU. You seemed happier and more relaxed. There was a glow about you. Not to mention that you really started going that extra mile for the victims instead of just blazing a political warpath."

Alex sighed. "Yeah…even before Liv and I started dating, just seeing her would brighten my day. She has this charisma about her that just captures you and never lets go."

"You've got it bad, woman."

A goofy smile danced at Alex's lips. "Yep."

* * *

"Evan is willing to plead guilty to manslaughter right now if you'll move this to juvenile court," his lawyer argued the next morning.

"We _can't_ do that," Alex insisted.

"He's 14 for God's sake," he replied.

"We've been through this," Jim said.

"He'll do five years in a juvenile facility where he can continue his education and seek counseling," the defense attorney responded.

Jim put his documents back in their manila folder. "Anything else?" he asked, standing up.

"Yeah, why the hell are we even trying this case in the first place?" Evan's father demanded.

"Excuse me?" Jim asked.

"What happened to my son, it's my problem, my loss," his father replied. "Not yours. Not your boss's. Mine. So why not just leave it alone?"

"That's not how it works, Mr. Foye. I'm sorry," Jim explained.

"I'm the father," Mr. Foye said through gritted teeth. "I've already lost one son. I'm not about to lose another," he continued, getting up. He patted Evan on the shoulder. "Come on, son. Let's go."

"Adult crime, adult time," Alex said to Jim as soon as Evan Foye, his father, and his attorney left her office. She looked up over her shoulder at him. "Office policy."

"You mean office politics," Jim said pointedly, gathering his files under his arm so he could leave, too.

"What's the difference?" Alex muttered disenchantingly, shaking her head. She closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. It was certainly easier to employ the policy in theory than in practice. After he closed the door to her office, she stood up from the table and went over to her desk. Pulling her phone out of her purse, she called Olivia.

"Benson" came the smooth, familiar voice.

"Hey, you busy right now?"

Olivia held the phone between her ear and shoulder and scribbled some notes on a pad. "Not too much. What's up?"

"I was just wondering what time you think you'll be home tonight."

"Oh…probably around 9," Olivia replied, taking a sip of coffee. "I have a couple errands to run after I get off. Why? You wanna come over?"

Alex smiled. "That I do."

"Ok. How 'bout I give you a call a bit later?"

"That'll be fine. Talk to you soon," Alex said softly.

"Bye," Olivia replied. A smile slowly spread across her lips. She hadn't wanted to admit it, but she was getting used to Alex's company again and looking forward to each time she saw her. _Can it be that we really are starting over again?_ she hoped.

Elliot slapped her on the back on the way to his desk. "What's got you so excited, partner?"

Olivia shook her head and immersed herself in a case file. "Oh um…it's nothing."

"The combination of that smile and that bullshit answer means it's none other than Alex Cabot."

Olivia sighed and looked up. "Do we have to do this again?"

"Yep," Elliot replied, grinning at her over his cup of coffee. "So I take it you went over to Alex's last week after all?"

"You could say that."

"How is she?"

Olivia flashed a smile. "She's good. We saw each other the past few days."

"You spent the night together every night, didn't you?"

"What's it to you?" Olivia asked.

"Hey, it was just a question…"

"Elliot, I'm not giving you details of my sex life," Olivia whispered harshly.

"Aha!" Elliot exclaimed, pointing a finger at her. "Thanks for proving my point."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "You just don't let up, do you?"

"I just like to see my partner happy. That's all," he said with a smile. "Whatever went on between you two, I can tell it was good."

_Let's just hope it stays that way_, Olivia thought.


	41. Full Circle

**Chapter 41: Full Circle**

Olivia opened her door to find Alex standing there with flowers. "Good evening," she said with a bright smile, holding the bouquet out to her.

Olivia took the flowers and motioned for her to come in. "What're these for?"

"Well…I have something important I want to talk to you about," Alex replied.

"Ok, so spill," Olivia said, sitting on the couch.

After taking off her coat, Alex sat down next to her and turned to face her. "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately."

"Ok…" Olivia began.

"And I want to be with you again."

Olivia's eyes widened. "You do?"

"Yes," Alex answered.

Olivia let out a laugh. "So what happened? This whole thing with Mike gave you some sort of epiphany?"

Alex took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. "Yes, it did."

"Um, wow…this is a lot to take in," Olivia said softly. She looked down at the flowers in her hand and continued, "Let me go put these in some water." Alex nodded.

After she'd put them in a vase, she sat back down beside her and asked, "Are you sure about this?"

"Yes."

"It sounds good in theory, Alex, but can you really put it into practice? You're still dating Robert."

"Liv, I'm going to leave him."

"But you moved in with him."

"And I can move out!" Alex argued.

Olivia was silent for a few moments. "And you're 100 percent sure of this?" she asked again.

"Yes," Alex insisted, leaning in to brush Olivia's lips with her own.

Olivia placed a hand on Alex's face and returned the kiss. But before she got completely lost under her spell, she pulled back and looked down. "I just don't think we've had enough time apart. If we get back together now, we'll be rushing into things and I don't want either of us to have any regrets," she explained.

Alex lifted her chin. "Olivia, the only regret I have is breaking up with you in the first place. If I hadn't done that, then none of all this other horrible stuff would've ever happened and neither of us would be suffering so much."

Olivia sighed. "Well, we can't change the past."

Alex stroked her cheek lovingly. "But we _can_ change the future. If you want me, I'm yours."

Despite her hesitation, Olivia felt her heart leap at Alex's proposition. "Ok. What should we do to celebrate?"

Alex was ecstatic. She felt like she'd finally found her way again. "You can start by helping me move my stuff back home," she said, leaning in to kiss her once more. "Then we can have our own little private celebration. I promise I will make it worth your while," she added, a twinkle in her eye.

Olivia ran a hand down her arm and looked happily into her eyes. "Well, I was thinking about something a little less private. I know you have to give that speech at the Crime Prevention Commission's fundraiser on Sunday night. It would be nice if we could go together," she said, smiling at her. She picked up her hand and started stroking it. "You know, as a couple."

Alex looked down at the motions of her fingers. "Uh…I don't know about that. That's a little too fast."

Olivia's entire face fell. She shook her head and dropped Alex's hand. "I knew this was too good to be true."

Shame colored Alex's cheeks. "Liv, I didn't mean it like that."

"Then what did you mean it like?"

"Just that a little discretion to start would be nice. We don't have to do everything at once."

"To _start_?" Olivia asked, moving back from her on the sofa. "We've been discreet since 2001! It's more than time to step it up a notch!"

"Branch is going to be at that fundraiser along with the Chief of D's and several other very important members of the force and DA's office."

Olivia stood up. "Oh, and none of them are as important as I am, huh?"

Alex's mouth dropped open. "That's not what I'm saying and you know it!"

Olivia walked behind the sofa. "I think you've said enough already. You don't want your girlfriend cramping your style. Hate for all those important homophobes to think any less of you for being gay."

Alex turned around to face her and frowned. "You're blowing this out of proportion!"

"Am I? Don't think so. You want to impress all the political and moneyed bigwigs, and you're afraid a lesbian relationship will compromise your precious future and reputation."

"All I'm asking for is discretion," Alex said, desperately trying to convince her so she could keep her love life and career afloat. "I'm not saying I'm going to go to functions and pretend I'm dating some guy anymore."

"Oh, why not, Alex?" Olivia asked sardonically, starting to pace back and forth in front of the window. "You love to pretend! It's your favorite pastime! That's why you sleep with men and now have set up house with one!"

Alex realized Olivia was just speaking out of hurt and anger, but she didn't know how much more she could take without losing her cool. "Why can't you just meet me halfway on this? Why does it have to be all or nothing?"

Olivia stopped in her tracks. Her eyes burned into Alex's. "I told you before that I couldn't handle discretion anymore. We have to act like any other couple, which means you can't be in the closet. If others can be open with their relationships, I want to be open with mine, too."

"We can be open in private. As long as we know we love each other, we don't have to prove anything to anyone else."

"It's not about proving anything to anyone. It's about not being ashamed of our love. Besides, it's the discretion that has always caused problems in our relationship. What happens the next time someone finds out about us? Are you gonna freak out and dump me just like you did when Donnelly saw us kissing?"

Alex looked down. "Liv…"

"Your hesitation was all I needed," Olivia replied coldly.

A tear rolled down Alex's cheek. She got up and stood in front of her. Grabbing her hands, she pleaded, "I just wanna be with you."

Olivia looked down at their joined hands and sadly wondered if it would be the last time. After a moment, she looked back into her eyes. She felt herself tearing up. She inhaled deeply to try to hold them back. "I know and I wanna be with you, too. But you're not saying anything new. You've always wanted to be with me, even when you were with others. I'm not questioning your desire. I question if you are actually _able_ to be with me and stay with me. You know the road to hell is paved with good intentions."

"Liv, can't I get a little more credit now?"

"Alex—"

"This is because of Zoe, isn't it?" Alex accused, dropping her hands.

Olivia's jaw dropped. "What? No! Where'd you get that?"

"Then if it's not her, why aren't you willing to give me another chance?" Alex demanded, not bothering to brush away the warm tears trailing down her cheeks.

"Because you've broken my heart, Alex!" Olivia yelled, turning red. "I can't keep going through that."

"You think I ever purposely wanted to break your heart?"

"No, but I do think you've been very selfish."

"Selfish? Liv, I just told you I'm leaving Robert for you! So how am I being selfish when I'm getting rid of something that only serves to benefit me? Not only is he the perfect New York socialite, but he can also use his power and connections to double my chances of succeeding in politics!"

Olivia glared at her. "Am I supposed to be honored that you're picking me over this fine epicurean socialite?" she asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "You only wanna dump Robert now because you are thinking about your needs with me. Then if you think people are about to find out about our relationship, you'll break my heart because you'll only be thinking about _your_ needs again."

"That's not true!" Alex cried. She looked off to the side. "I thought you'd be happy I was leaving him."

"And why is that?" Olivia asked.

"Dumping him eliminates a huge problem! I don't have to sneak around with you behind his back anymore and you don't have to see me with anyone else."

"You're not getting it!" Olivia shouted, throwing her hands up. "He's a complication, but he's never been the source of the problem."

"So you're afraid that if we're together, I'll run off and later hook up with some other guy?"

"It's not about you running off and getting with some guy, it's about you running off, _period_. When you broke my heart in July and then again in August, it wasn't because of a guy! It was because you were afraid of being outed. We cannot come full circle."

"What do you mean?" Alex asked painfully.

"When you first returned to Manhattan, we started dating again without any outsiders. Now we'd just be repeating that and things would work fine until we slipped up and someone caught us in a compromising position. Then the drama and heartache would start all over again. None of that would happen if we just didn't give a damn and weren't trying to hide our relationship in the first place."

"Why don't I just wear an 'I'm a lesbian' t-shirt and make out with you on every street corner?" Alex snapped. "Would that be easier for you?"

Olivia glared again. "Drop it. I never expected you to frolic down the halls of One Hogan Place with me and sing that you're a lesbian. All I ever wanted was that if worst came to worst, you'd stand by my side through the crossfire and you can't promise me that. Alex, I won't continue being your dirty little secret. I deserve better than that."

Alex crossed the room and put back on her coat. "Well, if you think you deserve so much better, then I won't waste your time anymore. Goodbye." She grabbed her purse and stormed out the door.

"Arggh!" Olivia yelled out, slamming her fist on the sofa table. Her frustration echoed throughout her apartment. She was tired of this tug-of-war that was constantly going on between them. Every time something brought them closer together, something else tore them apart again. She wasn't sure if they'd ever get a break. _Maybe it's just not meant to be_, she thought, the tears silently flowing down her cheeks.


	42. Sæglópur

Author's Notes: If you're going to leave me nasty reviews, have the balls to post under your real username instead of being a coward and creating a new account (Yes, "ochocinco/phantomrevieweroflyubov," I am referring to you). Also, I am one of those authors who knows canon like the back of her hand. I have every single SVU and Conviction episode. I have included over 100 references from SVU, Conviction, and Law & Order in this story. I include even the smallest canon details, from the name of a painting on Olivia's wall to Alex's office door number/yoga mat on Conviction. I also include little things in conversation (such as Munch calling Alex "Teflon" in 2.05 Baby Killer). Alex does use "fractional words" so if you're going to correct me, you better damn well be right in what you're saying, and "ochocinco," you're dead wrong.

In 2.07 Asunder she tells Munch, "No, wanna force her hand a little." In 6.16 Ghost, she tells Elliot, "I know, but who else is gonna get you out of trouble?" It is also written exactly like that in the official production version of the Ghost script (which you can find online if you doubt what I'm saying or have a hearing problem; it's a pdf file). Then in Conviction 1.02 Denial, Alex tells Steele, "All right. Offer him man one. But he's gotta do real time, eight years minimum." I could give other examples, too, but why bother? I've proven my case. Repeating over and over that she would never say them when she already has done so is completely ridiculous.

To the rest of you, I thank you for your reviews and constructive criticism. I also thank you for taking the time and effort to read my story and understand it. Sorry for the rant, but I put countless hours and research into my story and it offends me when people create accounts just to attack something I've worked very hard on or for the sole purpose of telling me how disinterested they are. My story is very calculated; I even have a detailed timeline for it. There are 13 total Conviction episodes and I am strictly following canon. Right now, I am only on the second episode ("Denial") in my story, so there is still much more time for character development and other modes of progress. Those of you familiar with Conviction canon know that it represents a character regression for Alex in multiple ways and does show her acting out of character at some points, so I have to get through all that in order for her to turn it around and progress. It won't happen overnight either. I have specific reasons for developing things the way they are now and I haven't fallen asleep at the wheel. This story **will** have a happy ending. :)

* * *

**Chapter 42: Sæglópur (Lost at Sea)**

Serena was in her bedroom reading when her doorbell sounded. Taking off her glasses, she got out of bed and made her way to the door. "Just a sec!" She opened it to find Alex standing there looking like someone had ripped her heart out. "What's wrong, sweetie?" she asked, stepping aside.

Alex came in and took a seat on the sofa. She didn't even bother removing her coat. "It's Liv."

Serena rushed to her side and put an arm around her. "What happened?"

"We had a fight," Alex answered.

"About what?"

"The same thing we always do—the fact that I'm not out."

Serena rubbed her back sympathetically. "How did it start?"

"I told her I was leaving Robert and that I wanted to be back with her. She started questioning me to make sure I was sure about everything. Then she finally agreed."

"So then how did things turn sour?"

"She told me she wanted to celebrate by going as my date to the fundraiser for the Crime Prevention Commission."

"The one on Sunday?"

"Yeah. I told her that was too fast and I was uncomfortable with it. I said we should be more discreet. She told me she wasn't going to do discretion anymore." She shook her head. "Serena, there I was practically throwing myself at her…" she sobbed.

Serena grabbed a couple tissues and gave them to her. "Take your time."

"She was furious," Alex continued after she'd had a few minutes to compose herself. "She accused me of thinking she was less important than those who are going to be at the fundraiser and of being ashamed of our relationship. She thought that if we hid things, someone would eventually discover us and it would cause me to freak out and leave her like I made the mistake of doing before. I hate so much that this happened tonight. In a few days time, we went from being in paradise to complete hell. I was so excited that for a split second she was my girlfriend again. It was like everything was going to be ok. Life can be really cruel."

"I'm sorry, Alex."

Alex balled up a tissue in her hand. "She's so afraid I'll break her heart again but I just wish she'd give me another chance. I never intended to hurt her. She said I only think about my needs and she won't be my dirty little secret anymore. You know…I've always known I wanted her but I kept coming up with all these reasons why I couldn't have her. Now when I'm finally ready to cast them all aside and just be with her, she doesn't wanna be with _me_!" she exclaimed, going into a fresh fit of sobs.

Serena patted her back. "It'll be ok, honey."

Alex sniffled. "I doubt it. The last thing she said to me was that she deserved better. I got so mad that I just left. I couldn't believe she'd say something like that to me. I mean, I wrote her a letter last year where I basically told her the same thing. But it's one thing to think badly of yourself and another to hear the one you love echo those sentiments. I felt like a knife was grinding into my heart."

Serena squeezed her shoulder. "I firmly believe everything has a time and a place. Perhaps now just isn't the time for you two. But it doesn't mean that it will never happen."

"No, this is it. She'll never want anything to do with me again. I might as well just cut my losses and stay with Robert."

"Staying with Robert isn't helping you be true to yourself. It's doing just the opposite."

"Why should I be true to myself if the love of my life won't have me?"

"You need to do it for _you_. The longer you stay in the closet, the unhappier you will be. You'll convince yourself you can still be happy being someone you're not, but each time you see a gay couple, you'll wish you had followed your heart. You'll begin to resent yourself and resent Robert for what could've been. In a way, you already do."

Alex let out an agonizing sigh. "I get what you're saying, but I think it will just be easier for me to live a normal life. No strange looks, no one whispering about what a pervert I am, no alienation from my family or any friends, no one trying to thwart my career efforts because they think a lesbian is bad representation. I'm not ready to come out and I don't think anyone should try to force me out, which is exactly what Liv wants. Everyone thinks they know what's better for me than I do."

Serena realized that it was useless trying to argue with her. She forced a smile and rubbed her knee. "I'll get you a glass of water."

While her best friend was in the kitchen, Alex reflected over everything that had happened. She couldn't believe it. Here she was, lost at sea without a compass again, the harsh waves of her reality threatening to consume her. Like a storm troubling the ocean in the middle of the night, the darkness in her soul returned. She didn't understand how things could go downhill so fast. Now she was faced with two choices—become shipwrecked or take hold of the wheel and steer her life in the best direction of only bad ones.

But she wasn't going to let this bother her at work. The next day she planned to put on her game face like always and act like nothing was wrong in her life. Sulking about her love life wasn't going to get the bureau any convictions. She would go back to having the attitude she had when she decided to move in with Robert and she couldn't afford to backslide on her self-transformation again.

* * *

Alex took her key out of her purse. She stood there for a few moments, thankful that she didn't have to go back to her old apartment, which she knew would only remind her of Olivia and drown her in grief. Taking a deep breath, she unlocked the door. She knew that once she crossed that threshold, she would have to live as someone different again. And she was prepared for that.

The apartment was shrouded in darkness. Turning on the light to the staircase, she made her way upstairs and opened the bedroom door. Robert was there fast asleep. She changed into her nightgown and slipped in beside him. After wrapping her arm around him, she kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear, "I'm sorry."

To her surprise, without opening his eyes, he stirred and answered, "I know."


	43. Null and Void

**Chapter 43: Null and Void**

The next morning it seemed as if Alex's alarm went off too soon. With a groan, she threw back the covers and dragged herself out of bed. Robert mumbled, "Sweetie, what time is it?"

"6:30," Alex replied, stifling a yawn. She shivered. "I can't wait until the weather warms up."

Robert got out of bed and walked over to her. He took her in his arms and placed a kiss on her lips. "I'll go downstairs and put on a pot of coffee while I'm reading the paper. I'll have a cup waiting for you by the time you finish with your shower."

"Thanks, honey," Alex replied, stroking his cheek and smiling. She walked into the bathroom and shut the door. She stood over one of the sinks and placed her hands flat on the smooth granite countertop. As she looked in the mirror, she realized that just 24 hours ago she had been standing in the same position in her old apartment. Now instead of feeling excitement and hope about having Olivia as her girlfriend again, she just felt empty and sad.

She turned the faucet on and splashed warm water on her face, hoping it would not just warm her skin but also her spirit. The water dripped off her face but she still felt cold. She dropped her nightgown to the floor and stepped into the shower. Maybe that would do the trick. She turned the handles and hoped the hot spray would wash away the emptiness and the dull ache she felt inside. She knew that ache, that longing was for Olivia and if she was to move on with her life, it couldn't be there.

Each time she went back on her plans to stay away from Olivia, it made things that much more difficult for her. But this time it was ten times harder because she'd taken a much greater step in detaching herself from Olivia by moving in with Robert and she'd attached herself to her over the past few days even more than she had previously. She'd emoted things to Olivia about her feelings on Mike's death and her own traumas that she refused to tell Robert. She had also told Olivia that she got tired of running from herself, she made her miss being herself, and that Robert didn't compare to her. With those admissions, she now felt even guiltier about living this lie again. Furthermore, she'd made her new life with Robert null and void with not only those statements but all the events of the weekend, so she felt like she'd have to start from scratch again. _What hold does this woman have on me?_ Alex thought, shaking her head as she soaped her skin. If things had worked as planned, she would've left Robert in a heartbeat and she'd be in Olivia's arms now. Then later in the evening, they'd be cuddling together with warm mugs of tea and telling each other about their respective days as they planned their future together. She sighed heavily. In such a short period of time, she'd gained and lost so much. Olivia had taken her to new heights so crashing back to the ground so suddenly would only steepen her climb to recovery. Now she knew she would have to depend on work more than ever to change her focus. If she couldn't have control over her personal life she'd exercise it the one place she knew she did—the office.

* * *

"So you think the jury will buy the abuse story?" she asked Jim as they walked out of the elevator that morning onto the 7th floor. She scanned her card and walked through the turnstiles.

"Depends on how good of a liar the father is," Jim said, scanning his and following a few paces behind her.

"Well even if he's a pro it doesn't take the bloody bat out of the kid's hands."

"He's 14 and weighs 100 pounds, Alexandra. My guess is the jury won't be inclined to send this kid to prison for the rest of his life."

Alex smirked. "The jury or the prosecutor?" she asked, stopping outside the breakroom.

Jim had turned his head to look at Jessica as she walked across the floor of the breakroom but he turned his attention back to Alex. "I'm ready to take this all the way."

Alex glanced inside at Jessica before answering. She wondered if they had something going on. "All right, offer him man one." She pointed her finger at him and said, "But he's gotta do _real time_, eight years minimum."

"All right. I'll make the deal," Jim responded.

"All right, see ya," Alex said, walking off. She greeted people on the way to her office. Looking at her watch, she wondered where her assistant was. She had a number of things for her to do and she couldn't afford to get a late start and be behind schedule because of her. Almost as soon as she'd had time to unlock her door, put down her briefcase, and hang up her coat, her desk phone started ringing. Instead of sighing, she strangely found the loud pitch comforting. She knew there would be many long days ahead, but she was refreshed with new vigor and more than prepared to take on whatever was thrown her way.

* * *

By Friday, things had seemed to mellow out a bit in Alex's personal life. Apologizing to Robert for their fight had eliminated considerable tension in their relationship and the atmosphere at home was lighter. He had reverted to the charming nature he exhibited when they had first started dating. He'd even had dinner waiting for her when she got home the past couple nights.

However, work was another story. The pressure at the office was not letting up and things had been particularly hectic since she'd lost one of her deputy bureau chiefs. The bureau was already loaded with cases and even more were piling in. One in particular had stuck out in her mind all week long—and that was the case of Evan Foye, who was being tried for killing his older brother for incessantly bullying him. The reason it was hard to shake was because it reminded her of a case she had tried while at SVU.

"You ready for your closing?" she asked Jim that morning. "I know, I know. It's a tough one."

"Tough? Are you kidding me? This 'A' student, ex-cub scout is a damn assassin. New York will _definitely_ be a safer place without ol' Evan Foye skulking in the shadows," he snapped sarcastically.

"You did everything you could—"

"Don't worry, I'll get _us_ a conviction."

Alex frowned. "That is not what I'm saying!"

"Of course it is," Jim accused, stepping toward her. He lowered his voice, "It's why you wouldn't let me kick this to juvie, right?"

Alex threw her head to the side in annoyance and let out a low, "Ugh."

Jim continued, "Because someday you wanna talk about what a hardass prosecutor you were, how you had to make the tough decisions, how you gave no quarter—"

"It's _office policy_," Alex argued.

"Subject to the bureau chief's discretion," Jim retorted, holding up his index finger.

"He killed his brother!" She looked around and then turned back to him. "With a bat! What should we do? Throw him a parade?"

Jim laughed scornfully. "Do you actually believe what you say or do you just like hearing yourself say it?"

"Both," Alex responded, grinning wickedly. "That's why _I'm_ the boss." She turned around and walked off, feeling quite pleased with herself. She knew it just fueled his anger, but she didn't care because she didn't have time for his shenanigans again. Last week he had accused her of selling him out on the deal with Escobar, which is the same thing she'd accused her former boss Charlie Philips of doing in the case of Elias Barrera. Now this week he had the nerve to challenge her authority again. But it was ironic how the roles were reversed for the second time in a row.

As odd as it was, she knew Jim was right, just like she'd been right about Jeremy Brice, another juvenile who had been involved in a murder. She could tell herself that Evan was more culpable for the murder than Jeremy was, but the fundamentals of the cases remained the same. Just like Jim had wanted Evan to be tried as a juvenile instead of an adult, she had wanted to do the same for Jeremy and had adamantly opposed Liz Donnelly and the DA's decision. She had even gone so far as asking Liz how much of a sycophant she had to be in the new administration, and now she realized she had become the type of person she formerly hated. When Jim had pointed out that it was subject to her discretion, she could hear Liz's voice in her head: _…we prosecute juveniles at the discretion of the district attorney. He made the call, you do your job._ She was forced to participate in the prosecution of Jeremy as an adult, so Jim would have to follow orders under her command that he didn't want to do as well.

She knew the differences in her behavior and logic now as opposed to then all came with the territory of being promoted to bureau chief and playing the political game. When Liz later felt guilty about destroying Jeremy on the stand and Alex had told her she'd done her job, Liz had said: _Careful, Alex. You're beginning to sound like me—disillusioned before your time_. After all she'd been through and witnessed, that certainly rang true now. But that was just it—she had become so accustomed to doing her job as chief, as a Cabot, and as a politically-minded woman instead of just following her conscience.

Once she returned to her office, her eye caught the painting Olivia had given her for Christmas. She couldn't stop her heart from dropping a little in her chest. There the painting hang, a reminder of the happiness she'd so recently shared with a woman she felt she'd lost for good. She remembered how excited she'd been when she'd taken the wrapping off and first laid eyes on it. It had been the perfect ending to an absolutely magical evening. Now they may never share another Christmas Eve again.

She shook herself out of her thoughts and sat down at her desk to check her email. She was glad her back was now facing the painting. But even though she couldn't see it, she could feel it looming in the background just like her memories of Olivia, of what her life once was. Still, she couldn't bear to take it down. It was one of the few emblems of their love that she hadn't tucked away somewhere in her old apartment and she secretly liked having this particular connection to her in her office. Besides, there was something very special about the last gifts she'd received from her and she didn't want the memories behind the painting or yoga mat to ever evanesce.

* * *

"Liv, what's up with you?" Elliot asked in the squad car.

"Nothing," she lied.

"Come on," Elliot prodded. "You've been broody since the middle of the week. Before that you were on top of the world. What gives?"

"Certainly not Alex," she mumbled.

Elliot furrowed his brow. "What do you mean?"

"She wanted to be back with me, but she still wants us to keep our relationship a secret."

"You've done it before, so what's the problem?"

"That's _exactly_ the problem. I've done it before and I am determined not to do it again. She has to give a little, too."

"So you want her to out herself and potentially ruin her career?"

"I should be more important to her than her career," Olivia snapped.

"You don't think you're being a bit selfish?"

"Each time we've been together, I've put up with her terms and agreed to stay in the closet. It's time she agrees to mine now."

"Why don't the two of you compromise?"

"Compromise is kinda hard when she doesn't want to take any steps toward coming out."

"Maybe she'll get there over time."

"Well, I've been waiting forever. I even asked her if we could go to the Crime Prevention Commission dinner on Sunday. She immediately panicked."

"Liv…that's big."

"It's not like she suggested an alternative," Olivia muttered.

"Well, try putting yourself in her shoes. She has a lot on the line," Elliot replied. "She has to be scared."

Olivia took a sip of her coffee and turned to face him. "You don't think I'm scared of having my heart trampled again?"

Elliot sighed. "I know you are. I'm just saying that you both have to look at it from the other's point of view."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "I'm done allowing her to play ping-ping with my emotions. I'm just gonna cut my losses."

Elliot leaned back in the driver's seat and looked out the window. "Well, you have to decide what's a greater sacrifice of your happiness—dating Alex in the closet or not having her at all."

"Not dating her cuts a lot of stress outta my life."

Elliot turned his head and looked at her concernedly. "You sure about that?"

Olivia avoided his question and pointed at a guy through the glass. "Hey, I think that's our perp. Let's get a move on."

Elliot studied her for a couple more seconds and then cranked the car back up. Pulling away from the curb, he said, "Don't give up."

Olivia mumbled something under her breath and took another sip of coffee. She wondered if Zoe would be free that weekend…


	44. If Wishes Were Horses

**Chapter 44: If Wishes Were Horses**

On Monday morning, Jim looked up and saw Jessica walking in. He immediately capped the dry-erase marker and walked up to her. "Hi," he said as they walked toward each other.

"Hey," Jessica said back. He put an earring into her hand. "Uh, what are you doing?" she asked.

Grinning, he explained, "I found your earring in my couch."

"You had to give it to me here?" Jessica asked.

Alex saw Jim and Jessica and narrowed her eyes. Her suspicions about them had now been confirmed. However, she had another matter to discuss with him. "Jim!" she called out.

Jessica looked at Alex like a deer caught in headlights and quickly made her exit. Avoiding eye contact with Alex and glancing around nervously, Jim walked up to her.

"Did you check out Mike's office?" Alex asked, gesturing toward it with her glasses.

"I know what it looks like," Jim responded.

"Well, it's not a shrine. We gotta fill it. An empty office doesn't help morale."

Throwing a hand out, Jim said, "I said I'd take it. I—I just—" He faltered as he looked into Mike's office and was reminded of the tragic circumstances of his best friend's death. Clearing out his office and taking it over so soon just seemed disrespectful of his memory. "You know, I'm just busy."

Alex nodded. She knew he was still taking it pretty hard so for once, she decided to give him a break. "End of the week, ok?" she said in a soft but firm voice. Jim nodded and walked away.

Alex returned her thoughts to the interaction between Jim and Jessica. She was annoyed not because she wanted Jim but because she was wary of Jessica's intentions. She already knew that Jessica was a very strong-willed woman. From her own experience with Jim, she also knew that he could be a pushover when it came to women he liked and that he became emotionally attached rather quickly. She did not want to lose control of her bureau because her deputy bureau chief was interested in one of his underlings. With Jessica's dominant personality, she was afraid that she would use sex to manipulate Jim into letting her have her way around the office.

In fact, it was already happening. Just last week, Jim had told Jessica that when a judge tells her to plead out a case, she should follow his orders. Jessica had flat-out refused and instead of Jim demanding that she do it—especially after Judge Michaels had called and said that she was on a crusade—he'd allowed her to go to trial. Furthermore, unbeknownst to Alex, Jessica had confessed to Jim while they were undressing that she'd given her rape victim, a hooker, 50 dollars to get her to go to trial and testify. Instead of reprimanding her, he'd gotten into bed with her and said that she won the case, which meant that the end justified the means. She'd thanked him and that was that.

Alex went back into her office. Although it was still early in the day, she had already received several calls congratulating her on her strong anti-drug speech at the Crime Prevention Commission fundraiser. She was very pleased that it turned out to be such a success. However, she couldn't stop herself from wishing that Olivia had been with her instead of Robert. _If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride_, she thought. She quickly scolded herself. The chapter of her life with Olivia had been closed and she was moving on. She had no time or place to daydream about what could've been.

She once again revisited the Jim and Jessica scene. Ultimately, she knew that Jim felt much more strongly for her than he did Jessica. She wasn't going to do anything at the moment but if push came to shove, she could use that to her advantage. She was prepared to let her know that _she_ was still the boss and that if she thought she could use Jim to one-up her in her own bureau, she had another thing coming.

* * *

A couple days later, Olivia was in the squadroom. It appeared that Fin's son was lying about information he had regarding a murder and tension was in the air, especially after the fight that had erupted between Fin and Elliot. Late the previous night, Ken had called Olivia for help after he had been picked up by two officers for digging up a dirt lot in an alley. She knew that Ken and his father weren't close and that's why he had called her instead of Fin. She wanted to help Ken and disapproved of the way Elliot was handling the situation, so she decided to confront him about his behavior.

"You went pretty hard at Fin," Olivia stated.

"I only called it like I saw it," Elliot responded unapologetically. "Did you know Ken Randall has a file in the juvenile system?"

"No," Olivia answered in surprise, sitting down at her desk.

"I knew there was something off with that kid. Got a hit off CHRS. Either Fin's covering for him or he doesn't know."

"What are the charges?"

"It's sealed," Elliot answered. "I gotta request them. Ken lied to us, Olivia. You and I both know that."

"Kids lie. Even yours, whether you live with them fulltime or not," Olivia retorted.

Luckily, the conversation was interrupted by Cragen wanting to know how they were doing on potential murder victims. It was just as well because Olivia wanted to get her work done for the day and be out of there at a reasonable hour. She had a big date with Zoe that evening and she didn't want Elliot putting her in a sour mood.

* * *

Meanwhile at One Hogan Place, Billy Desmond was in the conference room with the lawyer of Luke Taylor, a friend of Nick's who had been busted for coke possession at Bungalow 9.

"This kid is a nonviolent, first time offender," his lawyer Russell Albright argued.

"I hear you, but I'm telling you my boss is firm on these drug possession cases," Billy explained. "My hands are tied."

"We should be able to reach some sort of agreement."

"You're not hearing me, Russ," Billy said, leaning back in his chair. "_I_ can't make that deal."

"But you want to," Russell replied.

Holding a finger up, Billy quickly said, "Irrelevant. I don't have the authority."

"I see" came the response.

"However," Billy began, "if someone were to go over my head, talk to my boss…"

"Your boss _Steele_?" Russell inquired.

"More like his boss," Billy explained. "Alexandra Cabot."

Nodding in understanding, Russell replied, "Bureau chief."

"I think she met the managing partner of your firm the other night at a fundraiser," Billy said, closing the file.

"Bob Delaney?" Russell asked.

"Yeah. Have him call and set up a meeting," Billy said as he stood up.

"She'd be open to that?"

"She's reasonable."

"Depending on who she's talking to and how important they are?" Russell responded.

Billy laughed as he opened the door to leave. "I said she's reasonable."

A little while later, Billy knocked on Alex's door. "Hey, you wanted to see me, boss?"

Alex turned to him. "I just got a visit from Bob Delaney."

Billy furrowed his brow and pretended to try to see if the name rang a bell.

"Managing partner of Simpson-Stowe."

Billy nodded. "Yeah?"

"Tell me about this Luke Taylor case," Alex instructed.

"Uh, pretty straightforward. Kid rented out the VIP room at a club for his birthday, pulls out some blow and gets busted."

"No intent to distribute?" Alex asked.

"No," Billy confirmed. "Just dumb, spoiled prepster celebrating a birthday."

"So there's nothing else? Nothing that makes it more interesting?" Alex queried.

No," Billy lied, shrugging. He, of course, was withholding the fact that Nick was at this party, too and was a potential witness. Nick had been ready to tell Steele the truth but Billy told him to keep his mouth shut because Jim already didn't like him and would fire him. He had told Nick he'd try to find a way to get rid of this and so far he was succeeding.

Alex nodded. "Huh," she murmured as she looked off to the side in thought. She looked back at him and asked, "Well, what were you gonna recommend?"

"Well, um," Billy began, clearing his throat, "I think a year's probation and drug counseling is appropriate but given our tough stance on drug cases…"

"No, make the deal if you want," Alex assured him. "But two years probation."

"Sure," Billy agreed.

"Thanks," Alex said.

"Thank you," Billy replied, leaving her office.

Alex looked at the clock. She still had a number of things to take care of before the day's end, but she thought she would be on track to leave in time for dinner with Robert. He'd already made the reservations and she was actually looking forward to a nice, romantic dinner to take away all the cares and stresses of work.

* * *

A few hours later, Olivia was putting her earrings on in her apartment. As she looked in the mirror, she remembered how Alex used to always compliment her on that particular pair; in fact, it was one of her favorites to see her wear. With a deep sigh, she decided to brush the thought out of her mind. If she tried getting rid of everything that reminded her of Alex, she wouldn't have much left.

She ran a brush through her hair and then picked out a clutch to match her red dress. A smile crossing her lips, she thought, _Zoe is going to love this_. They had only gotten to see each other briefly on Sunday, so she was looking forward to their date tonight.

It wasn't long before the doorbell rang. After smoothing out her dress and giving herself a final once-over in the mirror, she ran to the door to let Zoe in. Zoe looked her over appreciatively. "Wow! You know, I was so excited to take you to this place but after seeing you in that dress, I'm thinking maybe we should just stay in," she said, pulling Olivia close to capture her lips.

Olivia laughed against her mouth. "I'll take that as a compliment," she said before kissing her again. "But come on, let's get outta here. We don't wanna be late."

After they got to the restaurant and had been seated, Olivia looked around. "Wow, this is an um, pretty nice place to say the least," she commented. Giving Zoe a lopsided grin, she lowered her voice and joked, "You should know by now that you don't have to take me to some five-star restaurant to get me into bed."

Zoe laughed, "Oh shush. I'm doing this because you're worth it." She reached over and brushed a few strands of hair behind Olivia's ear and smiled. "You know that, right?"

Olivia smiled in return. "Yeah," she said softly.

* * *

"Hi, Mr. Shelton, it's nice to see you again," the maître d' said. He smiled warmly at Alex. "And you look as stunning as ever, Ms. Cabot."

Alex smiled in return. "Thank you."

Robert chuckled and put a hand on her back. "She always does, Pierre."

After they'd ordered, Robert excused himself. "I have to go to the restroom. Be back in a few."

Alex smiled. "Sure thing, honey." After checking her phone, she decided to turn it off. She was determined not to let anything interrupt or ruin her evening.

But she wouldn't be so lucky this night. No sooner than she'd tucked her phone into her purse did she look up from their table to see a familiar face catch her eye. _Olivia?_ She had to do a double take. Her stomach dropped when she recognized the other face—Zoe.

Robert returned and put a hand on her shoulder. Alex jumped a little at his touch. "You ok, sweetie?" he asked.

Alex forced a smile and turned to him. "Yeah, you just startled me."

"That was a pretty intense gaze. You see anyone you know?" he asked as he sat back down and looked in the direction Alex had been looking. Before she could answer, he snapped his fingers and exclaimed, "Ah! Isn't that Olivia?"

Keeping her face expressionless, she simply answered, "Yes, I believe it is."

"Who is the lady with her? From the way she just kissed Olivia's hand, I assume they are on a date." He looked back at Alex. "You didn't tell me Olivia was a lesbian."

Alex frowned and tried to wash down her jealousy with a drink of wine. "Why should it matter?" she demanded.

Robert looked at her in shock. "Why are you being so defensive, dear? You know I have nothing against homosexuals." He looked in Olivia's direction again. "She sure does clean up well, doesn't she? What a waste."

"Waste?" Alex snapped. "That little comment certainly doesn't sound gay-friendly."

Rolling his eyes, Robert responded, "I just meant that as attractive as she is, she'd have no shortage of gentlemen callers. But I guess it's good she's taken, though."

Alex narrowed her eyes. "And why is that?"

"Because she'll be too busy with her to hit on you."

Alex glared at him and clenched her fist under the table. "What did you just say?"

Robert laughed. "Relax, sweetheart. It was only a joke."

Alex shot him a look that could kill. "I don't think it was."

Robert touched her arm softly. "Alex, let's not argue, honey. Let's just have a wonderful evening. In fact, to show you I meant no harm, why don't we go over and say hello? I know she's a close friend of yours."

Alex couldn't believe her ears. Her heart began to pound in her chest. "Wh-what?"

"Let's say a quick hello," he repeated. He studied her face carefully. "Is something wrong?"

"No, of course not," Alex said quickly, avoiding his eyes. She finished the rest of her wine in a desperate attempt to settle her nerves. "Come on, let's go then." She felt it would be awkward to refuse, especially since Robert thought that friendship had been the extent of their relationship. Not wanting to arouse suspicion or seem jealous, to her dismay, she felt herself rising from her seat, joining hands with Robert, and walking over to where Olivia and Zoe were seated.


	45. Lost in This Dance

**Chapter 45: Lost in This Dance**

Zoe was the first to see them. "Look, Liv! Alex is coming toward us. Is that her boyfriend?"

Olivia felt her stomach turning. _What are the odds that out of all the restaurants in this city, we'd come to the one with the very person I'm trying to get over?_ she thought. She saw their linked hands and had to resist the urge to roll her eyes. "Yes, it is," she answered Zoe.

Zoe eyed Olivia carefully. Olivia still had never mentioned anything more than friendship with Alex, but from the way she saw Olivia's face fall when she saw Alex with her boyfriend, she wondered even more if there was actually more to their relationship. Even if they'd never been together, she suspected that Olivia felt something more than just friendship for Alex.

Olivia's eyes met Alex's. She could see the pain, anxiety, shock, and hesitation, and she imagined that those emotions were mirrored to Alex in her own. A few seconds seemed like an eternity as she waited for them to reach their table.

Once they got there, Alex let her eyes travel over Olivia's body. _She looks so gorgeous_, she thought longingly. Her eyes rested on the earrings. She was hurt and a bit angry that Olivia would wear them with another woman.

However, she was particularly captivated by the sensuous, low-cut, knee-length red dress that hugged Olivia's every curve. It wasn't a dress she'd ever seen her wear before, and she couldn't help but feel jealous.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Robert's voice. "Good evening, ladies. You both look nothing short of stunning."

Olivia forced a smile. "Thank you, Robert. It's good to see you again." Turning to Zoe, she said, "Oh, Zoe, this is Robert. You've already met Alex. He's her boyfriend."

Zoe held out her hand to Robert. "Nice to meet you."

Robert nodded and shook her hand. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."

Alex flashed a smile at Zoe. "How have you been, Zoe?"

"I've been good, Alex. Yourself?"

"I've been pretty good," Alex answered. She turned to Olivia. "How are you, Liv?"

"I've just been trying to keep stress down," she replied, trying to keep her facial expressions and body language neutral. "So what brings you two out tonight?"

Robert smiled and placed a hand at the small of Alex's back. "I just thought I'd take Alex out for a nice, romantic dinner. She works so hard at the DA's office that she deserves something special. I also wanted to spend some time with her before I leave for Hong Kong on Friday."

"Business, I take it?" Zoe asked.

"Indeed," he affirmed. "In fact, since I travel to Hong Kong and Tokyo several times a year, I was telling Alex the other night that we should buy a place in one of them." He chuckled and added, "Perhaps both." Alex let out what she felt to be an obligatory chuckle in return.

"Sounds like a great idea," Zoe responded.

"Hey, the reason you make money is to spend it, right?" Robert asked, smiling proudly. "I'm always looking to make solid investments."

_Yeah, I'll bet_, Olivia thought disgustedly. _It's what you consider Alex to be, right?_

Alex looked down at Olivia again to gauge her reaction to his statements. Despite Olivia's best efforts to conceal her irritation, she could tell that she was not impressed with Robert's flaunting of his wealth yet again. After all, she knew her well enough to read her like a book. She decided it was time to change the subject. "How are Elliot and the gang?"

"Everyone's good," Olivia answered. "I'll tell them I ran into you and that you asked about them."

Alex smiled. "Thanks."

"I hear you're a pretty tough prosecutor," Zoe told Alex.

Alex smirked. "Let's just say that I wouldn't be surprised if there were a few people who have burned me an effigy."

Zoe laughed. "We need more strong women like you." She looked across the table and raised her wine glass to Olivia. "And Olivia."

Alex smiled at Olivia. "Yes. Olivia Benson is one of a kind."

Smiling humbly, Olivia dropped her head slightly to disguise the blush coloring her cheeks.

"Well, I think our appetizers are being brought out, so we should get back to our table," Robert said with a warm smile as he linked his arm through Alex's. "Nice seeing you again, Olivia. I hope you and Zoe have a wonderful evening."

"You, too, Robert," Olivia replied.

Alex nodded goodbye to both of them, however, her gaze rested a couple seconds longer on Olivia.

"He seems like a pretty nice guy," Zoe commented, drinking a sip of wine. "Very charming."

"Yeah," Olivia said, quickly taking a bite of gnocchi with escargot so she wouldn't have to talk much about the seemingly happy couple. She wasn't comfortable telling Zoe what she really thought of the guy, so she decided it would just be best to keep her mouth shut. "So what's Emma's schedule like tonight?"

"Busy," Zoe responded with a laugh. "She had movie night and video games all planned out with the babysitter. I just told her to make sure Emma got to bed at a reasonable hour."

Olivia smiled. "I'm glad she's having fun. She deserves a normal childhood."

After a few minutes, Zoe noticed that Olivia had grown quiet and reserved. "You ok, Liv?" she asked.

Flashing a smile, Olivia answered, "Yeah. I just need to get some fresh air." She pushed her chair back. "I'll be back in a few."

Alex was just finishing up her lobster risotto when she turned her head and saw Olivia heading out to the balcony. She lost track of what Robert was saying about global market research as she waited to see if Zoe was going to follow her. When it did not appear that she was, she turned back to Robert and said, "Excuse me, honey. I'll be right back."

Robert was a bit disappointed about being cut off, but he smiled and nodded anyway. "Of course. No rush."

Olivia was gripping the railing and deeply inhaling the night air when she heard the words "Nice dress" come from a voice a few feet behind her. She knew immediately who it was. She turned around to face Alex.

"Thanks," she replied, not really knowing what else to say.

"It must be new," Alex continued.

Olivia knew exactly what she was getting at. "No, actually, I've had it awhile."

"Oh," Alex said simply. She didn't even try to hide the disappointment on her face that Olivia had never worn it for _her_.

Of course, Olivia picked up on it but she wasn't going to indulge Alex. So she just decided to deflect attention from it by complimenting Alex instead. She was wearing a simple yet elegant gold, silk chiffon one-shoulder gown that spilled around her ankles. "You look very nice yourself."

Alex couldn't stop a faint blush from crossing her cheeks. "Thank you." With a shaky sigh, she asked, "So how long is this cold war going to go on?"

Olivia snorted. "What do you mean? It's only been a week."

Alex looked down briefly before meeting Olivia's eyes again. "You know what I mean. I didn't expect to run into you tonight, but the reality is that we _will_ run into each other from time to time. I just don't want things to be this awkward."

Olivia let out a sigh of her own and shook her head. "Alex, it's always going to be awkward."

"I…I just wish it wasn't." She softly touched Olivia's arm and saw her alarm. It hurt her to remember when Olivia would relax into her touch instead of wanting to shirk away from it. "I really do want you to be happy, Liv."

Olivia forced a smile. "Well, thank you."

Alex took a deep breath. "And I am sorry about the note we ended on last week."

"Yeah, well…I am, too." She shrugged. "But hey, what can ya do?"

Alex could see that Olivia had her walls back up, but she couldn't say that she blamed her. "Well, I'll let you get back to your date. Have a nice evening."

"You, too," Olivia responded.

Just as Alex was about to go back inside, a car backfired loudly in the distance. As a reflex, she automatically made a dive for the floor, but Olivia caught her. She held a shivering and terrified Alex in her arms and stroked the back of her head soothingly. "Sweetie, sweetie. It was just a car. Nothing to worry about. You're safe, ok?"

Alex felt like her racing heart was going to split her chest cavity in two. She made several desperate gulps for air as Olivia rubbed her arm comfortingly.

Robert saw Olivia holding Alex up and hurriedly made his way to the balcony. "Is everything ok?" He took one of Alex's arms and helped Olivia get her on her feet.

Alex swallowed hard. "I-I'm fine. I just need some air." She was pleased that even though she was now standing upright, Olivia hadn't let go of her.

"Are you sure you don't want me to call the paramedics?" Robert asked.

Alex nodded furiously. "I'm fine, Robert. Just…just give me a few, ok?" she insisted, her tone impatient.

Robert exchanged a glance with Olivia and then turned his gaze back to Alex. "All right. I'll be inside if you need me." He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and went back inside. But he didn't like it one bit that Alex preferred Olivia stay with her instead of him. He was disappointed that there were certain things Alex was going through that she didn't want to share with him, despite the reasons she'd given.

Alex turned to Olivia and said, "I'm sorry, Olivia. I feel so embarrassed."

Olivia placed her hands on Alex's upper arms. Her soft, protective touch proved to steady her trembling. "Alex, you have _nothing_ to be embarrassed about."

"I shouldn't be collapsing in your arms over a little car backfiring."

"You haven't even been out of Witness Protection a whole year. You can't expect the effects of the traumas you've suffered to just have disappeared so soon. How is yoga going?"

Alex let out a deep sigh. "It's going."

Olivia had to resist the urge to roll her eyes. "I mean has it been helping?"

"Somewhat. Not as much as I'd like."

"There's no miracle cure for PTSD," Olivia said softly. She put the back of her hand to Alex's forehead and then her cheek. "You're burning up. Let's get you to the bathroom."

"Liv, I—" She was cut off by Olivia putting a finger to her lips. She felt a warm rush go through her at her touch.

"Don't even try to argue," Olivia insisted, staring her firmly in the eye. With her other hand, she brushed back a few strands of hair that had become matted to Alex's forehead with beads of sweat. Despite her best efforts to resist, Olivia could feel a magnetism pulling her closer the longer she held her gaze, even though she hadn't physically moved another step.

From his table, Robert watched them carefully. He noticed that instead of Alex pulling away at being shushed, she allowed Olivia's finger to linger for several more seconds on her lips. He didn't know what it meant, but he filed away the scene in his memory for later use.

Olivia slowly removed her finger and gently took Alex by her elbow. From there she led her to the bathroom and wet a paper towel with cold water.

Alex tried not to let her eyes rest for too long on Olivia's generous cleavage. The creamy, olive flesh rose and fell with each breath Olivia took. Olivia was aware of Alex's attempts not to be too obvious, and she had to suppress a smirk as she dabbed at her forehead and cheeks. Both innocent and provocative in its message, the subtle scent of Alex's perfume floated to her nose and danced around her.

"Thank you," Alex said softly.

Olivia smiled. "No problem. Are you feeling nauseous?"

"No," Alex answered. "Just a bit drained."

When Olivia finished, she threw the paper towel in the trash and asked, "Sure you're gonna be ok?"

Alex smiled gratefully. "Yeah."

A few seconds of silence passed. Olivia then decided, "Well, I better get back. Don't want the food getting cold."

"Right," Alex said softly, watching her leave.

At the door, Olivia turned around once more and advised, "Take it easy, ok?" Alex just nodded.

Zoe eyed Olivia with curiosity. "Wow. You were gone a long time. Everything all right?"

"Yeah," Olivia responded, sitting down. "Alex just had to deal with some stuff."

Although Zoe had seen Olivia leading Alex across the room and she could tell that Alex appeared to be shaken up even though she was trying to hold her composure, she wasn't sure what was going on. She also didn't think Olivia would tell her, so she wasn't going to push. But she was curious about the nature of the "stuff" that Olivia was helping her to take care of…

* * *

"I wasn't sure you were coming back tonight," Robert commented. He tried to pass it off as a joke, but Alex could detect the annoyance in his voice. "I almost told our waiter to take the main courses back."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not in the mood for this, Robert."

Robert put down his fork and sighed. "I just wish you'd open up to me about this stuff."

Alex rubbed her temples with one hand. "Robert, please."

"I'm not trying to upset you, sweetheart. I love you and it just hurts to know that you allow your friends into a part of your life that you shut me out of."

Alex sighed. "Liv was there when I was shot." She refused to discuss it with him any further. "Now can we please just get back to our meal?"

Flashing a smile, Robert reached across the table to rub her hand with his thumb. "You got it, dear."

Several minutes into their meal, one of the investment bankers at Neumann-Riggs came up to Robert and slapped him lightly on the back. "Shelton! Making quite a good impression both on and off Wall Street, huh?"

Robert turned around and grinned as he gave him a hearty handshake. "Well, if it isn't Bradley Hayes!"

Bradley went over to exchange kisses on the cheek with Alex before returning to Robert's side. "How are you two tonight?"

Robert chuckled and answered, "We're great."

Alex was a little irked that he had answered for her, but she just decided to ignore it. After all, she had enough on her mind. She just smiled politely at Bradley and asked, "How have you been?"

"Excellent. Keeping Robert on his toes?"

Alex laughed. "I try."

"Almost done with that merger model you've been working on?" Robert asked.

"Pretty much. I need to look over it once more before I run my analysis by my associate, and then hopefully I can be in bed before 3 AM."

"Hey now, you know money never sleeps," Robert commented.

As Robert continued to talk to his colleague, Alex couldn't stop herself from looking over at Olivia and Zoe's table. She saw Olivia throwing her head back in laughter at something Zoe said and her envy only deepened. It wasn't that long ago that Olivia had done the same with her.

When Olivia stopped laughing and turned her head, she saw Alex gazing at her. Their eyes locked in a moment of longing and regret as time seemed to stand still. _Will fate always keep bringing us together and then ripping us apart again?_ she wondered. She didn't know how much longer they would be lost in this dance with each other.

Before she became rapt any longer by the sea of Alex's deep blue, Olivia tore her eyes away and focused on Zoe again.

Zoe had seen the gaze she and Alex exchanged. "You guys ok?"

Olivia could see that Zoe felt awkward. So with a tight smile she just answered, "Peachy." Luckily, their waiter arrived to place their dessert courses on the table and that was the end of it.

Or so she thought.

* * *

Jim walked into Alex's office the next day and said, "Hey, do me a favor." Alex turned to him. He continued, "Let me know if we're gonna have separate policies on drug cases depending upon how much money they have."

Smirking, she replied, "What are you talking about?"

Looking at the file, Jim read, "Luke Taylor…pled out to two years probation."

Her smirk spreading, Alex informed him, "That was Desmond's call. I backed it." She walked over to her desk.

"I thought we weren't breaking down drug cases."

"Five grams of coke, no priors, no intent to distribute, do we really even need to have this talk?" Alex shot back.

With a dismissive wave of his hand and a tone dripping with sarcasm, Jim responded, "Fine. If we're gonna make deals, just let me know." He started to leave Alex's office.

As if last night's events weren't enough, now Alex had to contend with Jim once again challenging how she ran her bureau. She was not in the mood to deal with his petulance today and was not going to take it. "All this hand-wringing over a minor drug bust and meanwhile a mother who kills her kid just walks out the door," she retorted, gesturing toward the door.

Jim turned back around. "Please. You-you're gonna turn this around on me?"

"Did you even read this girl's diary, Jim?" Alex said, pointing to it and then picking it up. She opened it and said, "Right here. 'Today my mom told me we weren't going shopping for new school clothes because she didn't think I would ever be able to use them.'"

Jim interrupted, "What's your point, Alex?"

Glaring at him, she responded, "My _point_, Jim, is that sometimes you have to push the envelope—even if you lose."

"We prosecute on the basis of fact."

With a sardonic laugh, Alex stepped around her desk to confront him and exclaimed, "_Larceny_? _Child endangerment_? God _forbid_ you take a stand!"

"I'll share that with the assistants—the importance of grandstanding," he retorted, leaving her office.

Muttering a slur towards him under her breath, she shot him one final glare and then returned to her spot behind her desk. She knew that the charges Jim had proposed to Christina were insulting and inappropriate to the case at hand and that if anyone was going to get justice for the little girl, she would have to take charge of the case herself.

Knocking on Christina's door, she said, "Christina, can you pull that case you found for the Copeland investigation?"

Christina replied, "Oh…yeah. Jim didn't think it applied."

"Well, I would like to take a look at it. And call the defense and see if the mother will testify in front of the grand jury—as soon as possible." With a supportive smile, she added, "I would like for you to be there."

With a big smile and nod, Christina responded, "You got it." Alex nodded and walked off. Christina felt thankful and victorious that even though Jim hadn't believed in her, Alex did.

* * *

After Alex had ripped the mother apart during the grand jury proceedings, she, Christina, the mother and her lawyer all met in the conference room. "The grand jury will return an indictment on manslaughter in less than an hour," Christina said, standing in front of the window. Alex leaned back comfortably in her chair across from Robert Schwartz.

"Who are we kidding here?" Robert asked. "You can bully your way to an indictment but you'll never get a conviction."

"Oh, you haven't seen me in action, Rob, I'm good!" Alex announced brazenly, springing forward and challenging him with a smug, daunting grin as she crossed her arms on the table. "They didn't make me Bureau Chief for nothing, you know what I mean?" She threw a glance at the mother before turning back to Robert and continuing, "I'm going to be trying this one myself. And I'm going to use _every resource_ available to this office to make sure this twisted, heartless wretch" – she glared at the mother – "goes down for man two." She returned her cold, steely gaze to Robert.

Afraid that Alex would make her threats a harsh reality for his client, Robert tried to bargain, "Child endangerment. One year probation."

"Get out," Alex demanded, jerking her head toward the door. Robert looked at her in disbelief while Victoria looked scared out of her wits. "I'm serious! Get the _hell_ out!"

The mother and her lawyer stood up. Victoria insisted, "I loved my daughter—very much. No matter what you think."

Alex looked up at her with a smirk. "Tell that to the jury. I'm sure they'll be moved," she stated sarcastically. She leaned back in her chair satisfactorily as they exited the room.

"You really think we can prove manslaughter at trial?" Christina asked.

Alex shook her head. "Not a shot in hell." But true to her nature, she had been determined not to show anything less than confidence that they would. After all, she knew that you could never let them see you sweat. With a silent snort, she got up from the table and prepared to leave.

As they walked down the hall together, Christina wondered, "So…if we can't win at trial and we won't consider a plea—"

"We wait," Alex stated matter-of-factly, throwing up a hand and glancing at her.

"How long?"

Looking at her again, Alex asked, "Do you date much, Christina?"

"Huh?" Christina asked in confusion.

"The phone _will_ ring," Alex clarified. She gave her one last glance and added, "Trust me." She continued into her office without breaking her step.

"Right. Got it," Christina said.

Sure enough, it did just that. Several minutes later, Christina knocked on Alex's doorframe. Alex stopped writing and looked up. "Robert Schwartz just called me," Christina announced. "They're willing to plead to negligent homicide and take three to six."

Alex instructed, "Make it 4 to 12."

With a smile and a nod, Christina said, "Great." She turned to leave.

"Oh, Christina?" Christina turned back toward her. Giving her an encouraging smile, she said, "I appreciate all your hard work."

Christina couldn't have been happier to hear it. It gave her newfound confidence since she'd much rather have Alex's approval than Jim's. With a grin and thankful nod, she told her, "Good night."

Alex's smile widened. "Good night," she responded softly.

Alex was pleased with how things had turned out. Ashley Copeland would get justice and that's really all that mattered. She had scared them into taking a plea, insuring that the mother would serve time for faking her daughter's cancer and driving her to suicide.

Now if only the pieces of her personal life would fall so smoothly into place…


	46. Fallen

I know it's been awhile, but here is the next chapter. Thank you all for reading! Just a warning: this chapter contains several direct scenes from Conviction 1.05 Savasana. Those of you who watched already know what to expect. Those of you who haven't, well, you probably heard what happened anyway. Now onto the story...

* * *

**Chapter 46: Fallen**

_In the middle of the journey of our life_  
_I found myself astray in a dark wood_  
_Where the straight road had been lost sight of._

_How hard it is to say what it was like_  
_In the thick of thickets, in a wood so dense and gnarled_  
_The very thought of it renews my panic._

_It is bitter almost as death itself is bitter._  
_But to rehearse the good it also brought me_  
_I will speak about the other things I saw there._

_How I got into it I cannot clearly say_  
_For I was moving like a sleepwalker_  
_The moment I stepped out of the right way_

-Dante, _Inferno_, Canto I

Alex wouldn't be so lucky with getting her personal life in order just yet. Once Robert had returned from Hong Kong the Monday evening following their dinner, they'd spent nothing but the past week arguing on and off. If it wasn't about the lack of time they got to spend together, he was accusing her of being uncommunicative or not putting as much effort into the relationship as he was. She accused him of not being supportive enough of the demands of her job or her need for solitude.

One of the main reasons she had started dating Robert was because she thought someone entirely new to her life could help her ditch her traumatic past and fill the void more than sex alone could. However, the fact that she was now having problems with him only served to increase that void and defeat the purpose entirely. He was supposed to take away from her mental and emotional anguish—not add to it. What made things worse is that she had no one to talk to about things. Her family adored Robert and so did her social circle.

But now it was a new week and she hoped that things would lighten up. She told herself that the stress of both their jobs was getting to them, but she knew deep down that it was something else—Olivia. Ever since she'd seen her again at the restaurant, she hadn't been able to get her mind off her.

As if that were not enough, it was time for quarterly reports again at the bureau, so things were getting even more hectic. The ride to the office that morning was done mostly in silence as they each sat on opposite sides of the backseat. Robert was checking his Blackberry, which was typical. Alex was thinking about her workload for the day and didn't want to be disturbed, and she thought it was for the best anyway since the less she had to say to Robert, the smaller the chance of words being misconstrued and causing an argument.

Even though she knew she had a long week ahead of her, she would much rather be at work than walking on eggshells at home. The car pulled up to One Hogan Place and she let out a sigh of relief. As their driver got out and opened the door for her, Robert got out, too. "Maybe I'll see you later?" Alex asked.

Robert reached out to touch her arm with the back of his hand. Alex met his touch in an effort to alleviate some of the tension. "Yeah," he answered.

"Thanks," Alex said, walking off.

"Okay," he responded.

Jim was waiting for her as she walked up. He wasn't so bad when he wasn't arguing with her and was actually being a friend. "Morning," he said.

"Good morning," Alex responded cheerily.

Robert noticed that Alex had left her scarf on the seat of the car, so he quickly walked over to give it to her. "Sweetie, you forgot this."

"Oh, thank you," Alex replied almost simultaneously. Looking from Robert to Jim, she decided to reintroduce them. "Honey, this is—"

"Jim Steele," Jim finished for her, extending his hand to Robert.

Robert firmly shook it. "Sure. Good to see you again. We met last year at the uh, Christmas party." Right on schedule, his Blackberry began to ring.

"Yeah. The—I think that's right," Jim responded. He looked at Robert's ringing phone and then back up at him again, wondering if he was going to answer it.

Robert gave him a quick smile and then turned to Alex again. "I gotta go, baby," he said, leaning in to kiss her goodbye.

"Oh, bye. Have a good day," Alex replied, exchanging a kiss on the cheek with him.

"See ya," Jim told Robert.

Robert threw him one last cocky, guarded smile and then headed to his car.

"So the eighth floor is hounding me for those quarterly reports," Alex told Jim. "We need to show an increase in volume in trials, convictions."

As Alex talked, Jim watched Robert and his chauffeur drive off in a Mercedes-Benz S550. _How much money does this guy have?_ he wondered, feeling a bit envious. "Wall Street sure pays better than Centre Street, huh?"

Alex turned around to follow his gaze. With a grin, she joked, "But they don't get to spend all day with rapists and murderers."

* * *

A little later that morning, Jessica saw Jim walking back toward his office. Walking up to him, she started, "Hey, I was thinking about pleading out that robbery case, NYU freshman robbed at gunpoint."

"This an I.D. case?" Jim asked.

"I have three witnesses. The victim plus two elderly Ukrainians who have Coke-bottle glasses," she answered as they walked into his office.

"Let me guess. The NYU student was drunk," he said.

"And stoned," Jessica added.

"How about the Ukrainians?" Jim asked, sitting behind his desk.

"Described the suspect as 'a tall, chocolate man with big branches.'"

"Sounds like a plea to me," Jim answered.

"Yeah," Jessica said with a grin. With a quick glance over her shoulder to make sure no one was paying too much attention, she walked toward his desk and proposed, "I thought maybe we could get together for dinner this week?" With a flirtatious smile, she explained, "Like a proper date."

Jim leaned back in his chair to contemplate the offer. But before he could answer, the secretary Cheryl came to his door and informed him, "Steele, Cabot wants to see you in the conference room." She threw a glance at Jessica and then left.

Getting up, Jim told her, "We'll pick this up later on, ok?"

"Mm-hmm," Jessica murmured with a hint of irritation, watching him as he left.

* * *

When Alex got home that evening, all she wanted to do was kick off her heels, soak in the tub, and try to get some sleep. After she finished her bath, she walked into the bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed. Robert closed his laptop and moved over to massage her shoulders. "Have a nice bath, sweetheart?" he asked, brushing her hair back and placing a soft kiss on her cheek, then her neck.

"I did," Alex answered.

"You're so tense, honey," he observed.

Alex chuckled. "I can see you're taking care of that."

As he continued massaging, Robert began, "Well, you know I've been thinking…"

"Yes?"

"Maybe we should consider tying the knot."

Alex's heart started to pound. _Marriage? This soon?_ she thought. She turned around to face him. "Why the rush?"

"Well, to be honest with you, Alex, I knew that you were the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with from the moment I first laid eyes on you," he avowed. "So why would I need to date you for years to realize something I know now? When you're older, you're more mature; you know what you want and not what you think you want. We're both very established in our careers and I just think it's the right move."

Alex looked down, trying to find anything to focus on _but_ Robert. "This is all so…sudden." She shook her head quickly and let out a deep sigh. Dragging her hands down her face, she continued, "Honey, I am absolutely exhausted. I'm really in no state of mind to discuss something so serious right now." Reaching out to touch his cheek, she said in a softer voice, "You understand, right?"

He kissed her on the forehead. "Of course. We'll talk about this more later on, ok? Get some rest, beautiful."

Alex flashed a smile. "Ok." She pulled back the covers and slid beneath them.

Robert turned off the lamp and pulled her into his arms. She tried to relax but couldn't shake her feeling of discomfort. It was like she was being held by a stranger, and in a way she was, for she'd only known him a few months. In the end, she just closed her eyes and tried to imagine herself somewhere peaceful in the hopes that sleep would soon release her from the captivity of her thoughts.

* * *

The next day, Alex knocked on Jim's open door as she walked into his office. "Why the drop in drug-related indictments?" she asked, throwing the file down on his desk.

"Fewer drug-related arrests," Jim explained matter-of-factly.

"Are you counting charges or defendants?" Alex asked.

"If you want to embellish the numbers to impress the big guys on the eighth-floor—"

Turning around and starting to walk away, Alex rolled her eyes and threw up a hand as she said, "You are such a bureaucrat."

"Is that why we broke up?" Jim shot back with a grin.

Alex turned around quickly to set the record straight. "We never _dated_," she reminded him with an amused grin.

"Oh, that's right. I'm sorry, I forgot. We were just sleeping together," he conceded, smiling.

"Something like that, yeah," Alex answered, nodding. She turned back around to leave. She wished Jim didn't have a tendency to see what he wanted to see instead of how things actually were.

"It was fun, though, right?" Jim asked.

"Sure was," Alex said, not bothering to turn around again.

"Then why did I get dumped?" Jim asked pointedly.

"Jim," Alex began, turning around at the door and walking back to him. She did not want to do this and didn't know why he couldn't just let it go. Furthermore, she knew it would only hurt him.

"I'm-I'm serious," Jim responded, getting up from his desk.

"I don't want to talk about this," Alex declared, crossing her forefingers in front of her in a time-out motion.

"No, I'm totally over it. I promise," Jim insisted, walking up to her.

"I'm sure you are," Alex stated sarcastically.

"So, we never really talked about it," he explained. With a solemn chuckle, he asked, "Why'd I get the ax?"

"Because I met Robert and he seemed like the perfect guy," Alex replied.

"What do you mean 'seemed like'?" Jim asked. Alex gave him a look. "Are you in love with him?" he continued.

"He's a _wonderful_ man," Alex stated instead.

Jim was not about to let her slide so easily. He definitely thought her deflection was odd. "That's not what I asked."

"Of course I love him!" Alex snapped defensively, her eyes dodging before meeting his again. She wanted to get him off her back and hoped he wouldn't call attention to the fact that she still refused to say that she was _in love_ with him.

"Am I sensing problems?" Jim asked somewhat cautiously.

Alex looked at him for a few seconds as she struggled to come up with a response. Deciding to evade his question, she looked down at her watch and said, "The problem is that I have a meeting in five minutes, so…" She turned to leave but then had a second thought. Turning back, she asked, "Do you want to have dinner later?"

"Sure. Yeah," Jim answered, a bit surprised.

"I'll let you know where," she said, smiling over her shoulder at him and then starting to walk out. At the door, she happened to turn her head and see Jessica looking at her from the opposite doorway in Jim's office.

Jessica smiled at her, but her smile quickly dissolved into a cheeky, competitive smirk as she stared her down.

Alex pursed her lips and stared her down right back. She didn't know how long she'd been standing there, but she was not about to be intimidated by one of her underlings and most certainly not Jim's little fuck buddy. She had no problem reminding her that _she_ was the one in control—in every sense of the word. If Jessica Rossi thought she could win any battle against her, she had another thing coming. But she didn't have time for this now. Knowing that she had work to do, she tore her eyes away and walked into her office.

Jim, of course, had seen the entire interaction but wasn't going to get into it. "What's up?" he asked, sitting down at his desk again.

"Close to a deal on that NYU case," Jessica started, walking up to his desk. "Misdemeanor assault, one year probation." She handed him the file.

"Sounds good," he answered.

Diving right in, Jessica put her hands on her hips and said, "I was thinking of making my world-famous penne vodka tonight. Feel like coming over?"

"I thought I wasn't allowed in your apartment," Jim teased, remembering the "deal" that they had.

"Maybe it's time to expand the rules…" Jessica suggested.

"I'd love to, but I'm-I'm having dinner with Alex. We're going over this whole quarterly report thing," he said, nodding swiftly.

Nodding and smiling, Jessica whispered, "Oh." She could tell he was trying to downplay the fact that he had a thing for Alex.

"Rain check?"

"Yeah, sure," she said.

"Cool," Jim replied.

Giving him one last amused look, Jessica turned around and walked out.

* * *

Jim was excited to leave his office later that evening because he looked forward to dinner with Alex. With his coat on his arm, he went to Alex's office and knocked on the doorframe. "Hey, Forlini's sound good?"

Alex was just getting her coat off its hook. "Ohh, I can't! I'm sorry. I have to get home."

Walking into her office, he asked, "Is everything ok?"

"Yeah. Robert wants to have a talk," Alex explained.

"That sounds like fun," Jim said dryly.

"It should be easy, you know? Falling in love, committing, getting married," Alex said wistfully. She thought about Olivia and all the obstacles that prevented it from being easy.

With a smile, Jim replied, "You're talking about the rest of your life. There's nothing easy about that."

"I just always thought I'd have this feeling in my gut, telling me, 'This is it. This is the one.' But I _don't_." _At least not for a guy_, she thought. The truth was that she did feel it and had felt it for some time for a woman. However, she knew that Jim had no reason to even suspect that she was attracted to women, so he wouldn't think that "the one" could be anyone but a guy in the first place.

Unfortunately for Jim, the meaning of those words set in all too well. He knew that if Alex was saying that she didn't feel like she'd met the guy who was "the one," then that didn't just cancel out Robert, it also cancelled him out as "the one" as well. After all, she'd known and been intimate with him before Robert. Trying to lighten the mood, Jim joked, "Yeah, that sweet little romantic voice shuts off after awhile—like, right around the 10th murder trial."

Alex chuckled. Then she asked seriously, "Are you telling me I should marry Robert?"

He was a bit caught off guard. Trying to find the words, he replied, "I…am not good at these conversations, Al." Alex nodded in understanding. Jim continued, "So, with all due respect, I'd-I'd just rather not get involved."

"Yeah," Alex said, nodding again. "Night."

Jim nodded goodnight and left her office. Alex watched him leave, a pensive look on her face. She really wasn't surprised that he didn't want to get involved. But it's not like she could talk to Olivia or Serena; both of them knew way too much about her actual orientation. Jim might be able to guess that her relationship with Robert was a matter of political and social privilege, but that was where it ended. She had thought discussing things with Jim would offer some clarity in the matter, but she still was left not knowing what she should say to Robert.

Robert was waiting for her when she walked in the door. "Hi, honey," he said, walking up to her and giving her a kiss. "How was your day at work?"

Alex smiled at him. "Stressful, but good. What about yours?"

He smiled suavely. "About the same." He took her hand and led her over to the sofa. Handing her a glass of Pétrus, he sat down beside her and asked, "So have you thought anymore about what we discussed last night?"

"Some," Alex answered softly. She took a sip of wine and then set her glass down on the coffee table.

Robert set his glass down as well. Then holding both her hands in his, he looked her in the eye and proclaimed, "Alex, I can't imagine my life with anyone else. You are absolutely the most gorgeous, intelligent, and remarkable woman I've ever met. I've dated many women but none have the ability to captivate those around them quite like you do. And your past experiences in life have only molded you into a woman whose strength and gumption few could ever possess. You are truly a rare gem that I never expected to find. If you marry me, I promise to love, honor, and treasure you for the rest of our natural lives."

Alex blushed to have such praise lavished upon her. Looking down, she responded, "Wow…I don't know what to say."

"Just say yes," he prodded, smiling. When she didn't say anything for a few moments, he lifted her chin gently so that her eyes were level with his again. "If you're hesitant because of the problems we've been having, don't be. I take full responsibility for my part in our fights and I apologize for all I've done to hurt you. But I want us to put all of that behind us and look forward to the future. Dwelling on the past only hurts us more, right?"

"True," Alex agreed.

He stroked her cheek with the back of his hand and continued, "Besides, I realized that instead of fighting with you, I should be pouring all my energy into giving you everything you want and more. I'm completely ready to make a permanent commitment to you and treat you like nothing short of a queen."

"That's all very sweet of you," Alex replied.

"Do you see yourself with anyone but me, Alex?" he asked pointedly.

Alex swallowed hard as Olivia immediately popped into her mind. She shook her head, both to make the thought of her go away and to give Robert his answer. "No," she lied. "It's just that this is a pretty big decision and I'm afraid I need more time to think about it before I give you an answer. I'm sorry."

Robert nodded. "Don't be. I respect that." He leaned in to kiss her.

Placing a hand on the back of his neck, Alex returned the kiss. She tried to drum up some emotion, no matter how slight, in order to make it feel real. She was going to play her role to the hilt—just like so many women before her.

* * *

Meanwhile Olivia was lying down in the crib. Elliot walked in and teased, "Gettin' your beauty sleep?"

Olivia smirked and sat up. "I was _trying_ to."

He sat down beside her. "How are things with Zoe?"

"They're good," she replied.

"You guys still doing the casual thing?"

"Yep," Olivia confirmed. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

"When was the last time you heard from Alex?"

"Week before last," she answered. "We ran into each other at dinner."

Elliot's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yes, really. She was with Prince Charming and I was with Zoe."

"Wow," Elliot replied. "That had to be awkward."

"Yeah. She and Robert actually came over to our table to say hi."

Elliot laughed. "Are you kidding?"

"I wish I was. Oh, you should've seen this guy, El. Bragging about his money and how he and Alex were gonna buy property in Hong Kong or Tokyo. Robert is one of the most pretentious jerks I've ever met."

"How does she stand it?"

Olivia scoffed. "You tell me. So a little later, I went out to the balcony and Alex followed me. She wanted to apologize for how things ended between us. She said we were bound to run into each other from time to time and she didn't want it to be awkward. I told her it always would be."

"Well, it doesn't have to be," Elliot said thoughtfully.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "No more of the hopeless romantic stuff, El."

Elliot shrugged. "Call me a sap if you want, but I still think you two crazy kids will find your way back to each other—for good."

Olivia grabbed the other half of Elliot's sub and bit into it. "Don't count on it. Alex made her bed."

"Yeah, but you both have to lie in it."

Olivia turned back to stare at him for a few seconds in silence as she pondered what he'd said, despite not wanting to do so. Then looking down, she bit into her sandwich again and slowly chewed it.

* * *

Jim walked into the conference room late the next evening. "Homicide numbers," he said, dropping the file on the table.

"Charges or defendants?" Alex asked, turning toward him.

"Defendants. That's how I play it, Al. I'm sorry," he said in a strained voice.

He started to walk back out but Alex turned around more and asked, "Where are we on the shaken baby case?"

"Two days away from indicting the father," Jim said, propping his arm on the door.

"What about the mother?"

"Looks like she's gonna cooperate," Jim replied.

"She watched her boyfriend shake the life out of her baby. She has to answer for that," Alex protested.

Jim narrowed his eyes. "We need her as a witness. She's the only one who saw what really happened."

"Indict her. Keep the pressure on," Alex insisted.

"I disagree," Jim stated firmly.

"With all due respect, I don't really care," Alex replied nastily.

Jim walked up to her. "'With all due respect?'" he repeated incredulously.

Alex cocked her head to the side. "Yeah. Is there a problem here?" she challenged, daring him to object.

"I don't appreciate being told how to run a case!"

Alex crossed her arms and with a cocky smile retorted, "It's _my_ bureau, Jim."

Jim furiously spouted, "You know what? I know that you and Robert are having problems right now—"

Alex was livid that he would even dare bring that up. It was a definite low blow to use that as ammunition in an argument, especially since he had acted as if he was concerned when he'd asked the previous day. Her beautiful features contorted into a scowl. Shaking her finger at him, she interrupted, "This has nothing to do with that, do you understand?"

Jim threw up a hand and turned around to walk away. But Alex grabbed his arm and shouted, "Don't you walk away from me!" She was not going to let him achieve control of the situation or dictate when the conversation was over. After all, _she_ was the boss.

Jim looked down at his arm in her hand as if she'd lost her mind. He yanked his arm out of her grasp and the force of it caused Alex to fall back a step. There was a split second where she looked at him in fear, wondering what he was going to do next. He charged her and pushed his mouth against hers in a bruising kiss as he held her head in a rigid, iron grip.

Immediately feeling herself dissociating, Alex moaned into the kiss and started to undo his tie. Despite the fact that she knew she shouldn't be doing this, she needed the release. So in a moment of reckless abandon, all rationale flew out the window, overridden by her desperate desire to escape everything that plagued her and to keep her world from crashing down on her. In that short span of time, it was as if everything had culminated at once—the aftermath of her shooting and time in Witness Protection, the situation with Olivia, the feelings she'd tried suppressing about Mike's murder, the high stress of the bureau, and the problems with Robert.

She broke the kiss and Jim ripped open her suit jacket to reveal her bra underneath. With one arm, he lifted her and dropped her down on the table with a quick kiss while Alex put her hands on the back of his head to steady herself. With his other hand, he impatiently pushed off as many materials on the table as he could and Alex's back hit the wood with a hard _thud_. Jim pulled his tie over his head as Alex reached up to frantically try to rip his shirt open. Knowing that he was stronger, he helped her out by ripping his own shirt and undershirt. He quickly pulled off what was left of his shirt while she removed her jacket completely. He struggled to unbuckle his pants on top of Alex as their mouths joined in a series of fleeting, passive kisses once more. With her eyes closed, Alex ran her hand through his hair and then with a flick of her fingers against his head, she pulled away from the kiss. She threw her head back in pleasure and moaned as he kissed her neck. The stiffness with which the table edge pushed into her neck was uncomfortable, but it was something she was willing to bear.

The act was animalistic and emotionless save for anger that needed to be purged. She didn't care that there was no chemistry or romance as she was never concerned with that anyway when she slept with Jim. Just for a little while, she needed something to replace the emptiness. If that meant going through the motions of sex while being otherwise disinterested, then sobeit. She sought some flicker of light, no matter how illusive, to cut into the dark, cold forest. Each thrust of him inside her thrust down the ache and loneliness she felt so deeply.

When it was all over, Jim rolled off her onto his back. "Wow, that was intense."

Her chest still heaving, Alex agreed, "Yeah." As the realization of what she'd done started to set in, she thought, _Shit_. After another moment of resting, she slowly pushed herself up and pulled her bra strap back on her shoulder. She looked at everything scattered everywhere and said, "Boy, is this place a complete mess."

"I'll help," Jim said, trying to catch his breath. "Just give me a minute."

As she finished getting dressed, she tried to think of what she would do. She then began cleaning up and reorganizing files. Jim got up and helped her. Suddenly, the air became different, awkward. The heat of their tryst had faded. He tried to read Alex's face, but it was emotionless. "You ok, Al?"

Alex forced a smile. "Yeah. I'm fine."

"You…want me to walk you out?" Jim offered.

Alex shook her head. "No. But thank you," she said, heading for her office.

"See you tomorrow," Jim said.

"Night," Alex told him. She grabbed her coat and bag and then turned out the lights to her office.

Alex was actually glad that she had driven to work that day. She had told Robert in the morning that she'd probably be working late and didn't know when she'd be home, but she'd had no clue how handy that would come in until now. She hoped that the drive home alone would allow her to clear her head.

Even though everyone had cleared out for the night, she shuddered to think what would've happened if someone had come back and caught them in the act. They were in a public area, not her office. Then again, she also knew how much clout her family had and that she'd committed much greater offenses with only a suspension or being found in contempt as her punishment. At least with a late night conference room tryst, she wasn't violating anyone's civil liberties by an illegal search or threatening a judge with a grievance in open court. She also knew that it wouldn't cause nearly as much scandal as a same-sex relationship.

Regardless, had she really sunk so low that she was having sex at work? Just how far off the path had she fallen? The shame hit her like a ton of bricks. In her desperate attempt to control her sexual orientation, she was losing control in other ways. But ultimately, she had chosen the lesser of two evils. Although she lost control of her impulses, the irony was that the impersonal nature of the sex with Jim had stopped the personal issues she faced from overtaking her and thus, she could re-establish control of them.

_But for how long?_ she wondered. The blaring of a horn behind her jarred her out of her thoughts.

After she showered and got into bed, she lay awake for the next hour and a half. The relief from the sex had once again proven ephemeral and the cerebral fog she'd tried to escape was closing in on her. She felt incredibly guilty and selfish. She knew she had cheated on Robert before with Olivia, but she hadn't felt as guilty because she was in love with Olivia. However, Jim was another man and even worse, someone she harbored no romantic feelings for whatsoever. Thus, it somehow cheapened her relationship with Robert even more. Despite Robert's faults, she felt that he didn't deserve it. As far as she could tell, he did love her and was trying to make things better between them.

She sighed deeply. She just wanted to be stable again. She decided that perhaps it would be best to marry Robert to avoid losing further control. Furthermore, if she accepted his proposal, it would give them a clean slate to start fresh and put their problems behind them. New meaning could be injected into a relationship that was devoid of it.

The next morning at breakfast, she surprised Robert when she said, "Yes. I'll marry you."


	47. Limbo

**Chapter 47: Limbo**

Alex felt a mounting sense of dread as she walked into work that same morning. For someone who had just gotten engaged, she surely didn't feel ecstatic. Even worse, she was not looking forward to seeing Jim and telling him the news. After the night before, she knew he'd only gotten more attached and wasn't going to take things well. _Maybe I can just avoid him most of the day_, she hoped.

She also knew that it wouldn't be long before word started to spread. Obviously Victor and Katherine would be over the moon, but she hoped that Robert would give her a chance to tell them before he did. She couldn't believe that just a few weeks ago, she was planning to dump him for Olivia. Now she was planning to marry him. As crazy as that sounded, she didn't think it was any crazier than the events that had just transpired in the past 24 hours.

* * *

After Jim and Christina met with their defendant and his lawyer, Jim went to Alex's office to discuss things just before 2 o'clock that afternoon. "It was a shake, not a slam. That's manslaughter," he stated.

"He killed a helpless infant," Alex insisted.

"He's remorseful."

"Murder two," Alex replied.

"Look at your file, Al. Last quarter we had two identical cases, both manslaughter," Jim maintained, playing with the stress ball from her desk.

"Call me crazy. I like to go for murder when somebody kills a five-month-old infant."

"Me, too. But it's my case and I prefer to win."

But Alex was sticking to her guns. Shaking her head and smiling, she advised, "You can always reduce the charge."

Leaning forward, Jim suggested, "Hey, let's uh, talk about this over dinner. My place?" He smiled hopefully.

Alex looked down and played with her pencil. "I can't tonight. I'm sorry. I have plans." She looked back up.

"Plans?" Jim asked.

Alex decided to cut right to the chase. Looking him squarely in the eye, she firmly but gently said, "Last night was a mistake." The hurt and disappointment immediately clouded his face while a cool, unyielding smile had formed on hers. She wanted to soften the blow but simultaneously let him know that she meant what she said. "Robert and I got engaged this morning," she added, the inflection in her voice changing.

Jim rolled his eyes and looked at her in shock. _Seriously?_ he thought. Alex looked down, her smile dissolved when she thought of her bigger plight with Robert. She didn't even try to hide her unhappiness about the path she was taking at the cost of Olivia and her freedom. Although she felt guilty for toying with Jim's emotions, she still was not concerned with trying to offer him words of comfort. After a few seconds, she looked back up at him to gauge his reaction.

Jim stared at her for a bit and then closed his eyes and shook his head. Without another word, he got up and left her office. He felt like he had been punched in the stomach. All he could think about was that Alex had used him and then cast him aside like yesterday's garbage once again, and she didn't even _apologize_ for hurting him. Of course, he knew that he was the one who initiated the sex in the first place by grabbing Alex and kissing her when she was in a vulnerable state with Robert. However, it didn't hurt any less, especially with her rigid smile and condescending tone as if she thought she was explaining something to a child. He had thought that maybe if they slept together again, Alex would change her mind about them. Deep down, he'd known she wouldn't but it stung to hear her keep dashing his hopes. The last thing he ever wanted to be thought of was just a mistake.

Alex looked off into space and pondered everything that had happened. Olivia's words echoed in her head: _"How many hearts do you plan on breaking? Are we all just casualties of the war you have with yourself?"_

* * *

As if Jim wasn't already in a bad enough mood, it wasn't long after his talk with Alex that he found out that Christina had set up an abortion appointment for their defendant's girlfriend. He was not about to stand for her blowing their case with stupid decisions and was going to let her know it. _When will this chick ever fucking get it?_ he thought.

"You wanted to see me?" Christina asked, standing in his doorway.

Jim dropped a file on the table and said, "Yeah." He shut the door and Christina nervously sat down on his couch. "Vida stopped by this morning to thank you for making an appointment for her at the East Side Women's Clinic."

"She asked. I just—"

Jim abruptly demanded, "Did you call on her behalf to make an appointment for an abortion?"

"Yes. She needed help, so I—"

Interrupting again, he accused, "You thought that they'd fit her in if a Manhattan D.A. made the request."

"She asked me to make a call and I did. That's it," Christina replied, terrified of a possible disciplinary action.

"Do you have any idea how politically sensitive this is?" Jim asked. "Now we're gonna have to voir dire jurors as to whether or not they're pro-choice, because defense is gonna claim we pushed a confused 16-year-old into terminating her pregnancy."

"I didn't push her to do anything. I got her an appointment. That's it. I'm sorry. I didn't think—"

"That's right. You didn't think," Jim insulted. He opened the door and warned, "You ever play social worker with a material witness again, I'll fire you." He walked back to his desk and sat down, fixing her with a glare.

Christina swallowed hard and held back tears. She then got up and exited his office. She couldn't remember a time that she'd felt so low at work and wondered if there would ever be a time when Jim Steele didn't seem to think her every move was wrong.

* * *

Although Alex had dreaded telling Jim about her engagement, she knew there was another whom she dreaded telling even more—her best friend. But she knew that if she didn't tell her, it would be even more awkward if she found out some other way and then confronted her about it. So the next evening, she decided to go to her apartment to inform her in person. She wasn't going to tell her not to tell Olivia; she just hoped that when Olivia did find out that she would have someone to comfort her. She couldn't stomach breaking the news to her on her own and seeing Olivia's heart shatter in front of her yet another time. Besides, Olivia was her greatest weakness but also her greatest strength, and she was afraid that both those attributes could cause her to renege on her new commitment with Robert.

"Serena, I've got to tell you something," Alex began nervously as she took a seat beside her on the sofa.

"What's up?" Serena asked, crossing her legs.

Alex took a deep breath. Exhaling, she informed her, "Robert and I are getting married."

Serena's mouth dropped open. "You're joking, right?"

Alex shook her head. "I wish I was."

Serena leaned back and folded her hands on her knee. "You couldn't sound more thrilled," she remarked wryly.

"Sometimes the best decision is not the one that makes you happiest."

Serena shook her head. "This is going to require alcohol." She got up and poured two glasses of Riesling. Returning and handing one to Alex, she asked, "What do you think Liv will say?"

Alex nodded her thanks and replied, "Olivia is seeing Zoe. She already made it clear to me that she has no intention of getting back with me, so I really cannot be concerned with what she will think. And even if she changed her mind, I can't take going back and forth like this anymore than she can. When I was in the program, I spent a year and seven months with my life essentially in limbo. I don't want to spend the rest of it that way. I need stability. Robert isn't going anywhere."

"And you know this how?" Serena pressed.

"He told me that he knew I was the one for him the moment he saw me."

"But he's not the one for you and in the end, that's all that matters. You two will never be on the same page. A marriage should first and foremost be about _love_, not a business or social arrangement. You both want each other as trophies." She paused for a moment before continuing, "Besides, you've told me that you and Robert were having problems. Do you expect those to just magically disappear now that you're engaged?"

Alex looked into her glass and responded, "This marriage is not about our past; it's about our future. If we have something happy to look forward to, then maybe we won't have time to be at each other's throats. We can focus on something larger and more important than trivial fights."

Serena thought her remarks sounded rehearsed. "But Alex…these fights are not trivial. They are indicative of problems that are much deeper and that aren't going away anytime soon. You can't keep running in life, Alex, when the going gets tough. Instead of facing the problems head-on, you run to what you think is the next best solution. Rushing into marriage is not going to leave your present problems behind."

"In order to protect myself in the past, I've had to run. I faced Zapata and by extension, Velez, head-on and it almost cost me my life and spirit. In order to survive, I had to go into Witness Protection. Even when I came back to testify against Connors, I had to be relocated in the program for my safety."

Serena touched her shoulder comfortingly. "But sweetie, you don't have to run anymore."

"I think that with certain situations, it's more important to run than to let them overtake you. It's the fight or flight syndrome," Alex argued. She took a long drink of wine. "Jim was not too happy when I told him we were engaged."

"Well, you said awhile ago that he'd started to have feelings for you, so I'm not surprised."

"Yeah…but that's not the only reason…" Alex started cautiously.

Serena's eyes grew wide. "Did something happen between you two?"

Alex took another deep breath before explaining, "Well, a couple nights ago, we got into this huge argument in the conference room over a case. I'd told him to indict someone; he didn't want to do it. I informed him that it was my bureau and that he basically had to do what I said. He made a snide remark about the problems Robert and I were having as he turned to leave."

"Wait…how did he know that the two of you were having problems?"

"A few days ago, he asked why I'd kicked him to the curb. I told him it was because I met Robert and he seemed like the perfect guy. He got caught up on the words 'seemed like' and asked if I was in love with him. I just kinda avoided the question and said he was a wonderful man. But he wouldn't let it go and so I finally told him that I did love Robert. That's when he asked if we were having problems. I deflected the answer again but he put two and two together. I didn't go into details."

"But Alex, if Jim was questioning whether you were in love with Robert, don't you think others will, too?"

"Jim happened to catch me at a vulnerable moment and he's the one who brought everything up. It's frustrating having to hold it all in. I obviously couldn't talk to Olivia and I thought you'd just say 'I told you so.' Everyone else is out of the picture because they think of us as the perfect couple."

Serena smirked and took a sip from her own glass. "So when do we get to the part where Jim was the perfect outlet for all your pent-up frustrations?"

Alex rolled her eyes. "Anyway, as he was leaving, I grabbed him and demanded that he not walk away. I wasn't going to let him get away with claiming that my judgment was skewed and I was using him as a punching bag because of the problems with Robert. He snatched his arm back and before I knew it, he'd grabbed and kissed me."

"And you didn't pull back?" Serena asked in amazement. "It didn't occur to you that you were still at _work_?"

"Serena, you don't understand," Alex explained, looking at her with a sense of desperation. "It was like everything was threatening to consume me and something just _snapped_ inside me. I had to get away from it all. When he kissed me, one thing led to another and it was kind of like I wasn't even myself anymore."

"Sounds to me like Mike's death was the trigger and your problems with Robert finally pulled it," Serena analyzed. "But you can't use a Band-Aid when you need stitches."

Alex looked down and contemplated what Serena had said. "After Mike's shooting, I started throwing myself into my work even more. I was just on autopilot. I talked to Olivia about it the night after it happened when she came over, but I tried to suppress it as much as I could after that. Robert kept trying to get me to express my feelings and it just pissed me off. He accused me of being distant and it just led to fights. Then he complained that we don't get to spend enough time together because I'm such a workaholic. He said I was avoiding him on purpose. He acts as if he doesn't work a lot, too. He and his Blackberry could be lovers."

Serena rubbed her knee gently. "You can't just shut off your feelings, Alex."

"But Robert was supposed to be part of my new life. I didn't want to drag painful elements of my old one into it."

Leaning closer to her, Serena replied, "Sweetie, you're human, not a robot. You can't just reprogram yourself and expect things not to go haywire at some point." She sighed. "You've only known him a few months. Are you even sure he really loves you? How do you know this isn't some power play on his part?"

"Geez, Serena, you sound like Liv. Not everything has to be calculated."

This time it was Serena's turn to roll her eyes. "Why are you marrying him? Guilt?"

"Because I lost almost two years of my life already. I don't want to feel like I'm still trapped in the past somewhere while everyone else is steadily moving forward. I need to make up for that lost time."

"But if you had stayed, you probably would've still been with Liv—not a guy."

"Doubtful. I still probably would've been too afraid of being outed and Liv would've just gotten tired of it sooner. So I might've already been married to a guy even if I'd never been shot. After all, it's what most people expect."

"Most people don't have to live with _your_ conscience at the end of the day. You can't bounce between Robert and Jim like some ping-pong ball, exchanging one bad choice for another. You shouldn't sacrifice their feelings for your own."

Alex groaned and set her glass down on the coffee table. She stood up and stated, "Serena, I didn't come here for your approval. I just wanted to let you know before you heard it from someone else or saw the announcement in the papers."

Serena put her hands up in surrender and stood up, too. "Whatever, Alex. It's your life."

Alex put on her coat and scarf and picked up her purse. "I need to go. I don't want Robert to worry."

Serena was disappointed that Alex had walled herself off just as quickly as she'd opened up. However, she was not surprised. Nodding, she said, "All right. Have a good night."

"You, too, Serena," Alex said, giving her a quick smile and leaving.

* * *

Alex woke up the next morning to Robert bringing her breakfast in bed. "Guess what day it is, pumpkin?"

Propping herself against the headboard, Alex smirked and replied, "Um, Saturday?"

"Not just any Saturday. This is the day you get your ring," he said, smiling widely. He held a forkful of scrambled eggs out for her to accept. "You ready to be wowed, sweetie?"

Alex forced a smile. "I'm sure whatever you picked out will be lovely, but you really didn't have to go to any trouble."

"Trouble, my dear? Hardly. Besides, you know I'm not going to show up to Victor's tonight without a ring on his sister's finger. What type of cheapskate would that make me?"

Fighting the urge to roll her eyes, Alex bit into a slice of bacon. "Thanks for breakfast, honey."

Robert brushed his thumb across her cheek. "Anytime."

A few hours later, Alex and Robert walked out of Harry Winston with her new engagement ring on her finger, and even Alex had to admit it was quite impressive. The 4.5-carat princess-cut solitaire diamond with two baguettes sat atop a platinum band and caught the sunlight at every angle. Yet buried deep inside her, the darkness and shadows surrounded, their tendrils ever ready to inch forward and pull her down into the abyss.


End file.
